FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 25

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 25 July 31, 2006

Hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go (or is that I owe, I owe.)
Really beat tonight so this will be the short version with
another issue coming out in two weeks.

The 2006 ViewSonic Long Beach Dragon Boat Festival will
be held at Marine Stadium in Long Beach on July 29-30, 2006
http://www.lbdragonboat.com/

Attached to some of the jokes was an announcement for
the First Annual Paramount Blues Festival, on September
23, 2006 at Lime Kiln Park in Grafton, Wisconsin
"Bringin' back the blues"
http://www.graftonparamountbluesfestival.com/

Try this interactive site to keep your math skills up to par
over the summer. Take the quiz. If you answer the question
correctly, the result will be a basketball shot animation and
incorrect responses yield the correct answer. Verbal skills
and maps have been added as well.
http://www.scienceacademy.com/BI/

Wondering what's going on in the rest of the world? Today's
Front Pages offers "372 front pages from 39 countries
presented alphabetically." Each day when you read your
morning paper, you can also enjoy papers from across the
globe.
http://www.newseum.org/todaysfrontpages/

If you haven't listened to any podcasts yet this may
be a great place to start. At least the content should
be accessible and coherent which is a plus:
http://www.podcastawards.com/

Quick Guide to TV on the Net
http://pulverblog.pulver.com/archives/005088.html

You have access to free long distance online if you have
broadband
http://www.freeworlddialup.com/

Links to some great cooking and recipe sites
http://www.elise.com/recipes/archives/002021learning_to_cook_round_up_5.php

Cool gadgets from Wired.com
http://blog.wired.com/gadgets/#1527225

How to improve your digital age technology
http://wired.com/wired/archive/14.08/howtointro.html

I don't usually suggest games or puzzles you have to pay
for but they do have a free trial download
http://games.arcamax.com/game.htm?code=110104840&Refid=3008

Printable coloring pages, games
http://www.womansday.com/default.asp?section_id=43

More online printables for organizing yourself
http://www.pocketmod.com/
http://www.dextronet.com/swift-to-do-list-lite.php
http://projectsimplify.com/freebies/
http://www.primasoft.com/deluxeprg/template.htm
http://organizers-collection.com/downloads/mcat/aorganizers.html
http://www.thehomeschoolmom.com/gettingorganized/planner.php
http://www.100inventory.com/
http://www.ababasoft.com/cdorganizer/
http://www.yourbestcatalog.com/
http://kristensguide.tripod.com/Organizing/Home_Organizer/
http://lifesaverlists.com/
http://www.ehow.com/how_134457_create-household-organizer.html
http://easyspreadsheets.stores.yahoo.net/
http://organizedhome.com/content-36.html
http://www.freestickynotes.com/
http://www.nch.com.au/notes/index.html
http://www.chaosmanager.net/
http://www.jockersoft.com/english/jenius_index.php
http://www.mechcad.net/products/acemoney/index_lite.shtml
http://simadcom.atw.hu/
http://www.adrianboeing.com/mp3organizerhelp.html
http://www.recipecentersoftware.com/

On to the chuckles:

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In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism
it's your count that votes. ~~ Mogens Jallberg

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"This Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go
to the White House to meet with President Bush. That's
pretty cool, isn't it? Imagine an awkward Southern guy,
who nobody thought could win anything, sitting down
with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks." ~~ Jay Leno

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"You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself
once, and move on." ~~ Homer Simpson

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"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch
with it. " ~~ Lily Tomlin

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"A federal judge has ordered O.J. Simpson to pay $25,000 in
damages for pirating satellite television signals from Direct
TV. O.J. insists he�s innocent and said he will continue to
look for the real pirates." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T...

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp
(marijuana) paper

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will
bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of
the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy
Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red
eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong
parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and
sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system;
a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into
the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark
to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww)

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because
he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper'and
'lower' because in the time when all original print had to
be set in individual letters, the upper case'letters were
stored in the case on top of the case that stored the
smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at the same time hence multi-tasking
was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during
World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter
Pan there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him
10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it
instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
"Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest
amount of money in coins without being able to make
change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back,
you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list
was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your
wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a
record player for automobiles. At that time, the most
known player on the market was the Victrola, so they
called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories
to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin
with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from
crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being
the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they
go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages
it. I NEED TO REMEMBER thiS!

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J.
Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama
Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America
willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they
haul her fanny off to jail."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists
can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales
People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical
equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting
anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine
three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join
the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join
the Mafia."

The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?"

"No." Artie answers.

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia,
or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

"I'm not gonna pay you." the guy says.

Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody,
tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay
you a dollar."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" Artie replies and heads off on
his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old
lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life,
goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her
to death. The bag boy sees it, and chases after him. Artie
realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around,
grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE
CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's So Hot In Here...

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of
the ground.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep
them from laying hard boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to
drive your motorcycle.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face
shield.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade
instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.

No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a
vinyl motorcycle seat!

Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook
to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather
than the need for gas.

Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend
time mowing but it is still too hot to ride.

You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow
it.

The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL
receive a black eye.

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Reasons You Won't Be Participating in the Summer Olympics

Your mastery of the parallel bars doesn't include the
ability to escape from behind them.

The IOC still hasn't forgiven you for what you did in the
pool at the last Olympics.

Launching Chee-tos from your nostrils for distance, while
impressive, is not considered an Olympic event.

Although you've mastered the forward flip from the garage
roof onto a burning table of fluorescent bulbs, you're pretty
sure the 10-meter platform officials will insist on water
landings.

The kind of fencing you specialize in gets you a one-way
ticket to Attica, not Athens.

Other training programs: 10 percent inspiration, 90
percent perspiration.

*Your* training program: 10 percent perspiration, 90 percent
prescription.

Your seeing-eye dog keeps fetching the javelin and
bringing it back to you.

You can't even climb out of the pool without Greenpeace
guys showing up to push you back in.

Sure, you excel at the shot put, but only the shot-put-in-
front-of-you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the first camping experience for Ron. As soon as
he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods.

In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp,
bleeding and disheveled.
"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.
"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Ron.
The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't
deadly."
"Listen," groaned Ron, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-
foot cliff, he is!"

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Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on
a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day.
I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe
in half for our individual plates.

We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful. We never
even felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight and not losing
it, I checked the recipes again.
There in fine print, it said, "Serves 6."

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates