FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 17

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 17 April 24, 2006

First of all its crazy here with the wedding a week away.
I went to Milwaukee for a shower and stayed overnight to
see my doctor who gave me great news. I lost 15 pounds
since I saw him 9 months ago!

Then I finally got home ready to do this and Blogger
(where this is stored when I work on it) was due to be
down for maintenance so I went out for a walk. It was
gorgeous and I took the camera so I got lots of
spring flower pictures to use in my websites.

No Fun on the Web next week since its the wedding
weekend then. My son is being married and I have relatives
arriving from both coasts. I will resume publishing on the
following Monday, May 8. Don't forget Mother's Day and if
you need something for Mom, Ebay has started an Express
Checkout system. Here is a link to my items there:
http://search.express.ebay.com/merchant/baubles-and-bling-bling_W0QQ_pgnZ9QQ_tosZ1

Mike sent this amusing parody based in a commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JitBPwM4Kmk

But I found this one handed guitar solo just amazing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hAIHrdrCXI

Reuters has video clip news now: http://today.reuters.com/tv/videoChannel.aspx?storyid=caea17626b61e16db6fc41fd655c15bd79394df7

I found it in their odly enough news blog
http://blogs.reuters.com/category/themes/oddly-enough/

"A slip-up could be any mistake made by anyone in any
situation. We all probably make many minor slip-ups
every day. This site, however, is mainly concerned with
entertaining slip-ups that are public and can be verified..."
http://www.slipups.com/

In the June 2004 issue, they "published a feature called
Brutally Honest Personals in which single people described
themselves without euphemisms or exaggerations or any
truth-hedging. They then provided, free of charge, an
email address for interested parties to respond to these
Brutally Honest Personals.

Now, they plan to continue to run an ad or two per issue
for the foreseeable future. If you would like to participate,
please submit two paragraphs describing yourself."
http://www.esquire.com/brutal/submit.html

Where they rate everything from Marvel Superheroes
to Hostess Cake Products
http://www.bookofratings.com/archive.html

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum
http://www.rockhall.com/

Play 20 Questions against Artificial Intelligence
http://www.20q.net/index.html

Brain teasers, word games and other puzzles
http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/braint.htm

On to the chuckles:

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I have many regrets, and I'm sure everyone does. The
stupid things you do, you regret... if you have any sense,
and if you don't regret them, maybe you're stupid.
~~ Katharine Hepburn

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If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.
~~ Katharine Hepburn

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Someone asked someone who was about my age: "How are
you?" The answer was, "Fine. If you don't ask for details."
~~ Katharine Hepburn

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Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each
other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit
now and then. ~~ Katharine Hepburn

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Why slap them on the wrist with feather when you can
belt them over the head with a sledgehammer.
~~ Katharine Hepburn

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Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
~~ Helen Keller

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Writings On the Wall

My family tree is full of nuts.

If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane
I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again

The early bird still has to eat worms.

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The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew
his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three"?

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six"?

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten"?

"A jack," says the little boy.

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In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every
now and then. One copy repairman had answered question
after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just
smiled and handed them this sheet.

The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.

Thank You

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Andy came to work one day, limping something awful.
One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy
what happened. "Oh, nothing," Andy replied.
"It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in
a while."

"Gee, I never knew you played hockey," Josh said.

"No I don't," Andy responded. "I hurt it last year when
I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot
through the television."

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More Words I'd like to see in the Dictionary
Aquadextrous (adj.) Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast
out.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
near future.

Carperpetuation (n.) The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the "open here" spout
on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to
the 'illegal' side.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head
and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Peppier (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they
want ground pepper.

Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone
ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're
only six inches away.

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I shamelessly stole this from another eBay group

Why Computers Crash
by Dr. Seuss.
(You gotta read this one out loud
- it's great!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a
socket on a port, and the bus is
interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has
an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash, and the
double-clicking icon puts your
window in the trash, and your
data is corrupted cause the index
doesn't hash, then your
situation's hopeless and your
system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the
table at your house, says the
network is connected to the
button on your mouse, but your
packets want to tunnel to another
protocol, that's repeatedly
rejected by the printer down the
hall.

And your screen is all distorted by
the side effects of gauss, so your
icons in the window are as wavy
as a souse; then you may as well
reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the
sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's
getting sloppy in the disk, and the
macro code instructions are
causing unnecessary risk, then
you'll have to flash the
memoryand you'll want to RAM
the ROM,and then quickly
turn off the computer and be
sure to tell your Mom!

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There once was a man who had always heard about ice fishing,
so one day she tried it. She went to an icy area, cut a hole,
and started fishing.

All of a sudden, she hears a voice. “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
THE ICE!" She ignores it and moves to another area, cutting
a hole, and beginning to fish again.

Again she hears the booming voice. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
THE ICE!!" She is starting to get freaked out now.

"Lord? Is that you?" she asks.

In reply she hears, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

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Virtual Poetry

Remember when ram meant just a male sheep
And bugs and worms were just things that creep?
When a gopher and a mouse were li'l critters
And virus were microbes that gave one the shivers?

When a web was a sticky net that housed a spider
And nets were just strings all woven together?
When surfing was just riding an ocean wave
And a slip was dodging trouble with a close shave?

When a mime was a painted-face animated mute clown
And hackers were people who slashed things down?
When menus and servers were all about eating
And addresses and homes were places for living?

When Archie and Veronica were actually people
And trolls were pests that were considered mythical?
When mud was just slime and Spam was just food
And to 'finger' someone was not considered good?

When to chat and to talk still needed a voice...?
Now being online has all but mooted that choice.

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Thanks to Erin for this one

I went into the gas station today and asked for five
dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

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Thanks to Andrea for these

CLEVER--INTERESTING HOW AN ESSENSE OF THE
PERSON IS CAPTURED and WHO WAS CHOSEN

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of
the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE"
of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how
stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems
before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of
having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,
which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a
car so that he can just drive across the road and not live
his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road,
or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There
is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have
not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of
the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was
misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now,
and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave
me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone!

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
"other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes,
my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken,
you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until
we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white-
washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as
plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
heart warming story of how it experienced a serious
case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your check book. Internet
explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform
is much more stable and will never cra....

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is the
definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the
end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell
their stories.

"Johnny do you have a story to share?"

Yes, ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She
was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had
to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small
flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank
the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran
out of bullets,killed four more with the knife, till the
blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her
bare hands.

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of
moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

" Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates