FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 5

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 5 January 30, 2006

Happy Chinese New Year's. Hope it will be a great year
for all my friends, family and readers!

Yahoo Instant Messenger has been targeted by phishers
in a new scam that lures users to a fake Yahoo Photos
Web site and encourages them to type in their Yahoo
username and password.
http://www.websensesecuritylabs.com/alerts/alert.php?AlertID=403



Not Blues but definitely worth the trip: Les Paul and
Friends perform Feb 7 at Citywalk in LA (a benefit).
The father of the electric guitar was born in Waukesha, WI.
http://biz.yahoo.com/prnews/060127/laf029.html?.v=39



New additions to my blues site
http://bluesbaby.8k.com


If Groundhogs Day is not of interest scroll down till you see
**********************************************

The link between Groundhogs Day and Chinese Astronomy
http://www.friesian.com/grndhog.htm



Next up is Groundhog's Day on Thursday February 2nd,
where the groundhog checks out his shadow and lets us
know how much more winter we have to face.

Here is the legend from Jimmy's site:
On February 2nd, the groundhog sticks his head out of
his burrow. If it is a sunny day, the groundhog will see
his shadow. Frightened, he will go back into his burrow,
and there he will nestle for more sleep. Winter will last
six more weeks.

If it is a cloudy day, the groundhog will not see his shadow.
Hungry after a long winter's sleep, the groundhog will
scamper off in search of food. Spring will come early.


My local Groundhog is Jimmy. His site has a song, history,
and the legends here:
http://www.groundhogcentral.com/

More Official Groundhog Sites
http://www.groundhogsday.com/links.php?cat_id=1


This site was recommended by the folks at Jimmys site:
it has sounds, videos, postcards, and humorous stories
(not jokes) about live groundhogs.
http://www.hoghaven.com/


On the East Coast its all about Punxsutawney Phil who they
believe is the only true weather forecasting groundhog. The
others are just impostors.
http://www.groundhog.org/


More Groundhogs Day songs, trivia and wallpaper
http://groundhog-day.123holiday.net/groundhog_day_songs.html


Stormfax keeps track back into the 1890's of the record
http://www.stormfax.com/ghogday.htm

The Groundhog from Canada Wiarton Willie
http://www.southbrucepeninsula.com/index.cfm?member=willie

Teaching themes for Groundhog Day, coloring pages, word
search, fill in the letter puzzles and more.
http://www.edhelper.com/Groundhog_Day.htm

**********************************************

More goodies for teachers - award winning website.
http://www.woodlandwideweb.org.uk/


Great graphics display of how Legos are made
http://popandco.com/archive/moab/


Do you like to draw? Even if you are no good at it you
can enjoy this site where you can draw online. The links
on the side are the navigation, on top is just a search
outside the site.
http://www.drawmesomething.com/


Do you ever need just one sheet of graph paper? Print
it right from your computer:
http://www.pdfpad.com/graphpaper/



Type in the address of any website, choose a site that
you'd like to punish, or whose destruction would bring
you bliss and delight, or just fun. Choose what kind of
catastrophe you'd like the target-site to suffer from.
The disasters are sorted by category.
http://www.netdisaster.com/



Online games from Shockwave
http://www.shockwave.com/?mid=0

More games from Lifetime TV
http://www.lifetimetv.com/games/games_more.php

Have you played the Dannon Frusion Breakfast Brawl?
http://frusion.com/game.asp


Virtual drums what a hoot! Click on blue tab to see
keystrokes for more playing options.
http://www.kenbrashear.com/


Wow this was hard but I squeaked through with 21:
http://intelligence-test.net/part1/



History of hard drives with pics (navigation on top)
http://news.com.com/2300-1010_3-6031405-1.html


This is creepy, apparently a UK illusionists website
http://www.derrenbrown.co.uk/


Treasuremytext allows you to store SMS Messages (text
messages) from your mobile phone online. You forward a
message you want to save to the number just like sending
a normal SMS. It's free!
http://www.treasuremytext.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/TreasureMyText.woa


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This one came from Mike:

Rep. Charles Rangel, D-N.Y., who is black, was asked on
public TV about the president.

"Well, I really think that he shatters the myth of white
supremacy once and for all."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one
less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
-- Robert Frost

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Osama bin Laden "has three demands. That we pull
our troops out of Iraq. That we pull the troops out of
Afghanistan. And he wants to see actual stars on
'Dancing with the Stars.' " ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Time" has named former Presidents Bush and Clinton
the partners of the year. These two are now so close
they're thinking about making a cowboy movie."
~~ Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the
answer but wish we didn't. ~~ Erica Jong

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be who are you and say what you feel, because those
who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
~~ Dr. Seuss

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm dating a guy who's twenty-one. That's seven in boy
years." Lisa Goich

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts to Ponder

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and
a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Get Rid of Telemarketers For Good

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed
for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm
so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to
care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting
up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located, how
long it has been in business, how many people work there,
how they got into this line of work, if they are married,
how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them
personal questions or questions about their company
for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi,
my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait
for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you
wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy
a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out
where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of
each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are
trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until
they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family
and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can,
"I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out
blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him
or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell
them that you can't just give your credit card number to
a complete stranger.

10. If the telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him
or her that you work for the same company and that
employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a tele-
marketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!"
and then hang up.

12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and
ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I
guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and
proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue
to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue
with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging
of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration"
and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up
a number.

17. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you, but I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
Next ask them "what are you wearing?"

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing
a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's
your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need
to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to
write every word down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced
a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a
bad case of pneumonia sent her to the hospital overnight
for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got
Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain
about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy
gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a
button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,"
said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,"
the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the
sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on
in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won
in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see
if you can find something to buy with it.

What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets
to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York
Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York,
we get to go to the ballet!!!

Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good
the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed

My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the
money my parents gave us to get something nice for the
house.

If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club
with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the
living room painted tonight.

If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the
home decorating magazines.

Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer
with us.

You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.


Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of all the
cooking and housework.

You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to
that impractical Corvette.

Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for
directions.

Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have
never really grown up.

Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream
pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store
on romance movies. You know, that Pam Anderson just
doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so
attractive in a woman.

I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a
nice quiche?

Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go
furniture shopping.

Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced
up in a suit and tie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts
passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just
then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights
flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the
street, where we found the owners of the blazing house
standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of
disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding
our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A recent study has found that some girls start to learn
cruelty and manipulation as young as three years old -
or as Martha Stewart calls them 'late bloomers.'"
~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 Features of The Company Car

• Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.


• Has a much shorter braking distance than the
  private car.


• Can take speed humps at twice the speed of
  private cars.


• The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never
  have to be checked.


• It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil
  warning light flashing.


• It needs cleaning less often than private cars.


• The suspension is reinforced to allow for the
  weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other
  building material.


• Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily
  eliminated by turning up the radio.


• It needs no security system and may be left
  anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.


• It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques
  and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his
money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest
and said, "Well, son, it was 1932.

The depth of the Great Depression.

I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple.

I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the
end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The
next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.

I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at
5:00 pm for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which
I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.....


Then my wife's uncle died and left us two million dollars."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the
Catholic Church outside of Washington as part of his
campaign. Bush's campaign manager made a visit to
the Bishop, and said to him "We've been getting a lot
of bad publicity among Catholics because of Bush's
position on stem cell research and the like. We'd
gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000
if, during your sermon, you'd say the President is a
saint."

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments . . .
then succumbed, saying, "Well, the Church is in
desperate need of funds . . so I'll do it."

Bush showed up for the service confident and smug
as ever, but confused and concerned as the Bishop
delivered his homily: "George Bush is a petty, self-
absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a
cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He steals
elections. He politicizes science.

He has lied about his military record and had the
gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a
carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission
Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and
money, and is using it to lie to the American people.
He continues to blur the line between church and
state. Cronyism and corruption is rampant in his
administration. He is the worst example of a
Christian I've ever personally known. But
compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet,
George Bush is a saint."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this one:

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the
missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive
restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes
spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists
on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate
the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get
head again.


CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but
nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive
dinner and again nothing happens.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and
you've already realized......nothing is going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a
real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk
on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother,
father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all
of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother,
her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids
move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of
your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks
like a home along the Rio Grande.

The point of the story is:
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also from Erin: an oldie but still pretty good

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband
1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system
performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention
6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL
5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no
longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please
enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html"
and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install
the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application
can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it
runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize
control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt
to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are both
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does
have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly. You might consider buying additional software to
improve memory and performance. We recommend Food
3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally from Amanda the #1 Rule

Women do not get upset, I did not make the rules but
having read them, they are reasonable . At last a guy
has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the
guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If
it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing
of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends
are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See
a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void
after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are....... Don't
ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the
other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how
you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how
to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin
is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but
it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, NASCAR, or
golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. ROUND IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep
on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't
mind that? It's like camping.


Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a
bigger laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates