FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 8

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 8 February 20, 2006

Just one more week till Mardi Gras so the webcams should be on:
http://mglinks.com/
http://www.mardigras.com/
http://www.mardigrasneworleans.com/


Wacky ebay auctions
http://www.bizarrebids.com/
http://www.dumb.com/auctions.htm


.;~`*`~:.;~`*`~:.;~`*`~:.;~`*`~:..;~`*`~:..;~`*`~:.;~`*`~:.
Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz
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So many people are hungry. If there was a way for you
to help that was easy and didn't even cost you anything
but a moment of your time, you would do it wouldn't you?
Two sites to click for the hungry. Please help and do it
again as many days as you can.
http://www.stopthehunger.com/hunger/
http://www.thehungersite.com/


If you had more than your share of Valentines you may
want to check out these Anti Valentines sites that were
recommended by Yahoo on Valentines Day
http://www.despair.com/bittersweets.html
http://www.deadroses.com/
http://quirkyalone.net/qa/
http://www.angelfire.com/ma/avideto/vday.html
http://members.shaw.ca/susanna1/pagefour.html
http://www.teddyscares.com/
http://www.capnwacky.com/valentines/
http://www.craftygal.com/archives/201/table201.htm
http://www.breakupgirl.net/special/vday/haiku.html
http://iconomy.addr.com/those_other_sticky_valentines/creepy.html
http://www.ananova.com/news/lp.html?keywords=Rocky+relationships&menu=news.quirkies.rockyrelationships
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Holidays_and_Observances/Valentine_s_Day/Opposing_Views/
http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3574

And some that came up while I was looking for the Yahoo
site with the above links (which lasted until midnight -
glad I copied the links when I could)
http://www.meish.org/vd/
http://nonpc.org/luv.html
http://www.blackheartsparty.com/
http://www.pacifict.com/ron/valentine/vd.html
http://www.geocities.com/adammusic//vd.html
http://www.outofthefryingpan.com/entertaining/valentine/anti.shtml
http://www.angelfire.com/ma2/moviepage/val.html


Look at these photos. Is it real or computer generated?
http://www.alias.com/eng/etc/fake_or_foto/v1/quiz.html


Draw a pig
http://drawapig.desktopcreatures.com/drawApig.asp


Online games
Bat the penguin through the air (ouch)
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf




On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during
a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the
first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton.
Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr
over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering.
Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." ~~ Jon Stewart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located
weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."
~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard
down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you
think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'"
~~ Craig Ferguson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer
and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot
was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He
took a little in the wallet." ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when
he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the
worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information
right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's
never stopped them in the past." ~~ Craig Ferguson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his
hole and shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of
winter." ~~ Jimmy Kimmel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"On Friday night, at the opening ceremonies, all the
Olympic athletes marched into the stadium. When the
French team saw all those people marching in, they
immediately surrendered." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush said today he is standing by the vice
president. Way behind him." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the
age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president
than to find a husband." ~~Jimmy Kimmel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sheila sent these:

that are shamelessly stolen from a newsletter I subscribe to

How many magazines are you subscribed to?
23% Just my favorite one.
38% 2-3
18% 4-5
14% More than 5
6% So many that I've lost count!
1% I'm not subscribed to any magazines.
Total Votes: 859
=========================================
*Just For Fun*
*The average person has 100,000 hairs on his or her head.
Each hair grows about 5 inches every year.

* Seventy percent of the dust in your home consists of shed
human skin. In your lifetime, you'll shed over 40 pounds of
skin.

* Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming one tenth
of a calorie.

Source: High Tech Science

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks again to Sheila:

** TRIVIA ** The Main Library at Indiana University
sinks a little every year because when it was built,
engineers failed to take into account the weight of all
the books that would occupy the building.

** TRIVIA ** The first merchandise item to feature
Mickey Mouse was a child's school tablet in 1929.

** TRIVIA ** Margarethe Meyer Schurz started the first
kindergarten in the United States in Watertown, Wisconsin
in 1856. The children learned through arts and crafts, music
and play. (note from me: it is preserved as a monument)
http://www.watertownhistory.org/octagon.htm

** TRIVIA ** Bruce Willis, Bette Midler, George Clooney,
and John Ritter were all elected and served as the class
presidents of their high school student councils.

** TRIVIA ** In a 1999 National School Lunch Program
survey, nearly 70 percent of American grade-school stud-
ents surveyed said pizza was their favorite entree, corn
their favorite vegetable, and cookies their favorite dessert.

** TRIVIA ** The world's first singing commercial aired
on the radio on Christmas Eve, 1926 for Wheaties cereal.
The four male singers, eventually known as the Wheaties
Quartet, sang the jingle. The Wheaties Quartet, comprised
of an undertaker, a bailiff, a printer, and a businessman,
performed the song for the next six years, at $6 per singer
per week. The commercials were a resounding success.

** TRIVIA ** Americans spend twice as much each year for
kids' athletic shoes as they do for kids' books.

** TRIVIA ** One job that actor Brad Pitt held before
he became famous was that of a costumed chicken for
El PolloLoco restaurant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life's Questions:

What do you call Sour Cream when it goes bad?

If you throw a pencil is it still stationary?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a
bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know
what time it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during
a plane crash, why isn't the whole plane made of that stuff?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkey's and apes?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a "s" in it?

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to the ladies at eBay in Blast from the Past for these

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to
make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive
man?
A: A rumor

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating
their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a
good fairy came to them and said that because they had
been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her
husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise
tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that
fairy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males
after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome2
. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on frequent occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it is the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN THAT YOU KNOW
WHO NEEDS A LAUGH........
AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN PERHAPS
HANDLE IT!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for
a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already
there.

4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the
same time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.

5. How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and
they both last about 60 seconds.

6. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

7. What's the difference between government bonds and
men?
Bonds mature.

8. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

9. What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

10. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

11. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world
does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them. .

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A. A widow

Q Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women ....come home, see what's
in bed and go to the fridge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How To Clean The House Using Your Computer
Open a new file in your PC.
Name it "Housework."
Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete
housework permanently?"
Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
All done. Feel better?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Philosophy on Life:
1. I don't do windows because...
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window
and get hurt. (I am compassionate)

2. I don't wax floors because... I am terrified a guest will slip,
hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.
(I am careful and poor)

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because...
They are very good company, I have named most of them,
and they agree with everything I say. (I am imaginative)

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because I want every creature
to have a home of their own and my family loves spiders.
(I am kind)

5. I don't Spring Clean because... I love all the seasons and
don't want the others to get jealous. (I am fair minded)

6. I don't plant a garden because... I don't want to get in
God's way, he is an excellent designer. (I am courteous)

7. I don't put things away because...My family will never
be able to find them again. (I am considerate)

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make
when they invite me over for dinner.(I am thoughtful)

9. I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when
they say "Permanent Press". (I am trusting)

10. I don't stress much on anything because..."A-Type"
personalities die young and I want to stick around and
become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!
(I am winning this battle !)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead," God said. "God, what is a million years
to you?"

God said, "a million years to me is only a second."

"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what
is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."

So the man said, "God. Can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates