FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 14

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 14 April 3, 2006


Great article recommended by Sheila on Guitar Slingers
and their Axes from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=410555



Sheila also sent this site with great dried fruits, seeds,
nuts, and other snack and baking items in bulk
http://www.bulkfoods.com/


Mike sent this with the comment that he just knew it!
http://www.bushislord.com/



Pretty cute from Erin a live action Simpson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49IDp76kjPw

Really amazing juggling video sent by Mike
(4.5 minutes with music if you are at work)
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4776181634656145640

Rare music video of Son House sent by Mike
http://www.youtube.com/w/Son-House---Death-Letter-Blues?v=ODEberbcfTw&search=son%20house


Brand New on Youtube "Cookie Blues"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=OFZQ976Hz7c

Did you get fooled on April 1st?

Here are some Famous April Fool's Day Hoaxes
The Taco Liberty Bell
In 1996, the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it
had bought the Liberty Bell from the federal government
and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of
outraged citizens called up the National Historic Park
in Philadelphia where the bell is housed to express
their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco
Bell revealed that it was all a practical joke a few
hours later.

The best line inspired by the affair came when White
House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the
sale, and he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had
also been sold, though to a different corporation, and
would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

Instant Color TV
In 1962, there was only one TV channel in Sweden and
it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical
expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce
that thanks to a newly developed technology, all viewers
could now quickly and easily convert their existing sets
to display color reception. All they had to do was pull
a nylon stocking over their TV screen and they would
begin to see their favorite shows in color. Stensson then
proceeded to demonstrate the process. Reportedly, hundreds
of thousands of people, out of the population of seven
million, were taken in. Actual color TV transmission only
commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.

San Serriffe
In 1977, the British newspaper, The Guardian,
published a special seven page supplement in honor
of the tenth anniversary of San Serriffe, a small
republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of
several semi-colon-shaped islands.

A series of articles affectionately described the
geography and culture of this obscure nation. Its two
main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse.
Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica.
The Guardian's phones rang all day as readers sought
more information about the idyllic holiday spot. Few
noticed that everything about the island was named
after printer's terminology. The success of this hoax
is widely credited with launching the enthusiasm for
April Foolery that then gripped the British tabloids
in the following decades.

Nixon for President
In 1992, National Public Radio's Talk of the Nation
program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise
move, was running for president again. His new campaign
slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong and I won't do
it again." Accompanying this announcement were audio
clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech.

Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement,
flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage.
Only during the second half of the show did the host John
Hockenberry reveal that the announcement was a practical
joke. Nixon's voice was impersonated by comedian Rich
Little.

The Left Handed Whopper
In 1998, Burger King published a full page advertisement
in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item
to their menu: a "Left Handed Whopper" specially designed
for the 32 million left handed Americans. According to
the advertisement, the new whopper included the same
ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato,
hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were
rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left handed
customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow
up release revealing that although the Left Handed Whopper
was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone in to request
the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press
release, "many others requested their own 'right handed'
version."


UFO Lands in London
On March 31, 1989, thousands of motorists driving on
the highway outside London looked up in the air to see
a glowing craft float through the air. The saucer finally
landed in a field on the outskirts of London where local
residents immediately called the police to warn them of
an alien invasion. Soon the police arrived on the scene
and one brave officer approached the craft with his
truncheon extended before him. When a door in the craft
popped open and a small, silver-suited figure emerged,
the policeman ran in the opposite direction. The saucer
turned out to be a hot air balloon that had been specially
built to look like a UFO by Richard Branson, the 36-year-
old chairman of Virgin Records. The stunt combined his
passion for ballooning with his love of pranks. His plan
was to land the craft in London's Hyde Park on April 1.
Unfortunately, the wind blew him off course and he was
forced to land a day early in the wrong location.

Whistling Carrots
In 2002, the British supermarket chain Tesco published
an advertisement in The Sun announcing the successful
development of a genetically modified 'whistling carrot.'
The ad explained that the carrots had been specially
engineered to grow with tapered airholes in their side.
When fully cooked, these airholes caused the vegetable
to whistle.

More for April Fool
http://www.theexplodingwhale.com/


Do you believe in the Loch Ness Monster?
http://www.lochness.co.uk/livecam/index.html



What do you think about artificial intelligence? Chat with
an artificial intelligence bot here:
http://www.alicebot.org/



I am constantly seeking online storage so was glad to
find this that you could use to backup important files
http://www.content-type.com/


Royal Scandals
http://royalscandals.com/read.htm

Is your screen dirty? Clean it up here:
http://www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com/
It's safe, I promise. No viruses or anything like that.



What can I say too much time + internet=
http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com/



Sick of trying to remember passwords? Here is a
freebie but I haven't tried it out.
http://www.roboform.com/index.html

Personally I recommend an address book you can add
pages to as the best answer for that. Then you can make
a short list for travel and when you get home just pop it
back in the book. All safe in one place!

American Idol added some new games but I am still
hooked on Jewel Miner
http://myidol.idolonfox.com/games/


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There was a total eclipse of the sun today. President
Bush said that the eclipse proves the unreliability of
solar power." ~~ Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores?
They are pale skinny people who look half-dead. In a
steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying,
of course, but they look terrific." ~~ Bill Cosby

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you hear about this? According to a recent poll,
three out of five Americans believe George W. Bush
should be impeached. And when he heard that, the
president said, 'Cool, I love peaches.'"
~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Today President Bush personally swore in 30 immigrants
becoming American citizens. There was one awkward
moment when President Bush said, 'You may kiss the bride.'"
~~ Conan O-Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat
of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President
Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes
what a great job he's being doing." ~~ Jon Stewart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The good news, congress is cracking down on illegal im-
migration. The bad news, a head of lettuce will not cost
three hundred dollars." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"[Bush] is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm
Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to disarm
Cheney." ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts to Ponder

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts,
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the
other penny? Or do you get change?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money
called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just
stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist
but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My daughter was doing a project on 70's rock groups,
and she asked me to name 2 of them.

"Yes!" I said.

"Who?" she asked.

"There you go," I answered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a little boy's parents overheard this prayer...
"Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's
test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test
I have to take."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More Words to Remember

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline

Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a
flat stomach

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie

Lymph, (v.), to walk with a lisp

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
by a proctologist immediately before he examines you

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer
shorts

Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died
in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola
bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of
holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my
daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make
it a salt shaker or something.

I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing
board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have
steam irons. Man, I am old

How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to
get his message across to his congregation: "It's so
beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven
doesn't interest them."

"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't
scare them."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Top Ten Things That Upset Your Dog
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU
IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know
why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!
Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of
the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing
yet.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello ? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we
both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know
who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop
do you ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

etiquette according to Men

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may
be legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When his date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you
must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his
sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry
her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a
guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum
waiting time is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to
wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she
scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's
fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature
is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday
present for another man. In fact, even remembering
your buddies birthday is optional.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a
sporting event, you may always ask the score of
the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only
when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's
delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.


Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you
didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must
be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge
of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as
the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences
over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was
you who secretly threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last
slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are
on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line,
etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible
nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep
a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was
formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken
rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to do it again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Microsoft Made Cars

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If
GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving 25 dollar cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating the following, "If GM had developed technology
like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following
characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice
a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you
would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no
reason and you would accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart,
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was more reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy
to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure'? before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of
the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a
deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM sub-
sidiary), even though they neither need them nor want
them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or
more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers
would have to learn how to drive all over again because
none of the controls would operate in the same manner
as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Naturally, we wondered what effects technology might have on other
helping-hand groups and services. We came up with these potential
techno-centric charities and service organizations:

10. Screenpeace: Radical demonstrators chain themselves to servers
and hubs in their struggle to keep the World Wide Web a clean place
to surf.

9. Make a Disc Foundation: Make a last wish come true for the New
Kids on the Block and Milli Vanilli by burning bootleg copies of
their albums...please.

8. UNIXEF: Each Halloween, trick-or-treaters collect coins to buy
Unix boxes for starving children.

7. Palms Across America: Palm tried to beam a message of peace across
the U.S., but got an error message: Beam interrupted, connection lost.

6. Digital Guide Dogs for the Blind: Provides visually impaired
individuals with Sony SeeingAibos.

5. PETOA: Tired of getting kicked around, Clippy becomes the poster
boy for People for the Ethical Treatment of Office Assistants.

4. Easter Egg Seals: This persistent charity hides holiday- themed
animated GIFs in Office XP; you must donate at least $10 to get rid
of them.

3. MS Foundation Telethon: "If you want to keep Microsoft in one
piece, keep those donations coming, folks."

2. Broadband Aid: Sir Bob Geldof organizes an all-star sing-along to
benefit the current and former employees of North Point, Covad, and
WinFire.

1. Ronald iMacDonald House: Provides refuge for terminally ill
computers, including the G4 Cube, the PC/Jr, and the Apple Newton.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat
as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the
feature was about to start, a baby boomer from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta
hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her
and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have
done this a little earlier"?

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell
Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and
mine is out in the car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Ann for these lawyer jokes:

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future
lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to
sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read
the paper?

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with
a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one:
Irish poker


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's
apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single
hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys,
someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a
bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll
ever meet.Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on
the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and
is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Cindy for this one:
Jack made his way through veterinary school working
nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he
could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs
of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice
and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -
Either way, you get your dog back!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this one:

CLEVER......The most unfair thing about life is the way it
ends. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in
the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? The life
cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out
of the way.

You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every
day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect
your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement. You drink like a fish, party your ass off,
and screw anything that moves - you've only got a few
years left, so why not?!?

Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend
your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like
central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters
everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates