FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 20

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 20 May 22, 2006

Is it time to take your nightlife outdoors? See what
CityGuide says are the best outdoor places to catch
a cocktail and people watch:
http://cityguide.aol.com/milwaukee/bestoutdoordrinks/main.adp?page=cb2006/

Check it out they are larger than life size
http://www.ohiobarns.com/othersites/largerthanlife/ltl.html

Frugal Traveler from the NY Times "My Goal Is to Go
Around the World in 90 Days on the Cheap"
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/17/travel/17frugaltraveler.html

Ever thought about the map upside down (with North at
the bottom? Here are some interesting ones
http://www.flourish.org/upsidedownmap/

Webby Award Winners and nominees here:
http://www.webbyawards.com/webbys/current.php?season=10

Quite an interesting site about stones here:
http://www.galleries.com/default.htm

Video game reviews for parents with frequency
ratings for violence, sexual content, language, and
drug use; providing families with the tools they need
to make informed media decisions.
http://www.parentpreviews.com/html/games.shtml

The Diet Soft Drink Information Center is an information
portal offering a variety of resources all related to
diet soft drinks.
http://www.dietsoda.org/

Is Ceramics your craft of choice? Here you have sites,
articles on ceramics, online gallery, glaze recipes,
bulletin board, and book reviews.
http://www.ceramicstoday.com/

Little known truths about our past
http://www.truthisfalse.com/

English Dictionary in Limerick Form
http://www.oedilf.com/db/Lim.php

And an Encyclopedia of "Toons"

http://www.toonopedia.com/

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laughter is an instant vacation.~~ Merlin Berke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there
are some fantastic pictures." ~~George W. Bush

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Senate voted to make English the national language
of the United States. The vote drew protests from
several immigrant groups and one governor of
California." ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of
yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he
will make a fool of himself too.
~~Samuel Butler

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men
everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have
another beer.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.
They rented out my room.

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for
me at kick boxing.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

How many roads must a man walk down before he
admits he is lost?

He who laughs last didn't get it.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on
the shore like an idiot.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly,
she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother
saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay,
as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that?
I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own
convenience. You did write, didn't you"?

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell
convenience, so I made it risk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things We Can Learn From a Dog

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
face to be pure ecstasy.

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

- When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

- Take naps and stretch before rising.

- Run, romp and play daily.

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

- Be loyal.

- Never pretend to be something you're not.

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
by and nuzzle him or her gently.

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady
tree.

- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire
body.

- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

- Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me
while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm
bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the
carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Do it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark.

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the
couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky
toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in
a little circle.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate
was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. I am not one of them, so the question is, how long
before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll
do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails
will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young,
we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside
worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I work for an entertainment company that has about 150
stores. We run servers in the back office that connect out
to terminals that the associates use to ring sales. This
is probably the worst call I had to field in two and half
years of tech support.

Her: "Umm, my thingies aren't up!"
Me: "Your thingies aren't up"?
Her: "Yes, my thingies aren't up!!"
Me: "Ok, calm down. What exactly are you talking about"?
Her: "The thingies! You know, the thingies that have wires
coming out of them!"
Me: "Do you mean the cash registers?"
Her: "I guess."
Me: "Are you talking about the thing that looks like a
small TV screen. The place you ring up sales"?
Her: "Yeah! The TV thingies! They aren't up!"
Me: "Ok. What happens when you flip the switch on the
front of the monitor?"
Her: "Nothing."
Me: "Are all of your terminals blank? Like they're turned
off"?
Her: "Yes. Everything looks turned off."

After ten minutes of checking power cords on one or two of
the terminals, her manager gets on the phone.

Him: "Why do you have my associate messing with the
terminals"?
Me: "Because she called and asked for help."
Him: "Well, I don't know who you think you are, but you
will not tell my associates what to do!"
Me: "Well, sir, if you want this problem to get fixed,
I'll have to talk to someone."
Him: "No! From now on, we'll fix our problems by ourselves,
we don't need your help anyway!" (click)

Riiiiinnnnnnngggggg.

Him: "Yeah, I need some help. The last idiot I talked to
didn't know what he was talking about."
Me: "Well, sir I'll be glad to help."
Him: "Nothing is working."
Me: "Does any of the equipment in the backroom have
power"?
Him: "Hold on. No. Nothing has power. This entire side of
town has been blacked out since 3:00 a.m."
Me: "Sir, I need you to take the monitor from terminal one
and move it to terminal four, then take terminal six and
move it to terminal one."

There is a long wait while he lugs the terminals around.
It's not a pleasant task, because of all the dirt and dust
that builds up.

Him: "Ok, I'm done. What now"?
Me: "Well, first, I was the 'idiot' you talked to before.
Second, a man who doesn't realize that computers need
power to work has no real right to comment on someone
else's intelligence, does he"?
Him: "Uhh, bahh, uggh." (click)

The actual time I spent with the manager on the phone
was about 20 minutes. I got written up, but it was worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark
has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon
on the sin of lying."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours"?

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again later in
the week.

"The usual"? asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That
will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change out of your pocket every time"?

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning
the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich"?

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a
tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like He made me. He
just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then
they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's
moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other
stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess
would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say No
to drugs and Yes to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my
Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking
cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to,
because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the
stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more
to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just
go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring
them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the
real power, because that's who you got to ask if you
want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without
medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I
think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what
would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room
clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it
was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible
eyes on the back of her head.

--Answers from 2nd graders.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Operating Systems Were Beers
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener,
and requires you to read the directions carefully before
opening the can. Originally came in an 8-oz can but now
comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided in 8
compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of
people are going to keep drinking it after it's no
longer available.

Mac Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now
comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light"
beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from
the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not
on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
are told that "you don't need to know". A notice on the
side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.

Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a
16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that
you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to
drink several DOS beers simultaneously, but in reality
you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially
slowly if you are drinking Windows Beer at the same time.
Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows
Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink
several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink
Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat
slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you
open them, even if you shake them up. You never really
see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer: The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can,
but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz
cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz
of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer
and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look
at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that
came in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims
that this is an entirely new brew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know You're a Mom When...

- You automatically double knot everything you tie.

- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do
the dishes.

- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store and you start
to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However,
your children are at school!

- You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots
mixed with applesauce.

- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is
taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

- You get so into crafts that you contemplate writing a
book called "101 Fun Crafts To Do With Dryer Lint and
Eggshells."

- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only
to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the
ones you pushed up on your head"?

- You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband,
enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you
realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his
steak.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the market in the turmoil that it is, these mergers
may not be too far fetched...

1. XEROX and WURLITZER
(They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and
HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS
(The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR
(MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE
(Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL
(Honey, I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING
(Mine All Mine)

9. 3M, JC PENNEY and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY
(3 Penney Opera)

10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS
(Poupon Pants)

11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR
WOMEN
(The new company will be called Knott Now)

12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

13. NETSCAPE and YAHOO
(Net n'Yahoo - the Israeli branch)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. -
If not, just have fun!

Here we go!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the
top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh,
some people don't know.)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup
label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have
letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your
right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or
white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? (Don't
look at that dial!)

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or
clockwise? (Get out of the bathroom!)

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15 How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or
left side?

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's
missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that
adjusts the opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2
symbols bear no digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

________________________________________

ANSWERS

1. Bottom

2. 50

3. Right

4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black & gold

5. 1, 0

6. Right

7. 20

8. Red

9. 87.7

10. Clockwise (north of the equator)

11. From lower right to upper left

12. 12 (there is no #1)

13. Left

14. Clockwise as you look at it from the front.

15. 8

16. Left

17. 5

18. 6

19. Bashful

20. 8

21. Ace of spades

22. Left

23. * and #

24. 3

25. Counter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living
in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than
casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services
will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket
is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the
churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby
Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are
taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming, did you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Kristen for this one

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are
flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles,
and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out
the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could
throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10
people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says,
"Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out
the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot,
"Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could
throw the three of them out the window and make
56 million people really happy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for this one

A pastor is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It
reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he
drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another
sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are
for real......

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a
stone building with a small sign next to a door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What
may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly doing business with one of the
sisters."

The man is led through a labyrinth of passages and is
soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs,
"Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the
large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and
slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him...
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
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If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 19

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 19 May 16, 2006

I don't know why but I still feel like I am playing catch up.
Maybe it's because after the rummage sale I brought the
stuff into my dining room (which I have to walk through).
Plus I found another box of Avon I found in the garage,
and I actually ordered some too and that was delivered.
Those are also sitting in the dining room and various
spots are set up for photos just waiting for good light.

The weather has been gloomy so that doesn't help either
in the energy department. Got some photos taken one day
when we actually had sun, so more is being added to my
store all the time. Hoping to see more sun soon but we
sure have had our share of gray days lately.

Thanks to Andrea for this message to our online friends
http://www.frontiernet.net/~jlbeam/specials/friend/friend.html

From Mike who says this is mildly amusing comes this
animated editorial cartoon (a parody on the Wizard
of Oz) that I think is pretty clever
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-waltflash5,0,5531570.flash

Also from Mike Promoting democracy one pint at a time.
144 chapters in 40 states plus DC.
http://drinkingliberally.org/

Also from Mike this Bush parody of Beatles tune "I am
the Eggman" (with sound)
http://decider.cf.huffingtonpost.com/

Thanks to Erin Know your serial killers and computer
programmers…it's a quiz!
Click here: malevole - Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer?

Many Thanks to Erin for the PMS Blues - This is hilarious
and actually being sung by "Dolly Parton" (loud if at work
so turn it down or wait till later)
http://www.badgirl1.com/PMS.htm

Listen to Blues online 24/7
(If you don't love Blues you have a hole in your soul.)
http://isumedia01.ilstu.edu/wgltblues

For those who like to listen while they surf a podcast
station with some interesting content
http://www.podcastpickle.com/

I confess I didn't note who sent this to me but it's
cute (it has loud music so turn off your sound or don't open
it at work) and so true about my online friends.
http://www.frontiernet.net/~jlbeam/specials/friend/friend.html

From Muppet Studios at Movie.com comes the elderly gents
from TV's "The Muppet Show", who turn their attention and
tongues to motion pictures with bi-weekly reviews.
http://movies.go.com/moviesdynamic/muppets/index

I watched Food Finds on the Food Network this weekend
and wow it gave me a tremendous idea: why not look for
the local delicacies or plan your food stops for your next
road trip? Then visit them instead of ending up at the next
fast food joint down the road. Since we are paying so much
for gas now, make it a quality trip. This was the episode
I saw which offered way more than pies. There are yummy
food gifts and recipes in their websites.
http://www.foodtv.com/food/show_fi/episode/0,1976,FOOD_9962_34933,00.html

More episodes for dining delights here:
http://www.foodtv.com/food/episode_archive/0,1904,FOOD_9962_164,00.html

I found some fabulous recipes to add to my food blog
http://bluesbabys-rants.blogspot.com/2006/05/southern-homemade-apple-pie.html

Well I looked here since it's Vidalia Onion Time but would
you believe they have an Onion of the Month Club?
http://www.sweetonionexpress.com/

It looks like the time may be running out for the patriarch
of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints, or FLDS, Warren Jeffs who is on the Top 10 Most
Wanted List now. If you have not followed this story it is a
sad tale of polygamy often without the consent of either
party, they are ordered into it by this man some call a
prophet and others a devil. The church owns everything
from the homes they live in to the children (particularly
young girls) and exercises control of them on a whim.
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-sect13may13,0,3726675.story?track=tothtml

You know the thing that kills me about Republicans is their
"what, who me, I didn't do anything wrong" attitude even
when caughtred handedd! See this fine example:
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20060512/D8HIA6EO3.html

Best blues clubs around the country
http://blues.about.com/od/liveblues/tp/tpbestclubs.htm

Do you have a secret you need to confess?
http://www.yoursecretconfession.com/

Fantasy Coffins - ya gotta see it to believe it
http://www.makezine.com/blog/archive/2006/04/homemade_fantasy_coffins_from.html

Ever wonder what amount and when to tip?
http://www.tipping.org/TopPage.shtml

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I've got seven kids, the three words you hear most around
my house are: "Hello, goodbye, and I'm pregnant."
~~ Dean Martin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in
the world is done by children."
~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Finally a beautiful day. It was so hot today I was
sweating like a Kennedy trying to get car insurance."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The head of the Fraternal Order of Police said it
took Patrick Kennedy 19 hours to come up with an
official explanation. Which may sound bad, but it still
beats his dad's record by two hours, so it's pretty good."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after
the car crash on his sleeping medication. I believe it's
called Jagermeister." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his
best moment since becoming president. You know the sad
thing, a lot of historians would agree with that."
~~ Jay Leno
BTW Bill Maher did a bit on his latest HBO series about
thisallegedd 7.5 pound perch when the largest perch ever
recorded was 4.3 pounds, so Bush lied about that too!
He advocates impeaching Bush for lying about this fish.
Adding him to the ranks of presidents impeached for
absolutely no good reason.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

** FAMOUS LAST WORDS **
* I'll get a world record for this..
* It's fireproof.
* He's probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury,
so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million
to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
Shh! Be very, very quiet ... I'm hunting forebears.
I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a
few bad apples.
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
Many a family tree needs pruning.
Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control
That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards
My family coat of arms ties at the back ...
is that normal?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life Rules For Teenagers
Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average
teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a
day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often
you decided they must be the most idealistic generation
ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids,
they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your
self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to
accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-
esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair.
(See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out
of high school. And you won't be a vice president or
have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a
uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til
you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to
be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask
you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping.
They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed
making minimum wage either. They would have been
embarrassed to sit around talking about Fifty Cent all
weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up,
you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my
life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent
proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's
on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like
a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as
boring as they are now. They got that way paying your
bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell
them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you
save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of
your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your
bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't
get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you
to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get
a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a
sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes,
minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually
have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends
will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for
them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain,
school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll
realize how wonderful it was to be kid.

Maybe you should start now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games
10. Musical Recliners

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

8. Hide and Go Pee

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

6. Doc, Doc Goose

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

4. Kick the Bucket

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

1. Sag, You're It!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Drugs on the Market

St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious
for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how
awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't
wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two
full cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting.

Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country
western music.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters
by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls,
is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up
phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Laws of Cartoon Physics

I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space
until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps
off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters
in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances
to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion
until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot
from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that
only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards
their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton
called this sudden termination of motion the
stooge's surcease.

III. Any body passing through solid matter will
leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phen-
omenon is the speciality of victims of directed-
pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who
are so eager to escape that they exit directly
through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-
cutout perfect hole. The threat of skunks or
matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

IV. The time required for an object to fall
twenty stories is greater than or equal to the
time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt
to capture it unbroken. Such an object is
inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.

V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for
a shock to propel them directly away from the
earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually
to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the
crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who
is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need
never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several
places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-
and-claw fights, in which a character's head may
be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation
at several places simultaneously. This effect is
common as well among bodies that are spinning or
being throttled. A "wacky" character has the option
of self-replication only at manic high speeds and
may ricochet off alls to achieve the velocity
required.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls
painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others
cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has
baffled generation, but, at least it is known
that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
surface to trick an opponent will be unable to
pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter
is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
follow into the painting. This is ultimately a
problem of art, not of science.

VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is
impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths
than the traditional nine lives might comfortably
afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but
they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of
blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap
back, or solidify.

IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and
opposite revengeance. This is the one law of
animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large. For that reason, we need
the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. Examples
too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Signs of a Frustrated Parent

1. Your children know how to read HTML code but can't
operate a vacuum cleaner.

2. Your children tell you that you said "yes" and you don't
even remember the question.

3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a
good time.

4. Your spouse asks how your day went and you rate it on
a scale of 1-10 repeats of "stop that!" or "no!"

5. You can't remember the last time you didn't have to
share your drink.

6. You mistakenly tell the kids it's "sanity" time when you
meant to say "bed" time.

7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you
begin to feel that it's out to get you.

8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign
there's about to be trouble amongst the children.

9. It's finally your turn on the computer and "Touched by an
Angel" is just coming on.

10. You go to sleep with "I'm bored" or "I'm hungry" still
ringing in your ears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five Feline Haiku
1.You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

2.The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.'

3.In deep sleep, hear sound.
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

4.Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

5.You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore
my Sitting on your hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

I promise, you cannot read these and not laugh out loud!
These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee
school district. (spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take pe
today. Please execute him.

Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and i
had her shot.

Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28,
29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from jim today.
She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday
he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out
of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing foot-
ball. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has
been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse ray Friday from school.
He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He had (Diahre, Dyrea, Direathe), the shits.
Words in ( )'s were crossed out].

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse jimmy for being.
It was his father's fault

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday
as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda.
She has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her
sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother
had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the
best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming
for better education for our kids!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Jim for this one
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed
an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the
distance, figuring the wind direction and speed--
driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking
so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me
from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this sad but true tale
The Joys of Swimsuit Purchases

This is a true story written by a woman in England to
her friend after a swimsuit shopping expedition. "I
have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture
and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit."

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for
a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman
with a mature figure - boned, trussed, and reinforced,
not so much sewn as engineered. It was built to hold
back and uplift, and it did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-
pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice. She can either front up
at the maternity department and try on a floral suit
with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus
who escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander
around every run-of-the-mill department store trying
to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a
designed range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice
did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice,
and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting
room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile
strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in
bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to
launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the
added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself
into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The
reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged
the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my
bosom had disappeared!


Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left
armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I
located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra
cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosoms
spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned
my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full-view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right,
but unfortunately, it only fit those bits of me willing
to stay inside it.

The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom,
and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing
undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all
those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales
girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh, there
you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied
that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to
show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like
a lump of masking tape and a floral two-piece which gave
the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged
frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with
triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number
with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I
tried on a bright pink pair with such a high-cut leg, I
thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit . . a two-piece affair
with shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It
was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.
My ridiculous search had a successful outcome.

When I got home I found a label that said, "Material will
become transparent in water."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are easily offended its time to close this
email but thanks to Erin for this one:

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name
and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol
also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also
called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil
is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government
experts,it recently announced that it has settled on
the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It
will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's
research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away
there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are easily offended its time to close this
email but Thanks to Mike for this one too:

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a
drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old
ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over
her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of
condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very
delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com
with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 18

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 18 May 8, 2006

So tired and sunburned. Had our community rummage
sale this weekend, Friday was pretty cold but Saturday
was lovely. Was a much better time financially too :-)
Today is catch up day although I have been trying to
do that for week.

I am afraid today I will have to finish the Cosmos in
the fridge. That's my idea of a Martini. What's yours?
I know Sheila thinks the plain Gin Martini is the only
answer so the following tips from Carole Leib are for
her or anyone else who likes them:

For a WET martini, use 1 part extra dry vermouth to
2 parts gin. The type of gin in not important, because
this is not a good martini anyway.

For a DRY martini, use a splash of extra dry vermouth,
swirl it around in the glass, spill it out, and fill the
glass with a GOOD quality Gin (BOMBAY is my choice:it is
the best, but Tanqueray and Beefeaters are acceptable)

For an EXTRA DRY martini, fill the glass with a chilled,
excellent gin, and whisper 'vermouth' gently over the
glass. This is the best.

Garnishes should also be discussed: some people like
lemon peel. I find this dominates the delicate flavor of
the gin, and I don't use it. Some people like cocktail
onions. If used, the drink is called a 'Gibson", not a
martini. The onions should be tiny pearl onions and
should be rinsed before using them in the drink. Some
people prefer the classic olive. This is my choice.
HOWEVER, avoid the pimento-stuffed olives: they, too,
dominate the flavor of the gin. My choice is a plain,
pitted olive OR -- best choice -- an almond-stuffed
olive. Again, the olives should be rinsed before being
put into the gin.

The gin should be chilled by keeping the bottle in the
refrigerator, served over ice (for those who like the
drink slightly diluted), or quickly stirred with ice
and then poured into those wonderful 1920s retro
martini glasses.

Thanks to Andrea for these tips - To Lease or Buy?
A noble question, for sure. But the answer really depends
on your situation. Buying is often a cheaper option for the
long term. Still, if you like a new car every couple of years,
you may be better off leasing. Here are four questions to
help you make your decision:

1. How many years will I have this car? If the answer is
three or less, you're better off leasing. At four you could
go either way. More than four, buy.
2. How many miles do I drive annually? If it's more than
15,000, you ought to buy. Leases usually figure on mile-
age of 12,000 to 15,000 a year. Drive more than that and
you'll pay an additional 10 to 15 cents per mile. Ouch!
3. Do I take good care of my car? Be honest. If you're the
kind of person who never misses an oil change and avoids
curbs at all costs, you'll be fine when it comes time to
return your leased car. But if not, buy. Otherwise, you
could find yourself looking at a hefty bill for "excessive
wear and tear."
4. Do I use my car for business? If yes, you may want to
lease.

Pollen season bothering you?
http://www.pollen.com/Pollen.com.asp

How about mold allergies
Milwaukee
http://www.milwaukeesinus.com/

Mold count elsewhere
http://www.aaaai.org/nab/index.cfm?p=pollen

More on allergies here:
http://www.walgreens.com/library/contents.jsp?docid=002229&doctype=1&ec=hn254_allergens

More on the difference between colds, flu, and allergy:
http://www.walgreens.com/library/careguides/careguide.jsp?docid=000041&doctype=28&Subcontents=Allergy&ec=hn254_allergycold

You may want to add this recipe site to your bookmarks
http://www.walgreens.com/library/recipe/default.jsp?ec=hn254_recipefile

Find out what happened on any date (like a birthday or
anniversary) includes prices and wages.
http://www.dmarie.com/timecap/

A science news site
http://www.scienceagogo.com/

WalMart tries to corner the market on smileys. They are
fighting it out in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office
against Franklin Loufrani, a French native who has earned
millions in licensing fees on smiley's back since the
early 1970s, when he began securing trademarks for the
happy face. He set up a company in London, to police its
use called SmileyWorld Ltd.
http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-smiley7may07,0,5724644.story

Alternatives to the traditional smiley
http://www.albertchau.com/funstuff/joke_mrmen.asp

While you are there try his office invader game, shoot
rubber bands at the IT and HR people before they get
you with "trouble tickets" and "pink slips".
http://www.albertchau.com/funstuff/game_officeinvader.asp

Which sports car are you quiz:
http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar/

Mike recommends this music site Remembering Rock and Roll
Artists Of The '50s, '60s and '70s.
http://www.classicbands.com/

Mike recommends this Chicago Blues Tour for Memorial Day
http://members.audiogenerator.com/postcards/?7380400X1166

Money Saving Tips on European Travel from the NY Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/23/travel/23affordable.html

The Internet's first national charity-driven Thrift Store
Directory with a comprehensive online magazine with
feature articles as well as running series and columns.
http://www.thethriftshopper.com/

Interesting site on carousels
http://www.ourfaircarousel.org/america

This looks like it might be fun for the Milwaukee or Wisconsin folks
http://www.onmilwaukee.com/boards/ubbthreads.php?Cat=

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Please excuse the mess, we live here." ~~ Roseanne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people." ~~George Carlin

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"Today President Bush said global warming is happening much
quicker than he thought, but then his staff pulled him aside
and told him, 'It's just spring time.'" --Jay Leno

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"When I'm good, I'm great, when I'm bad - I'm better!"
~~ Mae West

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Well-behaved women seldom make history.
~~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

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I'm not difficult to please, I'm always happy with the
best. ~~ Sir Winston Churchill

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In victory you deserve Champagne, in defeat you need it.
~~ Napoleon Bonaparte

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!
~~ Mae West

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Do one thing every day that scares you.
~~ Eleanor Roosevelt

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

It can be counter-productive to beat a willing horse and
it just may come around to bite you in the end.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your
mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead
giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she
thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "Without You, we are but dust "

He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change)
leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

(Church was pretty much over at that point.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...


You call your young apprentice, "Junior"

Your landspeeder has a gun rack.

You call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.

You have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.

Your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

You can describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or
bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over
t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.

You have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum
skeeters.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer
so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You've used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon.

You feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light
side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to
Chewbacca.

You use your lightsaber as a bug zapper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpful Tips for Idiots
* Don't throw a brick straight up.
* Don't take naps in the road.
* Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
* Don't microwave yourself.
* Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the
floor of your house.
* When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame
to see if it's sufficiently hot.
* Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot
on a cactus is bad.
* If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!"
don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms
and duck.
* No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay
on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
* When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on
the flat end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Rejected Titles For Saddam Hussein's New Novel

10. The Da Vinci Goat.

9. Of Lice and Men.

8. I'm Okay, You're Uday.

7. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sand.

6. Inspectors Turn up no Evidence that Herbie was Ever
Fully Loaded.

5. Mahmoud Potter and the Goblet of Hummus.

4. Kuwaiting for Godot.

3. Along Came a Spider Hole.

2. Sunnis are from Mars, Shiites are from Venus, Americans
are Infidel Pig Dogs.

1. The Brotherhood of the Traveling Underpants.

[Courtesy of the Late Show with David Letterman]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Camping Tips

* Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out
the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

* A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an
excellent hockey puck.

* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wild-
erness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from
the elastic waistband of your underwear.

* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite
makes excellent kindling.

* It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on
a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 4-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up.

As the doctor examined her ears he said, "Ohh, I see Big
Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down
her throat.

"Wow! I see Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.

As he listened to her heartbeat, he said, "I think I hear
Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl corrected. "Jesus is in my heart.
Barney is on my underwear."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science
& Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and
someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

Republican-to-English Dictionary

In case you've been having trouble recently in deciphering
speeches and news reports:

alternative energy sources /n./ New locations to drill for
gas and oil.

bankruptcy /n./ A means of escaping debt available to
corporations but not to poor people.

"burning bush" /n./ A biblical allusion to the response of
the President of the United States, when asked a question
by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about
non-issues.

Cheney, Dick /n./ The greater of two evils.
class warfare /n./ Any attempt to raise the minimum
wage.

climate change /n./ Progress toward the blessed day
when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism /n./ Poignant concern for
the very wealthy.

creation science /n./ Pseudo-science that claims George
W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally
coincidental.

DeLay, Tom /n./ Past tense of De Lie.

extraordinary rendition /n./ Outsourcing torture.

faith /n./ The belief that the Beatitudes (statements made
by JC) include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the
warmakers."

free markets /n./ Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer
expense.

girly-men /n./ Males who neglect opportunities to grope
unwilling women.

God /n./ Senior presidential adviser.

growth /n./ 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich.
2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made
according to Definition 1.

healthy forest /n./ No tree left behind.

honesty /n./ Lies told in simple declarative sentences
e.g., "Freedom is on the march.").

House of Representatives /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee:
$1 million to $5 million (See: Senate).

insanity /n./ See: staying the course.

laziness /n./ When the poor are not working.

leisure time /n./ When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s) /n./ Followers of the Antichrist.

No Child Left Behind /riff./. There are always jobs in the
military.

ownership society /n./ 1. A civilization where 1 percent
of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.
2. A political system in which all power is in the hands
of the owners.

Patriot Act /n./ 1. Pre-emptive strike on American
freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them
first.
2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

pro-life /adj./ Valuing human life up until birth.

Senate /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30
million.

simplify /v./ To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course /interj./slang./ Continuing to perform
the same actions and expecting different results (See:
insanity).

stuff happens /interj./slang./ I don't have to live in Baghdad.

voter fraud /n./ A significant minority turnout.

woman /n./ 1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child
but can't betrusted to decide whether or not she wishes to
have a child.
2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her
reproductive functions made by men with whom she
wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and
its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great
questions and answers are from the days when game show
responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and
(often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host
asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should
do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out
and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say
"I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a
twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less
with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are
you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie:Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in
the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in
the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid
of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting
Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horse-
radish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your
wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its
sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to
him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes
in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you
should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas
rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working
cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with him.
Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor
George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what
a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country
road and you come across a fence post with a turtle
balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. "You know he didn't get there by
himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to
do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb
shit get down."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from Chicago, another from Kentucky and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he
says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials,
$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials,
$300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans
over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Chicagoan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me
and we hire the guy from Kentucky."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
one and asked him to forgive me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates