FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 15

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 15 April 10, 2006

Did you miss it? On Wednesday of last week, April 5th, at
two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning,
the time and date was 01:02:03 04/05/06.

More than just the usual viral videos
Cult classic movies and TV too!
http://www.veoh.com/channels.html

John Lee Hooker video
http://www.veoh.com/videoDetails.html?v=e16690&feature=1&offset=20&numResults=20&query=Blues

Speaking of freebies, ebooks and audiobooks here:
http://www.gutenberg.org/

Profitting from basement tour
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/4786828.stm

Newest pop star signed by Sony
http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/04/web.thom/index.html

Giggling at these unfortunate birthday cards
http://www.capnwacky.com/cards/bdaycard02.html

Need some deviled egg recipes?
http://www.elise.com/recipes/archives/001837deviled_eggs.php

Have you heard about Easter Eggs (the computer kind)
and wondered what they are and how to find them? Here
is a huge collection of them. A true Easter Egg must satisfy
the following criteria: Undocumented, Hidden, and Non-
Obvious, Reproducible, Put There by the Creators for
Personal Reasons, Not Malicious - Easter Eggs are there
for fun, not to do damage and ENTERTAINING!
http://www.eeggs.com/

Fun quiz - do you know more about the First Amendment,
the Simpsons or American Idol?
http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20060301095009990002&ncid=NWS00010000000001

Speaking of American Idol, they added more games (but I
am still addicted to Jewel Miner) and changed their URL
http://www.americanidol.com/games/

Cool puzzles under Fun & Games here:
http://tlc.discovery.com/

Bubblewrap to pop
http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf

Are you safe? See the registered sex offenders locations:
http://www.familywatchdog.us/

On to the chuckles:

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These days an income is something you can't live without--
or within. ~~ Tom Wilson

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"Howard Dean is in trouble for saying the Republicans are
nothing but a party of white Christians. And today in their
prayers, Republicans thanked God for Howard Dean."
~~ Jay Leno

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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling
them to sit down and shut up. ~~ Phyllis Diller

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Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.
~~ William Goldman

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"President Bush was greeted by protestors wearing President
Bush masks. The president was overheard saying, 'I don't know
who those people are, but their faces look familiar.'"
~~ Conan O'Brien

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"President Bush is back from his Mexican trip. While he was
in Mexico, the people were very nice to him. A lot of people
greeted him with the only English phrases they knew:
'Welcome to Wal-Mart. Can I help you?'" ~~ Jay Leno

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"In a speech yesterday, President Bush told the Iraqi
people to 'get governin'. Then he introduced his new speech
writer, Larry the Cable Guy." ~~ Conan O'Brien

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"Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet
President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down
together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to
Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer." ~~ Jay Leno

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Any person capable of angering you becomes your master;
he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be
disturbed by him. ~~ Epictetus (55-135 AD) Greek Philosopher

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Writings On the Wall

"Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends
deep inside the earth."

Don't worry 8 out 10 voice in my head tell me not to shoot.

Peace, love & all that $%^*

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be
miserable.

If mama ain't happy no one's happy.

"Organized people are too lazy to search for something"

Seen as a bumper sticker in the parking lot at work:
Better a bleeding heart than no heart at all.

Honk if parts fall off your car.

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The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for
most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup,
the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medicines.
The young doctor's eyes grew wide as he realized she had a
prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Jones, do you
realize these are birth control pills?>

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"I assure you, NOTHING in these could possibly help you sleep!"

She patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass
of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.
Believe you me, it helps me sleep at night."

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Remember When . . . It was fun being a baby boomer ...
until now!

Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits
with new lyrics to accommodate again baby boomers.
They include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely
Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From
Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your
Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the
Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If
You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If
I Want To

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"I grew up Catholic, but I hated nuns. When I was a
little girl, I used to dress my Barbie in a nun's habit
so she could beat the hell out of Skipper and not get in
trouble for it."

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When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring
at carpeting?

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An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose
hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the
marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.

The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff
of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right
of the moose.

The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze
that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of
the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left
of the moose.

The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him!
We got him!"

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A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners
who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he
sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the
dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess,
running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get
them".

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway
and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so,
despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside
and shouted, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

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SINGING IN CHURCH

A minister decided to do something a little different one
Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind".

The pastor shouted out "CROSS".

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
"THE OLD RUGGED CROSS".

The pastor hollered out "GRACE".

The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how
sweet the sound".

The pastor said "POWER".

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX".

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in
shock. They all nervously began to look around at each
other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way
from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old
grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS
MEMORIES".

Gotta Love Little Old Ladies. Laugh often ...
it burns calories.

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Thanks to Mike for this one:

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where
are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra
stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on
her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm getting a tetanus shot."

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Thanks to Andrea for these 30 Interesting Facts

1. California has issued at least 6 drivers licenses to people
named Jesus Christ.

2. Kangaroos can not walk backwards.

3. 'Jedi' is an official religion, with over 70,000 followers,
in Australia.

4. According to a recent survey, more than half of British
adults have had sex in a public place!

5. Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals
necessary to sustain human life.

6. Nachos is the food most craved by pregnant women.

7. Each year, 24,000 Americans are bitten by rats!

8. Most dreams last only 5 to 20 minutes.

9. The hair of an adult man or woman can stretch 25
percent of its length without breaking.

10. On average, the life span of an American dollar bill
is eighteen months.

11. Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

12. The first domain name ever registered was
Symbolics.com.

13. Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of
chocolate every second.

14. U.S. President Calvin Coolidge liked to eat breakfast
while having his head rubbed with Vaseline.

15. When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of
six feet, normally without being hurt.

16. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

17. The creator of the NIKE Swoosh symbol was paid
only $35 for the design.

18. How does a shark find fish? It can hear their hearts
beating.

19. Penguins can convert salt water into fresh water.

20. In ten minutes, a hurricane releases more energy
than all the world's nuclear weapons combined!

21. The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for
collecting taxes after a nuclear war.

22. During WWII, because a lot of players were called to
duty, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Philadelphia Eagles
combined to become The Steagles.

23. Nearly 22,000 checks will be deducted from the
wrong account over the next hour.

24. More than 50% of the people in the world have never
made or received a telephone call.

25. There are more fatal car accidents in July than any
other month.

26. There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are
people in the world.

27. More than 2 million documents will be lost by the IRS
this year.

28. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

29. Washington, D.C. has one lawyer for every 19 residents!

30. Avocados have more protein than any other fruit.

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Thanks to Ann for this one:

~~~ The Most Religious Dog ~~~

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to
own an equally fundamentally Christian pet, so, they went
shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed,
they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in
a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They
were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of
their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they
called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were
impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any
of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple
cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called
the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the
man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and
bowed his head.

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back
and realize they were the big things. ~~ Robert Brault

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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates