FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 6

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 6 February 6, 2006

How did you do with the groundhog?
Jimmy (our local groundhog) said early spring but of course
its been majorly cold ever since here (in the teens at night.)


General Beau Lee down in Georgia said early spring too
http://www.yellowrivergameranch.com/
but Puxatawny Phil says six more weeks of winter.


See what all the groundhogs had to say:
http://www.groundhogsday.com/groundhogcentral.php


LOL Las Vegas has a tortoise
http://www.mojavemax.com/MojaveMax_Emergence_info.htm



Are you having a difficult time remembering the complete
lyrics to any given childrens song or lullaby? Sheila was
the one who recommended this site:
http://www.kididdles.com/mouseum/subject.html



Bush and his cronies still trying to politicize science
http://news.com.com/Climate+expert+says+NASA+tried+to+silence+him/2100-11395_3-6032570.html


Speaking of political (even where the bodies are buried)
check out the cool info here:
http://politicalgraveyard.com/index.html

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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

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Wow the new bargin basement of broadband is $12.99 a
month for the first year at ATT but you do have to have
one of their local phone services (starts at $10).
http://news.com.com/AT38T+brings+new+low+to+DSL+prices/2100-1034-6034788.html?part=dht&tag=nl.e433


CNet says these are the coolest new gadgets
http://news.com.com/Up+close+with+the+latest+gadgets/2100-1041_3-6031859.html


But I found this and I think it rocks: a handy portable
mouse that stores in your laptops PC Card slot.
http://www.newtonperipherals.com/Mogo_Products.htm



If you love gadgets have you checked these out yet?
http://www.shelovestech.com/
http://techiediva.blogs.com/
http://www.popgadget.net/
http://wirelessdigest.typepad.com/shinyshiny/
http://chipchick.blogs.com/chip_chick/
http://www.ladylovestech.com/


Ok one or two for the guys too:
http://www.gizmodo.com/
http://www.engadget.com/

More for the real gadget geeks (you know who you are):
http://static.the-gadgeteer.com/gadgetlinks.html

I'm just a sucker at heart I guess but they have cool stuff:
http://www.whateverworks.com/



Sheila, Trixie and Bettie founded GirlPosse in 1998 for
the generation that is past teen and pre AARP. For topics
as far apart as weddings to travel to the kitchen they do
offer a fresh perspective. This site is not totally current so
you should check it out while you still can. If you are young
and hip this may be the site you were looking for:
http://www.girlposse.com/


For Rubber Duck collectors?
http://www.duckplanet.com/index.html


Great recipes here:
http://spaces.msn.com/recipeaddict/



MMMMMMM pulled pork sandwiches, gotta check to
see if I have the ingredients.
http://www.clubpenguin.com/



Best of MSN Spaces
http://spaces.msn.com/whatsyourstoryspaces/



On a more serious note this site will help you find solutions
to your legal issues. What a great bookmark for future
reference. BTW if you don't have a folder named reference
yet this is a great place to start. Mine has subfolders on
health, government, legal, and English (where I keep all
the dictionaries, thesaurus, and other word related stuff.)
http://public.findlaw.com/

Awsome acronyms for the Ebay user but some I haven't
seen before for sure
http://www.angelfire.com/in/jimsac/acronyms.html



This is a site that the younger set seems to like. Has any
one out there tried ths yet: games, chat or furnish your igloo.
http://www.elise.com/recipes/archives/000325pulled_pork_sandwich.php


On to the chuckles:
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

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"If you've followed that "American Idol" scandal, you
know that Corey Clark, that little sleazeball, said Paula
Abdul who was 18 years his senior, gave him money,
bought him clothes, and had sex with him. To which
Cher said, 'Yeah so?'" ~~ Jay Leno

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"Dogmatism is puppyism come to its full growth."
~~ Douglas Jerrold

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"Are you green and growing or ripe and rotting?"
~~ Ray Kroc

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"When birds burp it must taste like bugs." Calvin
(Calvin & Hobbes)

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Random thoughts

There are more cars in Southern California than there
are cows in India.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Wow, I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call
wasn't important to them.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I
am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times,
since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible
tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10
years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I
am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the
BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle
them. This was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door.
Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still
talking as you face this closed door, please turn around,
walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad
to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

~ Mom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Resume blunders:

(From actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine)

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive
experience."

"I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat
progroms"

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institu-
tions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing invest-
ments."

"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
store."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees
get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under
those conditions."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind
me."

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SIGNS THAT DON'T QUITE GIVE THE INTENDED MESSAGE

* On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: "Blackened
bluefish"

* In a Maine restaurant: "Open seven days a week and
weekends."

* On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "38
years on the same spot."

* On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and
tired of the Episcopal Church"

* Outside a country shop in West Virginia: "We buy junk
and sell antiques."

* In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's
wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

* A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago:
"Do not activate with wet hands."

* In a New York restaurant: "Customers who find our wait-
resses rude ought to see the manager."

* In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: "Ask about
our plans for owning your home."

* In downtown Boston: "Callahan Tunnel - NO END"

* On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign
is under water, this road is impassable."

* On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: "No
trespassing without permission."

* In a New York medical building: "Mental Health
Prevention Center"

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The following are different answers given by elementary
school age children to each of the given questions:

How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married
him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does
he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year?
Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my
mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap
on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking
bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads
such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do
than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got
to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real
power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep
over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Some-
times moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss
my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the
dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think
some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would
it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.

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Remember President Bush's trip to England a couple of
months ago? Seems the Brits were a little upset with Dubya.
In fact, in a speech the mayor of London described Bush as
"the greatest threat to life on this planet."

After hearing this President Bush said, "That's ridiculous.
What about Godzilla?" ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember one time being outside a topless bar watching
a demonstration by feminists. They were marching around,
holding signs, and chanting, "FREE WOMEN! FREE WOMEN!"

As I went into the bar I asked one lady, "Do you deliver?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:


WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
BY Monday, January 9th, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY
LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE
LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
--- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks,
Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2The Toilet Paper Roll -
-- Does It Change Itself?Round Table Discussion. Meets 2
weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting
The Seat andAvoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
--- Group Practice.Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM
for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper
and The Floor ---Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes
--- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity
--- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help
Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things
--- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not
Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8
Health Watch
--- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM
for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
--- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM
Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She
Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live
--- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy
--- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other
Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies
Offered.Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at
7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven
--- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mike sent this Breaking News from
http://borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=1306&srch=

BUSH'S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TO BE
SIMULCAST IN ENGLISH

President Hopes to Reach Broader Audience, Aides Say

For the first time since he was elected President of the
United States, George W. Bush's State of the Union address
tonight will be simulcast in English, the White House confirmed.

With the president's approval ratings sagging, the decision
to simulcast the speech in English was widely seen as an
attempt by the president to make an appeal to a broader
audience.

"The majority of people in this country are English speaking,
and quite frankly, we can't afford to ignore them any longer,"
one senior aide said. "Hopefully, by doing the English simulcast,
we'll be reaching out to a lot of those folks."

Once the decision was made earlier in the month to launch
the historic first English simulcast of a speech by President
Bush, then began the hard work of translating the text of the
address from Mr. Bush's language into English.

Davis Logsdon, a professor of linguistics at the University of
Minnesota, was one of several scholars approached to do the
translation who ultimately quit in frustration.

"The problem is that the language the president speaks, by
most measures, is not a language at all," Professor Logsdon
said.

Still, the White House remains guardedly optimistic about
tonight's simulcast, and aides said that if all goes as planned
they might soon offer English simulcasts of press briefings
by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

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If you are easily offended you may not enjoy this one
from Mike about that Texas drawl but I can resist so
scroll down if you choose to this line
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After the southern tourist had been served in a Las Vegas
cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said
quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah
persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!"
gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled
and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's
pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away
up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat
down by his drink and the waitress asked, "Will there be
anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure
'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and
right neighbourly, but where ah come from in East Texas,
we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble
y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first computer

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . . . .

you just hoped nobody ever found out!

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Thanks to my sister for this one:

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just
awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand
and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead.

"The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're
both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes
you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates