FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 16

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 16 April 17, 2006

Try this great quiz from Erin
http://www.fekids.com/img/kln/flash/DontGrossOutTheWorld.swf

Its the latest Google product Calendar and promises to be
a great addition to the Google suite of products. As always
its free, user intuitive, works well in Firefox 1.5 and
Internet Explorer 6. Its interface operates quickly to
create events, invite guests, and allow others access. http://www.google.com/googlecalendar/overview.html

The Da Vinci Code Quest, a contest with 24 daily puzzles
will give the first 10,000 people who solve all of them
and enter the chance to continue to the final challenge.
That will be a Cryptex with four codes. One will open
the Cryptex and reveal a scroll on how to access the
final challenge,a series of 5 puzzles. Winners receive
trips to New York, London, Paris, and Rome, and Sony
gadgets like HDTVs and VAIO laptops. All to promote
the new movie but pretty cool fun anyway. http://flash.sonypictures.com/movies/davincicodequest/

The Big One in SF was April 18 1906 but the
memories linger and this month there is quite a
series of fascinating articles on that earthquake
along with photos and pioneer newsreels.
http://sfgate.com/greatquake/

The Skeptics View on Remote Viewing
http://www.skepdic.com/remotevw.html

The Best of Everything A Joan Crawford Encyclopedia
http://www.joancrawfordbest.com/

This went right into my reference bookmarks
http://www.usabilityviews.com/simply_google.htm

Geek to live
Don't live to Geek
http://www.lifehacker.com/

Vote for your favorite websites Peoples Choice Webby Awards
http://peoplesvoice.webbyawards.com/login.mhtml

Online gamers unmasked
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/hi/picture_gallery/05/technology_online_gamers_unmasked/html/1.stm

Excellent site on Smithsonian Art Museum
http://americanart.si.edu/index3.cfm

Fictional 15 richest character
http://www.forbes.com/home/lists/2005/11/29/forbes-fictional-rich_cx_mn_de_05fict15land.html

Find out what Congress has REALLY been doing at this
site that chronicles their votes since 1991
http://projects.washingtonpost.com/congress/

Republican truthfullness:
http://www.bradblog.com/archives/00002682.htm

Do you want to swap your paperbacks? These folks
are doing it for only the cost of postage:
http://www.paperbackswap.com/

On to the chuckles:

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"Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are
entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the
new rules, you're allowed to claim up two or more chins
as dependents." ~~ Conan O'Brien

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Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

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"I saw something kind of odd yesterday I saw Jessica
Simpson decorating eggs and hiding them around her house.
Or as she called it Father's Day!" ~~ Jay Leno

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"Government officials in California now have to pay a one
dollar fine when they use a word that's hard for taxpayers
to understand. In a related story Arnold now owes $50,000."
~~ Conan O'Brien

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"Well the big story, the Los Angeles Police Department
announced they will no longer arrest famous people who
break the law. What's the point?" ~~ Jay Leno

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Dentists have their own flossify on how to keep teeth
clean.

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Being defeated is often only a temporary condition.
Giving up is what makes it permanent.
~~ Marilyn vos Savant

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Best New Bumper Sticker from Mike

ANYONE LESS STUPID IN 2008

More from Mike

Blind faith in bad leadership is not patriotism

If you're not outraged you're not paying attention

If you supported Bush a yellow ribbon won't make up for it

Support our troops impeach bush

At least in Vietnam we had an exit strategy

Send the twins

Poverty, healthcare & homelessness are moral issues

Remove Bush's feeding tube

Support our troops bring them home now!

Bush lied and you know it

Religious fundamentalism - a threat abroad - a threat at home

God Bless everyone (no exceptions)

Bush spent your social security on his war

The duty of patriots: protect our country from its government
(Thomas Payne)

Election 2004
"The times plague when madmen lead the blind"
William Shakespeare (King Lear)

Pro America - anti Bush

Who would Jesus bomb?

If you support Bush's war why are you still here?

I'd rather have a president who screwed his intern than one
who screwed his country

Jesus was a social activist liberal

My values? Free speech. Equality. Liberty. Education. Tolerance

Is it 2008 yet?

Dissent is the highest form of patriotism
Thomas Jefferson

Don't blame me - I voted against bush twice!

Nobody died when Clinton lied

Of course it hurts. You're getting screwed by an elephant

Annoy a conservative; think for yourself-visualize impeachment

Stop mad cowboy disease

George W. Bush - making terrorists faster than he can kill them

Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?

Hate, greed, ignorance - weapons of mass destruction

Honor our troops - demand the truth

Rebuild Iraq? Why not spend 87 billion on America?

The last time religion controlled politics people got burned at the stake

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Easter jokes.

Why are people always tired in April?
They just finished a March lasting 31 days.

Why did the Easter egg hide?
He was a chicken.

What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
An egghead.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

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The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to
his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little
girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where
the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into
a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-
term capital gain?"

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Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball
landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water
hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted
and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in
the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball
onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It
headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a
nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.
From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by
and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned
pond.

On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced
out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and
snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped
down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed
over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped
the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

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Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog,
has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."

It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,"
says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands:
"Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns
around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that?
You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only
call me when you want something. And then you make me
sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fah-
kahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a
special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!
And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of
the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I
could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so
much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all
you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! What could be the
problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not
'Kvetch'".

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John went to the doctor because he had bulging eyes and a
persistent ringing in his ears.

The doctor looked him over and suggested removing his
tonsils.

The tonsillectomy resulted in no improvement, so John
consulted a dentist who suggested that removing his teeth
might eliminate the problem.

All of John's teeth were extracted but still his eyes bulged out
and the annoying ringing in his ears continued.

A third doctor told him bluntly, "You have six months to live."

Feeling doomed and gloomy, John decided to treat himself

right while he still had time, so he bought a flashy car, hired

a chauffeur and a gardener, and got himself measured by a

tailor for some new suits. To go along with the new suits, he

decided that even his shirts would be made to order.

"Okay," said the shirt maker, "let's get your measurements.

Hmm, thirty-four sleeve, sixteen collar --"

"No, I wear a fifteen collar" John told him.

"Sixteen collar," the shirt maker repeated, measuring again.

"But I've always worn a fifteen collar," said John.

"Listen," said the shirt maker, "I'm telling you right now—if
you keep on wearing a tight fifteen collar, your eyes will bulge
out and you'll have ringing in your ears."

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LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN

Top Ten Signs Your Pilot is Drunk.

1. Midflight asks, "Which one of you losers is the designated
driver?"
2. Invites all passengers to a "layover" in his hotel room.
3. You experience heavy turbulence and you're only taxiing to
the runway.
4. Delays takeoff to de-ice his mojito.
5. Giggling fit every time he says the word "cockpit".
6. At security, passengers remove shoes - he removes pants.
7. Long rambling announcements about what animal shapes
he's seeing in the clouds.
8. In lieu of P.A. safety instructions, he sings "Kung Fu
Fighting".
9. Wings on his hat made of folded cocktail straws.
10. Introduces his co-pilots Johnnie Walker and Jack Daniels.

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On a bus one day were two boys and a middle aged woman
reading her book.

The two small boys were having a deep heated discussion on
the subject of spelling.

"It would be spelt W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B"

"No its not. It's spelt W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-
M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B"

The lady leaned over and said, "Excuse me boys, but I think
you'll find the word is spelled W-O-M-B".

The first boy looks at the other, and then back at the lady,
and replies, "Ya know lady, I bet you've never even seen a
hippopotamus, let alone ever heard one fart underwater before!"

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The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting
at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of
coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.

Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."

Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were
pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried young woman replied, "I'm just sick of
mornings."

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A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery
store was very surprised when a very attractive woman
behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember
ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she
figured she had made a mistake and apologized.

"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you,
I thought you were the father of one of my children," and
walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What
the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman
who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he
thought but, MAYBE..during one of the wild parties he had
been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her
child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking
lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college
and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the
pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your
son's Catechism teacher!"

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You Know You Attend A Redneck Church When...

* The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows
how to play one.

* People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait
was used to catch 'em.

* When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

* Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.

* A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-
wheel-drive Ford truck because "It ain't never been in a
hole it couldn't get out of."

* The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

* Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for
communion.

* In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

* There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic
tank.

* Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

* High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to
howling.

* People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.

* The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

* The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with
the logo) from Bill Miller's Barbecue.

* The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

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Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor is Batman

1. He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick
(Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson)

2. When he goes on vacation, asks if you'll water his
plants and grease his bat pole.

3. On Thanksgiving, you see green lantern holding a JELL-O
mold

4. You hear him on the phone asking J. Crew if they carry
seersucker cowls.

5. Introduces his parents - Carl and Linda Batman.

6. Who's banging on his door at 4 AM but an angry,
knocked-up Catwoman.

7. Is re-roofing his house to fix loose shingles and
grappling hook damage.

8. His teen son drove to the prom in the Batmobile.

9. When you mention Superman, he rolls his eyes and
mutters, "pantywaist".

10. Always complaining about his "rubber suit rash".

[Courtesy of the Late Show with David Letterman]

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Thanks to Davi for these

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS

Understanding Engineers- Take One

Two engineering students were biking across a university
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike,threw it on the ground, took off her
clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."

Understanding Engineers-Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.

Understanding Engineers- Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've
been waiting 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
seen such inept golfers!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's
ask him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group
ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of
blind fire fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything
he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and
civil engineers?

Mechs build weapons and civs build targets.

Understanding Engineers- Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it
work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does
it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much
will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want
fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Six

Four engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look
at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The
nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections."

The third said, "It was obviously a chemical engineer,
just think about all the reactions taking place each
second in the body."

The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been
a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline
through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers- Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for
one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do
ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put
it back into his pocket.

Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter
with you?

I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll
stay with you for one week and do anything you want.

Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
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http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates