FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 22

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 22 June 12, 2006

Describe a concept and get back a list of words related to that concept
http://www.onelook.com/reverse-dictionary.shtml

What to do if the internet is down:
http://www.thetoque.com/031118/internetdown.htm

Here you can appreciate and learn about different kinds
of chocolate as well as read reviews on specific types of
chocolate. pureorigin was founded in late 1998 by Clay
Gordon to pursue his passion for chocolate.
http://www.chocophile.com/

Enjoy a little trip back in time with this cool web site that
focuses on pop culture in America, Canada, Australia,
Europe and the UK during the 60's, 70's and 80's. You
can choose you subject or go year by year:
http://www.nostalgiacentral.com/

Interesting collection of blogs
http://blogs.glam.com/blogs

Play the Snack Bat Hustle on the US Bowling site
http://www.bowl.com/games/main.aspx

Vintage snapshots
http://www.squareamerica.com/

Senses challenge
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/interactives/senseschallenge/senses.swf

On to the chuckles:

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"President Bush gave his weekly, regular radio address
on Saturday and the theme was pro-marriage. And then
right afterwards, Bill Clinton gave the rebuttal."
~~ Jay Leno

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"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling
found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm
surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay.
Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider
trading has a whole new meaning." ~~ Jay Leno

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"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the
most important issue facing the country today -- gay
marriage? We were off last week, so apparently we must
have caught bin Laden." ~~ Jay Leno

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"Al Gore's movie about global warming broke into the
top 10 this past week. President Bush has said he probably
will not see the film. Though he says he did go see 'Ice
Age 2: The Meltdown'. So he feels he has most of his
facts down." ~~ Jay Leno

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"If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the liberals?"
--Mike Gunn, Mississippi state senator, 1991
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"Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient
Truth.' have an inconvenient truth for him: you're
still not the president. This past weekend, Al Gore's
movie earned more per screen than any film in the
country. ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest
grossing PowerPoint presentation in history."
~~ Stephen Colbert

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket,
huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but
I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I
am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have
quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets
as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haiku Error Messages

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the
baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and
accidentally inhaled a bunch of them.

The poor elephant was choking on them and no one
could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the
elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers.

Yep! That's what he gets for snorting quack.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of Rednecks went on vacation in Colorado.
They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One
of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000
feet above the river.

Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in
the wind.

"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge,"
one said to the other.

"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's
a rental.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Photons have mass!?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

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"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has called for
an investigation of the video game Grand Theft Auto
after finding hidden sex in the game. I don't know,
is Hillary the best one to go looking for hidden
sex? If Hillary was any good at finding it, her
husband wouldn't have been impeached." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What NOT To Say To Your Date

* I really don't like this restaurant that much,
but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it
expired.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs
on you.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it
wouldn't hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he
doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine
every hour.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few
years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone
like you a second look.

* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity
belching contest.

* I know you said you don't eat anything with a
face. But a good butcher will cut that part off
for you if you ask.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that
most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Terri for these

Special Birthday This Week

Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this
week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use
the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15
minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back
and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a
hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a
program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms
so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized
because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all
say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000
worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you
were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the
window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays
her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise
special, please."

The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her
into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls
her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where
he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign,
goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99
special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating
down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she
eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side
by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they
serve refreshments on his cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor
of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into
other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular
activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a
new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old
pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain,
defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in
front of Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it
there all night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MUSICIANS JOKES

How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between playing an English horn solo
and wetting your pants?
Not much. Both give you a warm feeling but no one else
really cares.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano
sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the owner's neighbors will
be upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to handle the bulb and four others to contemplate
how David Sanborn would have done it.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to tell him how
much better they could have done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses
not to.

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and
a dead country singer in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road
and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on his way to a
recording session.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.

Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How do you get a violist to play a down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are actually the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end
to end...
It would be a good idea.

What do you call ten baritone horns at the bottom of the
ocean?
A start.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building,

which one will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

How do you get a guitar to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.

How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three... one, two, three...

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another from Mike
The husband had just finished reading a new book
titled "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up
to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said
sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM
the MAN this house, and my word is law! You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me, and we will have the se*x that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I
can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry
and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet
and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied,"The funeral director would be
my guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for these Amazing Facts :

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not
allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than
his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and
thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can
hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any
given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great
king in history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both
front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person
died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago
that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the
bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get
some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by
this practice.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird.
Believe it or not, you can read it!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan
mn!id aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as
a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this e-mail will try and
lick their elbow!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this one:

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got
any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new
drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for this:

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The
little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand
that what matters is whether we win or lose together as
a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an
out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the
umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand
all that? Again the little boy nodded. He continued,
"And when I take you out of the game so another boy
gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to
call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain all that to your
grandmother."

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates