FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 7

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 7 February 13, 2006

Valentine's Day is Tuesday. If you didn't send your cards
you still have time for ecards (these are free).
http://www.123greetings.com/
http://www.all4love.net/
http://www.regards.com/
http://www.e-cards.com/catalog/cat-selection.pl?cat=Valentines
http://www.funny-ecards.com/cards/valentine/index.html
http://www.care2.com/send/categories
http://www.linkopedia.com/postoffice.html


While looking at card sites I found this power of observation test
http://www.specially4u.net/z/9people.htm

Mardi Gras parades started Saturday so it must be a little
better down in New Orleans now; a sense of humor returned:
http://today.reuters.com/news/newsarticle.aspx?type=domesticNews&storyid=2006-02-12T034921Z_01_N11284772_RTRUKOC_0_US-HURRICANES-MARDIGRAS.xml&rpc=22


A cavalcade of bad bridal fashions
http://www.goingbridal.com/etc/


If you are crafty there are free patterns here:
http://www.findstitch.com/ counted cross stich mostly
http://crochet.about.com/library/blfreecharts.htm crochet
http://beadwork.about.com/mbody.htm Top 10 free beading patterns


Antique telephones museum display
http://www.museumphones.com/


Rock and Roll Hall of Shame - If you dare
http://www.fadetoblack.com/hallofshame/


All the food products featured are real. Most were purchased
in the strange food section of the supermarket, ethnic stores,
or at the dollar store. (My kids go crazy because I buy my
produce at the $.99 store but they have beautiful avacados,
red peppers and tomatoes. I have seen some weird stuff
there too.)
http://kookychow.com/kookychow/

More weird food - this time from the 50s, 60s, and 70's
http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/



Good recipes (they sold me with the Hazelnut Cocoa)
http://www.meals.com/Index/Index.aspx

Really unusual recipes but they sound great
http://www.sundaysupper.com/

Taste of Wisconsin recipes
http://www.globaldialog.com/~tallen/books.html#market



Pretty amusing, check out the other predictors there too.
http://www.jobpredictor.com/


This site recommends music and films based on what
users like already
http://www.liveplasma.com/

This site and more like it can be found
http://picks.yahoo.com/picks/most/2005/
http://uk.dir.yahoo.com/picks/


An obscure database of music used in ads in the UK
http://www.commercialbreaksandbeats.co.uk/index.asp

Goldminer game to play online or download (more levels
if you download it)
http://www.specially4u.net/webgames/gm2.htm

Reminds me of the Jewel Mine game on the American
Idol site from our friend Bert (PS We are all addicted)
http://myidol.idolonfox.com/games/

Another wacky game
http://www.brightongames.com/game.html


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I don't want to say the stones are getting old. But this
is not the first time the Rolling Stones performed at an
event where roman numerals were used." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is
that more people worry than work." ~~ Robert Frost

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The buzz in Washington is Vice President Cheney is
considering running in 2008. Not for president -- just
for exercise." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My definition of an expert in any field is a person who
knows enough about what's really going on to be scared."
~~ PJ Plauger

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
notified in case of emergency. I always write "A very
good doctor."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wisdom from Grandpa

* Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose
egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

* Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so
busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

* Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but
not for good.

* When a man marries a woman, they become one; but
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

* On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the
past - but never the present.

* The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only
when the interest is kept up.

* Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook,
sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's
already used to taking orders.

* Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age, and start bragging about it.

* The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting
in line for.

* When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back
to your youth, remember about Algebra.

* I don't know how I got over the hill without getting
to the top.

* Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfort-
able.

* Old age is when former classmates are so gray and
wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

* If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

[From AndyChaps]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar,
a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. This out
of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking
on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining
so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and
appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently
crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad
the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then
did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel,
and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was
terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve
and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and
began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would
go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely
drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared
at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the
steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the
window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with
fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had
all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran,
into town, into Willmar. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar
and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told
everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when
they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just
some drunk). About half an hour later two guys walked into
the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot
that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director what the criterion was which defined whether
or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said
the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon
or the teacup."

"Actually," said the Director, "A normal person would just
pull the plug." "So tell me, do you want a room an East
view or a West view .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some
People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below
Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second
Mouse Gets The Cheese.

13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some
People Have.

15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of
Payments.

22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise
My Hand.

23 . Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have
Obviously Overlooked Something.

26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The
Wrong Lane.

27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays
Off Now.

28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do
Not Have Film.

29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her
Friends?

30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into
Jet Engines.

32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept
Falling Out.

34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn
Louder.

35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person
Wondering What Happened.

37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We
Would All Fall Off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is an old but still cute one from my files
SAD NEWS....It is with the saddest heart that I must pass
on the following news. Please join me in remembering a
great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury
Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty
Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The
grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered
the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who
never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life
was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very
smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a
crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children,
John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, pass it on
to someone who kneads it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are several reasons not to mess with children - -

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher
was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the
group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at
itwhen you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer,
she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And
there's the teacher, She's dead



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if
I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into
it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

World's Deadliest PC Viruses

Al Gore Virus--Causes PC to just keep counting and
counting

Clinton Virus--Gives PC 7 " hard drive with no memory

Lewinsky Virus--Sucks all memory out of PC then e-mails
everyone to tell them

Bob Dole Virus (aka Viagra Virus)--Makes a new hard drive
out of an old floppy disc

Reagan Virus--Saves your data but forgets where it's stored

Mike Tyson Virus--Quits after 2 bytes

Kevorkian Virus--deletes all old files

Prozac Virus--Totally messes up RAM but your processors
don't care

Lorena Bobbit Virus--Reformats hard drve into a 3.5 floppy
then discards it through Windows

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mike is on vacation this week and no other jokes came
in. Thank goodness for one of my discussion groups that
supplied me with many of the jokes above. Send me those
jokes hanging out in your inbox cuz Mike is going to be
gone next week too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order
the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served
in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve
herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly
sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid
slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks
her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This test only has one question, but it's a very important
one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where
you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely
fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due
consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION: You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with
severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
Youare photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and
you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The
situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-
making photos. There are houses and people swirling
around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature
is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

===============================================

THE TEST: Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is
fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
You suddenly realize who it is. It's George Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are
about to take him under forever. You have two options:
You can save the life of George Bush or you can shoot a
dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
death of one of the world's most powerful men.

THE QUESTION:Here's the question, and please give an
honest answer.......Would you select high contrast color
film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black
and white????????????????????????

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once again, The Washington Post has published the
winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winning definitions are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-
mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted
by proctologists.!

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddishisms

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The
belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof
and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts
worn by Jewish men

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally Redneck Valentines

* Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

* Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

* You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

* You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

* On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.

* Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.

* Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

* Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.

* When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

* And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

* Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

* Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

* I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
It's a new ridin' mower.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates