FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 20

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 20 May 22, 2006

Is it time to take your nightlife outdoors? See what
CityGuide says are the best outdoor places to catch
a cocktail and people watch:
http://cityguide.aol.com/milwaukee/bestoutdoordrinks/main.adp?page=cb2006/

Check it out they are larger than life size
http://www.ohiobarns.com/othersites/largerthanlife/ltl.html

Frugal Traveler from the NY Times "My Goal Is to Go
Around the World in 90 Days on the Cheap"
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/17/travel/17frugaltraveler.html

Ever thought about the map upside down (with North at
the bottom? Here are some interesting ones
http://www.flourish.org/upsidedownmap/

Webby Award Winners and nominees here:
http://www.webbyawards.com/webbys/current.php?season=10

Quite an interesting site about stones here:
http://www.galleries.com/default.htm

Video game reviews for parents with frequency
ratings for violence, sexual content, language, and
drug use; providing families with the tools they need
to make informed media decisions.
http://www.parentpreviews.com/html/games.shtml

The Diet Soft Drink Information Center is an information
portal offering a variety of resources all related to
diet soft drinks.
http://www.dietsoda.org/

Is Ceramics your craft of choice? Here you have sites,
articles on ceramics, online gallery, glaze recipes,
bulletin board, and book reviews.
http://www.ceramicstoday.com/

Little known truths about our past
http://www.truthisfalse.com/

English Dictionary in Limerick Form
http://www.oedilf.com/db/Lim.php

And an Encyclopedia of "Toons"

http://www.toonopedia.com/

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laughter is an instant vacation.~~ Merlin Berke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there
are some fantastic pictures." ~~George W. Bush

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Senate voted to make English the national language
of the United States. The vote drew protests from
several immigrant groups and one governor of
California." ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of
yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he
will make a fool of himself too.
~~Samuel Butler

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men
everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have
another beer.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.
They rented out my room.

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for
me at kick boxing.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

How many roads must a man walk down before he
admits he is lost?

He who laughs last didn't get it.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on
the shore like an idiot.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly,
she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother
saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay,
as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that?
I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own
convenience. You did write, didn't you"?

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell
convenience, so I made it risk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things We Can Learn From a Dog

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
face to be pure ecstasy.

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

- When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

- Take naps and stretch before rising.

- Run, romp and play daily.

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

- Be loyal.

- Never pretend to be something you're not.

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
by and nuzzle him or her gently.

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady
tree.

- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire
body.

- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

- Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me
while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm
bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the
carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Do it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark.

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the
couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky
toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in
a little circle.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate
was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. I am not one of them, so the question is, how long
before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll
do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails
will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young,
we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside
worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I work for an entertainment company that has about 150
stores. We run servers in the back office that connect out
to terminals that the associates use to ring sales. This
is probably the worst call I had to field in two and half
years of tech support.

Her: "Umm, my thingies aren't up!"
Me: "Your thingies aren't up"?
Her: "Yes, my thingies aren't up!!"
Me: "Ok, calm down. What exactly are you talking about"?
Her: "The thingies! You know, the thingies that have wires
coming out of them!"
Me: "Do you mean the cash registers?"
Her: "I guess."
Me: "Are you talking about the thing that looks like a
small TV screen. The place you ring up sales"?
Her: "Yeah! The TV thingies! They aren't up!"
Me: "Ok. What happens when you flip the switch on the
front of the monitor?"
Her: "Nothing."
Me: "Are all of your terminals blank? Like they're turned
off"?
Her: "Yes. Everything looks turned off."

After ten minutes of checking power cords on one or two of
the terminals, her manager gets on the phone.

Him: "Why do you have my associate messing with the
terminals"?
Me: "Because she called and asked for help."
Him: "Well, I don't know who you think you are, but you
will not tell my associates what to do!"
Me: "Well, sir, if you want this problem to get fixed,
I'll have to talk to someone."
Him: "No! From now on, we'll fix our problems by ourselves,
we don't need your help anyway!" (click)

Riiiiinnnnnnngggggg.

Him: "Yeah, I need some help. The last idiot I talked to
didn't know what he was talking about."
Me: "Well, sir I'll be glad to help."
Him: "Nothing is working."
Me: "Does any of the equipment in the backroom have
power"?
Him: "Hold on. No. Nothing has power. This entire side of
town has been blacked out since 3:00 a.m."
Me: "Sir, I need you to take the monitor from terminal one
and move it to terminal four, then take terminal six and
move it to terminal one."

There is a long wait while he lugs the terminals around.
It's not a pleasant task, because of all the dirt and dust
that builds up.

Him: "Ok, I'm done. What now"?
Me: "Well, first, I was the 'idiot' you talked to before.
Second, a man who doesn't realize that computers need
power to work has no real right to comment on someone
else's intelligence, does he"?
Him: "Uhh, bahh, uggh." (click)

The actual time I spent with the manager on the phone
was about 20 minutes. I got written up, but it was worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark
has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon
on the sin of lying."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours"?

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again later in
the week.

"The usual"? asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That
will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change out of your pocket every time"?

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning
the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich"?

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a
tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like He made me. He
just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then
they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's
moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other
stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess
would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say No
to drugs and Yes to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my
Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking
cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to,
because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the
stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more
to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just
go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring
them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the
real power, because that's who you got to ask if you
want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without
medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I
think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what
would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room
clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it
was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible
eyes on the back of her head.

--Answers from 2nd graders.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Operating Systems Were Beers
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener,
and requires you to read the directions carefully before
opening the can. Originally came in an 8-oz can but now
comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided in 8
compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of
people are going to keep drinking it after it's no
longer available.

Mac Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now
comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light"
beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from
the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not
on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
are told that "you don't need to know". A notice on the
side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.

Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a
16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that
you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to
drink several DOS beers simultaneously, but in reality
you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially
slowly if you are drinking Windows Beer at the same time.
Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows
Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink
several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink
Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat
slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you
open them, even if you shake them up. You never really
see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer: The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can,
but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz
cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz
of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer
and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look
at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that
came in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims
that this is an entirely new brew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know You're a Mom When...

- You automatically double knot everything you tie.

- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do
the dishes.

- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store and you start
to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However,
your children are at school!

- You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots
mixed with applesauce.

- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is
taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

- You get so into crafts that you contemplate writing a
book called "101 Fun Crafts To Do With Dryer Lint and
Eggshells."

- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only
to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the
ones you pushed up on your head"?

- You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband,
enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you
realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his
steak.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the market in the turmoil that it is, these mergers
may not be too far fetched...

1. XEROX and WURLITZER
(They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and
HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS
(The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR
(MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE
(Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL
(Honey, I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING
(Mine All Mine)

9. 3M, JC PENNEY and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY
(3 Penney Opera)

10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS
(Poupon Pants)

11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR
WOMEN
(The new company will be called Knott Now)

12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

13. NETSCAPE and YAHOO
(Net n'Yahoo - the Israeli branch)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. -
If not, just have fun!

Here we go!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the
top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh,
some people don't know.)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup
label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have
letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your
right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or
white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? (Don't
look at that dial!)

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or
clockwise? (Get out of the bathroom!)

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15 How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or
left side?

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's
missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that
adjusts the opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2
symbols bear no digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

________________________________________

ANSWERS

1. Bottom

2. 50

3. Right

4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black & gold

5. 1, 0

6. Right

7. 20

8. Red

9. 87.7

10. Clockwise (north of the equator)

11. From lower right to upper left

12. 12 (there is no #1)

13. Left

14. Clockwise as you look at it from the front.

15. 8

16. Left

17. 5

18. 6

19. Bashful

20. 8

21. Ace of spades

22. Left

23. * and #

24. 3

25. Counter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living
in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than
casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services
will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket
is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the
churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby
Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are
taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming, did you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Kristen for this one

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are
flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles,
and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out
the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could
throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10
people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says,
"Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out
the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot,
"Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could
throw the three of them out the window and make
56 million people really happy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for this one

A pastor is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It
reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he
drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another
sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are
for real......

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a
stone building with a small sign next to a door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What
may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly doing business with one of the
sisters."

The man is led through a labyrinth of passages and is
soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs,
"Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the
large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and
slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him...
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates