FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 11

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 11 March 13, 2006

Both Blogger (where I store Fun on the Web both while
I am creating and in an archive) and Charter (my ISP and
the email I use to send this are acting up so this will be late
in the day and may well be short. It depends on how many
times I have to restart my computer.


Good news! Fats Domino Alive and Kicking
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/02/25/eveningnews/main1346150.shtml



Ladies please read about this rare form of breast cancer
http://www.snopes.com/medical/disease/paget.asp


SXSW gearing up for Music and Techies
http://news.com.com/Techies+get+set+for+Austins+South+by+Southwest/2100-1025-6048093.html?part=dht&tag=nl.e703


How do you play the blues in 2006?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/filmandmusic/story/0,,1721574,00.html


This seems appropriate this week: The Omnificent English
Dictionary In Limerick Form with 24,000+
http://www.oedilf.com/db/Lim.php?Word=blues


A blues dictionary: The AKA Blues Connection
http://www.geocities.com/blueskat2000/dictionary.htm

Or more words from Harry's Blues Lyrics Online
http://blueslyrics.tripod.com/blueslanguage.htm




Yummy cookies for Purim on my recipe blog
http://bluesbabys-rants.blogspot.com/2006/03/hamentaschen-for-purim.html



This is interesting: the 11 Most Endangered Places
http://www.nationaltrust.org/11Most/index.html


Critical fixes for Microsoft Office tomorrow
http://news.com.com/Microsoft+to+patch+Office,+Windows+flaws/2100-1002_3-6048003.html



Photos for the gadget geeks
http://news.com.com/Week+in+pictures+Gadget+heaven/2009-1040_3-6046343.html



News from the folks at Lego
http://news.com.com/Lego+robot+builders+unite/2100-1041_3-6046888.html
http://news.com.com/Lego+addicts+chase+their+dream/2100-1043_3-6048303.html

The pics to prove it
http://news.com.com/2300-1043_3-6048330-1.html


Thanks to Mike for these songs the year you were born
http://www.joshhosler.biz/NumberOneInHistory/SelectMonth.htm


Thanks to Peg for this game site from Nabisco
http://www.nabiscoworld.com/games/

Great games here
http://www.delphiforums.com/games/
http://www.sandlotgames.com/w4/



If a trip to Italy or for any reason you need a few Italian
phrases this is a great site

http://www.tiscali.co.uk/reference/phrases/italian/


Thanks to Davi for this funny site!
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/MSR2.htm

My sister sent this boredom buster
http://www.momready.com/articles/index.asp?Category=Boredom_Busters
"The next time your kids are climbing the walls with
"nothing to do" send them over to the window for a new
view...one they'll create themselves. Pop up pictures of
famous stained glass windows on your computer (see links
below), for your kids to see and then encourage them to
create their own works of art using Crayola Window
Markers."

"Used like a regular marker, your windows become a new
surface to highlight your child's artistic talents. Not only
for creating masterpieces, kids of all ages and can dress
up a window for the holidays (our windows were recently
covered in hearts for Valentine's Day) or can depict any
scene, character or message. Suggest your kids draw a
story or cartoon. Or turn up some music and have them
draw to the beat.These markers come in different widths
and colors sets, but the wide markers show up the best.
Make sure all caps are on securely when the kids are
finished because they will dry out quickly."

"Clean up is a breeze, just a little windex and it's gone...
time for another masterpiece. If only Notre Dame had
been created this easily."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Notre_Dame_de_Paris_rose_window_view_from_inside.jpg
http://www.metmuseum.org/explore/Tiffany/listsgw.htm
http://www.metmuseum.org/Works_of_Art/viewOne.asp?dep=7&viewmode=0&item=1980.263.4
http://www.nbm.org/Exhibits/past/2000_1996/Windows_Page.html

The Straight Dope on why we "corn" beef from Sheila http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mcornedbeef.html

MMM mmm Good recipes
http://www.mamashealth.com/recipe/veggie/

Mike sent this interesting site about your birthday
http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

About St Patricks Day from the Celtic Path
http://www.geocities.com/carrienjerry2002/StPatPage.html

Irish Coffee - The Original
Irish Coffee is indeed Irish. The Port of Foynes, which is
located in County Limerick, was a major hub for for air
traffic between the United States and Europe during the
30's and 40's. Travel was by Flying Boats.

One flight that took off in 1943, encountered some really
bad weather and turned back. The weather was equally
as nasty upon their return and the passengers headed
towards the terminal restaurant. Realizing how miserable
these passengers were, Chef Joe Sheridan grabbed a
bottle of Irish and prepared the comforting drinks.

Legend has it that one of the passengers asked, "is this
Brazilian coffee?", to which Sheridan answered, "No,
that's Irish Coffee."

The Buena Vista in San Francisco helped to bring this
renowned drink to the States in 1952. Owner, Jack
Koeppler, made his way to Ireland to learn the secrets
of Irish Coffee from the horses mouth; Joe Sheridan.
Thank you Jack! Today, the original drink can be had
at Shannon Airport in the Joe Sheridan Cafe Bar, where
a plaque honors the creator.

The Foynes Flying Boat Museum holds an Irish Coffee
Festival every year in August. It includes a parade, music,
a carnival, and The World Irish Coffee Championship.

Original Irish Coffee Recipe
1 jigger of Irish Whiskey
2 teaspoons of Sugar
Fresh Hot Coffee
Fresh Cream

Rinse your glass with boiling water, so it is good and hot
to start with. Add your Whiskey, Sugar & Coffee. Stir.

Using the back of a spoon, slowly pour the cream so it sets
on top of the mixture. Do not stir the cream into the coffee.
Traditionally, this is best sipped through the cream. The
fresher the cream you can buy, the better, too.

Irish Coffee has become Americanized, and mostly to look
more Irish. Lots of places will serve it with canned whipped
cream and drizzle Green Creme de Menthe over it. It looks
pretty, but it isn't authentic.

Nor does it enhance a good Irish whiskey!

Irish Coffee - Americanized
1 1/4 oz. Irish Whiskey
1/2 oz. Kahlua, Coffee
Whipped Cream
Green Creme de Menthe

Pour coffee over Irish whiskey & Kahlua
Top with whipped cream
Dribble Green Creme de Menthe over whipped cream.
Top with a cherry.



CBS Sports will offer out-of-market basketball games for
free online during NCAA March Madness. It's the fourth
year that CBS Sports will offer the mostly regional games-
-ones that wouldn't appear across the whole network.

Beginning with the first games March 16, there will be up
to 56 NCAA men's tournament games available on the
Web through the regional semi-finals. For the first three
years, including last year, it was a premium service through
the college sports site CSTV.com. This year, CBS has shifted
NCAA March Madness on Demand
http://www.ncaasports.com/mmod
to an ad-supported service in an effort to gain more viewers.

The move is in line with CBS' online strategy in news and
elsewhere. "We felt it was time to continue the evolution to
an ad-supported free model that will be the biggest growth
down the road," said Michael Aresco, senior vice president
of programming at CBS Sports.

In addition to the games, there will be streaming video
available of news conferences before and after the games,
as well as interviews with players and coaches. Games in
the Web viewer's local markets will be blacked out, much
as the NCAA tournament coverage. "What we're looking to
do is create as many platforms for our content as possible
as long as we don't see any significant erosion to CBS Sports,"
Aresco said. CBS Digital Media chief Larry Kramer said that
the announcement was indicative of what's happening in the
media industry and the maturing of broadband. "It's a major
step for us…This is a mass-market moment for the Internet
and for us," Kramer said.

Web sites involved include NCAAsports.com, which is the
NCAA official site that is produced by CBS SportsLine.com.
There also will be tie-ins with CSTV.com.
Story Copyright © 2005 Reuters Limited.
All rights reserved.



Saw this in my eBay Group "Blast From the Past"
From "The Best Baby Name Book in the Whole Wild World"
by Bruce Lansky"Ann Landers wrote about a couple who
has six children, all named Eugene Jerome Dupuis, Junior.
The children answer to One, Two, Three, Four, Five, and
Six, respectively!" Tonsilitis Jackson has brothers and
sisters named Meningitis, Appendicitis, and Peritonitis."
"A couple in Louisiana named their children after colleges:
Stanford, Duke, T'Lane, Harvard, Princeton, Auburn and
Cornell. The parents' names? Stanford, Sr., and Loyola."

"In 1979, the Pennsylvania Health Department discovered
these two first names among the 159,000 birth certificates
issued in the state that year - Pepsi and Cola."

"Zachary Zzzzra has been listed in the Guinness Book of
World Records as making 'the most determined attempt
to be the last personal name in a local telephone directory'
in San Francisco."

"One family which was not terribly successful in limiting
its expansion has a series of children called, respectively,
Finis, Addenda, Appendix, Supplement and Errata.

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of school, my parents would send a note
with me for the teacher that read: "The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There should be some things we don't name, just so we can
sit around all day and wonder what they are.
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If the police never find it, is it still a clue?"
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"According to a new poll, only one in four Americans can
name two of the five freedoms guaranteed by the First
Amendment. But more than half of Americans can name
at least two of the characters on The Simpsons. Hey, if
they ran the Constitution on TV eight times a day, we'd
know it." ~~ Jimmy Kimmel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now
suing a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were
birth control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches.
The good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack
a day." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Random Thoughts

On the bags of miniature candy bars it says, 'Fun Size.'
Does this mean that the regular size bars are no fun?

Why aren't they called bakies instead of cookies?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Why do mothers always say that their child cannot play
until their room is clean? What will the room look like
after the child plays?

How come we as children will fight tooth and nail not to
have a nap only to find ourselves as adults wishing with
all of our hearts that we could?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to forgive each other as
quickly and effortlessly as children forgive each other?

Didn't the guy who laughs last had to have it explained
to him?

Isn't it better by far that you forget and smile rather
than remember and be sad?

Why would there be a key to happiness? Isn’t the door
always open?

Where do socks go when they get lost in the dryer?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you
kept drying your clothes, would they eventually just
disappear?

Do Clothing manufacturers really expect us to run a
whole wash for each item marked 'wash separately'?

Why do clothes dryers have buzzers that go off when
the drying cycle is done, but you just have to guess
for the washing machine?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Email Fun and Games
I teach a class at a university in which the students have to e-mail
their assignments. Despite the fact that the e-mail address is printed
about three times in the course handbook and I repeated it 20 or so
times and wrote it on the board, one student wanted to know why her
e-mailed assignment kept being returned with error messages. The
reason? Instead of the proper e-mail address, in the "To" field, she
had: "Any teacher for LL101."

---

I was teaching a friend of mine how to use e-mail for the first time.
After going through a scrutinizing 30 minutes of basic concepts of
e-mail in comparison to the real post office mail and answering her
novice questions, we decided it was time for her to get her feet wet.

I had already signed her up for a free Web based e-mail account. She
logged in with her username and password, took her time to compose a
message and sent it successfully to her sister with such pride in her
eyes.

Me: "Good job! That wasn't so hard, was it"?
Her: "No."
Me: (smiles)
Her: (stares at the monitor)
Me: "What are you doing"?
Her: "Just a sec." (stares some more)
Me: "Are you looking for something on the screen"?
Her: "Yeah, I am waiting for a reply!"

---

Friend: "Did you get the e-mail I sent about my sound card"?
Me: "Nope, haven't seen it yet. When did you send it"?
Friend: "Sent it this morning, you should have it by now."
Me: "Let me check again. Hmmm. Nothing."
Friend: "Oh, duh! It's President's Day. It probably won't
get delivered today."
Me: (stifling laughter) "Oh yeah, that must be it. Just to
be sure I get it, send it again to my other address."

---

Customer: "I can't get my e-mail."
Tech Support: "Ok. Can you surf the Web"?
Customer: "What"?
Tech Support: "I just want to know if you can visit any Web
sites. That will tell me if you're connected."
Customer: "What are Web sites? I just use this to download
my e-mail."

This guy was paying $40 per month for high-speed cable
Internet access, and all he could do was send e-mail.

---

Tech Support: "No problem. I can show you that later. Right
now I need you to start your e-mail program."
Customer: "Aren't you listening? It's already started. I
just can't get any e-mail."
Tech Support: "Can you click the send and receive button
for me"?
Customer: "I did that and nothing happens! I told you that!"
Tech Support: "All right, sir. We'll just take a look at
your preferences."

Ten minutes later I finally finished walking him through his
account settings in Outlook Express.

Customer: "You screwed something up! Now it keeps giving me
an error message!"
Tech Support: "Ok, what does the message say"?
Customer: "It says YOU entered an invalid e-mail address."
Tech Support: "Let's go back to the 'General' tab and double
check your address." Customer: "It says xxxx-at-home-period
thingy.com."
Tech Support: "Can you read it to me letter by letter"?
Customer: (growling) "It says x-x-x-x-a-t-h-o-m-e--"
Tech Support: "Ok, let's stop right there. I want you to type
'xxxx,' then the '@' symbol, not the word 'at'."
Customer: "What the are you talking about"?
Tech Support: "Have you got the 'xxxx' part done"?
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Then I want you to hold the Shift key and hit
the number '2' key."
Customer: "At the same time? Are you trying to break it"?
Tech Support: "Trust me, sir, this will work."

After we finished with that, he got even more upset because he
didn't have any e-mail to receive.

---

Customer: "I tried sending e-mail to 1.404.123.4567 but the
e-mailer wouldn't let me."
Tech Support: "Um, that's a telephone number."

---

One of our servers crashed and I was watching our new system
administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and
needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He
started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key
for that line thing"?

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know,
that one that looks like an upside down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'"? and he said, "Yeah,
that's it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Floppy Disk Fun
By following the instructions below, you should have error-
free, long-lasting floppy disks.

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can
leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the
drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil
holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a
powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn
metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and
soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is
even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting
in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the
drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little"
disk drives.

4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.
The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the
intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through
the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be
backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written
on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the
drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could
result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally
the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung"
or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will
probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed
access to the slot.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space,
remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2
minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression)
to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings
with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes
in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous
access points to the disk.

9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses,
provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure
to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents.
The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and
you may end up with data from some other document stuck in
the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape
may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with
an electron microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doggie Dictionary

Bath: This is a process by which mom and dad drench the
floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking
vigorously and frequently.

Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines invented for
dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit,
you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and
run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and
falls into the bushes and you prance away.

Bump: The best way to get your mom and dad's attention
when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Deafness: This is an affliction which affects dogs when
their mom or dad want them in and they want to stay out.
Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction or lying down.

Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread
in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living
room.

Drool: What you do when your mom and dad have food and
you don't. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you
can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor. Or better
yet, on their laps.

Garbage Can: A container where mom and dad put food they
don't want to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your
hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do
it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred,
beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

Goose bump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the
regular bump doesn't get the attention you require. Especially
effective when combined with the sniff. See above.

Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!"
Especially if your mom and dad are dressed for an evening
out. This is incredibly effective before black tie events.

Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to
lead your mom and dad where you want him/her to go.

Love: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and
without restriction. The best way you can show your love
is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you
in return.

Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.
Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear
end and inhale deeply. Repeat several times or until your
person makes you stop.

Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating,
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and
wipe your whiskers clean.

Thunder:This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Mom and dad remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms,
so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following
their every move.

Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes
and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the
basket and strew the papers all over the house until your
mom and dad come home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Church Bloopers

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the
way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national prayer
and fasting conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting
and Prayer Conference includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The
sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at
8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill
Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to
get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone
who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off, let the church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday, there will be try outs for the choir. They
need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for
more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and
requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell"? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. Prayer and medication
to follow.

23. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 p.m., there will be a hymn sing in the
park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
the B.S. is done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m.
Please use the back door.

28. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday, "I Upped My Pledge! Up Yours!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:


Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass
snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Cocoa Beach had a lot of potted plants, and
during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing in a lot
of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It
turned out that a little green garden grass snake was
hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it
slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was
taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see
what the problem was. She told him there was a snake
under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and
knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him
in the butt. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he
fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she
called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher
and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa
and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped
his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg
and why he was in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so
she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the
snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and
began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat
down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled
in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling
around.

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the
sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed
out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping
sees her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of
canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a
point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called and it was determined that
the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw
her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over
him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She
went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey,
and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious
man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken
fight had occurred.

They were about to arrest them all, when the two women
tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor
and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out
from under the couch, one of the policemen drew his gun
and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the
end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell
over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke,
it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell
through the window into the yard on top of the family dog,
who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street,
where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed
into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile
the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire
house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving
fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were half-
way down the street. The rising ladder tore out the over-
head wires and put out the electricity and disconnected
the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
-----------------
Time passed
-----------------
Both men were discharged from the hospital, The house
was rebuilt, The police acquired a new car, and all was
right with their world
-------
About a year later they were watching TV and a weather-
man announced a cold snap for that night. The husband
asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their
plants for the night.

She shot him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Comments

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to
help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't
thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering
crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale
to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the
way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/
her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The
niece drove wildly to get him to the Emergency Room. After what
seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing
his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your
uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."


"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks
with shock......

"We've never had a Republican in the family before!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Thanks to Amanda for this one:

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all
other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football
5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking
about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall
doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.. (KEEP READING)
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girl-
friend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program
files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving
the situation. I suggest installing the background application
"Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best
course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs,
such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve
the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not
supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates