FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 18

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 18 May 8, 2006

So tired and sunburned. Had our community rummage
sale this weekend, Friday was pretty cold but Saturday
was lovely. Was a much better time financially too :-)
Today is catch up day although I have been trying to
do that for week.

I am afraid today I will have to finish the Cosmos in
the fridge. That's my idea of a Martini. What's yours?
I know Sheila thinks the plain Gin Martini is the only
answer so the following tips from Carole Leib are for
her or anyone else who likes them:

For a WET martini, use 1 part extra dry vermouth to
2 parts gin. The type of gin in not important, because
this is not a good martini anyway.

For a DRY martini, use a splash of extra dry vermouth,
swirl it around in the glass, spill it out, and fill the
glass with a GOOD quality Gin (BOMBAY is my choice:it is
the best, but Tanqueray and Beefeaters are acceptable)

For an EXTRA DRY martini, fill the glass with a chilled,
excellent gin, and whisper 'vermouth' gently over the
glass. This is the best.

Garnishes should also be discussed: some people like
lemon peel. I find this dominates the delicate flavor of
the gin, and I don't use it. Some people like cocktail
onions. If used, the drink is called a 'Gibson", not a
martini. The onions should be tiny pearl onions and
should be rinsed before using them in the drink. Some
people prefer the classic olive. This is my choice.
HOWEVER, avoid the pimento-stuffed olives: they, too,
dominate the flavor of the gin. My choice is a plain,
pitted olive OR -- best choice -- an almond-stuffed
olive. Again, the olives should be rinsed before being
put into the gin.

The gin should be chilled by keeping the bottle in the
refrigerator, served over ice (for those who like the
drink slightly diluted), or quickly stirred with ice
and then poured into those wonderful 1920s retro
martini glasses.

Thanks to Andrea for these tips - To Lease or Buy?
A noble question, for sure. But the answer really depends
on your situation. Buying is often a cheaper option for the
long term. Still, if you like a new car every couple of years,
you may be better off leasing. Here are four questions to
help you make your decision:

1. How many years will I have this car? If the answer is
three or less, you're better off leasing. At four you could
go either way. More than four, buy.
2. How many miles do I drive annually? If it's more than
15,000, you ought to buy. Leases usually figure on mile-
age of 12,000 to 15,000 a year. Drive more than that and
you'll pay an additional 10 to 15 cents per mile. Ouch!
3. Do I take good care of my car? Be honest. If you're the
kind of person who never misses an oil change and avoids
curbs at all costs, you'll be fine when it comes time to
return your leased car. But if not, buy. Otherwise, you
could find yourself looking at a hefty bill for "excessive
wear and tear."
4. Do I use my car for business? If yes, you may want to
lease.

Pollen season bothering you?
http://www.pollen.com/Pollen.com.asp

How about mold allergies
Milwaukee
http://www.milwaukeesinus.com/

Mold count elsewhere
http://www.aaaai.org/nab/index.cfm?p=pollen

More on allergies here:
http://www.walgreens.com/library/contents.jsp?docid=002229&doctype=1&ec=hn254_allergens

More on the difference between colds, flu, and allergy:
http://www.walgreens.com/library/careguides/careguide.jsp?docid=000041&doctype=28&Subcontents=Allergy&ec=hn254_allergycold

You may want to add this recipe site to your bookmarks
http://www.walgreens.com/library/recipe/default.jsp?ec=hn254_recipefile

Find out what happened on any date (like a birthday or
anniversary) includes prices and wages.
http://www.dmarie.com/timecap/

A science news site
http://www.scienceagogo.com/

WalMart tries to corner the market on smileys. They are
fighting it out in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office
against Franklin Loufrani, a French native who has earned
millions in licensing fees on smiley's back since the
early 1970s, when he began securing trademarks for the
happy face. He set up a company in London, to police its
use called SmileyWorld Ltd.
http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-smiley7may07,0,5724644.story

Alternatives to the traditional smiley
http://www.albertchau.com/funstuff/joke_mrmen.asp

While you are there try his office invader game, shoot
rubber bands at the IT and HR people before they get
you with "trouble tickets" and "pink slips".
http://www.albertchau.com/funstuff/game_officeinvader.asp

Which sports car are you quiz:
http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar/

Mike recommends this music site Remembering Rock and Roll
Artists Of The '50s, '60s and '70s.
http://www.classicbands.com/

Mike recommends this Chicago Blues Tour for Memorial Day
http://members.audiogenerator.com/postcards/?7380400X1166

Money Saving Tips on European Travel from the NY Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/23/travel/23affordable.html

The Internet's first national charity-driven Thrift Store
Directory with a comprehensive online magazine with
feature articles as well as running series and columns.
http://www.thethriftshopper.com/

Interesting site on carousels
http://www.ourfaircarousel.org/america

This looks like it might be fun for the Milwaukee or Wisconsin folks
http://www.onmilwaukee.com/boards/ubbthreads.php?Cat=

On to the chuckles:

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"Please excuse the mess, we live here." ~~ Roseanne

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"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people." ~~George Carlin

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"Today President Bush said global warming is happening much
quicker than he thought, but then his staff pulled him aside
and told him, 'It's just spring time.'" --Jay Leno

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"When I'm good, I'm great, when I'm bad - I'm better!"
~~ Mae West

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Well-behaved women seldom make history.
~~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

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I'm not difficult to please, I'm always happy with the
best. ~~ Sir Winston Churchill

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In victory you deserve Champagne, in defeat you need it.
~~ Napoleon Bonaparte

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Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!
~~ Mae West

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Do one thing every day that scares you.
~~ Eleanor Roosevelt

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Writings On the Wall

It can be counter-productive to beat a willing horse and
it just may come around to bite you in the end.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your
mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead
giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she
thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "Without You, we are but dust "

He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change)
leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

(Church was pretty much over at that point.)

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You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...


You call your young apprentice, "Junior"

Your landspeeder has a gun rack.

You call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.

You have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.

Your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

You can describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or
bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over
t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.

You have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum
skeeters.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer
so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You've used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon.

You feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light
side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to
Chewbacca.

You use your lightsaber as a bug zapper.

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Helpful Tips for Idiots
* Don't throw a brick straight up.
* Don't take naps in the road.
* Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
* Don't microwave yourself.
* Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the
floor of your house.
* When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame
to see if it's sufficiently hot.
* Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot
on a cactus is bad.
* If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!"
don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms
and duck.
* No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay
on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
* When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on
the flat end.

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Top Ten Rejected Titles For Saddam Hussein's New Novel

10. The Da Vinci Goat.

9. Of Lice and Men.

8. I'm Okay, You're Uday.

7. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sand.

6. Inspectors Turn up no Evidence that Herbie was Ever
Fully Loaded.

5. Mahmoud Potter and the Goblet of Hummus.

4. Kuwaiting for Godot.

3. Along Came a Spider Hole.

2. Sunnis are from Mars, Shiites are from Venus, Americans
are Infidel Pig Dogs.

1. The Brotherhood of the Traveling Underpants.

[Courtesy of the Late Show with David Letterman]

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Camping Tips

* Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out
the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

* A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an
excellent hockey puck.

* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wild-
erness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from
the elastic waistband of your underwear.

* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite
makes excellent kindling.

* It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on
a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

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A 4-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up.

As the doctor examined her ears he said, "Ohh, I see Big
Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down
her throat.

"Wow! I see Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.

As he listened to her heartbeat, he said, "I think I hear
Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl corrected. "Jesus is in my heart.
Barney is on my underwear."

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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science
& Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and
someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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Thanks to Mike for these:

Republican-to-English Dictionary

In case you've been having trouble recently in deciphering
speeches and news reports:

alternative energy sources /n./ New locations to drill for
gas and oil.

bankruptcy /n./ A means of escaping debt available to
corporations but not to poor people.

"burning bush" /n./ A biblical allusion to the response of
the President of the United States, when asked a question
by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about
non-issues.

Cheney, Dick /n./ The greater of two evils.
class warfare /n./ Any attempt to raise the minimum
wage.

climate change /n./ Progress toward the blessed day
when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism /n./ Poignant concern for
the very wealthy.

creation science /n./ Pseudo-science that claims George
W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally
coincidental.

DeLay, Tom /n./ Past tense of De Lie.

extraordinary rendition /n./ Outsourcing torture.

faith /n./ The belief that the Beatitudes (statements made
by JC) include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the
warmakers."

free markets /n./ Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer
expense.

girly-men /n./ Males who neglect opportunities to grope
unwilling women.

God /n./ Senior presidential adviser.

growth /n./ 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich.
2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made
according to Definition 1.

healthy forest /n./ No tree left behind.

honesty /n./ Lies told in simple declarative sentences
e.g., "Freedom is on the march.").

House of Representatives /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee:
$1 million to $5 million (See: Senate).

insanity /n./ See: staying the course.

laziness /n./ When the poor are not working.

leisure time /n./ When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s) /n./ Followers of the Antichrist.

No Child Left Behind /riff./. There are always jobs in the
military.

ownership society /n./ 1. A civilization where 1 percent
of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.
2. A political system in which all power is in the hands
of the owners.

Patriot Act /n./ 1. Pre-emptive strike on American
freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them
first.
2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

pro-life /adj./ Valuing human life up until birth.

Senate /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30
million.

simplify /v./ To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course /interj./slang./ Continuing to perform
the same actions and expecting different results (See:
insanity).

stuff happens /interj./slang./ I don't have to live in Baghdad.

voter fraud /n./ A significant minority turnout.

woman /n./ 1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child
but can't betrusted to decide whether or not she wishes to
have a child.
2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her
reproductive functions made by men with whom she
wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.

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If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and
its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great
questions and answers are from the days when game show
responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and
(often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host
asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should
do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out
and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say
"I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a
twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less
with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are
you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie:Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in
the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in
the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid
of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting
Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horse-
radish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your
wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its
sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to
him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes
in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you
should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas
rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working
cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with him.
Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor
George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what
a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country
road and you come across a fence post with a turtle
balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. "You know he didn't get there by
himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to
do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb
shit get down."

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Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from Chicago, another from Kentucky and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he
says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials,
$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials,
$300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans
over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Chicagoan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me
and we hire the guy from Kentucky."

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"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
one and asked him to forgive me."

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates