FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 24

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 24 July 24, 2006

Redneck wiener roast pic
http://pixclix.com/Kasi/weiner1.jpg

"Call it Chagall in the stall, Picasso in the powder room.
Anyone who uses the public restrooms inside a replica of
the 1880 train station in this southwest Ohio village will
be treated to a display of original paintings on the walls..."
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/07/22/D8J1CRQ00.html

Did you know that Amazon has free MP3 downloads?
Here is one from Charlie Musselwhite but if you enter
blues into the search box there are 248 more options
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0000638YK/102-6420693-9416902?n=468772&s=digital-music&v=glance

Sorry to hear that Sweet Sammy Myers has passed away
http://www.sweetsammyers.com/

Last week we also lost Jessie Mae Hemphill another of the
early blues musicians with a distinctive style
http://www.jessiemaehemphill.com/

Anyone tried these flavor sprays that mimic the taste of
high-cal foods but have no fat, calories or carbs?
http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1129517-4,00.html

Did you know that if you boil the potatoes ahead of time
and refrigerate overnight before making potato salad it
can help neutralize the starch's blood-sugar effects
They also suggest changing the dressing from mayo to
vinegar and olive oil to make it even healthier but
let's not get crazy here.

If you like lists to keep you organized here are some printable ones
http://organizedhome.com/printable/index.php

Geography Mind Twisters
http://www.richmond.edu/~jwight/geog.htm

Jigsaw puzzles online
http://www.jigzone.com/

Try this new game of Maze Frenzy
http://www.mazefrenzy.com/

Or this one, Block Frenzy
http://www.blockfrenzy.com/

Or this one, Fridge Words
http://www.fridgewords.com/

Hard to find food items
http://www.mybrandsinc.com/ShopOnline/catalog.asp

If you have seen the My Coke Rewards commercial you
should check this out, it tells more of the story:
http://livinlavidalocarb.blogspot.com/2006/06/mycokerewards-contest-impossible-to.html

It's part of a low carb blog
http://livinlavidalocarb.blogspot.com/

This was interesting to test male vs female traits in the
brain. The information you enter in the test is anonymous
and cannot be linked to you.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/print/science/humanbody/sex/add_user.shtml

Learn American Sign Language. This is the Michigan State
University's ASL Browser web site, an online American Sign
Language (ASL) browser where you can look up video of
thousands of ASL signs & learn interesting things about them.
http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm

It's hysterical but not for the easily offended and DON'T
open this at work - Mad Cow thanks to Anita
http://shadow-corp.net/images/PissedoffCow.swf

On to the chuckles:

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"Life is too short to drink the house wine" ~~ Helen Thomas

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"Two rules get you through life: If it's stuck and it's not
supposed to be, WD-40 it. If it's not stuck and it's supposed
to be, duct tape it."

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If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day,
so I never have to live without you.~~By Winnie The Pooh

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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I
can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~~ George Burns

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I always turn to the sports page first. The sports page
records people's accomplishments; the front page
nothing but man's failure. ~~ Chief Justice Earl Warren

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It can be counter-productive to beat a willing horse
and it just may come around to bite you in the end.
~~ Sheila

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Writings On the Wall

Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

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Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue?..

and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT

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The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by
children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad
spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired
of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the
ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire
by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history
they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray
by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the
ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat
the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit
adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

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Heavenly Voice Mail Most of us have now learned to live
with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you
ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping
other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important
to us and we will answer it in the order it was received.

Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press

5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial
area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by
the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and
other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for
the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for
today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a
religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance,
please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

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Like most puppies, mine is not finicky about what he puts
in his mouth. He eats anything. But the day he swallowed
a quarter, I panicked and called the vet.

"What should I do"? I pleaded over the phone.

My extremely laid-back vet answered calmly, "Swallowing
a quarter is nothing to worry about. But if he does it
again and a can of pop shoots out the other end, give
me a call."

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A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a police-
>man. Several months later, a friend asked him how he
liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay stinks and the hours are lousy,
but what I do like is that the customer is always wrong."

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The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home had
a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care
of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" the friend asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked
again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly
explained her major worry:"Every close friend I ever had
has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're
all wondering where I went."

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Thanks to Kim for this one

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty
years ago? We went behind this very tavern ,where you
leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there
again and we can do it for old times sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very
good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to
all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've
got to see These two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he
follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support,

aided By Walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts
her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans
against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the watching Policeman
has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally,
they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned some-
thing about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour
of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to
their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing.
I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes,
he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence."

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Thanks to Andrea for these:

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer
negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities
that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the
higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item,
pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife
and asks her to go upstairs, put it on,and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer
that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but
I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep
the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the
balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500,
they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

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Thanks to Andrea for this one

1. HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping
with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset
at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept
quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said
nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply
smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.

I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we
got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to
bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my
surprise he responded to my caress and we made love,
but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't
know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are
with someone else. My life is a disaster.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2. HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but
at least I got laid.

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Thanks to Kim for this one

A married couple are driving along a highway doing
a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the
wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and
speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road
ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try
and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and she's a
far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering
wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to
55 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says
insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he
continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the
bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive
concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks
her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled
voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

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Thanks to Anita for this one

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is
hilarious.

From a show on Canadian TV. there was a black comedian
who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest
thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now look at him... his wife works, and he don't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be
stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton
Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie
in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in
Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one.

" The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to
tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe
it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only
President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
---ya gotta love it

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Thanks to my sister for these blonde jokes

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a
bench talking...... and one blonde says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away...Florida or
the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo,
can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She
tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it
for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my
license and then today you expect me to show
it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the
river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and said that her body hurt wherever she
touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast
and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed
even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise
she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car
on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded
to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking
one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first
on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you
idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed
on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you
are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you
hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or
off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE
JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names
were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming
dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're
watch dogs!"

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates