FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 21

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 21 June 3, 2006

Hope you all had a great Memorial Day and have a great
summer! I may not be publishing regularly as I am going
to have 3 things going, eBay, craft & jewelry shows, and a
full time "real" job. I am going to try for a newsletter every
other week. Hopefully by fall I will be back to normal, till
then have fun, enjoy the summer, it will be over before
you know it.

Yikes it's swim suit season
http://www.flat-stomach-exercises.com/

http://www.hungry-girl.com/index.php

A note of caution about alcohol and diet mixers
http://news.com.com/Artifically+sweet+cocktails+speed+alcohol+absorption/2100-11395_3-6076359.html

If you use Word you may want to check this out
http://news.com.com/Microsoft+advises+

5 Most Incredible Theories from the Da Vinci Code
http://www.thetoque.com/top_five_plus_five_more/20060517/most_incredible_theories_from_the_da_vinci_code_movie.html

While you are there try more Canadian Humour
http://www.thetoque.com/top-five-plus-five-more/

Every Lego lovers dream is to be one of these lucky few
http://news.com.com/Clash+of+the+Lego+masters/2100-1043-6075376.html

(check out the photos)
http://news.com.com/2300-1043-6075333.html?tag=nl.e703

The final results are:
http://news.com.com/Legoland+champ+triumphs+in+trial+by+fire-and+ice/2100-1043_3-6076019.html

Mike sent this link showing the most common spoof /
hoax emails
http://www.snopes.com/info/whatsnew.asp

The origins of the term Gandy Dancer
http://blues.about.com/od/blueshistory/a/aa061001gandy.htm

One Planet with many people - visual evidence of our
changing climate
http://www.na.unep.net/OnePlanetManyPeople/

OpenStreetMap is a free editable map of the whole world.
It is made by people like you.
http://www.openstreetmap.org/

Remember Origami? Here are Roses and if you look at
the related files there are more origami projects
http://www.wikihow.com/Fold-a-Paper-Rose

Want to teach the kids about their teeth? Even some
games on this site
http://www.adha.org/kidstuff/index.html

Join the Great Backyard Bird Count!
http://www.audubon.org/gbbc/index.shtml

Anyone ever tried this download site? It's one of the Net's
biggest sites for for swapping movies, music, software and more.
http://www.thepiratebay.org

Creepy food photos
http://www.hanttula.com/exhibits/freakyfood/index.htm

Wacky Patent of the Month
http://colitz.com/site/wacky.htm

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beautiful weather here in New York. Isn't it a
lovely, sunny Spring? It was so nice today that Al
Gore said, 'Hey, this global warming's not so bad.'"
~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My kids just don't understand my logic. They
fail to see why they have to go to bed when I'm
tired." ~~ Erma Bombeck

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Cell phones are now the number one distraction
to California drivers. That's pretty amazing
considering the other distractions - like fake
boobs and drive-bys." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In a speech, Hillary Clinton compared President
Bush to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. ... After
hearing this the president said, 'Finally a literary
reference I can understand.'" ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A high school in Vail, Colorado has become the 1st paper-
less wireless and textbook free school in America.
Everything in the school is done electronically. Like
even when the teachers have sex with the students they
do it on the Internet with a webcam." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's graduation time in New York City and many of
the students here are honor students. Yes your honor,
no your honor, not guilty your honor."
~~ Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands
with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow
road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown,
too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be
hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S"in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept
drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

If Walmart keeps lowering their prices as they say they
do, why can't I find the free stuff?

Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything
differently.

Madness takes it's toll...Please have exact change.

Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People
Have

Save your breath, you might need it to blow up your date.

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

If ignorance is bliss you must be orgasmic.

I solved my drinking problem.I joined A.A. I still drink,
but now I use a different name to do so.

Before you criticize someone...walk a mile in their shoes
that way if they get pissed you'll be a mile away and
they'll be barefoot.

Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My
Hand

Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do
Not Have Film

Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into
Jet Engines.

What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling
Out.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's
gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict
pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict
pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you
call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage
you did while trying to change out a light socket with your
handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the
damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary
few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down
behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and
dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on
a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes
off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard
with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you
to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so
that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of
electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal
to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging
complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint
off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that
you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique
the job you're doing or offer advice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his
children and immediately started to assemble it with all
the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.
After several hours of reading the directions, attempting
to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and
called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old timer came over, threw the directions away, and
in a short while had the set completely assembled.

It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together
without even reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old timer, "I can't read,
and when you can't read, you've got to think."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things to tell our children about the "golden age" of the
Internet:

1. We were so poor, we had to read our email by candlelight.

2. Our town was so small, the electronic superhighway was a
Japanese transistor radio.

3. Times were very tough for us. We could only afford
"Internet-in-a-Bag." And we were grateful!

4. We were at such a remote site, our hardwiring was battery
jumper cables connected to a CB radio.

5. Our gopher had fur.

6. Our connection was so slow, it took weeks to upload every
new Yanoff's guide, which was out of date faster than we got
it.

7. Our web site was in the top left corner of the kitchen
cupboard, but at least it caught most of the flies.

8. "FIDO" was what chewed the cables.

9. "Prodigy" was the Sears Catalogue Outlet in town.

10. We were so poor, our IRC host was Mrs. Finebaum, the
switchboard operator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You might be from the Northwest if You...

* Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

* Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

* Know more than 10 way to order coffee.

* Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

* Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

* Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the
"Walk" signal.

* Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently

erupted, it's not a real mountain.

* Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best
Coffee, and Veneto's.

* Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye
salmon.

* Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon,
and Willamette.

* Consider swimming an indoor sport.

* Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and
Thai food.

* Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

* Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

* Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state
of mind.

* Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see
through the cloud cover.

* Say "the mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you
can actually see it.

* Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but
still wear your hiking boots and parka.

* Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the
socks on.

* Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

* Knew immediately that the view out Frasier's window was
fake.

* Buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the
old ones after such a long time.

* You measure distance in hours.

* You use a down comforter in the summer.

* You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a
raincoat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A JIGSAW PUZZLE

1. Don't force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will
come together naturally.

2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Every-
thing will look different when you return.

3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on
the little pieces only leads to frustration.

4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went
together bit by bit, piece by piece.

5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be
sure to come back later (see #4).

6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a
guidebook.

7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors
and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.

8. Working together with friends and family makes any task
fun.

9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of
security and order.

10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some
matches are surprising.

11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even
little ones).

12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great
puzzle can't be rushed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Kristen for these:

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always
told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his
blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative,
and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains
came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the
detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA
tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a
suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough
without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again,
for having a great product!

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a
child from birth to18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a
middle income family.

Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college
tuition.

But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into:
* $8,896.66 a year,
* $741.38 a month, or
* $171.08 a week.*
That's a mere $24.24 a day!*

Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't
have children if you want to be "rich."

Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your $160,140.00?
* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites.
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the
boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:
* finger-paint,
* carve pumpkins,
* play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, and
* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:
* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
* watching Saturday morning cartoons,
* going to Disney movies, and
* wishing on stars.*

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under
refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle
wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for
Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for
Father's Day.

For a mere $24.24 a day, there is no greater bang for your
buck.

You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs,
and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always
gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the:
* first step
* first word
* first bra
* first date, and
* first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree, and if
you're lucky, a list of limbs in your obituary called
grandchildren and great grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal
justice, communications, and human sexuality that no

college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God.

You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the
monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a
slumber party, ground them forever, and love them
without limits,

So . . one day they will, like you, love without counting
the cost.

That is quite a deal for the price!

Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!

The best investment you'll make.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this:

Men Are Just Happier People...

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December
24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Kim for these:

If you are easily offended by jokes of a religious nature
STOP READING NOW! Because the following few might
upset you. I will state that I was raised Catholic and I'm not
offended by any of these as I am a firm believer in humor
having many benefits and am wise enough to know that we
can not live a healthy life if we are always taking things
too seriously.

You found God? If no one claims him in 30 days, he's yours.

The only trouble with Baptists is that they don't hold them
under long enough.

Blessed are the Fundamamentalists, for they shall inhibit
the earth.

Jesus loves you...but then again so does Barney.

Jesus saves...passes to Moses...he shoots...and he scores!

Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable prizes.

Get a taste of religion...Lick a witch.

I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures.

If going to church makes you a Christian does going to the
garage make you a car?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates