Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 50

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 50 December 19, 2005


Well it's still below zero here and I refuse to move away
from my chair and blanket except to get another cup of
tea. But later in the day when we closer to our high of
18F I have to get to the post office but first I need eBay
up and running so I can deal with the online auctions.
The site is down right now and making me crazy.

Any last minute shopping can be done online if you use
expedited shipping or just stop at a favorite restaurant
and get some gift certificates. (or call ahead and maybe
they can have them ready when you get there.) DO
NOT try to do this on your lunch hour!!! It will only
make you nuts. Stay away from the one's in the mall.


Thanks to Andrea for this page on "Listening to Christmas"
http://www.alharris.com/holidays/listxmas.htm

And his special gift is a calendar to print for 2006
http://www.alharris.com/gallery/dv/pdf/2006-double-vision-calendar.pdf


Also thanks to Andrea for this pretty card to share
http://thundercloud.net/acpressions/christmas/christmas.htm


Thanks to Mike for the Wizard of Oil (pretty funny)
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2005/12/12/21431/622

Do you know your Christmas foods?
http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=10002&surveyID=119

What's your holiday stress level?
http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=200&surveyID=117

How to beat the Holiday Gift Buying Blues (check out the
sidebar stories too like "Dear Santa: I Want a Barbie Cell
Phone", and "Ties, Tools and Tunes: Gifts for Men")
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,178383,00.html



You may want to print out these tips for how to organize
the Christmas decorations
http://www.charlotte.com/mld/charlotte/living/home/13408450.htm?template=contentModules/printstory.jsp


For a limited time during the holidays, download a free
version of The Ultimate Guide to Holiday Cookies Cookbook
that includes everything needed to make and enjoy the
World's Top 10 Holiday Cookies based on the ratings and
reviews of over 15 million home cooks.
http://images.allrecipes.com/site/allrecipes/Cookie.pdf



"How many of the 20th century's greatest engineering
achievements will you use today? A car? Computer?
Telephone? Explore our list of the top 20 achievements
and learn how engineering shaped a century and changed
the world. "
http://www.greatachievements.org/


Chronology of the years events:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051214/ap_on_re_us/ye2005_chronology_ye7a_1


"Help Santa become a lean, mean, present-delivering
machine by putting him through his Winter Workout."
Race him and the clock through Christmas Sprints,
Roof Hurdles, Long Ice Jumps, and Candy Ski Jumps. http://www.miniclip.com/winterworkout/game/

Online Christmas Games for kids: Dress Up Elves,
Build a Snowman Game, Decorate a Christmas Tree,
Arrange a Nativity Scene, Break-Out Christmas
Greeting Game, Christmas Stocking Memory Match
Game, and Christmas Gift Hunt
http://akidsheart.com/holidays/christms/chgames.htm


More Kids Christmas Fun: Mazes, coloring pages, online
puzzles, word games and more
http://www.billybear4kids.com/holidays/christmas/games.htm
http://www.12days.com/
http://www.xmasfun.com/Games/Default.asp

Yahoo has more in a directory
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Holidays_and_Observances/Christmas/Online_Games/
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Religion_and_Spirituality/Faiths_and_Practices/Judaism/Holidays_and_Observances/Hanukkah/

More Kids Hanukkah Fun: Spin the dreidel, puzzles,
coloring pages, and things to make
http://www.billybear4kids.com/holidays/hanukkah/hanukkah.htm
http://www.kidsdomain.com/games/chan.html

And of course there is fun holiday stuff for Christmas AND
Hanukkah on my website here:
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Holidays.html


Free web word processor converts documents to PDF's
http://news.com.com/Web+word+processor+adds+PDF+conversion/2100-7345_3-5991491.html?tag=sas.email

Jib-jab offers their latest animated short. A 2-minute
spoof, available on MSN after airing on "The Tonight
Show," takes another stab at presidential politics,
specifically the travails of George Bush in his 2nd term.
http://news.com.com/Another+jab+from+JibJab+Bushs+2-0-5/2100-1026_3-5997129.html?tag=sas.email


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dog Quotes:

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
tail instead of his tongue. ~~ Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
go where they went. ~~ Will Rogers

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
he loves himself. ~~ Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
~~ Andy Rooney

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a
weird religious cult. ~~ Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
around three times before lying down. ~~ Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never
washed a dog. ~~ Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
~~ Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up
to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
~~ Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean,
here we come back from a grocery store with the most
amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must
think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and
dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
~~ Robert A. Heinlein

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!' ~~ Dave Barry

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two
of them. ~~ Phil Pastoret

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Say what you will about George Bush, but at least his
interns are only licking the envelopes." ~~ David
Letterman, on Bush sending out 1.4 million Christmas
cards

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was hospitalized
earlier this week with a rapid heartbeat. . . After the
doctors ex- amined him, they replaced some of Arnold's
obsolete computer chips and reinforced his titanium exo-
skeleton. He was good as new." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If God is love, and love is blind. . . .
does that mean that Ray Charles is God?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do brunettes tell blonde jokes? Because it gives them
something to do on a Saturday night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One-liners

The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share
the blame.

A word of advice...don't give it.

If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?

I am logged in...therefore, I am.

A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over
how to load the car.

Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb.

To belittle is to be little.

When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will
be no one there.

Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't
take much to improve your lot.

The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.

I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory
reverse mortgages.

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing
a one-way street.

Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other
jobs.

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering
about each other.

Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the
witnesses in a jury trial?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Holiday Facts:
Chanukah, St. Lucia Day, Christmas and Kwanzaa are
all holidays where cultures use candles to symbolize an
important part of their holiday.

The Chanukah menorah has nine candles, one called the
Shamash or "the servant candle" and the other eight are
for each night of Chanukah. The Shamash is lit first and
is used to light the rest of the candles.

The name Kwanzaa comes from the African language of
Swahili and means "first fruits of the harvest."

The Christmas custom of hanging wreaths on front doors
is borrowed from ancient Rome's New Year's celebration.
Romans wished each other "good health" by exchanging
branches of evergreens. It became the custom to bend
these branches into a ring and display them on doors.

Long before it was used as a "kiss encourager", mistletoe
was considered to have magical powers according to Celtic
peoples. Celts decorated their homes with mistletoe to
ward off evil spirits and to bring good luck.

Artificial spiders and their webs are often used to adorn
Ukranian Christmas trees. According to Ukranians, so
finding a spider web on Christmas morning is thought to
bring good luck.

Christmas festivities in Mexico begin on December 16
with "Las Posadas". Every night until Christmas Eve,
children reenact the holy family's search for lodging in
Bethlehem by dressing up and traveling from house to
house, singing Spanish carols and carrying brightly
decorated "báculos" (walking staffs) or "faroles" (paper
lanterns). "Las Posadas" is Spanish for inn or shelter.

Sending a red Christmas card to anyone in Japan would be
a bad idea, since funeral notices in Japan are customarily
printed in red.


Is There a Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of request, and with
research from that renowned scientific journal SPY
magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the
annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

No known species of reindeer can fly. but there are
300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,
and while most of these are insects and germs, this does
not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. but since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the
Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that
reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At
an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household,
that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at
least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks
to the different time zones and the rotation of the
earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes
logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with
good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park,
hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up
the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to
the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are
evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million
miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must
do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles
per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes
of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15
miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting
element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more
than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh
is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer"
(see point #1) could pull ten times the normal anount,
we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need
214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.

Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight
of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates
enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer
up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the
earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb
14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening
sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will
be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa,
meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces that are
17,500.06 times greater than gravity.

A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would
be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of
force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever did deliver presents on
Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his
girlfriend, Jung Lee, were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Heyu
baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, no now, rets rook at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's play Weeweechu. I love you and it's
the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee. Just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play
Weeweechu."So Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they
both sang...
"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
and a happy New Year."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The network is planning another "Survivor " this winter.
In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas style".

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco,
Austin, San Antonio, down to Houston and Brownsville.
They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to
Midland/Odessa, up to Lubbock and Amarillo. From there,
they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to
Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper
sticker that reads, "I am gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I
am here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas, wins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

She asked,"Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes,"he answered.

She asked,"Does it work?"

"Yes,"he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?"she asked.

"I can if I take two,"he answered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top 50 Oxymorons

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the number one top Oxymoron
1. Microsoft Works

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After
driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could
spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this
huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid theneighbors will talk if I let you
stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather
had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from
an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but
he finally determinedthat it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped
in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a hot summer day a blonde decides to stop at the
coke machine to get a coke. She drops her change in and
out pops the coke. Since it is a hot summer day a line is
forming behind her and she keeps dropping more change
in and getting more cokes.

Finally a man tells her to hurry up because their are
others that are thristy.

She says "Not now I'm winning, I'm winning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime




SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.




GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also thanks to Mike:
Dingell’s HOLIDAY Jingle for O’Reilly and House GOP
Washington, DC - Congressman John D. Dingell (MI-15)
recited the following poem on the floor of the US House
of Representatives concerning House Resolution 579,
which expressed the sense of the House of Representatives
that the symbols and traditions of Christmas should be
protected. “Preserving Christmas” has been a frequent
topic for conservative talk show hosts, including Fox
News’s Bill O’Reilly:

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the
House
No bills were passed ‘bout which Fox News could grouse;

Tax cuts for the wealthy were passed with great cheer,
So vacations in St. Barts soon would be near;

Katrina kids were nestled all snug in motel beds,
While visions of school and home danced in their heads;

In Iraq our soldiers needed supplies and a plan,
Plus nuclear weapons were being built in Iran;

Gas prices shot up, consumer confidence fell;
Americans feared we were on a fast track to…well…

Wait--- we need a distraction--- something divisive and
wily;
A fabrication straight from the mouth of O’Reilly

We can pretend that Christmas is under attack
Hold a vote to save it--- then pat ourselves on the back;

Silent Night, First Noel, Away in the Manger
Wake up Congress, they’re in no danger!

This time of year we see Christmas every where we go,
From churches, to homes, to schools, and yes…even
Costco;

What we have is an attempt to divide and destroy,
When this is the season to unite us with joy

At Christmas time we’re taught to unite,
We don’t need a made-up reason to fight

So on O’Reilly, on Hannity, on Coulter, and those right
wing blogs;
You should just sit back, relax…have a few egg nogs!

‘Tis the holiday season: enjoy it a pinch
With all our real problems, do we honestly need another
Grinch?

So to my friends and my colleagues I say with delight,
A merry Christmas to all,

and to Bill O’Reilly…Happy Holidays.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You may have heard this joke before...but ots a good one
so thanks to my sister:

A father leaves work a little late one night and on his way
home, he remembers that it's Christmas Eve and he hasn't
bought a gift for his daughter. He parks his car in front of
a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the
Barbie in the window?"

With a convincing voice the salesperson replies, "Well we
have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie plays
Volleyball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Dancing'
for $19.95, and ' Divorced Barbie' for $265.95."

The surprised man asks, "What? Why does the divorced
Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are only $19.95?"
Taking a deep breath, the salesperson responds, "Sir...
the 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's house,
Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and one of
Ken's friends."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Annual Office Christmas Party I'm happy to inform
you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the private function
room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and
plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel
free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can
be done at that time, however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special
announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now
on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians
or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will
be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from
a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-
drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no
gifts exchange are allowed since the union members
feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS
EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no
idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of
Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during day-
light hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you
to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's
table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats
for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we
suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics,
the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party Vegetarians?!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as
you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad
bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!! The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In
the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Happy Holidays!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From doctordialtone.com

Why English Is So Tough:

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

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