FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 19

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 19 May 16, 2006

I don't know why but I still feel like I am playing catch up.
Maybe it's because after the rummage sale I brought the
stuff into my dining room (which I have to walk through).
Plus I found another box of Avon I found in the garage,
and I actually ordered some too and that was delivered.
Those are also sitting in the dining room and various
spots are set up for photos just waiting for good light.

The weather has been gloomy so that doesn't help either
in the energy department. Got some photos taken one day
when we actually had sun, so more is being added to my
store all the time. Hoping to see more sun soon but we
sure have had our share of gray days lately.

Thanks to Andrea for this message to our online friends
http://www.frontiernet.net/~jlbeam/specials/friend/friend.html

From Mike who says this is mildly amusing comes this
animated editorial cartoon (a parody on the Wizard
of Oz) that I think is pretty clever
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-waltflash5,0,5531570.flash

Also from Mike Promoting democracy one pint at a time.
144 chapters in 40 states plus DC.
http://drinkingliberally.org/

Also from Mike this Bush parody of Beatles tune "I am
the Eggman" (with sound)
http://decider.cf.huffingtonpost.com/

Thanks to Erin Know your serial killers and computer
programmers…it's a quiz!
Click here: malevole - Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer?

Many Thanks to Erin for the PMS Blues - This is hilarious
and actually being sung by "Dolly Parton" (loud if at work
so turn it down or wait till later)
http://www.badgirl1.com/PMS.htm

Listen to Blues online 24/7
(If you don't love Blues you have a hole in your soul.)
http://isumedia01.ilstu.edu/wgltblues

For those who like to listen while they surf a podcast
station with some interesting content
http://www.podcastpickle.com/

I confess I didn't note who sent this to me but it's
cute (it has loud music so turn off your sound or don't open
it at work) and so true about my online friends.
http://www.frontiernet.net/~jlbeam/specials/friend/friend.html

From Muppet Studios at Movie.com comes the elderly gents
from TV's "The Muppet Show", who turn their attention and
tongues to motion pictures with bi-weekly reviews.
http://movies.go.com/moviesdynamic/muppets/index

I watched Food Finds on the Food Network this weekend
and wow it gave me a tremendous idea: why not look for
the local delicacies or plan your food stops for your next
road trip? Then visit them instead of ending up at the next
fast food joint down the road. Since we are paying so much
for gas now, make it a quality trip. This was the episode
I saw which offered way more than pies. There are yummy
food gifts and recipes in their websites.
http://www.foodtv.com/food/show_fi/episode/0,1976,FOOD_9962_34933,00.html

More episodes for dining delights here:
http://www.foodtv.com/food/episode_archive/0,1904,FOOD_9962_164,00.html

I found some fabulous recipes to add to my food blog
http://bluesbabys-rants.blogspot.com/2006/05/southern-homemade-apple-pie.html

Well I looked here since it's Vidalia Onion Time but would
you believe they have an Onion of the Month Club?
http://www.sweetonionexpress.com/

It looks like the time may be running out for the patriarch
of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints, or FLDS, Warren Jeffs who is on the Top 10 Most
Wanted List now. If you have not followed this story it is a
sad tale of polygamy often without the consent of either
party, they are ordered into it by this man some call a
prophet and others a devil. The church owns everything
from the homes they live in to the children (particularly
young girls) and exercises control of them on a whim.
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-sect13may13,0,3726675.story?track=tothtml

You know the thing that kills me about Republicans is their
"what, who me, I didn't do anything wrong" attitude even
when caughtred handedd! See this fine example:
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20060512/D8HIA6EO3.html

Best blues clubs around the country
http://blues.about.com/od/liveblues/tp/tpbestclubs.htm

Do you have a secret you need to confess?
http://www.yoursecretconfession.com/

Fantasy Coffins - ya gotta see it to believe it
http://www.makezine.com/blog/archive/2006/04/homemade_fantasy_coffins_from.html

Ever wonder what amount and when to tip?
http://www.tipping.org/TopPage.shtml

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I've got seven kids, the three words you hear most around
my house are: "Hello, goodbye, and I'm pregnant."
~~ Dean Martin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in
the world is done by children."
~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Finally a beautiful day. It was so hot today I was
sweating like a Kennedy trying to get car insurance."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The head of the Fraternal Order of Police said it
took Patrick Kennedy 19 hours to come up with an
official explanation. Which may sound bad, but it still
beats his dad's record by two hours, so it's pretty good."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after
the car crash on his sleeping medication. I believe it's
called Jagermeister." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his
best moment since becoming president. You know the sad
thing, a lot of historians would agree with that."
~~ Jay Leno
BTW Bill Maher did a bit on his latest HBO series about
thisallegedd 7.5 pound perch when the largest perch ever
recorded was 4.3 pounds, so Bush lied about that too!
He advocates impeaching Bush for lying about this fish.
Adding him to the ranks of presidents impeached for
absolutely no good reason.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

** FAMOUS LAST WORDS **
* I'll get a world record for this..
* It's fireproof.
* He's probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury,
so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million
to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
Shh! Be very, very quiet ... I'm hunting forebears.
I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a
few bad apples.
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
Many a family tree needs pruning.
Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control
That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards
My family coat of arms ties at the back ...
is that normal?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life Rules For Teenagers
Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average
teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a
day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often
you decided they must be the most idealistic generation
ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids,
they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your
self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to
accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-
esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair.
(See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out
of high school. And you won't be a vice president or
have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a
uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til
you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to
be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask
you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping.
They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed
making minimum wage either. They would have been
embarrassed to sit around talking about Fifty Cent all
weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up,
you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my
life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent
proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's
on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like
a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as
boring as they are now. They got that way paying your
bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell
them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you
save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of
your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your
bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't
get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you
to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get
a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a
sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes,
minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually
have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends
will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for
them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain,
school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll
realize how wonderful it was to be kid.

Maybe you should start now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games
10. Musical Recliners

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

8. Hide and Go Pee

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

6. Doc, Doc Goose

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

4. Kick the Bucket

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

1. Sag, You're It!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Drugs on the Market

St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious
for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how
awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't
wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two
full cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting.

Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country
western music.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters
by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls,
is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up
phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Laws of Cartoon Physics

I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space
until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps
off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters
in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances
to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion
until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot
from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that
only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards
their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton
called this sudden termination of motion the
stooge's surcease.

III. Any body passing through solid matter will
leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phen-
omenon is the speciality of victims of directed-
pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who
are so eager to escape that they exit directly
through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-
cutout perfect hole. The threat of skunks or
matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

IV. The time required for an object to fall
twenty stories is greater than or equal to the
time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt
to capture it unbroken. Such an object is
inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.

V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for
a shock to propel them directly away from the
earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually
to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the
crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who
is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need
never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several
places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-
and-claw fights, in which a character's head may
be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation
at several places simultaneously. This effect is
common as well among bodies that are spinning or
being throttled. A "wacky" character has the option
of self-replication only at manic high speeds and
may ricochet off alls to achieve the velocity
required.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls
painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others
cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has
baffled generation, but, at least it is known
that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
surface to trick an opponent will be unable to
pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter
is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
follow into the painting. This is ultimately a
problem of art, not of science.

VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is
impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths
than the traditional nine lives might comfortably
afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but
they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of
blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap
back, or solidify.

IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and
opposite revengeance. This is the one law of
animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large. For that reason, we need
the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. Examples
too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Signs of a Frustrated Parent

1. Your children know how to read HTML code but can't
operate a vacuum cleaner.

2. Your children tell you that you said "yes" and you don't
even remember the question.

3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a
good time.

4. Your spouse asks how your day went and you rate it on
a scale of 1-10 repeats of "stop that!" or "no!"

5. You can't remember the last time you didn't have to
share your drink.

6. You mistakenly tell the kids it's "sanity" time when you
meant to say "bed" time.

7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you
begin to feel that it's out to get you.

8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign
there's about to be trouble amongst the children.

9. It's finally your turn on the computer and "Touched by an
Angel" is just coming on.

10. You go to sleep with "I'm bored" or "I'm hungry" still
ringing in your ears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five Feline Haiku
1.You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

2.The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.'

3.In deep sleep, hear sound.
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

4.Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

5.You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore
my Sitting on your hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

I promise, you cannot read these and not laugh out loud!
These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee
school district. (spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take pe
today. Please execute him.

Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and i
had her shot.

Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28,
29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from jim today.
She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday
he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out
of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing foot-
ball. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has
been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse ray Friday from school.
He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He had (Diahre, Dyrea, Direathe), the shits.
Words in ( )'s were crossed out].

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse jimmy for being.
It was his father's fault

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday
as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda.
She has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her
sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother
had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the
best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming
for better education for our kids!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Jim for this one
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed
an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the
distance, figuring the wind direction and speed--
driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking
so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me
from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this sad but true tale
The Joys of Swimsuit Purchases

This is a true story written by a woman in England to
her friend after a swimsuit shopping expedition. "I
have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture
and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit."

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for
a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman
with a mature figure - boned, trussed, and reinforced,
not so much sewn as engineered. It was built to hold
back and uplift, and it did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-
pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice. She can either front up
at the maternity department and try on a floral suit
with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus
who escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander
around every run-of-the-mill department store trying
to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a
designed range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice
did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice,
and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting
room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile
strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in
bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to
launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the
added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself
into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The
reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged
the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my
bosom had disappeared!


Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left
armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I
located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra
cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosoms
spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned
my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full-view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right,
but unfortunately, it only fit those bits of me willing
to stay inside it.

The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom,
and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing
undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all
those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales
girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh, there
you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied
that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to
show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like
a lump of masking tape and a floral two-piece which gave
the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged
frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with
triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number
with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I
tried on a bright pink pair with such a high-cut leg, I
thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit . . a two-piece affair
with shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It
was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.
My ridiculous search had a successful outcome.

When I got home I found a label that said, "Material will
become transparent in water."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are easily offended its time to close this
email but thanks to Erin for this one:

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name
and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol
also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also
called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil
is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government
experts,it recently announced that it has settled on
the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It
will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's
research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away
there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are easily offended its time to close this
email but Thanks to Mike for this one too:

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a
drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old
ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over
her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of
condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very
delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates