Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 49

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 49 December 12, 2005

Well are you making a list and checking it twice these
days? I hope most of us are being less naughty and
more nice but the email virus folks have been busy

More worms and threats for AOL Messenger users
http://news.com.com/2102-7349_3-5984845.html
and MSN/Hotmail users
http://news.com.com/2102-7349_3-5980987.html
What's next?
http://news.com.com/2102-7349_3-5985950.html


Thanks to Amanda for this great site with free animated gifs
http://www.gifanimations.com/index.jsp


Erin sent this spectacular eBay listing she says "On par
with, or maybe better than, the Wedding Dress Guy. If
you have time, read the questions submitted to the seller,
and also read the feedback he left for others. Ebay rules.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=8335653541


***************************************************
*
* While you are on eBay see my holiday gift items for sale,
* Disney jewelry (Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore, Piglet, and Mickey
* Mouse), also Stering Silver pendants, and earrings.
* There are some collectibles and software too. Please
* share this link with your friends. Thanks!
* http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZbaubles-and-bling-blingQQhtZ-1
*
***************************************************


Like I always say you can sell anything on eBay even a
Microsoft flaw (or you can try to)
http://news.zdnet.com/2100-1009_22-5989078.html

eBay has Guides and Product Reviews online now:
http://reviews.ebay.com/


I don't know if I reported this to you but there is a
phishing site that springs from the IRS actual site
which prompted this report from the government on
phishing (guess what? it's not their fault. . . imagine
that . . . in a regime that refuses to take responsibility
what else would you expect?)
http://blogs.washingtonpost.com/securityfix/2005/12/govt_fake_web_s.html


Free image hosting for eBay
http://xs.to/faq.php


Debbie sent me to this experiment
http://www.gogratitude.com/masterkey/



"The purpose of this site is to create a daily experience
of humor, inspiration and creative problem solving. The
combination of these three elements, if practiced daily,
will open the mind, allowing creative genius to blossom.
With this method you can stimulate creative thinking
habits and add a little delight to your day. "
http://enchantedmind.com/index.html



If you need a bit of calm (or news in a hurry) try these pics
(Time has the Top 10 for 2005)
http://www.time.com/time/potw/
or
http://news.com.com/Week+in+pictures:+Planetary+hues,+bird
or
http://www.cnn.com/interactive/world/europe/0101/davos.gallery/frameset.exclude.html
or
http://customwire.ap.org/specials/interactives/photoweek/
or
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3842331/

30 Hi Tech Gifts for Under $30
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/13.12/tools.html?pg=6


More great deals for the holidays:
Sirius radio receiver for $19.99 after rebate
http://news.com.com/Deal+of+the+day:+Sirius+radio+receiver+for+$19.99/2110-1041_3-5989371.html?tag=fd_nbs_ent&tag=nl.e433

Check for the best shipping rates:
http://www.iship.com/default.htm

Mike sent this interactive Christmas Card from Ashland
U (It's a slow loading card so if that is a problem skip it).
www.ashland.edu/ecard


Do you remember the leg lamp in A Christmas Story?
Well Mike sent us the link so you can have one:
http://www.redriderleglamps.com/
He also said "Now don’t put your eye out!"

Mike also sent the link to the Shakespearean insult page: http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker
Click on the “insult me again button” for a fresh insult from Bill.



Pegboard game
http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Pegs/

And from the same guy an email reminder you can use
http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Remind/


Play Web Jotto, just guess the word:
http://www.worldvillage.com/jchuang/Games/WebJotto/newgame.cgi


Look here for information about the development of electric
Christmas lighting in America during the 1900-1950 time
period, the years this collector considers to be the Golden
Age of electric Christmas lighting.
http://www.oldchristmaslights.com/

The site contains many interesting facts including the following:
"Montgomery Wards inadvertently gave the American public
two well known Christmas treasures: the bubble light and
Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer. The original story of
Rudolph, a bit different than the one we know today, first
appeared in a children's giveaway booklet in 1939. "

"The character became a runaway hit. Also, Carl Otis, the
inventor of the bubble light, worked as an accountant for
the company. Wards did not sponsor Carl's invention, and
he eventually sold it to NOMA. It became the biggest selling
Christmas light in history up to that time. "


You all know by now I am a big fan of Google but just in
case you want to try something new, here is another great
search engine which separates results into categories (web,
news, whitepages, yellowpages, and even health sites)
http://www.mamma.com/



Good news for most of us Caffeine is good for you:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/04/AR2005120400950.html



Amazing stories, how things came to be like aspirin, Pez,
Bandaids, Q-tips and many more here:
http://home.nycap.rr.com/useless/site_index/index.html


Mr. Smarty Pants Knows has appeared weekly in The
Austin Chronicle since September 23, 1988 If you click
on the weekly column and then on the link to his name
you can see over 300 weekly columns or just ask at:
http://www.austinchronicle.com/mrpants/index.html


Much like iVillage this site from England has lots of
channels aimed at women
http://www.icircle.com/sitemap/



On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most of us miss out on life's big prizes.
The Pulitzer.
The Nobel.
Oscars.
Tonys.
Emmys.

But we're all eligible for life's small pleasures.
A pat on the back.
A kiss behind the ear.
A four-poundbass.
A full moon.
An empty parking space.
A crackling fire.
A great meal.
A glorious sunset.
Hot soup.
Cold beer.
~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time
and annoys the pig.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Next time they give you all that civic crap about voting,
keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free demo-
cratic election." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may
arrive without religion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coffee isn't my cup of tea. ~~ Samuel Goldwyn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
~~ Tommy Cooper

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal
computer. Experts say it revolutionized work and made
people more productive at the office. Except for the six
hours a day they are emailing friends, sufing the Internet,
and playing solitaire!" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More thoughts to Ponder

Why do they say you're never too old to learn if you can't
teach an old dog new tricks?

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but
broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small
medium at large.

Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed
in the end.

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the night before Christmas...Mommy style
'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring,
she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping,
all snug in their beds,
while visions of XBox 360 & Barbie,
flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the Mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "NOW what's the matter?

"With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes & soot, which fell with a shrug,
"Oh great," muttered the Mom,"now I have to clean the rug!"

"Ho Ho Ho!" cried Santa,
"I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially
difficult to make.""

Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "So, I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she muttered, "What good is that?"
"Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit chat."

Then out walked the clone -- the mother's twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young The Restless."

"Fantastic!" the Mom cheered.
"My dream has come true!"
"I'll shop, I'll read,
I'll sleep a night through!"

"From the room above, the youngest did fret.
"Mommy?! Come quickly, I'm scared and I'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the Mom smiled, "she sure knows her part.

"The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "And I love you, too."

The Mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's my child's LOVE she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely, Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here."

The Mom kissed her child and tucked her in bed."
Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head."
"I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old for my cradle and song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right."

Sometimes we need reminding of what life is all about.
Especially at times during the holiday season,
when all we seem to do is clean and bake and shop
and and and and and and... You get the picture, I'm sure.
So stop for a moment and hug that little one so special,
whether he/she is 2 or 22, or even older than that.
For they are the Gift that God gave us in life...
and what a gift to be treasured, far above any other!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Martha had her way. For instance:
10. Palm penmanship: Forget the Palm's perplexing Graffiti
system; from now on, Calligraffiti.

9. Homemade RAM: Hand-select grains of silicon from the
beach. Spread on cookie sheet and melt in 2,605-degree
oven. Cut into squares with a diamond-edged pizza wheel
and fuse together with hot glue gun. Wrap in colored
cellophane and tie with raffia. Makes a lovely holiday gift.

8. Specially brewed programming language: Java now
known as a "Grande Double Decaf Amaretto Latte With
No Foam."

7. Antiqued PCs: Give your desktop that old-world, Apple IIe
feel. With a soft brush, lightly apply crackle coating.
Remove 90 percent of the memory. Then, toss down stairs.

6. Civilized cell phones: Replace those cell-phone rings with
your own recording of birdsong. Or try an MP3 of Vivaldi's
"The Four Seasons." It's a good thing.

5. Hot new collectors' item: Fiestaware satellite dishes.

4. Best in show: Sony Aibo travel kit comes with a wicker
waste tote, a Hartz 2-in-1 debugging collar, and a pink
tulle bow.

3. Grandma's blackberry crisp recipe: No more pesky
e-mails! Scrape off keys (set aside for a crumble). Fold in
sugar, flour, and two eggs. Add lemon zest and bake until
beeping stops.

2. High-tech severance package: Two Bartlett pears, a
clump of Armenian jasmine bound in cheesecloth, and a
packet of three handheld styli. Available for a limited
time only.

1. Country garden computing: Transform a rustic wheel-
barrow, an iron gate, and 37 heirloom tomato seeds into
a cutting edge 3GHz Pentium 4 PC.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed
a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my
dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be
more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on
car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list:
"Wean kids."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The airlines are working much harder to deal with the
problem of lost luggage. This morning I saw a picture of
my suitcase on a milk carton.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to
his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with
pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of
his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach
down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land
this plane here without wheels!"

The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting
certain disaster. Continuing home, he landed the plane on the
lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said
to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's
the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out... right
into the water.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DOE RE MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson.
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
(Looks into an empty glass) D'OH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have my changed my system for labeling homemade
freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters,
"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or
"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." However, I
used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he
wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those
things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really
likes. If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new
set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't
Care," "Something Good," or "Food."

My frustration is now reduced because no matter what
my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for
dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appoint-
ment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she
was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my
cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality
of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going
to tell anybody about this!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Bob for these
Martha vs Maxine

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your
feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

*Maxine's Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use
a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any
white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Maxine's Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an instant "fix-me-up."

*Maxine's Way *
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it
and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refriger-
ator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine's Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine's Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it
on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

*Maxine's Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish-
washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes
opening jars easy.

*Maxine's Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine's Way *
Leftover wine???????????
HELLO !!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maxine also says:

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has
the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands
of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's much more
comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and
Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting
on an Open Fire

8. Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out,
I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland
Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that
maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take
a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and
made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that
the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few
days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light
bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and
recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my
co- worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked
her " ...And where do you think you're going?"

( You're gonna love this..... ) Scroll Down...
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She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
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Don't forget to check out my holiday gift items on eBay!http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZbaubles-and-bling-blingQQhtZ-1

Thanks and have a great week!