FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 3

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 3 January 16, 2006

Officially Mardi Gras will be held Feb. 10-28 but as we
have discussed previously it's a season from Epiphany to
Lent so there was already a parade. Unfortunately Mardi
Gras is not going well so far:
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/01/16/D8F5IO7O2.html

Although some managed to enjoy it:
http://www.shreveporttimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060115/NEWS01/601150316/1002/NEWS

http://www.bossierpress.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1561&Itemid=66

Mardi Gras event planning
http://www.2theadvocate.com/features/2164497.html

Official Mardi Gras sites
http://www.mardigras.com/
http://www.mardigrasday.com/ recipe for King Cake here
http://www.neworleans.com/
http://www.nola.com/mardigras/parades/
http://www.holidays.net/mardigras/cake.htm really easy recipe
http://www.soulard.com/renaissance/mardi97/kingcake.html
this last is a really traditional recipe


If you want to order a King cake or find out more about
this years celebration:
http://www.mardigrasneworleans.com/kingcakes.html
http://www.haydelbakery.com/
http://www.cancansys.com/~gambinos//shop/mg_packages.php
http://www.kingcake.com/


Gore speaks out today
http://www.drudgereport.com/flash1g.htm


Cronkite speaks out on the war
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/01/16/D8F5JJ5O0.html



Techie Update Year in Review 2005
http://news.com.com/Year+in+review+RD+hits+the+road/2009-1008_3-5994214.html?tag=cd.top


Don't you just love the holiday logos at Google? Did you
know they archive them? Make sure to check out the
Valentines one in 2001 and click the heart just for fun.
http://www.google.com/intl/en/holidaylogos.html



50 + Musicians who died before their time slide show
http://www.nbc10.com/slideshow/news/5494236/detail.html



I don't know about you but I am a list person. I have had
some of my lists like packing for a trip and my grocery list
stored on my computer for a long time. I just seem to get
more done with lists so here are some pre-prepared lists:
http://www.printablechecklists.com/
http://www.checklists.com/atoz.html



A comprehensive and complete source of community
profiles for over 1000 communities throughout the US.
http://www.villageprofile.com/



When is the Chinese New Year's Day in Year 2006?
January 29, 2006 is the first day of the new year. Look
for more in an upcoming issue or look back to last year
http://more-blues.blogspot.com/2005/02/fun-on-web-vol-4-issue-5.html


Two centuries ago in a tiny village tucked away in China's
Yellow Mountains, roughly 250 miles southwest of Shanghai.
A wealthy merchant named Huang dreamed of an elegant
home for his family and generations of Huangs to come.
With grit, determination, and a boatload of yen, his Huizhou
masterpiece was born. Complete with fish ponds, an open-air
courtyard, an interior shrine, and even a reception hall, the
grand compound lacked no amenities for his pampered
progeny. Utilizing the concepts of feng shui, Huang plied
the home with lavish treasures like good luck coins,
calligraphic walls, carved brick phoenixes, and ancestral
scrolls to ensure that happiness and fortunes remained
intact. Eight generations later, the family moved and
their beautiful home was dismantled. In an act of historic
preservation, Huang's legacy found new life in America.
Now take a look online:
http://www.pem.org/yinyutang/


SPAMfighter Standard is a free tool for Outlook and
Outlook Express that automatically and efficiently filters
spam and phishing fraud.
http://www.spamfighter.com/Default.asp



Test your reflexes
http://www.reflexgame.com/


Are you playing suduko?
http://www.sudukogame.com/
http://www.usaweekend.com/stickdoku/index.html



Need some cuteness today? Try this:
http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/



Digital art as a focus for meditation
http://www.fischer.com.au/zen/


Snack reviews (warning the home page loudly announces
"snacks" so if at work turn sound off) for many favorites
http://snacks.cyberpunks.org/snacks.html


Interesting take on feminism from Maureen Dowd:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/30/magazine/30feminism.html?ei=5070&en=df82e53a48255229&ex=1137214800&pagewanted=print


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ya gots to work with what you gots to work with.
~~ Stevie Wonder

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Those who dance are considered insane by those who
cannot hear the music. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
~~ Oscar Wilde

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Instant gratification takes too long." ~~ Carrie Fisher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

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To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail.
~~ Michael Jordan

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Writings On the Wall

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who
never win and never quit are idiots.

There can't be any life on Mars. They haven't asked the
United States for any money.

When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail.
When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake.

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.

My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and
this is really my wife's personality.

Federal Express had a terrific obstacle to overcome:
They had to convince people that anything with the
word "Federal" in it could be speedy.

Dr. Ruth says women should tell our lovers how to
make love to us. My boyfriend goes nuts if I tell him
how to drive.

After divorce, most men realize that poker isn't the only
game that starts with holding hands and ends with an
astounding financial loss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By following the instructions below, you should have error-
free, long-lasting floppy disks.

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak
out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a
powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stub-
born metallic shavings can be removed with scouring
powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure
the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin
faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the
drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little"
disk drives.

4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.
The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the
intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them
through the xerox machine. If your data is going to
need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into
the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data
will be written on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the
drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result
in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the
red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or
"hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will prob-
ably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access
to the slot.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space,
remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2
minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression)
to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings
with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more
holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simul-
taneous access points to the disk.

9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses,
provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be
sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)


10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents.
The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and
you may end up with data from some other document stuck
in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch
tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped
with an electron microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mujibar wanted his green card so that he could stay in the
USA.The immigration officer said, "Mujibar, you have to
pass all of the tests or you cannot stay in the United States".

Mujibar said, "I am ready".

The officer said, "Use the words yellow, pink and green
in the same sentence".

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "The telephone
goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow,
this is Mujibar".

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works
at a Verizon help desk. I talked to him yesterday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping
floors in a pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way
up to owning a small chain of pizzerias.

Now that he is wealthy he decides to have a huge house
designed and built for him... And it is going to have
everything! One day he is talking to the contractor
and says, "Make a you sure you puta plenty da halo
statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo
statues. One inna every room, even da bathroom."

The contractor assumes his client is very religious and
carefully plans a niche in every room. He even personally
searches for the perfect statue for each niche. Finally,
the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his
new home for the first time.

The contractor points out all the features, and finally the
Italian man says, "But wherea are alluh my halo statues?
I wanna lotsa halo statues!"

The contractor points to the niches and says, "I put a
statue in every room, like you asked."

The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea
da Saintas. I wanna da halo statues! You knowa da halo
statues es? Deya ring anda you picka dem up, anna you
say, 'halo, stat you?'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked
it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll
grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a
spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded
at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall,
attractive blonde woman. During the course of the conver-
sation he says would you like to hear a 'blonde' joke ?

"Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6 feet tall
without heels and I've been training in judo for the past 5
years."

Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My flatmate's
blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall, has been involved in
karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and has been
Southern Counties Ladies' Champion for the past 3
years.

Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde, she
weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional womens'
wrestler, do you still want to tell the joke about a blonde ?"

"Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain it
3 times".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling
for oil in Alaska. This week President Bush visited a
plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean
burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day
will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska "
~~ Tina Fey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ALCOHOL TRIVIA

* Abraham Lincoln observed that "It has long been
recognized that the problems with alcohol elate not to
the use of a bad thing, but to the abuse of a good thing."

* Chicha, an alcohol beverage which has been made for
thousands of years in Central and South America, begins
with people chewing grain and spitting into a vat. An
enzyme in saliva changes starch in the grain to sugar,
which then ferments.

* The U.S. has the strictest youth drinking laws in
Western civilization.

* Many high school cafeterias in Europe serve alcohol to
their students who choose to drink.

* Early recipes for beer included such ingredients as
poppy seeds, mushrooms, aromatics, honey, sugar, bay
leaves, butter and bread crumbs.

* While in some countries the penalty for driving while
intoxicated can be death (yes, death), in Uruguay
intoxication is a legal excuse for having an accident
while driving. "Please believe me officer, I really was
drunk."

* The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas
because it contains a recipe for making beer that can be
used at home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for these:


Redneck security system.....

How To install a Redneck security system:
1-Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used
work boots ---a really big pair.
2-Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of
Guns and Ammo magazine.
3-Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish.
4- Leave a note on your front door that says something
like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more am-
munition - back in a hour. Don't disturb the Pitbulls,
they're mad, they've just been castrated."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for these childrens prayers


1. Dear God, please put another holiday between
Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what
I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for
people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me.
Love Alison

5. Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who
told you?
Charlene

6. Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if
he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of
everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people
in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of
them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking
on water, too.
Glenn

9. Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he
was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does?
Nathan

11. Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that
or was it an accident?
Norma

12. Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

13. Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the
old days and don't do any now?
Billy

14. Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different
summer camp this year.
Peter

15. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each
other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works
out OK with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did
come yet.
What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

17. Dear God, My brother told me about how you are born
but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show
you my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you
just know him through the business?
Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God
than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just
saying that because you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars
in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank

And, saving the best for last . .
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until
I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was
really cool.
Thomas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City,
MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they
put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there
with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip
prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who
had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much
effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since
then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY... There are teachers, and
then there are Educators.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and finally thanks to erin for this one:

One morning on a lake in Wisconsin, the husband returns
after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am.
What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking - isn't that obvious?) .

"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." She
replies

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and
write you up."

"If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads.

It is likely she can also think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates