Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 51

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 51 December 26, 2005

Well another Christmas has come and gone but there is
still Hannukah and New Years to celebrate so this issue
has some year end lists, photo year in review, and plenty
of games for you (if you are not too busy doing day after
Christmas shopping or celebrating Boxing Day). Be sure
to check out Pimp my Nutcracker which combines the
Christams Nutcracker with a paper doll type experience,
what a hoot!


A Santa Claus worm is attempting to trick AIM, Microsoft
MSN and Yahoo instant-messaging users into clicking on a
file that delivers unwanted software to a victim's computer.
http://news.com.com/Santa+IM+worm+hits+AOL,+MSN+and+Yahoo/2100-7349-6002790.html

And speaking of worms, maybe the RIAA will finally get
what's coming to them. According to the current court
case they are going after a single mom who the judge said
"does not know Kazaa from kazoo" and she has given up
on doing it with an attorney after spending $24,000.
Sounds a little like David and Goliath to me.
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/12/25/D8ENBNE80.html


Start the year off with FREE Trade publications
http://c-notes.tradepub.com/


The year in review - A List of Year-End Lists
http://www.fimoculous.com/year-review-2005.cfm


The Best of Notable Quotes 2005
http://www.mrc.org/notablequotables/bestof/2005/welcome.asp


Sports Illustrated photo gallery
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/


Way more than Ebert's Best 10 Movies of 2005, here is
previous years winners plus many other categories.
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051218/COMMENTARY/512180302


Popular toys of the last 100 years
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10387831/


Think you have a cute photo? Check out Cute overload
and maybe you'll want to send them one of your own.
http://www.cuteoverload.com/


Nothing says Happy Holidays like a photo of sweet little
toddlers screaming at Santa.
http://www.southflorida.com/events/sfl-scaredsanta,0,2245506.photogallery



Erin sent us this link where you write your letter to Santa.
(for adults but not x-rated)
http://members.aol.com/frogiearno/dearsanta.htm


This is just too funny! Pimp my nutcracker:
http://www.pimpmynutcracker.com/


The artificial trees have mutated and are sucking the
spirit out of Christmas. Help the elf beat these bad guys
by hitting them with snow balls!
http://www.kewlbox.com/games/game.cfm?gameId=121


Christmas Helicopter Game
http://www.nexum.hu/hu/swf/xmas2004_en/game.swf


Try this one and click what we have done for some games
http://www.winterwishes.co.uk/


A Christmas Crossword Puzzle
http://www.wels.net/sab/java/puzzwk13.htm


More puzzles
http://imagiware.com/puzzle/


Fun and games at Serena's World
http://www.serena1.com/fun.html


BELL stands for Bot for English Language Learning. She
never gets bored or tired of talking with you. She can
answer math questions, tell you where most countries are
and what their capitals are, and she even knows a few jokes.
She still makes mistakes, but she still really enjoys chatting.
She can understand you a lot better if you type carefully.
http://demo.vhost.pandorabots.com/pandora/talk-oddcast?botid=8545e5ed5e35811a

Beauty Tips from Principessa
http://www.principessabeauty.com/beautytips.html

The Darwin Awards 2005:
http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/index_darwin2005.html

Speaking of bad ideas, this guy searches the world and
his mind for the worst in bad ideas.
http://www.mrbadideas.com/


Explore the stories of Robin Hood, King Arthur and his
men, Pirates and Privateers, and many more. See the
stories that have lasted through time.
http://www.legends.dm.net/


Or if you are in the mood to travel and if you are into
the supernatural try this travelogue of all fifty states
that focuses on one particularly creepy spot in each.
http://www.ghostinmysuitcase.com/


Got a case of flu or URI over the holidays
http://www.diagnose-me.com/



Is it time for pinching pennies? The focus here is on low-
cost, home-cooking from scratch.
http://www.hillbillyhousewife.com/index.htm


This is about natural foods, organic ingredients, recipes,
sustainable farming, whole grains, ingredient spotlights,
profiles, reviews, gift ideas, organic wines, new product
info, travel ideas, news, studies and trends, all wrapped
up in one food-loving bundle.
http://www.mightyfoods.com/


Querying the hive mind. "What to do about my boyfriend?"
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/29191


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably
easier to write with." ~~ Marty Feldman

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"If it's beautifully arranged on the plate, you just know
someone's fingers have been all over it." ~~ Julia Child

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"I went to fill up this morning and there was a sign on the
pump, 'We take Visa, Master Card, American Express.' So
they took my Visa, Mastercard and my American Express!"
~~ Jay Leno

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"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly,
acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all
I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand
thing. ~~ Agatha Christie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When are they gonna come up with some new Christmas
Carols?" ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You know the good part about all thise executions in
Texas? Fewer Texans." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian
manner. I will not however be responsible for the
consequenses." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

English is a strange language for some:

On a French passenger jet:
Live West Under Your Seat.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are
not a person to do such thing
is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that
time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between
the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

In a Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job
of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian
Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous
Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers
are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose
in the boots of ascension.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today: no ice cream.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with
cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people's fashion.

Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speeching American.

At a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

At a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will
execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping
site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested
that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

At the office of a Rome doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

At an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served
here.

At a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they
are best in the long run.

A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel
air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of
warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the
horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he
still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with
vigor.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are
welcome to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AT&T operators often have to deal with the confounding
questions and responses from customers. Here are a few
taken from a compilation called "Thank You for Calling
AT&T."

"Thanks for calling AT&T, this is Londa.""Who did I Call?
LONDON?""No, this is Londa.""WHERE? LONDON,
ENGLAND?"

"I've been on hold four months."

"Can you tell me if my calling card is in my wallet?"

"I was trying to abuse my calling card, and it's just
not working!"

"So...which adult party line would YOU choose?"

"Is 30% more than 10%?"

"I want you to check my bill to see if I would save money
on a different plan.""I'd be glad to do that. May I have
your area code and phone number? "You'll have to look
it up. It's a non-published number. I don't give it out."

"I think you're screwing me! I'm going to throw my
phone out the window with me in it!"

"To place a call, you just dial 1-800-OPERATOR."
"How do you spell `operator?' I'm not a math wizard,
you know."

"I didn't make those calls...I can't even read or write!"

"Where is area code 900?"

"I want to tell you about this phone I invented.

"Is October before or after November?"

"Hello, can I have the number for AT&T?"

"Is this an average size bill for you?""I think so...it's
usually around 3'' by 5''.

"I just dialed a wrong 800 number. Will I be charged?"

"That call is to an adult entertainment line.""Oh, well,
at least he's still interested!"

"I need credit on my bill because my dad died tomorrow
and I'm broke."

"I just dialed this psycho line and it's disconnected!"

"I want to know what I can do about harassing phone calls.
These people are threatening me and my wife, and now
they are getting obscene with my daughter! I don't know
who it is...they always call collect."

"I want L-O-R-D as my PIN number, but don't use my
wife's name as the card number. It has 666 in the middle."

"Can I put money in this pay phone?"

"When I dial my motherland, she is not very good speaking!"

"No, ma'am, AT&T will not call the police if you don't pay
your bill."

"I lost my checkbook tonight, and I need to cancel my checks."

"Is there anything else I can help you with?""Not unless
you know any hookers in Rock Hill."

"Hi...I have a sticker on my phone that says, `Call ATT,'
so I'm calling."

"Can you tell me where this 900 number goes?"
"That is a True Confessions line."
"But we are not Catholic!"

"All my calls are within a 20-mile-an-hour radius."

"How can I help you?""You can get this dog and cat off
of me!!!"

"What countries do you usually call?"
"Germany and New Jersey."

"Can you hold...I have a fire going on in here."

"Zero-zero? I just dial those three numbers? That's all?"

"My boyfriend is in the Forest Service and he's been on
fire all week."

"I want you to freeze my phone bill. I've got permission
from God."

"Our Fraud Department will be investigating these calls."
"The Frog Department? Would you spell that?"

"AT&T is responsible for the swastikas on my door
yesterday!"

"I'm calling from my condom and I can't get out...did I
just say condom? I meant CONDO!"

"What state do you live in?""Taylorsville."

"I'm going to church to see if God can explain my
phone bill to me."
"I can explain it to you, ma'am."
"Yeah, but I like His explanations better."

"Can I get your name, please?"
"Who."
"Your's. Can you give me your name, please?"
"Yes...my name is spelled H-U."

"I was justrying to call 1-800-FUN-COLOR to choose
turquoise blue as my favorite for the new M&M colors,
but I got Skylab! The FBI isn't going to arrest me, are
they?"

"I need a number I called recently. It should be on my
next bill."
"I'm sorry, sir. Those calls are stored on magnetic tape.
We don't see them until the bill is printed."
"Then go listen to the tape!"
"Sir, those tapes are in a storage facility."
"That's okay. I'll wait."

and last but not least...

"How do you make a pound cake?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the
roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his
wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.
The wife began to cry.

“Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are
not hurt.”

Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said
between sobs. “I’m happy ‘cause this is the first time
in 15 years we’ve been out together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is seasonal but really bad . . .
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked,
as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess- nuts boasting in
an open foyer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Great Conspiracy

We Must Stop This immediately! Have you ever noticed
that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill
from where you are? Stairs are steeper. . .
Groceries are heavier.

And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to
the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long
our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially
the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you
ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves,
endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're
red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same
age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much
older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and
she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing
my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my
own reflection . . .
Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're
risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the
freeway in front of them . . .
All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast,
the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view
mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.
Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or
12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that
these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs,
and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the
same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's
going on -- but the telephone company is in on the
conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such
small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under
attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon
"everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
[Courtesy of AndyChaps]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Be Named Time
Magazine's Person Of The Year

10. "Your biggest achievement this year was hooking up
your Tivo"

9. "You failed a paternity test on 'Maury'"

8. "The only award you've ever won is for eating your
weight in ribs"

7. "You were on the Robert Blake jury"

6. "Don't subscribe to 'Time', but you do flip through
'Hustler' at 7-Eleven"

5. "You were on the Michael Jackson Jury"

4. "Only compliment you got this year was some idiot
telling you you're doing 'a heck of a job'"

3. "You have Bill Gates' looks, Bill Gates' personality...
without Bill Gates' money"

2. "You donate your free time to hot tubbin' "

1. "You did this" (Video Tape: Bush can't open door)

[From the Late Show with David Letterman]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

2006 PACKERS SCHEDULE

September
14................Taft Junior High School
21................Cub Scout Troop #101
28................Green Bay Blind Academy

October
05................Spanish American War Vets
12................Crippled Children's Home
19................Appleton Mental Hospital
26................Girl Scout Troop # 353

November
02.................Wisconsin Venereal Disease Clinic
09.................Depere Boys Choir
16.................Korean Amputees

SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December08..................Sheboygan Gay Boys Club

** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **

1 - When playing polio patients, the Packers must not
disconnect knee braces.

2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Packers must
not hide the football under their jerseys.

** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **

1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the
goal line for all you Packer fans that have never seen this)
it is still worth 6 points.

2 - The Packers will be allowed 20 men on the field at all
times.

3 - The Packers will be allowed to substitute with band
members atanytime.

4 - The Packers will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed
to 3 for the opposing team.

5 - The Packers will be awarded a first down with each
gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.

** COACHING CHANGES **

Mike Sherman will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She
will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on
the big ones!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a
moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and
says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resem-
bling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I
want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed................"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back
in the box."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this reminder
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the
summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at
the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-
December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY
historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY
single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be
a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to
drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world
in one night and not get lost

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally thanks to Sheila for this bit from Dave Barry

Once again we find ourselves
enmeshed in the Holiday Season,
that very special time of year
when we join with our loved ones in sharing
centuries-old traditions such as
trying to find a parking space at the mall.

We traditionally do this in my family
by driving around the parking lot until
we see a shopper emerge from the mall,
then we follow her,
in very much the same spirit
as the Three Wise Men,
who 2,000 years ago followed a star,
week after week, until it led them
to a parking space.
-- Dave Barry --

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http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!