Fun on the Web vol 5 Issue 1

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 1 January 2, 2006


Happy New Year to you all! Hope you are staying dry
and warm. Lots of good stuff today so lets get to it.

Predictions for 2006
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20051231/ts_afp/afplifestylefuture2006trendsoffbeat



If your New Years Resolution included more exercise,
you may want to check out this group that sponsors
events you can participate in free or for "credit".
http://www.ava.org/


Or check out the exercise videos in my new store
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz


If you just reduce the carb intake it will help some so
check out these recipes during January:
http://www.elise.com/recipes/archives/001661january_2006_lower_carb_month.php


On another health related topic, just when smoking is
being eliminated in public more and more each day,
along comes a Hookah Bar????
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051231/ap_on_re_us/hooked_on_hookah

To find them
http://www.hookahhookah.com/Bar-Directory.htm


Biggest Discoveries of 2005
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,69909-0.html?tw=rss.index

Best (and Worst) Gadgets of 2005
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,69912-0.html


Did you spend all your bucks over the holidays or do
you still want to find a deal?
http://forums.slickdeals.net/index.php



Some new search engines to try or at least bookmark
since not all search engines return the same results
a natural language search
http://www.lexxe.com/
the results of yahoo and google together split screen
http://www.gahooyoogle.com/
a new meta search
http://www.jux2.com/



Free remote backup
https://mozy.com/



30 Things You Didn't Know You Could Do on the Internet
http://www.pcworld.com/howto/article/0,aid,120784,tk,sbx,00.asp



The first step in trying out podcasting is finding the right
podcast to subscribe to. Hailed as one of the most exciting
search technologies since Google you can search over
1,000,000 hours of TV and Video here:
http://www.blinkx.tv/


The Joan Crawford Encyclopedia - the best of everything
http://www.joancrawfordbest.com/

More picks from Yahoo - Picks of the Year
http://picks.yahoo.com/picks/most/2005/


A blog that reviews blogs
http://www.truthlaidbear.com/


Notes from the Road looks at a handful of connected
regions from the perspective of the outsider looking in.
http://www.notesfromtheroad.com/


Full length music and videos free
http://www.rhapsody.com/


Some fun free online entertainment
http://www.bassfiles.net/cleanscreen.swf very cute
http://www.bestadsontv.com/info.php
http://www.bassfiles.net/PatchestheHorse.wmv
http://www.bassfiles.net/iFlea.wmv



Free Online Games
http://www.widro.com/throwpaper.html
http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

Games and more
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/
http://www.addictinggames.com/
http://www.miniclip.com/


"Jerry, Jerry quite contrary Jerry… posts oddly serene
videos about his mundane life. The twist is that the
videos are actually animations that use weirdly cut-up
photos. They are strangely compelling. "
http://www.itsjerrytime.com/


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language
are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"
~~ Ronald Reagan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Enjoyment is not a goal, it is a feeling that accompanies
important ongoing activity. ~~ Paul Goodman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If at first you don't succeed,
you're running about average." ~~ W.E. Hickson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody
trusts an unidentified source." ~~ Ron Nesen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
~~ Victor Borge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You live and learn. At any rate, you live."
~~ Douglas Adams

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

A Clear Conscience is a Sign of a Bad Memory

"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at
science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"

If madness takes its toll, do you need exact change?

According to My Calculations the Problem Doesn't Exist

Age is just an Attitude

Ahh I See the Screw Up Fairy Has Visited Again

All Stressed Out And No One To Choke

Always Yield to Temptation Because It May Not Pass
Your Way Again

Attitudes are the Real Disability

Control Your Destiny or Someone Else Will

Denial is Not Just a River in Egypt

Don't Steal the Government Hates Competition

Eve was framed

Good Girls Go to Heaven Bad Girls Go Everywhere

Hatred Is NOT a Family Value

Having Abandoned My Search For Truth I'm Now Looking
For A Good Fantasy

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

How do You Tell When You`re Out of Invisible Ink

I am Not A Bitch I am THE Bitch and Its Ms. Bitch to You!

I Haven't Lost My Mind It's Backed Up on the Disk
Somewhere

I Live In Another Dimension But I Have A Summer Home
in Reality

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

If at First You Don't Succeed Destroy All Evidence You Tried

If Its Not Fun Why Do It?

If You Must Choose Between Two Evils Pick the One You
Have Never Tried Before!

If You Want to Live in a Country Ruled by Religion Try Iran

Its Lonely at the Top But You Eat Better

Love Your Enemies It Gets Them Really Confused

Madness Takes Its Toll Please Have Exact Change

Minds Are Like Parachutes They Only Function When
They are Open

Obedient Women Are Never Remembered in History

Out Of My Mind! Back In 5 Minutes

Put More FUN in Dysfunctional

Reality is For People Who Lack Imagination

Religious Groups Should Stay Out of Politics . . . or Be Taxed!

Save the Whales Collect a Whole Set

Stop Repeat Offenders Don't Re-Elect Them

Sure You Can Trust the Government Just Ask an Indian

The Only Trouble with Baptists Is They Don't Hold
Them Under Long Enough

The More You Complain The Longer God Makes You Live

Therapy is Expensive Bubble Wrap is Cheap You Choose

This Would Be Really Funny If it Weren't Happening to Me

Vegetarian Primitive Word for Lousy Hunter

Warning I Have an Attitude and I Know How to Use it

Where There is a Will I Want to Be in It

Why Be Normal?

Why Take Life So Seriously? It Isn't Permanent

Your Village Called . . . the Idiot is Missing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of
Life really are....

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools, WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and
shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right. "

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
Crow is easier to eat while it's still warm.

6. The best advice that your mother ever gave you was,
"Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If someone says that you're too good for him or her,
believe it.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this
matter one year from now? How about one month?"

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have
another chance!

10. Be really nice to your friends and family. Some day,
you may need them to empty your bedpan.
- Author unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me
how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York
City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says and hangs up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what
separates us from the animals... except the weasel."
Homer Simpson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to
the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-
death experience. During that experience she sees God
and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she
has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital
and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and
a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change
her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30
or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is
killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you
said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid
little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart
into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing
down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at
EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to
get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near
the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move
away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out
of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your
entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a
pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact
with your filling (or braces).

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead
of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom
doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of
you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the
dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the
same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and
now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the
floor and smash your head on the way up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A first grade teacher presented each child in her class
the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up
with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may
surprise you.
1. Better to be safe than ....................punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the .............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ...............Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .....how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ......................looks dirty.
7. No news is .........................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .........................Mister
9. You can't teach an old dog new ........math.
10. If you lie down with the dogs, you'll .....stink in the
morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rools for Righters (Rules for Writers)

Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Be more or less specific.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

No sentence fragments.

Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than
necessary; it's highly superfluous.

One should NEVER generalize.

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don't use no double negatives.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Kill all exclamation points!!!

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put
forth earth-shaking ideas.

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when
its not needed.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I
hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:

Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it
correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean
back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch
yourself? I feel like that all the time." ~~ Steven Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"White House officials tried to talk to Dick Cheney about
softening his image, but have been told never to interrupt
him when he's yelling at puppies." ~~ Craig Kilborn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said,
"Please insult my wife. She loves your work. It would
really give her a thrill if you insulted her."

Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself...To be married to a woman like that
and not be able to think up your own insults!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If you really want something in this life, you have to
work for it. Now quiet, they are about to announce the
lottery numbers!" ~~ Homer Simpson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed
his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to
on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry and gift items on eBay!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates