FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 5

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 5 February 6, 2007

With actual temperatures hovering around 10 below zero,
20mph winds, and wind chills hitting 30 something below
zero, I am huddled under a blanket and dreading getting
into the shower. But I gotta do it since the kids played with
bath foam and the tub has about an inch of it still in there.
I figure if I take a shower I may be able to coax it all down
the drain. I just know when I get out it will be too dang cold
in here. Don't even get me started on what the next heat
bill is gonna look like.

The master list of don't write, don't call lists
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/20/business/20money.html?ei=5070&em=&en=d344f7b8eb185d94&ex=1170651600&pagewanted=print

Rejected crayon colors
http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/crayons.htm

If you haven't discovered Wikihow yet they had a slew of
cool stuff this week (Google's home page offers Wikihow
of the day as an option.) Yes I am a big Google fan.
http://www.wikihow.com/Customize-Your-Cubicle-at-Work
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Chocolate-Bouquet
http://www.wikihow.com/Organize-Your-Desk
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Organized
http://www.wikihow.com/Create-an-Astrological-Chart

If you love languages this blog is dissecting idioms, their
literal translations, and their meanings
http://www.allabreve.org/insomniac/?p=666

Always fun and the best way to see nature when its -15 degrees windchill
http://www.nationalgeographic.com/index.html

Great cat links
http://www.keelerkom.com/links.html

Take a trip back in time when you look at these old pics
of Malls around America (Milwaukeans check out Southgate
circa 1966 on Jan 29 2007
http://mallsofamerica.blogspot.com/

This site is an online music studio that uses peer-to-peer
connections to eliminate lag times between live performers.
http://www.ejamming.com/

Find out what you did with your time quiz
http://www.wheredidthetimego.com/

Welcome to Road Sign Math, the newest driving road
game to sweep the country! Drive while improving your
math skills all at the same time!
http://www.roadsignmath.com/

Discover hundreds of little-known uses for well-known products,
by just clicking on a product!
http://www.wackyuses.com/uses.html

Fabulous Valentines ideas at Not Martha
http://www.notmartha.org/

On to the chuckles:

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"Starting tomorrow to improve his popularity President
Bush is going to jump up and down on Oprah's couch."
~~ David Letterman

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"To 'cc' or not to 'cc', that is the question." ~~ Unknown

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Criticism is prejudice made plausible. ~~ HL Mencken

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"The Supreme Court ruled that the government has the
right to seize your land. And today Native Americans
said, what else is new?" ~~ Jay Leno

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"The American Film Institute did a survey of the greatest
movie lines of all time. Do you know what was ranked #1 was?
Clark Gable in gone with the wind, 'Frankly, my dear, I don't
give a damn.' The least-popular movie line of all time?
'Popcorn and your small soda, that'll be $9.75.'"
~~ Jay Leno

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"Mattel has announced they are taking auditions for the role
of Barbie in a Barbie musical. This announcement answers
that old question - what could be gayer than Ken?"
~~ Conan O'Brien

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"Well the big story, the Los Angeles Police Department
announced they will no longer arrest famous people
who break the law. What's the point?" ~~ Jay Leno

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YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

In 1986 the National Park Service bought a half acre of
land in southwest Washington, DC, for $230,000. In 1988
someone discovered that the Park Service already owned
the land . . . they bought it in 1914.

When $122 million was allocated for an addition to the
Dirksen Office Building in Washington, DC, it went to give
the senators a THIRD gymnasium.

According to a 1989 report by the State Department Watch,
a private watchdog organization, the Department of State
issued eighteen thousand travel expense checks without
getting corroborating evidence for the expenses. One
check for $9,000 was issued to 'Ludwig van Beethoven'
whose Social Security number was listed as 123-45-6789.

$84,000 was approved by Congress for a project to discover
why people fall in love.
[They should have asked Frankie Lymon.]

During the 1980s Department of Defense efficiency experts
saved between $27 million and $136 million each year! How-
ever, the efficiency experts cost between $150 million and
$300 million each year.

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THE TODDLER'S RULES

* If it is on, I must turn it off.

* If it is off, I must turn it on.

* If it is folded, I must unfold it.

* If it is liquid, it must be shaken then spilled.

* If it is solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.

* If it is high, it must be reached.

* If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.

* If it is pointed, it must be run with full speed.

* If it has leaves, they must be picked.

* If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.

* If it is trash, it must be removed, inspected and
thrown on the floor.

* If it is closed, it must be opened.

* If it does not open, it must be screamed at.

* If it has drawers, they must be rifled.

* If it is a pen or pencil, it must write on refrigerator,
monitor, TV or table.

* If it is full, it will be more interesting empty.

* If it is empty, it must be more interesting full.

* If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.

* If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.

* If it is a paper, it must be torn.

* If it has switches, they must be pressed.

* If the volume is low, it must go high.

* If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn't stay
on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.

* If it is not food, it must be tasted.

* If it is food, it must not be tasted.

* If it is dry, it must be made wet.

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Simple Home Remedies

1.) A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.

2.) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. You will then be afraid to cough.

3.) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them
while you chop away.

4.) Gentlemen can avoid arguments with the Mrs.
about leaving the toilet seat up by simply using
the sink.

5.) For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut
yourself and bleed for three minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6.) Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the headache.

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Two Polish hunters from Chicago hire a pilot to fly them
to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six moose.

As they start loading the plane for the return trip home,
the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two men object strongly, stating, "Last year, we shot
six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he
had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane can't
handle the load and goes down a few minutes after they
takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Staslu asks Wladek, "Any
idea where we are"?

Wladek replies, "I think we're pretty close to where we
crashed last year!"

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The things Our Children Say

* "Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old grand-
daughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's
looking at me too hard."

* My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He
replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

* Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed,
"Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

* As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white
dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks
you're surrendering."

* Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a
baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he
has a mustache?"

* When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital
of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"

* While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing
so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we
shouldn't water it so much."

* My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going
to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's
going to the tire-o-practor?"

* Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend
complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly
responded, "I have words in my head I haven't even used
yet."

* His mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going
outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You
already have a son -- me!"

* When our son asked about two look-alike classmates
at school, we told him they were probably twins. The
next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said,
"Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!

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Interesting True Tombstones!

* Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-
Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car
was on the way down. It was.

* In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist -
All dressed up and no place to go.

* On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery,
Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die
Young.

* In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann,
who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767.

* In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The
children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them
manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil
sent him Anna.

* In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny
Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.

* In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the
body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the
brake.

* In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger but slow
on the draw.

* A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here
lies an honest lawyer, And that is strange.

* John Penny's
epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a penny.

* In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of
June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

* Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here
lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It
wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the
thing that made her go.

* On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan
Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled
out and went to God.

* To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To
follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went.

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Thanks to my sister for these:

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She
was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch,
totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every
time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put
on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her
husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?"
he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?"

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Thanks to Mike for this bit of fun - In Microsoft Word
type the characters inside the " marks "=Rand(200,99)"
then hit enter.

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Thanks to Sheila for this great music from Kenny Wayne
Shepherd: scroll down left side for video cuts:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=116636258

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
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http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates