FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 12

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 12 March 21, 2006

Yesterday was server problems and something here on
Blogger was wrong too, so I finally gave up. So it's Tuesday
Fun On The Web this week.


Finally the Supreme Court stepped up to the plate in
support of the environment.
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/03/17/D8GDMHCO0.html


Miramax prop auction underway, many items sold but
still more out there:
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZpremiereprops5QQhtZ-1


If you love the wacky eBay auctions try these sites:
http://buyweird.com/
http://www.junkeemonkee.com/
http://auctionswatchers.com/
http://www.dumbauctions.com/
http://www.strangebids.com/
http://www.wayoutauctions.com/
http://www.whattheheck.com/ebay/
http://www.whowouldbuythat.com/
http://weird-cool-auctions.com/

<<<<<<<<(((((((({{{{{{{{@}}}}}}}}))))))))>>>>>>>>

I'm sure there are a zillion more, but now it's time to get
to my eBay store to check out the new jewelry, vintage
Avon, collectibles, and kids gift items there! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

<<<<<<<<(((((((({{{{{{{{@}}}}}}}}))))))))>>>>>>>>


Kinderstart is a search engine dedicated to all things
related to kid's education, health and development -
check it out!
http://www.speechteach.co.uk/p_resource/parent/kinderstart.htm


Over the years I have used a lot of different search engines
and we all have our favorites but sometimes you need more
so keep a few of these in your bookmarks for when you want
to keep searching for something online.
http://www.noodletools.com/debbie/literacies/information/5locate/adviceengine.html
http://www.gahooyoogle.com/
http://www.dogpile.com/
http://www.alltheweb.com/advanced
http://www.ask.com/#subject:askpg:1
http://www.snap.com/index.php


Wisconsin Symbols
http://www.legis.state.wi.us/senate/scc/kids/facts.htm


Bookmark for converting time zones
http://www.timezoneconverter.com/



From FoxNews
Dion DiMucci, known simply as Dion, is a seminal character
in the history of rock 'n' roll. Now Razor & Tie Records has
picked up his blues album, "Bronx in Blue," for release. If
you're under 40 and have no idea who Dion is, he's the man
who gave us "The Wanderer" and "Runaround Sue." Young
New Yorkers couldn't know this, since CBS/Infinity stupidly
and cruelly shut down WCBS FM. But Los Angelenos still
have K-Earth 101 FM, thank goodness...


Another Bluesman passes, this one the creator of Mali
Blues from Africa and he had just won his second Grammy
this year in the traditional world music album category
for “In the Heart of the Moon”.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4792452.stm
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/11748515/


Women's History Month
http://www.gale.com/free_resources/whm/


Did the 2006 Bloggies announce yet?
check here:
http://2006.bloggies.com/


Some of the contenders for Best (fill in the blank). They are
not all here because I have featured many of them in a
previous issue of Fun on the Web.
http://www.random-good-stuff.com/
http://www.yarnharlot.ca/blog/
http://www.notmartha.org/
http://www.treehugger.com/
http://www.domesticgoddess.ca/
http://www.makezine.com/blog/
http://johnsthing.blogspot.com/

I don't know why its funny, it just is (apologies to those
who don't think so)
http://youcantmakeitup.blogspot.com/2006/02/block-stock-and-barrel.html


Women who Blog
http://blogher.org/


Blogs at the 100 largest newspapers
http://journalism.nyu.edu/pubzone/blueplate/issue1/top100.html


World Wind lets you zoom from satellite altitude into any
place on Earth. Leveraging Landsat satellite imagery and
Shuttle Radar Topography Mission data, World Wind lets
you experience Earth terrain in visually rich 3D, just as if
you were really there.
http://worldwind.arc.nasa.gov/



Free Beauty Tips Articles
http://beauty-tips-free.com/sitemap2.php



Handy biorhythm calculator
http://www.bio-chart.com/



Do you like Sauerkraut? Recipes here from Franks:
http://www.sauerkrautrecipes.com/



Play games online at NBC
http://www.nbc.com/Games/

More free games
http://www.gamesloth.com/
http://www.freegamesjungle.com/
http://totallyfunfreegames.com/Destination/CategoryPage.aspx?tag=Free.Games

Wisconsin Games
http://www.legis.state.wi.us/senate/scc/kids/newpage1.htm


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it
would have taken the fire department four days to put
it out. ~~ Dolly Parton

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
~~ Gloria Steinem

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes
by chance." ~~ William Shakespeare

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Reality is whatever refuses to go away when I stop
believing in it." ~~ Philip K. Dick

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God may have created man before woman, but there is
always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?
I don't know and I don't care. ~~ William Safire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clues That You Might Be A Geek

You tend to save power cords from broken appliances.

You once took the back off your TV just to see what's
inside.

You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something
other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

You rotate your screen savers more often than your
automobile tires.


Your I.Q. is a higher number than your weight.

Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you explain
atmospheric absorption theory to him.

You ran the sound system at your senior prom.

Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.

You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your
own handwriting.

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

You own a slide rule, and you know how to use it.

You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.

You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine,
but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.

People groan at the party when you pick out the music.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
controllers.

You think that people around you are yawning because
they don't get enough sleep.

You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...
and your kid in the overhead compartment.

You've tried to repair a $5 radio

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and
chocolate.

You know what "http" stands for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Universal Laws of Computing

For every function, there is an equal and opposite
malfunction.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though
you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand
your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of
the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

To err is human... to blame your computer for your
mistakes is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found
to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just
fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer
solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do,
but rarely what you want it to do.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had
gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake
over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half
of it at dinner.


The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to
another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman
went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of will-
power, and how she knew her husband would be
disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her
husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake
and ate half!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the wise company president learned that his
employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis
during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch
hour, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers
to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde is complaining to her friend about the bad day
she'd had at work. Her boss had suffered a heart attack
and died.

Her friend said, "How horrible! What did you do?"

The blonde shook her head. "There was nothing I could do.
He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me
the rest of the numbers..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four women were driving across the country. Each one
was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and
New York.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started
pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the
window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just
sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears
of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just
sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and
pushed the New Yorker out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these:

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing
squad in a small Central American country.

Bill Clinton is first placed against the wall and just
before the order to shoot him is given, he yells,
"Earthquake!"

The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over
the wall to escape in the confusion.

Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall. The
squad is reassembled and Al ponders what his old boss
has done.

Before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, "Tornado!"
Again the squad falls apart and Al slips over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the
wall. He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just
scream out a disaster and hop over the wall."

As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles are
raised in his direction, he smirks and yells, "Fire!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

23rd Qualm

Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.

He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.

He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.

He restoreth my fears.

He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace
for his ego's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution
and war, I will find no exit, for thou art in office.

Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they
discomfort me.

Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence
of thy religion.

Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.

My health insurance runneth out.

Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow
me all the days of thy term.

And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it
down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says
the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't
stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy
between sobs. "I can't do anything right.

I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my
boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen
and I have no insurance.

I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered
my wallet was still in the cab!

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put
an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
damn poison."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today Is National Mental Health day! You can do your
bit by remembering to send an e-mail to an unstable
friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete
Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later
discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested
trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning
press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed
that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious
al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes
go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They
use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselvesas 'unknowns,' but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer
Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every
triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine
that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs,
who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.
Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere
of influence.

Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root,
make our point, and draw the line." The President warned,
"These weapons of math instruction have the potential to
decimal everything in their math on ascalene never before
seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and
begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader
would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is
uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days
are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Adrea for these:
You may not know this but many non-living things have
a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a
while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc
if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-
inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course,
there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable
and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be
male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know
the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz
Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates