FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 30

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 30 November 6, 2006

Don't forget to vote! If you don't, you can't complain about what
you get for government.

The Amazon flowed backwards
http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20061026/sc_space/amazonriverflowedbackwardsinancienttimes

If you are over run with books, here is a site that offers to buy
some of your books (I put in about 10 titles and it offered to buy
2 for not a lot but it was something) They pay postage!
http://www.mckenziebooks.com/cash4books/index.php

PC World offers the 25 Worst Websites!
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,127116/article.html

Was Houdini a spy?
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20061028/D8L1OS600.html

Make a Halloween Tree
http://www.ehow.com/how_2000499_Make-A-Halloween-Tree.html

For those who had too much Halloween
http://ftp.pcworld.com/pub/screencams/pumpkin1.jpg

PBS offers this site on volcanoes and megavolcanoes
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/megavolcano/

Amusing cartoons
http://www.animalshaveproblemstoo.com/archive.php

Need to check out the bling bling?
http://www.tiffany.com/

Cult and classic Science Fiction
http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/display.htm

Hollywood stories, locations, events & sound effects
http://hollywoodlostandfound.net/index.html

Some amusing files here (at the now defunct PIBMUG - Pasadena
IBM User Group site)
http://www.pibmug.com/files.html

Fun Things for your blog
http://www.blogthings.com/quizzes/

As we know the rich and famous get arrested and photoed.
Check out the mug shots here
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/index.html

I don't usually include special offers from vendors but this one has
a free voucher from Orbitz plus some cool vacation contests
http://www.tide.com/en_US/specialoffers/index.jsp

Thanks to Mike for the Doo Wop Horses, just click one two or more
http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

On to the chuckles:

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If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would
ever get done.
~~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

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"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
~~ George Bernard Shaw

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The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore
they attempt the impossible -- and achieve it, generation
after generation. ~~ Pearl S. Buck (1892-1973)

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When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
~~ Hunter S. Thompson

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Bush one liner from Kerry ~~ "Bush used to live in the state of Texas,

now he lives in the state of denial...

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"The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the
Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster,
which would be a first -- a disaster they were actually prepared
for." ~~ Bill Maher

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"Elections are coming and it looks like the Republicans are going to
lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures.
[on screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama
bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. Let me get this
straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again,
so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been
able to catch him for the last five years?." ~~ Jimmy Kimmel

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Now why is Kerry being attacked??

"I'm sick and tired of a bunch of despicable Republicans who will
not debate real policy, who won't take responsibility for their own
mistakes, standing up and trying to make other people the butt
of those mistakes," he said. "It disgusts me that a bunch of these
Republican hacks who've never worn the uniform of our country
are willing to lie about those who did." ~~ John Kerry
(But of course the news didn't jump on that quote.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.

Accept that somedays you're the pigeon, and somedays you're
the statue

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and
thought to myself - "Where the hell is the ceiling???"

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...

Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like,
you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's wierdo...

People in glass houses should always wear clothes.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

When ideas fail, words become very handy.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then
beat you with experience.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they
nail up pictures.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.

It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

Add life to your years, instead of years to your life.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Live such that when you die, even the undertaker will be sorry.

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Ways in Which College is Different from High School

17. In high school, you do homework. In college you study.

16. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In
college, food must be provided at an event before students
will come.

15. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder;
in college on both.

14. In college, the professors can tell you the answer with-
out looking at the teacher's guide.

13. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

12. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In
college, you get to live with your friends.

11. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In
college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes
don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the
classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.

10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-
talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever
talk with the professor.

9. In high school, fire drills are planned by the
administration; in college, by the pranksters from the dorms.

8. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of
your grade even than your high school final exams did.

7. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning,"
you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good
morning," you write it down.

6. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza
three meals a day.

5. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

4. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money
from Mom and Dad.

3. In college, when you miss a class or two or three, you
don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip...
.uh, sick that day.

2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's
not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because
you can't afford it.

1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists
like this.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

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One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The
friend recommended a kosher place nearby.

They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house
specialty: matzo ball soup.

The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup
suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So
he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly
liked it.

After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But
tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just
the balls?"

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A contestant on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" had reached the
final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she
would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would
pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

As she suspected it would be, the million dollar question was no
pushover. It read, "Which of the following species of bird does not
build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds"?

Is it: A.) the condor B.) the buzzard C.) the cuckoo or D.) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She was
double on the spot, because she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and
her audience poll lifeline. All that remained was her phone a friend
lifeline and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not
have to use it, because the only friend that she knew would be home
happened to be a blonde. But, the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly, "That's easy. The answer is
C, the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis
any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And,
considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the
logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded
with such confidence, such certitude that the contestant could
not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C, the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer"? asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the
answer is absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire! "

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family
and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the
million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am
now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was
your assuredness with which you answered the question that
persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you
happen to know the right answer"?

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil
before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I
washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and
asked, "Do I smell like olive oil"?

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye"?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal. As I
answered it, I was greeted with, "Is this Karl Brummer"?

Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who was calling.

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered
Freezer Company or something like that.

Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he
calling this number.

I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at
various angles and the blood smears."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he
had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because
we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a
summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he
knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about
one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers
were given in a shaky voice.

I then told him we had located his position and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody.

At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his
running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for
about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but it was the best
meal in a long, long time.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize that he must first deal with the problem on "this" side
of the road before it goes after the problem on the "other side"
of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid
he's acting by not taking on his "current" problems before
adding "new" problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,
which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of
having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,
which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so
that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like
the rest of the chickens.

George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed
the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of
the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There
is no middle ground here.

Donald Rumsfeld: Now, to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Anderson Cooper, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to
the other side of the road.

John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,
I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross and I was
misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now and will
remain against it.

Judge Judy: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty!
You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market
to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've
not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road
and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we
will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart
warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting
and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken. The platform is much more stable and will never ever,
ever reboot.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

Al Gore: I invented the chicken!

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:

Laura Bush bought Dubya a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick
Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to
mispronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that
he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

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Thanks to my sister for this one

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death
experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days
to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so
much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the
most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the
hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought
you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from
out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this!!!)

God replied, "I didn't recognize you..."

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Famous Love Story

I will seek and find you . .. .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when
I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

"The Flu"

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

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Thanks to Davi for this one:

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy,
cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished
but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious
ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune."Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half
the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman
takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:Women are clever and evil.
Don't mess with them.

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates