FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 13

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 13 March 27, 2006

Well it's almost here so I thought I would share the origins
and pranks of April Fools Day:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_Fool

Try some April Fool Recipes
http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/cat/553/0.shtml


Top 100 April Fool Pranks of All Time are here:
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/

Try this Histories Greatest Hoaxes Quiz
http://www.historychannel.com/exhibits/hoax/hoax.html

Links to more funny pranks from last year
http://www.urgo.org/aprilfools.html

Tricks and pranks on the net
http://www.2meta.com/april-fools/


I started off with their April page but the whole site
is useful with holidays listed, religious and otherwise.
It also shows famous literary birthdays (Shakespeare
and Hans Christian Andersen both were born in April).
It's slanted to the UK traditions but still helpful.
http://www.woodlands-junior.kent.sch.uk/customs/questions/specialdays.htm

April Fool's gone awry
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/12/28/D8EPIGQG0.html

April Fool's cards
http://www.all-yours.net/c/xgallery/aprilfool1.html
http://www.123greetings.com/events/april_fools_day/
http://www.greetsomeone.com/april/fool.htm
http://www.freewebcards.com/cards/aprilfools/index.shtml
http://www.ecardology.com/april_fools/april_fools.html


Ancient glass making
http://www.unc.edu/courses/rometech/public/content/arts_and_crafts/Susan_Hampton/Roman_Glass.html

Ever wondered about Watergate? You can find out most
of the story now that the Freedom of Information Act
has opened the records
http://foia.fbi.gov/foiaindex/waterga.htm

The source of the leak to the Washington Post was known
as Deep Throat. Here is a long awaited interview with him:
http://www.vanityfair.com/commentary/content/articles/050530roco02


Engineering with pennies - they build amazing structures
with these pillars of coins and chips.
http://www.fincher.org/Misc/Pennies/


Thanks to Mike for this blues site for budding musicians
http://www.desktopblues.lichtlabor.ch/

Great music site although you must register. Since 1995
they have covered all music genres with critiques of
albums and artists, biographies, style descriptions, AMG
ratings and picks, a database of out-of-print recordings,
plus facts about albums or artists, including title, tracks,
genre, label, credits, release date, cover and artist images :
http://www.allmusic.com/


A Stupid Person's Guide To Life
http://rinkworks.com/brick/


Makeover the Mona Lisa (this is fun)
http://www.drcomenge.com/apothia/default.html


For the nature enthusiast or the Iron Man there is an
adventure race in Australia this June. More details:
http://www.gar.com.au/geoquest/geoindex.htm


Outdoor Living enthusiast may enjoy this set of video
articles and ideas. They do need your speakers on to
be effective so if you can't listen now save this for later.
http://www.living.com/


Seinfeld Quotes
http://www.pkmeco.com/seinfeld/


The adventures of Hi Monkey. Ya gotta see it to
appreciate it.
http://www.himonkey.net/index2.html


Check out this amusing blog of Pinkie a confirmed shop-
aholic, shoe fiend and mom:
http://princesspinkysplattitudes.blogspot.com/


Follow the lives of this family with triplets who are 7
months old now
http://www.voidstate.com/blog/


Birth, life and loss of one of the 3 micro preemies,
born January 7th. With amazing grace this writer
shares their story.
http://gharaiblets.blogspot.com/


Another online game site:
http://www.addictinggames.com/

Collect all the beer and head for the exit
http://nitrovortex.com/beermonster/index.html

More free games
http://gametownamerica.com/
http://www.coolbuddy.com/games/default.htm


OMG watch this one
http://bestfunnypics.blogspot.com/

About life in Japan as an ESL teacher
http://kristenjapan.blogspot.com/


LMAO not for FOTW
http://jokesandhumoronline.blogspot.com/

http://www.myheritage.com/FP/Company/face_recognition.php?s=1&u=g0&lang=EN&restore&category=1

For ebooks
http://www.womensarticles.com/article_37915_24.html

Single TV Dads Hall of Fame
http://www.tvdads.com/tvdad.html

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Always carry a corkscrew and the wine shall provide
itself." ~~ Basil Bunting

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Supreme Court has ruled that medicinal marijuana
use is illegal. That ought to teach those people to come
down with cancer!" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his
friends went to the funeral in one car." Steven Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

~~ Ingrid Bergman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There are so many scandals now they're all starting to
run together. Last night I fell asleep watching the news
and I had a nightmare where I dreamed a Georgia bride
ran away to the Neverland Ranch so she could secretly
meet Paula Abdul and have a three way with Pat O'Brien."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This is wonderful weather we are having. It's a beautiful
spring, everyone is in a great mood. As matter of fact
over at St. Patrick's I saw the priests loading their Super
Soakers with holy water." ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In Middlefield, Ohio, they opened an Amish Wal-Mart,
a Wal- Mart catering to the Amish community. The
Amish people say it's the greatest thing since unsliced
bread." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lyrics Misinterpreted by Kids...

* God bless America thru the night with a light from a
bulb!

* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come
from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!

* Give us this day our deli bread!

* Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the
Whole East Coast.

* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.

* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.

* He carrots for you.

* Yield Not to Penn Station.

* Dust Around the Throne.

* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him
all creatures, HERE WE GO

* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him
names.

* While shepherds washed their socks by night.

* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Blondes, living in Arkansas were sitting on a bench
one evening when one asked the other, "What do you
think is farther, Florida or the moon?"

The other blondes give her a puzzled look and replies,
"Helloooooooo--Can you see Florida?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...
(especially when you share the same major!)

PSYCHOLOGY Girl accuses boy of just using her as a
substitute for his mother.

SOCIOLOGY Each claims to have been oppressed in the
relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY One tries to bury the past, and accuses
the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATRE "OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS Both resign themselves to the fact that what
goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19,
and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES "HE did it!"

BUSINESS Both decide that they're spending way too
much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be
single.

HISTORY Each party argues the breakup was caused by
something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY Both people decide to simply move far
away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS One party demands more than the other
can supply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the
place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to
break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone
would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the
first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz
chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows
about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the
blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and
then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old
man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord,
play a Jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that
he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band
around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place
apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of
his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz
chord, play a jazz chord!" Well now truly irritated that
this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability.
Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up
here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of
the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Signs Your History Teacher is Incompetent

10. Class motto: Locate a State Capital...do a shot.

9. Thinks Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta.

8. You're pretty sure Ben Franklin didn't invent bungee
jumping.

7. Believes the mafia to be responsible for the fall of the
Roman Empire.

6. Allows you to cite Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman as a
source in your Old West term paper.

5. Thinks Prozac was responsible for bringing the nation
out of the Great Depression.

4. Focuses exclusively on how marshmallows changed
history.

3. Washington didn't defend the US against the British
Invasion of the 1960's.

2. Tells you that Columbo landed in America and
discovered the pilgrims.

1. Identifies Napoleon as the guy who figured out how
to keep different flavors of ice cream from running
together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.

For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot..

May I lie back and not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,

Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?).

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!).

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?).

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

Author Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ron was terribly overweight, so his doctor put
him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you will have lost at
least 5 pounds."

When Ron returned, he shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you
follow my instructions?"

Ron nodded. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got
lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find
a way out. He had not eaten anything during this
period and was famished.

Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He
killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a
couple of park rangers happen to find him at that
very moment, and arrested him for killing an
endangered species.

In court, he plead innocent to the charges against
him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle
he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled
in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man,
"I would like you to tell me something before I let
you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever
plan on it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross
between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this quiz:

http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html

you've got to try this! the results are amazing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this one:
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama
is still alive," Osama himself decided to send
George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain
a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice.
Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they
sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the
FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With
no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked
Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with
this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the
message upside down."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So my daughter Cheyenne, being a very intelligent 2 year
old, decided to do something constructive with her nap
time. She decided to clean her fish tank and her room.

She took a box of kleenex from the dresser and began to
dip the kleenex in the fish tank water and wash the tank,
inside and out. This became slightly problematic when
the kleenex got sopping wet and began to disintegrate.
That did not phase her too much because she had a
WHOLE box to work with. She just shook off the broken
pieces, threw the shreds on the floor and in the tank and
kept going. Hard workers never stop until the job is done!

Then, after cleaning the tank and leaving the fish with lots
of fluffy white clouds to play with and try to eat in their
tank, she decided to clean the dresser where the tank was,
since it had gotten kind of wet in the fish tank cleaning
process.

Since it had worked fairly well so far, she took more of the
never ending box of kleenex and began to sop up the spilled
water, washing all along the dresser as she went. After that
job was done, she left the blobs of kleenex on the dresser so
she could find them later for further use. Waste not, want
not!

She then addressed the floor, which had gotten pretty wet
while she was cleaning her dresser. She took, yet again,
more of the oh so plentiful puffs plus and made her way
across her entire bedroom floor leaving bits of disinte-
grated kleenex everywhere, along with the fresh clean
smell of stagnant fish tank water. She was very careful
not to miss scrubbing the little flower area rugs, and that
was hard work with wet kleenex! Somewhat problematic,
but not impossible.

After that she took a break from all her hard work and
had a little fun jumping on her bed with her sopping wet
clothes. Even the hardest workers get to rest a little, you
know. Then she took the remaining kleenex, got it wet,
and threw it so it would stick to stuff. It was pretty cool.

Kleenex is the most amazing product, it sticks to stuff so
well when it is wet, and it almost bonds to it when it dries...
kind of like a pulpy gloppy sort of glue. I think she might
have tried to build something with it, just to test it's
structural stabilty, I'm not sure I could not identify the
object she was working on when I came in.


Eventually, as all parents do, I came upstairs to check on
my sweet little sleeping angel child and found my surprise.
Three hours later after I washed the child, scolded the
child, put the child back to bed for her nap - in another
room altogether, cussed and hollered at the fish and the
walls, washed her clothes, cussed out the wash machine,
washed the floor, cussed out the throw rugs, washed the
sheets and blankets, again cussed out the washer and the
dryer both for their participation in this event, cleaned
the dresser and drawers that had gotten some of the
special scented cleaning solvent in them, and scooped all
the fluffy white clouds out of the fish tank one small ity
bity piece at a time, I decided to post this email with the
following ad for to local paper.

WORK WANTED:
LIVE IN house keeper looking for work. Available to
start today! Great with pets! Makes her own cleaning
solutions! Loves to wash floors and dust furniture!
Very into recycled products! Creative cleaning is her
motto! Not able to drive so please be prepared to pick
her up with all her belongings. A large dump truck might
be a good vehicle to try.

Please call. Cheap, Cheap, Cheap rates!!! Make an offer
today! Really, we mean it, please call.
(no substitutions or exclusions, no return policy, soap
optional, we are not responsible for any loss of paper
good products you may experience or any loss of
aquatic life)

Yes, you may forward this to anyone with children. Or
anyone interested in our want ad. Especially anyone
interested in our want ad. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one:

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up
nicely with picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts,
along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and designed for swimming when it
was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond
and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He
grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As
he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he
made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women
shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch
you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the
pond naked."Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to
feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to
an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!
Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 12

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 12 March 21, 2006

Yesterday was server problems and something here on
Blogger was wrong too, so I finally gave up. So it's Tuesday
Fun On The Web this week.


Finally the Supreme Court stepped up to the plate in
support of the environment.
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/03/17/D8GDMHCO0.html


Miramax prop auction underway, many items sold but
still more out there:
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZpremiereprops5QQhtZ-1


If you love the wacky eBay auctions try these sites:
http://buyweird.com/
http://www.junkeemonkee.com/
http://auctionswatchers.com/
http://www.dumbauctions.com/
http://www.strangebids.com/
http://www.wayoutauctions.com/
http://www.whattheheck.com/ebay/
http://www.whowouldbuythat.com/
http://weird-cool-auctions.com/

<<<<<<<<(((((((({{{{{{{{@}}}}}}}}))))))))>>>>>>>>

I'm sure there are a zillion more, but now it's time to get
to my eBay store to check out the new jewelry, vintage
Avon, collectibles, and kids gift items there! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

<<<<<<<<(((((((({{{{{{{{@}}}}}}}}))))))))>>>>>>>>


Kinderstart is a search engine dedicated to all things
related to kid's education, health and development -
check it out!
http://www.speechteach.co.uk/p_resource/parent/kinderstart.htm


Over the years I have used a lot of different search engines
and we all have our favorites but sometimes you need more
so keep a few of these in your bookmarks for when you want
to keep searching for something online.
http://www.noodletools.com/debbie/literacies/information/5locate/adviceengine.html
http://www.gahooyoogle.com/
http://www.dogpile.com/
http://www.alltheweb.com/advanced
http://www.ask.com/#subject:askpg:1
http://www.snap.com/index.php


Wisconsin Symbols
http://www.legis.state.wi.us/senate/scc/kids/facts.htm


Bookmark for converting time zones
http://www.timezoneconverter.com/



From FoxNews
Dion DiMucci, known simply as Dion, is a seminal character
in the history of rock 'n' roll. Now Razor & Tie Records has
picked up his blues album, "Bronx in Blue," for release. If
you're under 40 and have no idea who Dion is, he's the man
who gave us "The Wanderer" and "Runaround Sue." Young
New Yorkers couldn't know this, since CBS/Infinity stupidly
and cruelly shut down WCBS FM. But Los Angelenos still
have K-Earth 101 FM, thank goodness...


Another Bluesman passes, this one the creator of Mali
Blues from Africa and he had just won his second Grammy
this year in the traditional world music album category
for “In the Heart of the Moon”.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4792452.stm
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/11748515/


Women's History Month
http://www.gale.com/free_resources/whm/


Did the 2006 Bloggies announce yet?
check here:
http://2006.bloggies.com/


Some of the contenders for Best (fill in the blank). They are
not all here because I have featured many of them in a
previous issue of Fun on the Web.
http://www.random-good-stuff.com/
http://www.yarnharlot.ca/blog/
http://www.notmartha.org/
http://www.treehugger.com/
http://www.domesticgoddess.ca/
http://www.makezine.com/blog/
http://johnsthing.blogspot.com/

I don't know why its funny, it just is (apologies to those
who don't think so)
http://youcantmakeitup.blogspot.com/2006/02/block-stock-and-barrel.html


Women who Blog
http://blogher.org/


Blogs at the 100 largest newspapers
http://journalism.nyu.edu/pubzone/blueplate/issue1/top100.html


World Wind lets you zoom from satellite altitude into any
place on Earth. Leveraging Landsat satellite imagery and
Shuttle Radar Topography Mission data, World Wind lets
you experience Earth terrain in visually rich 3D, just as if
you were really there.
http://worldwind.arc.nasa.gov/



Free Beauty Tips Articles
http://beauty-tips-free.com/sitemap2.php



Handy biorhythm calculator
http://www.bio-chart.com/



Do you like Sauerkraut? Recipes here from Franks:
http://www.sauerkrautrecipes.com/



Play games online at NBC
http://www.nbc.com/Games/

More free games
http://www.gamesloth.com/
http://www.freegamesjungle.com/
http://totallyfunfreegames.com/Destination/CategoryPage.aspx?tag=Free.Games

Wisconsin Games
http://www.legis.state.wi.us/senate/scc/kids/newpage1.htm


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it
would have taken the fire department four days to put
it out. ~~ Dolly Parton

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
~~ Gloria Steinem

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes
by chance." ~~ William Shakespeare

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Reality is whatever refuses to go away when I stop
believing in it." ~~ Philip K. Dick

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God may have created man before woman, but there is
always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?
I don't know and I don't care. ~~ William Safire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clues That You Might Be A Geek

You tend to save power cords from broken appliances.

You once took the back off your TV just to see what's
inside.

You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something
other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

You rotate your screen savers more often than your
automobile tires.


Your I.Q. is a higher number than your weight.

Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you explain
atmospheric absorption theory to him.

You ran the sound system at your senior prom.

Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.

You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your
own handwriting.

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

You own a slide rule, and you know how to use it.

You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.

You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine,
but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.

People groan at the party when you pick out the music.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
controllers.

You think that people around you are yawning because
they don't get enough sleep.

You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...
and your kid in the overhead compartment.

You've tried to repair a $5 radio

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and
chocolate.

You know what "http" stands for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Universal Laws of Computing

For every function, there is an equal and opposite
malfunction.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though
you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand
your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of
the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

To err is human... to blame your computer for your
mistakes is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found
to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just
fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer
solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do,
but rarely what you want it to do.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had
gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake
over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half
of it at dinner.


The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to
another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman
went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of will-
power, and how she knew her husband would be
disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her
husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake
and ate half!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the wise company president learned that his
employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis
during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch
hour, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers
to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde is complaining to her friend about the bad day
she'd had at work. Her boss had suffered a heart attack
and died.

Her friend said, "How horrible! What did you do?"

The blonde shook her head. "There was nothing I could do.
He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me
the rest of the numbers..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four women were driving across the country. Each one
was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and
New York.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started
pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the
window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just
sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears
of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just
sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and
pushed the New Yorker out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these:

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing
squad in a small Central American country.

Bill Clinton is first placed against the wall and just
before the order to shoot him is given, he yells,
"Earthquake!"

The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over
the wall to escape in the confusion.

Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall. The
squad is reassembled and Al ponders what his old boss
has done.

Before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, "Tornado!"
Again the squad falls apart and Al slips over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the
wall. He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just
scream out a disaster and hop over the wall."

As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles are
raised in his direction, he smirks and yells, "Fire!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

23rd Qualm

Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.

He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.

He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.

He restoreth my fears.

He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace
for his ego's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution
and war, I will find no exit, for thou art in office.

Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they
discomfort me.

Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence
of thy religion.

Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.

My health insurance runneth out.

Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow
me all the days of thy term.

And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it
down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says
the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't
stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy
between sobs. "I can't do anything right.

I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my
boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen
and I have no insurance.

I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered
my wallet was still in the cab!

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put
an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
damn poison."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today Is National Mental Health day! You can do your
bit by remembering to send an e-mail to an unstable
friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete
Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later
discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested
trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning
press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed
that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious
al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes
go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They
use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselvesas 'unknowns,' but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer
Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every
triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine
that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs,
who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.
Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere
of influence.

Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root,
make our point, and draw the line." The President warned,
"These weapons of math instruction have the potential to
decimal everything in their math on ascalene never before
seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and
begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader
would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is
uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days
are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Adrea for these:
You may not know this but many non-living things have
a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a
while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc
if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-
inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course,
there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable
and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be
male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know
the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz
Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 11

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 11 March 13, 2006

Both Blogger (where I store Fun on the Web both while
I am creating and in an archive) and Charter (my ISP and
the email I use to send this are acting up so this will be late
in the day and may well be short. It depends on how many
times I have to restart my computer.


Good news! Fats Domino Alive and Kicking
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/02/25/eveningnews/main1346150.shtml



Ladies please read about this rare form of breast cancer
http://www.snopes.com/medical/disease/paget.asp


SXSW gearing up for Music and Techies
http://news.com.com/Techies+get+set+for+Austins+South+by+Southwest/2100-1025-6048093.html?part=dht&tag=nl.e703


How do you play the blues in 2006?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/filmandmusic/story/0,,1721574,00.html


This seems appropriate this week: The Omnificent English
Dictionary In Limerick Form with 24,000+
http://www.oedilf.com/db/Lim.php?Word=blues


A blues dictionary: The AKA Blues Connection
http://www.geocities.com/blueskat2000/dictionary.htm

Or more words from Harry's Blues Lyrics Online
http://blueslyrics.tripod.com/blueslanguage.htm




Yummy cookies for Purim on my recipe blog
http://bluesbabys-rants.blogspot.com/2006/03/hamentaschen-for-purim.html



This is interesting: the 11 Most Endangered Places
http://www.nationaltrust.org/11Most/index.html


Critical fixes for Microsoft Office tomorrow
http://news.com.com/Microsoft+to+patch+Office,+Windows+flaws/2100-1002_3-6048003.html



Photos for the gadget geeks
http://news.com.com/Week+in+pictures+Gadget+heaven/2009-1040_3-6046343.html



News from the folks at Lego
http://news.com.com/Lego+robot+builders+unite/2100-1041_3-6046888.html
http://news.com.com/Lego+addicts+chase+their+dream/2100-1043_3-6048303.html

The pics to prove it
http://news.com.com/2300-1043_3-6048330-1.html


Thanks to Mike for these songs the year you were born
http://www.joshhosler.biz/NumberOneInHistory/SelectMonth.htm


Thanks to Peg for this game site from Nabisco
http://www.nabiscoworld.com/games/

Great games here
http://www.delphiforums.com/games/
http://www.sandlotgames.com/w4/



If a trip to Italy or for any reason you need a few Italian
phrases this is a great site

http://www.tiscali.co.uk/reference/phrases/italian/


Thanks to Davi for this funny site!
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/MSR2.htm

My sister sent this boredom buster
http://www.momready.com/articles/index.asp?Category=Boredom_Busters
"The next time your kids are climbing the walls with
"nothing to do" send them over to the window for a new
view...one they'll create themselves. Pop up pictures of
famous stained glass windows on your computer (see links
below), for your kids to see and then encourage them to
create their own works of art using Crayola Window
Markers."

"Used like a regular marker, your windows become a new
surface to highlight your child's artistic talents. Not only
for creating masterpieces, kids of all ages and can dress
up a window for the holidays (our windows were recently
covered in hearts for Valentine's Day) or can depict any
scene, character or message. Suggest your kids draw a
story or cartoon. Or turn up some music and have them
draw to the beat.These markers come in different widths
and colors sets, but the wide markers show up the best.
Make sure all caps are on securely when the kids are
finished because they will dry out quickly."

"Clean up is a breeze, just a little windex and it's gone...
time for another masterpiece. If only Notre Dame had
been created this easily."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Notre_Dame_de_Paris_rose_window_view_from_inside.jpg
http://www.metmuseum.org/explore/Tiffany/listsgw.htm
http://www.metmuseum.org/Works_of_Art/viewOne.asp?dep=7&viewmode=0&item=1980.263.4
http://www.nbm.org/Exhibits/past/2000_1996/Windows_Page.html

The Straight Dope on why we "corn" beef from Sheila http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mcornedbeef.html

MMM mmm Good recipes
http://www.mamashealth.com/recipe/veggie/

Mike sent this interesting site about your birthday
http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

About St Patricks Day from the Celtic Path
http://www.geocities.com/carrienjerry2002/StPatPage.html

Irish Coffee - The Original
Irish Coffee is indeed Irish. The Port of Foynes, which is
located in County Limerick, was a major hub for for air
traffic between the United States and Europe during the
30's and 40's. Travel was by Flying Boats.

One flight that took off in 1943, encountered some really
bad weather and turned back. The weather was equally
as nasty upon their return and the passengers headed
towards the terminal restaurant. Realizing how miserable
these passengers were, Chef Joe Sheridan grabbed a
bottle of Irish and prepared the comforting drinks.

Legend has it that one of the passengers asked, "is this
Brazilian coffee?", to which Sheridan answered, "No,
that's Irish Coffee."

The Buena Vista in San Francisco helped to bring this
renowned drink to the States in 1952. Owner, Jack
Koeppler, made his way to Ireland to learn the secrets
of Irish Coffee from the horses mouth; Joe Sheridan.
Thank you Jack! Today, the original drink can be had
at Shannon Airport in the Joe Sheridan Cafe Bar, where
a plaque honors the creator.

The Foynes Flying Boat Museum holds an Irish Coffee
Festival every year in August. It includes a parade, music,
a carnival, and The World Irish Coffee Championship.

Original Irish Coffee Recipe
1 jigger of Irish Whiskey
2 teaspoons of Sugar
Fresh Hot Coffee
Fresh Cream

Rinse your glass with boiling water, so it is good and hot
to start with. Add your Whiskey, Sugar & Coffee. Stir.

Using the back of a spoon, slowly pour the cream so it sets
on top of the mixture. Do not stir the cream into the coffee.
Traditionally, this is best sipped through the cream. The
fresher the cream you can buy, the better, too.

Irish Coffee has become Americanized, and mostly to look
more Irish. Lots of places will serve it with canned whipped
cream and drizzle Green Creme de Menthe over it. It looks
pretty, but it isn't authentic.

Nor does it enhance a good Irish whiskey!

Irish Coffee - Americanized
1 1/4 oz. Irish Whiskey
1/2 oz. Kahlua, Coffee
Whipped Cream
Green Creme de Menthe

Pour coffee over Irish whiskey & Kahlua
Top with whipped cream
Dribble Green Creme de Menthe over whipped cream.
Top with a cherry.



CBS Sports will offer out-of-market basketball games for
free online during NCAA March Madness. It's the fourth
year that CBS Sports will offer the mostly regional games-
-ones that wouldn't appear across the whole network.

Beginning with the first games March 16, there will be up
to 56 NCAA men's tournament games available on the
Web through the regional semi-finals. For the first three
years, including last year, it was a premium service through
the college sports site CSTV.com. This year, CBS has shifted
NCAA March Madness on Demand
http://www.ncaasports.com/mmod
to an ad-supported service in an effort to gain more viewers.

The move is in line with CBS' online strategy in news and
elsewhere. "We felt it was time to continue the evolution to
an ad-supported free model that will be the biggest growth
down the road," said Michael Aresco, senior vice president
of programming at CBS Sports.

In addition to the games, there will be streaming video
available of news conferences before and after the games,
as well as interviews with players and coaches. Games in
the Web viewer's local markets will be blacked out, much
as the NCAA tournament coverage. "What we're looking to
do is create as many platforms for our content as possible
as long as we don't see any significant erosion to CBS Sports,"
Aresco said. CBS Digital Media chief Larry Kramer said that
the announcement was indicative of what's happening in the
media industry and the maturing of broadband. "It's a major
step for us…This is a mass-market moment for the Internet
and for us," Kramer said.

Web sites involved include NCAAsports.com, which is the
NCAA official site that is produced by CBS SportsLine.com.
There also will be tie-ins with CSTV.com.
Story Copyright © 2005 Reuters Limited.
All rights reserved.



Saw this in my eBay Group "Blast From the Past"
From "The Best Baby Name Book in the Whole Wild World"
by Bruce Lansky"Ann Landers wrote about a couple who
has six children, all named Eugene Jerome Dupuis, Junior.
The children answer to One, Two, Three, Four, Five, and
Six, respectively!" Tonsilitis Jackson has brothers and
sisters named Meningitis, Appendicitis, and Peritonitis."
"A couple in Louisiana named their children after colleges:
Stanford, Duke, T'Lane, Harvard, Princeton, Auburn and
Cornell. The parents' names? Stanford, Sr., and Loyola."

"In 1979, the Pennsylvania Health Department discovered
these two first names among the 159,000 birth certificates
issued in the state that year - Pepsi and Cola."

"Zachary Zzzzra has been listed in the Guinness Book of
World Records as making 'the most determined attempt
to be the last personal name in a local telephone directory'
in San Francisco."

"One family which was not terribly successful in limiting
its expansion has a series of children called, respectively,
Finis, Addenda, Appendix, Supplement and Errata.

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of school, my parents would send a note
with me for the teacher that read: "The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There should be some things we don't name, just so we can
sit around all day and wonder what they are.
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If the police never find it, is it still a clue?"
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"According to a new poll, only one in four Americans can
name two of the five freedoms guaranteed by the First
Amendment. But more than half of Americans can name
at least two of the characters on The Simpsons. Hey, if
they ran the Constitution on TV eight times a day, we'd
know it." ~~ Jimmy Kimmel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now
suing a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were
birth control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches.
The good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack
a day." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Random Thoughts

On the bags of miniature candy bars it says, 'Fun Size.'
Does this mean that the regular size bars are no fun?

Why aren't they called bakies instead of cookies?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Why do mothers always say that their child cannot play
until their room is clean? What will the room look like
after the child plays?

How come we as children will fight tooth and nail not to
have a nap only to find ourselves as adults wishing with
all of our hearts that we could?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to forgive each other as
quickly and effortlessly as children forgive each other?

Didn't the guy who laughs last had to have it explained
to him?

Isn't it better by far that you forget and smile rather
than remember and be sad?

Why would there be a key to happiness? Isn’t the door
always open?

Where do socks go when they get lost in the dryer?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you
kept drying your clothes, would they eventually just
disappear?

Do Clothing manufacturers really expect us to run a
whole wash for each item marked 'wash separately'?

Why do clothes dryers have buzzers that go off when
the drying cycle is done, but you just have to guess
for the washing machine?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Email Fun and Games
I teach a class at a university in which the students have to e-mail
their assignments. Despite the fact that the e-mail address is printed
about three times in the course handbook and I repeated it 20 or so
times and wrote it on the board, one student wanted to know why her
e-mailed assignment kept being returned with error messages. The
reason? Instead of the proper e-mail address, in the "To" field, she
had: "Any teacher for LL101."

---

I was teaching a friend of mine how to use e-mail for the first time.
After going through a scrutinizing 30 minutes of basic concepts of
e-mail in comparison to the real post office mail and answering her
novice questions, we decided it was time for her to get her feet wet.

I had already signed her up for a free Web based e-mail account. She
logged in with her username and password, took her time to compose a
message and sent it successfully to her sister with such pride in her
eyes.

Me: "Good job! That wasn't so hard, was it"?
Her: "No."
Me: (smiles)
Her: (stares at the monitor)
Me: "What are you doing"?
Her: "Just a sec." (stares some more)
Me: "Are you looking for something on the screen"?
Her: "Yeah, I am waiting for a reply!"

---

Friend: "Did you get the e-mail I sent about my sound card"?
Me: "Nope, haven't seen it yet. When did you send it"?
Friend: "Sent it this morning, you should have it by now."
Me: "Let me check again. Hmmm. Nothing."
Friend: "Oh, duh! It's President's Day. It probably won't
get delivered today."
Me: (stifling laughter) "Oh yeah, that must be it. Just to
be sure I get it, send it again to my other address."

---

Customer: "I can't get my e-mail."
Tech Support: "Ok. Can you surf the Web"?
Customer: "What"?
Tech Support: "I just want to know if you can visit any Web
sites. That will tell me if you're connected."
Customer: "What are Web sites? I just use this to download
my e-mail."

This guy was paying $40 per month for high-speed cable
Internet access, and all he could do was send e-mail.

---

Tech Support: "No problem. I can show you that later. Right
now I need you to start your e-mail program."
Customer: "Aren't you listening? It's already started. I
just can't get any e-mail."
Tech Support: "Can you click the send and receive button
for me"?
Customer: "I did that and nothing happens! I told you that!"
Tech Support: "All right, sir. We'll just take a look at
your preferences."

Ten minutes later I finally finished walking him through his
account settings in Outlook Express.

Customer: "You screwed something up! Now it keeps giving me
an error message!"
Tech Support: "Ok, what does the message say"?
Customer: "It says YOU entered an invalid e-mail address."
Tech Support: "Let's go back to the 'General' tab and double
check your address." Customer: "It says xxxx-at-home-period
thingy.com."
Tech Support: "Can you read it to me letter by letter"?
Customer: (growling) "It says x-x-x-x-a-t-h-o-m-e--"
Tech Support: "Ok, let's stop right there. I want you to type
'xxxx,' then the '@' symbol, not the word 'at'."
Customer: "What the are you talking about"?
Tech Support: "Have you got the 'xxxx' part done"?
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Then I want you to hold the Shift key and hit
the number '2' key."
Customer: "At the same time? Are you trying to break it"?
Tech Support: "Trust me, sir, this will work."

After we finished with that, he got even more upset because he
didn't have any e-mail to receive.

---

Customer: "I tried sending e-mail to 1.404.123.4567 but the
e-mailer wouldn't let me."
Tech Support: "Um, that's a telephone number."

---

One of our servers crashed and I was watching our new system
administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and
needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He
started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key
for that line thing"?

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know,
that one that looks like an upside down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'"? and he said, "Yeah,
that's it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Floppy Disk Fun
By following the instructions below, you should have error-
free, long-lasting floppy disks.

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can
leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the
drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil
holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a
powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn
metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and
soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is
even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting
in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the
drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little"
disk drives.

4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.
The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the
intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through
the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be
backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written
on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the
drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could
result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally
the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung"
or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will
probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed
access to the slot.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space,
remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2
minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression)
to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings
with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes
in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous
access points to the disk.

9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses,
provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure
to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents.
The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and
you may end up with data from some other document stuck in
the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape
may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with
an electron microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doggie Dictionary

Bath: This is a process by which mom and dad drench the
floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking
vigorously and frequently.

Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines invented for
dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit,
you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and
run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and
falls into the bushes and you prance away.

Bump: The best way to get your mom and dad's attention
when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Deafness: This is an affliction which affects dogs when
their mom or dad want them in and they want to stay out.
Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction or lying down.

Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread
in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living
room.

Drool: What you do when your mom and dad have food and
you don't. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you
can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor. Or better
yet, on their laps.

Garbage Can: A container where mom and dad put food they
don't want to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your
hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do
it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred,
beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

Goose bump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the
regular bump doesn't get the attention you require. Especially
effective when combined with the sniff. See above.

Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!"
Especially if your mom and dad are dressed for an evening
out. This is incredibly effective before black tie events.

Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to
lead your mom and dad where you want him/her to go.

Love: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and
without restriction. The best way you can show your love
is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you
in return.

Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.
Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear
end and inhale deeply. Repeat several times or until your
person makes you stop.

Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating,
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and
wipe your whiskers clean.

Thunder:This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Mom and dad remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms,
so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following
their every move.

Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes
and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the
basket and strew the papers all over the house until your
mom and dad come home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Church Bloopers

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the
way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national prayer
and fasting conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting
and Prayer Conference includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The
sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at
8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill
Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to
get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone
who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off, let the church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday, there will be try outs for the choir. They
need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for
more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and
requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell"? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. Prayer and medication
to follow.

23. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 p.m., there will be a hymn sing in the
park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
the B.S. is done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m.
Please use the back door.

28. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday, "I Upped My Pledge! Up Yours!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:


Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass
snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Cocoa Beach had a lot of potted plants, and
during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing in a lot
of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It
turned out that a little green garden grass snake was
hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it
slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was
taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see
what the problem was. She told him there was a snake
under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and
knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him
in the butt. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he
fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she
called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher
and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa
and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped
his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg
and why he was in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so
she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the
snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and
began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat
down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled
in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling
around.

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the
sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed
out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping
sees her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of
canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a
point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called and it was determined that
the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw
her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over
him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She
went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey,
and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious
man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken
fight had occurred.

They were about to arrest them all, when the two women
tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor
and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out
from under the couch, one of the policemen drew his gun
and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the
end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell
over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke,
it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell
through the window into the yard on top of the family dog,
who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street,
where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed
into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile
the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire
house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving
fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were half-
way down the street. The rising ladder tore out the over-
head wires and put out the electricity and disconnected
the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
-----------------
Time passed
-----------------
Both men were discharged from the hospital, The house
was rebuilt, The police acquired a new car, and all was
right with their world
-------
About a year later they were watching TV and a weather-
man announced a cold snap for that night. The husband
asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their
plants for the night.

She shot him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Comments

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to
help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't
thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering
crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale
to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the
way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/
her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The
niece drove wildly to get him to the Emergency Room. After what
seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing
his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your
uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."


"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks
with shock......

"We've never had a Republican in the family before!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Thanks to Amanda for this one:

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all
other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football
5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking
about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall
doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.. (KEEP READING)
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girl-
friend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program
files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving
the situation. I suggest installing the background application
"Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best
course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs,
such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve
the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not
supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 10

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 10 March 6, 2006

Brown is not the dummy the administration painted. (Oh
yeah except he trusted them to do their jobs.) Who is
really responsible? Will they be held accountable?
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/03/02/katrina/main1362777.shtml


Bush seeks line item veto already declared unconstitutional
by the Supreme Court.
http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=topNews&storyid=2006-03-06T165001Z_01_WBT004898_RTRUKOC_0_US-BUSH-VETO.xml


The Iditarod started Saturday and will end probably 10
days for some and in 17 days for others. For videos and
pictures of some of the most remote areas in Alaska see:
http://www.iditarod.com/



Cruise who starred in last year's blockbuster hit "War of
the Worlds" and his pregnant partner Holmes won the
Razzie award on Saturday for "most tiresome tabloid
targets."
http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2006-03-05T185129Z_01_N03258174_RTRUKOC_0_US-OSCARS-RAZZIES.xml&rpc=22




Here's a site with Dumb laws posted state by state.
http://www.crazylaws.com/


Thanks to my sister for this site that offers Tips, Boredom
Busters, projects online, and short, informative, practical
articles all delivered to your email box Monday-Friday.
For FREE.
http://www.momready.com/index.asp



Did you know there is such a thing as barcode art???
http://www.jetcityorange.com/barcodes/



Fun and games from Netscape
http://channels.netscape.com/atplay/default.jsp

More games from Charter
http://www.charter.net/games/

A site for those who are fans of word games.
http://fun2play.com/


Do you all run Disk Clean Up and Defrag regularly?
These are available by clicking Start, Programs,
Accessories, System Tools and then Disk Clean Up
which will empty out your temporary internet files,
trash bin, and compress old files. When that is done
repeat clicking Start, Programs, Accessories, System
Tools and then Defrag. This will make your system run
faster but if you are running XP there is one more step.

To clean out the Prefetch Directory:
1) Click Start/Run
2) Type "Prefetch" (without the quotes) in the Run
dialog box and click OK.
3) This opens the Prefetch Directory.
Click Edit/Select All from the menu to highlight all the files.
4) Click the Delete button.
5) Go have a Coke knowing you've just played Computer Geek.


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Bush is in command. When he heard that sectarian militias
had killed Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of
Sectaria." ~~Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Actually, they're going to hold off on that Dubai ports
deal for 45 days while Congress debates it. 45 days, well
that's good. Those problems in the Middle East tend to
clear up pretty quickly" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met
with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. There was
an awkward moment when Bush asked 'How long until
the new season of The Sopranos?'" ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well,
who could have seen that coming? That came out of left
field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People
are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is
Dick Cheney now." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"An Arab company might take over six American ports.
President Bush says that he did not know of the plan.
That is just so out of character." ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Apparently President Charles In Charge did not know
about this whole thing until the story broke in the news-
papers. You know, you could say Ronald Reagan was
asleep at the switch. At least he knew there was a switch."
~~ Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush is letting an Arab company run ports.
That's like letting Robert Blake take your wife to dinner.
President Bush said that the port deal is not a security
threat. That's what he said, this is not a security threat.
Remember, this is the same guy who said 'Mission
Accomplished.'" ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elevator Gags
-Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
-Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your
kleenex to other passengers.
-Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
-Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
incessantly.
-Sell Girl Scout cookies.
-On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency
of the elevator.
-Shave.
-Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering
inside ask, "Got enough air in there"?
-Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Wear yours upside-down.
-Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
-When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank
the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open
by themselves.
-Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Noogie
patrol coming!"
-Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
-On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that
it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down
the shaft go plink at the bottom.
-Bring your golf clubs and start practicing. Don't forget to
shout, "Fore!"
-Do Tai Chi exercises.
-Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, "I've got new socks on!"
-When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the
back, "Oh, not now, dang motion sickness!"
-Give religious tracts to each passenger.
-Meow occasionally.
-Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
-Frown and mutter, "gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say,
"oops!"
-Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
-Sing "Mary Had A Little Lamb" while continually pushing
buttons.
-Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
-Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
-Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
"You're one of them!" and move to the far corner of the
elevator.
-Burp and then say "mmmm, tasty!"
-Leave a box between the doors.
-Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button
for them.
-Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
"through" it.
-Start a sing along.
-When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "is that
your beeper"?
-Play the harmonica.
-Shadow box.
-Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
-Lean against the button panel.
-Say, "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
-Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
-Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
-Bring a chair along.
-Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger,
"Wanna see wha in muh mouf"?
-Blow spit bubbles.
-Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
-Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable
host body."
-Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
-Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
-Wear "x-ray specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
-Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
-If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computer Tech Support
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your
CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....Tech support: And what sort of computer
are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer.
It's in the CDplayer and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
---
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one.
---
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry.
---
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left
of thescreen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
---
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates, darn it!
---
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted
the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can't find it...
---
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
---
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in
the supermarket.
---
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one
does work.
---
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in
apple, acapital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
---
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
---
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
---
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
---
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but
how do I get the circle around it?
---
A female customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his printer is working fine."
---
And last, but not least....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in
the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring
up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school
nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance,
I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.

"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did any-
thing to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He
was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the
day with him!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How To Install a Poor-man's Security System:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work
boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door
on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note
on your front door that says something like: "Bubba, big
Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in a
½ hr.
P.S. Don't disturb the pitbulls; they've just been de-wormed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I'm an Old Woman
I will live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I've had from each girl and boy.

I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor;
Run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed.
Whenever they scold me, I'll just hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, and always fritter away
The time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone.
As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

I'll hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer,
And never pick up my clothes from the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish.
I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor.
As soon as they've mopped it I'll flood it some more.

And when they correct me, I'll lie down and cry,
Kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then
When they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal,
Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor,
I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What Fun I shall have, what Joy it will be
to live with my children....- the way they lived with me!

author unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on
the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your
load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches
up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on
the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've
never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking
his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down
the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out
of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again
she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some
of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races
to the next light.When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
her window, and after she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name
is Kevin, it's winter in Wisconsin and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of
kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his
mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he
replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His
mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She
said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid
me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kinder-
garten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom,
hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will
that help?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery
store and began putting away the groceries. The boy
opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all
over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken", the
boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who
would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my
brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan,
you be Jesus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-
year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him
to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy,
what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw
him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When
I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher
we've ever had."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read,
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Liner Fun

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive
new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is that
the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it is
gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if
you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded
up, the drink spilled, and that ice -- well, it really chilled
the mood.

7. It used to be that only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out,
gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending
machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might
try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I
needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a
prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting
a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to
see how he was and found him writing frantically on a
piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he
didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What
will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for
enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters
never point the wrong way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a
man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his
interview when the man disappears.

A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets
the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and
the man disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me"? St. Peter calls
after him.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously, "They're
trying to resuscitate me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice
young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to
the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite! ! ! What about you
Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll
be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence
for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend
of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina
mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first
day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On
his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his
teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock
strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful,"
he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my
GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with
you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what
it feels like when I'm driving."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the
optician asked.


"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the other is a husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway,
and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted
at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the
lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach
stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred,
"and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this women's poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates