FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 31

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 31 November 23, 2006

My ecard for you on Thanksgiving
http://www.marlo.com/find/326/10/5523839.html

Heading out on my holiday visit to the PA kids so I had to
check the TSA list of do's and don'ts for air travel
http://www.tsa.gov/press/happenings/9-25_updated_passenger_guidance.shtm

Need help with the Thanksgiving bird or crafts? Plenty of fun
stuff for the kids and Turkey hotlines here:
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/THANKSGIVING.html

Thanksgiving ecards
http://www.bhg.com/bhg/category.jhtml?categoryid=/templatedata/bhg/category/data/ecard_Thanksgiving.xml

Decorating the Tree with Cats
http://www.fluffytails.ca/christmas.asp

When I saw this I thought, what a great thing to share! How to
save a wet cell phone. I wonder if this works with any other wet
electronics? Wiki How has many awesome how to ideas:
http://www.wikihow.com/Save-a-Wet-Cell-Phone

A new exhibit at the Guggenheim in NYC had an unexpected
problem when this Goya was stolen during transport
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/14/AR2006111400254.html

"Children With a Cart" was to be seen here but there are plenty
of other Old Masters including El Greco and Picasso in the exhibit
http://www.guggenheim.org/picasso/index.html

I was reminded of a great place to eat in Chicago recently.
Starting as a hot dog place in a trailer in 1963 by spring
2007 in several states there will be 33 Portillo's Hot Dogs,
10 Barnelli's Pasta Bowls, 1 Key Wester Fish and Pasta
House and Hemingway's Bar, 1 Luigi's House and Julian's
Piano Bar and 1 Catering company for a total of 46 units
and employing over 3,500 employees.
http://www.portillos.com/

Jeeves Volleyball - play with two butlers volleying a
teapot back and forth.
http://www.armorgames.com/games/jeevesvolleyball_popup.html

Bad Speller Take one of the 5 quizzes and see how bad
you really are.
http://www.badspelling.com/

On to the chuckles:

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"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.
They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take
twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
-- Erma Bombeck

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"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I
invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we
had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took
their land." -- Jon Stewart

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If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
~~ Jimmy Buffett

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"Have you heard of the turducken?
It's very popular for Thanksgiving. It's a chicken stuffed
inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey. In Asia they call it
the bird flu trifecta." --Jay Leno

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“Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.”
~~ Tom Wilson

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“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock
star or an opera diva.” ~~ Josh Groban

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“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the
one I've never tried before.” ~~ Mae West

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“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a
member of Congress. But I repeat myself”
~~ Mark Twain

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Thanks to Sheila for these Great Bumper Stickers:

IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The
Next Exit.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits with An Unarmed Person.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me Too.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For 70 mph

Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If Walking Is So Good For You,
Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Ax Me About Ebonics.

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down

Before He Admits He is Lost?

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

AND Finally
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED
OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

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Twas the Night of Thanksgiving
With apologies to Clement C. Moore, author of 'A Visit
From St. Nicholas'

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...
Happy eating to all! (Pass the cranberries, please)

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Signs You've Eaten Too Much

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags
around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man
17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift
in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you
to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire
department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a
halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

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The Rules of Eating Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're
eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home
from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take
the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of
the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will
jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually
counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives
make you look younger.
9. Q:Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics
Anonymous?
A: Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to
do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the
freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's
wrong with you?

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An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting
with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there
were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating
the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store
get together.

"Well, I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I never could catch the
darn thing!"

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her
family.

She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger"?

The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from
the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of
two sandwiches was better.

The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first
sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical
look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are
they both listed with the same price on the menu?"

To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to
the turkey."

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Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early
weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This
is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven
to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot
and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a
severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a
knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift
across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery
spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued
for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the
beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and
taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the
refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to
eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers
can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of
scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming
trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating
pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

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Thanks to Barb for this one:

Stolen in The Night
This is a heads-up to those friends who haven't experienced
it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who
have:

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person
whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well,
read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this
one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years
ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body
and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had
the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such
a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?

Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally,
hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life
in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck
again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang
because they took pains to match my new rear end
(although badly attached at least three inches lower than
my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.
Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic,
I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been
switched. One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched
horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung
to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really
getting scary.

My body was being replaced one section at a time.
How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to
creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was
being attacked repeatedly and without warning.

In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to
me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanks-
giving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the
medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake
up and smell the coffee.

That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.
You KNOW where they are getting those replacement
parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face
"lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs... and I hope that Cindy
Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every
town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had
stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone!
As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had
just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week! If you know
someone who would enjoy my newsletter, please send it to them,
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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates