FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 10

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 10 March 6, 2006

Brown is not the dummy the administration painted. (Oh
yeah except he trusted them to do their jobs.) Who is
really responsible? Will they be held accountable?
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/03/02/katrina/main1362777.shtml


Bush seeks line item veto already declared unconstitutional
by the Supreme Court.
http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=topNews&storyid=2006-03-06T165001Z_01_WBT004898_RTRUKOC_0_US-BUSH-VETO.xml


The Iditarod started Saturday and will end probably 10
days for some and in 17 days for others. For videos and
pictures of some of the most remote areas in Alaska see:
http://www.iditarod.com/



Cruise who starred in last year's blockbuster hit "War of
the Worlds" and his pregnant partner Holmes won the
Razzie award on Saturday for "most tiresome tabloid
targets."
http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2006-03-05T185129Z_01_N03258174_RTRUKOC_0_US-OSCARS-RAZZIES.xml&rpc=22




Here's a site with Dumb laws posted state by state.
http://www.crazylaws.com/


Thanks to my sister for this site that offers Tips, Boredom
Busters, projects online, and short, informative, practical
articles all delivered to your email box Monday-Friday.
For FREE.
http://www.momready.com/index.asp



Did you know there is such a thing as barcode art???
http://www.jetcityorange.com/barcodes/



Fun and games from Netscape
http://channels.netscape.com/atplay/default.jsp

More games from Charter
http://www.charter.net/games/

A site for those who are fans of word games.
http://fun2play.com/


Do you all run Disk Clean Up and Defrag regularly?
These are available by clicking Start, Programs,
Accessories, System Tools and then Disk Clean Up
which will empty out your temporary internet files,
trash bin, and compress old files. When that is done
repeat clicking Start, Programs, Accessories, System
Tools and then Defrag. This will make your system run
faster but if you are running XP there is one more step.

To clean out the Prefetch Directory:
1) Click Start/Run
2) Type "Prefetch" (without the quotes) in the Run
dialog box and click OK.
3) This opens the Prefetch Directory.
Click Edit/Select All from the menu to highlight all the files.
4) Click the Delete button.
5) Go have a Coke knowing you've just played Computer Geek.


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Bush is in command. When he heard that sectarian militias
had killed Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of
Sectaria." ~~Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Actually, they're going to hold off on that Dubai ports
deal for 45 days while Congress debates it. 45 days, well
that's good. Those problems in the Middle East tend to
clear up pretty quickly" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met
with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. There was
an awkward moment when Bush asked 'How long until
the new season of The Sopranos?'" ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well,
who could have seen that coming? That came out of left
field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People
are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is
Dick Cheney now." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"An Arab company might take over six American ports.
President Bush says that he did not know of the plan.
That is just so out of character." ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Apparently President Charles In Charge did not know
about this whole thing until the story broke in the news-
papers. You know, you could say Ronald Reagan was
asleep at the switch. At least he knew there was a switch."
~~ Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush is letting an Arab company run ports.
That's like letting Robert Blake take your wife to dinner.
President Bush said that the port deal is not a security
threat. That's what he said, this is not a security threat.
Remember, this is the same guy who said 'Mission
Accomplished.'" ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elevator Gags
-Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
-Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your
kleenex to other passengers.
-Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
-Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
incessantly.
-Sell Girl Scout cookies.
-On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency
of the elevator.
-Shave.
-Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering
inside ask, "Got enough air in there"?
-Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Wear yours upside-down.
-Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
-When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank
the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open
by themselves.
-Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Noogie
patrol coming!"
-Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
-On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that
it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down
the shaft go plink at the bottom.
-Bring your golf clubs and start practicing. Don't forget to
shout, "Fore!"
-Do Tai Chi exercises.
-Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, "I've got new socks on!"
-When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the
back, "Oh, not now, dang motion sickness!"
-Give religious tracts to each passenger.
-Meow occasionally.
-Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
-Frown and mutter, "gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say,
"oops!"
-Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
-Sing "Mary Had A Little Lamb" while continually pushing
buttons.
-Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
-Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
-Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
"You're one of them!" and move to the far corner of the
elevator.
-Burp and then say "mmmm, tasty!"
-Leave a box between the doors.
-Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button
for them.
-Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
"through" it.
-Start a sing along.
-When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "is that
your beeper"?
-Play the harmonica.
-Shadow box.
-Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
-Lean against the button panel.
-Say, "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
-Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
-Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
-Bring a chair along.
-Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger,
"Wanna see wha in muh mouf"?
-Blow spit bubbles.
-Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
-Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable
host body."
-Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
-Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
-Wear "x-ray specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
-Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
-If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computer Tech Support
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your
CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....Tech support: And what sort of computer
are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer.
It's in the CDplayer and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
---
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one.
---
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry.
---
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left
of thescreen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
---
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates, darn it!
---
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted
the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can't find it...
---
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
---
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in
the supermarket.
---
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one
does work.
---
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in
apple, acapital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
---
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
---
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
---
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
---
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but
how do I get the circle around it?
---
A female customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his printer is working fine."
---
And last, but not least....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in
the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring
up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school
nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance,
I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.

"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did any-
thing to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He
was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the
day with him!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How To Install a Poor-man's Security System:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work
boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door
on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note
on your front door that says something like: "Bubba, big
Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in a
½ hr.
P.S. Don't disturb the pitbulls; they've just been de-wormed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I'm an Old Woman
I will live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I've had from each girl and boy.

I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor;
Run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed.
Whenever they scold me, I'll just hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, and always fritter away
The time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone.
As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

I'll hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer,
And never pick up my clothes from the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish.
I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor.
As soon as they've mopped it I'll flood it some more.

And when they correct me, I'll lie down and cry,
Kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then
When they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal,
Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor,
I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What Fun I shall have, what Joy it will be
to live with my children....- the way they lived with me!

author unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on
the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your
load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches
up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on
the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've
never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking
his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down
the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out
of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again
she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some
of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races
to the next light.When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
her window, and after she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name
is Kevin, it's winter in Wisconsin and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of
kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his
mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he
replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His
mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She
said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid
me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kinder-
garten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom,
hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will
that help?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery
store and began putting away the groceries. The boy
opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all
over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken", the
boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who
would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my
brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan,
you be Jesus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-
year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him
to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy,
what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw
him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When
I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher
we've ever had."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read,
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Liner Fun

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive
new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is that
the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it is
gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if
you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded
up, the drink spilled, and that ice -- well, it really chilled
the mood.

7. It used to be that only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out,
gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending
machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might
try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I
needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a
prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting
a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to
see how he was and found him writing frantically on a
piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he
didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What
will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for
enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters
never point the wrong way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a
man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his
interview when the man disappears.

A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets
the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and
the man disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me"? St. Peter calls
after him.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously, "They're
trying to resuscitate me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice
young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to
the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite! ! ! What about you
Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll
be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence
for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend
of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina
mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first
day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On
his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his
teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock
strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful,"
he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my
GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with
you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what
it feels like when I'm driving."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the
optician asked.


"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the other is a husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway,
and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted
at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the
lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach
stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred,
"and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this women's poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
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http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates