Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 38

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 38 September 26, 2005

It's that time of the year when kids are starting school
projects and papers so this issue is a bit heavy on tips
and reference material. Do yourself a favor and create
a tree structure for your bookmarks or favorites with
many branches and many smaller branches and even
smaller branches if you see an area of concentration.

Include a sub directory for for each kid in your family
directory (my family directory also includes a branch
for food and dining, one for holiday stuff, one for photos
stored online in various places) and start a reference file
for all the dictionaries, encyclopedias, converters, weight
and measure sites, (I also have subdirectories in there
for health, legal, travel, and religion).

I also have an entertainment directory with branches
that include music, visual art, movies, TV, performance
art, festivals, games, and humor. Since blues is both for
and from my websites, it's separate from music. Do the
dividing that works best for you.

The more subdirectories the better for navigation. If you
find a great site that you can use in the future just save it
to your directory rather than counting on a search engine
to get you there. You can more easily skip down through
your directory tree than search page after page of search
engine results if you take the time to save your favorites
in the proper place and periodically take time to organize.

E-mail safety tips
http://www.emailsafety.net/

Reference for units of measure including the obsolete
ones and links to other weights and measure sites
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/cdkaese/home.htm

"Brainboost actually finds answers to your questions
posed in plain English as opposed to directing you to
pages that simply mention the questions."
http://www.brainboost.com/

Customize your news by type or source
http://www.newsbleed.com/


Wow Google helps the archeologists find ruins
http://www.washtimes.com/upi/20050921-115605-4389r.htm


Thanks to Erin for this article on WI librarians
with a sexy calendar for fund raising
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050919/ap_on_fe_st/desperate_librarians



Do the few remaining people who approve of Bush know
about the threats to the environment that he has allowed?
Or do they just not care since they benefit somehow?
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/_/id/7605389


Current news on the Supreme Court
http://www.scotusblog.com/movabletype/

While we are on the topic of blogs, this article points out
the danger of believing everything you read on the net.
There are people creating hoax blogs:
http://tech2.nytimes.com/mem/technology/techreview.html?res=9C06E5D8133DF93AA15754C0A9629C8B63

Like these hoax websites listed in the Hoax Museum
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoaxsites.html

I don't know if this is a hoax or not but any time
you have just HAD IT with the neighbors check out
Joe's redneck ones, they'll make yours look great!
http://www.joespc.com/carlos/redneck.htm

Please take a moment to sign a petition here or become
active in some other way.
http://www.moveon.org/campaigns.html

The largest physical therapy online store, providing a
wide variety of PT supplies, PT equipment, and rehab
products; employee owned and operated.
http://www.wisdomking.com/


Homework help for many grades here:
http://home.mira.net/~lions/homework.htm


Excellent site regarding an Ancient Observatory built by
the Pueblo from 850-1150 AD and then they suddenly
abandoned the area. Now a National Monument visited
by 80,000 people yearly this site remains a mystery.
http://www.exploratorium.edu/chaco/

More at the Exploratorium
http://www.exploratorium.edu/chaco/

More great science sites
http://www.sciencefriday.com/pages/misc/hotlinks.html
http://www.accessexcellence.org/WN/edfave.html

Other great references
http://www.webrary.org/ref/weblinksmenu.html
http://www.loc.gov/rr/askalib/virtualref.html
http://library.rider.edu/scholarly/rlackie/Invisible/Inv_Web.html
http://resourcehelp.com/welcome.htm
http://www.neighborhoodvalues.com/links/cool/coolsites.htm

Mini encyclopedia
http://www2.cs.uh.edu/~clifton/micro.a.html

This one is a general and news resource although you can't
tell from the URL but the title is One Minute Web Guide
http://www.ancientthespians.com/


Critical Thinking links
http://www.csj.org/infoserv_idx/idx_lnk_bysubject.htm

Like Netflicks except for books and audio books
http://www.booksfree.com/

Smithsonian Websites
http://info-s.com/smithsonian.html

Just for fun a test of the postal system
http://www.improbable.com/airchives/paperair/volume6/v6i4/postal-6-4.html

List of Category 5 Hurricanes
http://www.weathermatrix.net/tropical/cat5storms.htm



On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes by George Carlin

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts,
why is the original so valuable?

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-
seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course
he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

I don't believe there's any problem in ths country, no
matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll
up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and
I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a
face full of rain.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and
get paid just enough money not to quit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes by Jay Leno

I looked up the word "politics" in the dictionary, and it's
actually a combination of two words; "poli," which means
many, and "tics," which means "blood-suckers."

The Teamster's Union is broke. Things are so bad, they
may have to lay off 100 congressmen.

John Hinkley is the guy who shot President Reagan. He
recently asked the court for more freedom. He says he
wants twelve hours a month of unsupervised time.
Twelve hours a month to himself. hey, even married
guys don't get that.

There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door,
but it's the people who try to go from coach to 1st class
they really beat up.

The Supreme Court has ruled they cannot have a nativity
scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious
reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes by Bill Cosby

"Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to
say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."

Men and women belong to different species, and
communication between them is a science still in its
infancy.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

The heart of marriage is memories.

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones
who need the advice.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow
their children to come back home.


The truth is that parents are not really interested in
justice. They just want quiet.

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a
person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.
Think about your father: He doesn't know where
anything is. You ask him to do something, he messes it
up, and your mother sends you: "Go down and see what
your father's doing before he blows up the house." He's
a genius at work because he doesn't want to do it, and
knows someone will be coming soon to stop him.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be
greater than your fear of failure.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve
has been extracted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Good news, the crime rate in New York City is down. All
I can say is, thank you Batman!" ~~ Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking
at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then,
this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to
him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all
down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man
crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First,
I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, out-
raged, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I
found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do
nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the
cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my
whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife
was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this
bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my
life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bizarre Last Words

Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1827: "I shall hear in heaven." By the
time of his death, Beethoven was completely deaf.

Andrew Bradford, the publisher of Philadelphia's first
newspaper, 1742: "Oh Lord, forgive the errata!"

W.C. Fields, who had been flipping through the Bible on his
deathbed, 1946: "I'm looking for a loophole."

Neville Heath, the murderer who requested a glass of whiskey
as his last wish before being hanged, 1946: "You might make
that a double."

Karl Marx, after his housekeeper had asked whether he had a
final message for the world, 1883: "Go on, get out! Last
words are for fools who haven't said enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oxymorons

Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Almost exactly
alone together
Civil engineer
Clearly confused
Constant variable
Deafening silence
Definite maybe
Even odds
Exact estimate
Extinct life
Found missing
Free love
Freezer burn
Genuine imitation
Hell's Angels
Larger half
Liquid gas
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Military intelligence
Minor crisis
Old news
Only choice
Open secret
Original copies
Plastic glasses
Pretty ugly
Rolling stop
Same difference
Seriously funny
Tragic comedy
Unbiased opinion
Virtual reality
Working holiday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found

Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead

Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)

Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows XP"

Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years C: 12 months


At end of useful life
D: euthanasia
C: tax deduction

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world.
What's the idea of playing golf with not one, but two
caddies!"

"Oh, it was my wife's idea."

"Your wife?"

"Yeah," answers Ted, "She thought I should spend
more time with the kids."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cat Person Profile Quiz
Is your devotion to your cat and "cat things" in
the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme?
Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a- holic?"

Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person,"
shall we? See how many of these can you give an
HONEST "yes" answer to:

--Can you meow so well that you can fake out your
own cats?

--Have you ever called your husband/wife by the
cat's name by mistake?

--Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?"

--Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an
apartment based solely on the potential spot for
the litterbox?

--Do you think cat hair in your food is a good
source of protein?

--Last Christmas/Hanukkah, did you spend more
money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the
kids or grandkids?

--Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people
who don't own any cats?

--Does your wallet contain more photos of your
cats than your kids or grandkids?

--Have you often slept on the very edge of the
bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's
sleeping in the very middle?

--Do you leave messages for the kitty on the
answering machine?

--Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by
patting the seat and making that noise with your
pursed lips?

--Does your answering machine have the cat meowing
on the outgoing message?

--When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as
"using the litterbox"?

--Have you made a habit of setting a place at the
table for the kitty?

--Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have
made a good guess) and have a birthday party to
celebrate?

--When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum,
"OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for
even one second.

--Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with
all the cats?"

How many did you answer "yes" to? I think just
answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you
as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers
determines the degree.

Your "Cat-ability" Score"

--1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do
better, but it's OK, you're learning.

--5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it,
improving nicely. Potential is there.

--9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there,
almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.

--14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly
devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find
no 12 step program here!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a physics course, which involved light, electricity
and magnetism, the students were required to read the
week's experiment before coming to class...

At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see
how many of his pupils had actually done so.

"What are the two types of light?" he asked.

The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand
and said, "Uhhh, Three! Bud, Coors and Miller!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't understand these complaints about the postal
service. Time was, you could put a two-cent stamp on a
letter and mail it, and it would arrive at its destination
in two days. Now you put a thirty-seven-cent stamp on
a letter and it can take four to five weeks to arrive.

Still only a penny a day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The 5 toughest questions for men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one
is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as
a public service, each question is analyzed below, along
with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper
answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This
response obviously bears no resemblance to the true
answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered
by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know
what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is:
"YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order,
"Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an
emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the ncorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines
all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for
the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right
and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact
address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you
in a truck, not an envelope."
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

You may not know that many non-living things have
a gender.For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through them

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned
off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an
effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable
and retain water ..

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd
be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd
be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the
right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any
of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up"
and "breakup."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#
kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes
around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments
go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's
leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely
upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen
and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm
never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one
sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save
your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old
pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for these:

See what you have to look forward to….I was thinking
about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm
wearing my garage door opener. Now everyone thinks
that I'm cool, too.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when
you still have something on the ball but you are just too
tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age
and call it, "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's
when your chest is falling into your drawers!

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always
say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say,
"No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write,
"A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . write to these people?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailcarriers could look for them while they
delivered the mail?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer
in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use,
the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times
with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up,
examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one
more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the
end you first try?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and
a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as
it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it
like your wife told you to?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally thanks to Erin:
Question: "What is George Bush's opinion on Roe vs
Wade?"

Answer: "He doesn't care how the people get out of
New Orleans!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 37

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 37 September 19, 2005


Boy it's a grey and gloomy Monday here but after such
a great weekend who can complain? We took the little
guys to the beach and had a great time swimming. Who
knows, that may well be the last time this year! Sigh!


Global warming accelerating out of control?
http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_technology/article312997.ece


Awesome site with reviews on free email services, free
online file storage, free photo albums and much more
http://www.emailaddresses.com/

Online free short course in digital photography
http://www.shortcourses.com/

Free computer manuals for any operating system
http://help-site.com/



More and more free video content available everywhere:
http://guide.real.com/

Search engines safe for kids
http://www.yahooligans.com/
http://www.aol.com/netfind/kids/
http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/KidsClick!/

Speaking of kids, how many times have you wondered
what that rash could be? Here are pictures for all ages
but a special section on children's diseases is offered:
http://www.lib.uiowa.edu/hardin/md/index.html

A NASA site for kids
http://kids.msfc.nasa.gov/

Classic short stories
http://www.classicshorts.com/links.html

States, capitals, geography online for the US:
http://www.50states.com/

For the older kids: Chiefs of State and Cabinet Members
of Foreign Governments
http://www.odci.gov/cia/publications/chiefs/

American Fact Finder from the Census Bureau
http://factfinder.census.gov/home/saff/main.html?_lang=en

CIA World Fact Book - like a world geography lesson
http://www.odci.gov/cia/publications/factbook/index.html

Do you have an invention to patent? Here are free starter
kits for inventors:
http://www.patentcafe.com/

Nifty site giving zip+4 for any valid USPS address
http://www.cedar.buffalo.edu/adserv.html

Ever wonder what the weather is really like? Look at
a weather camera near you:
http://instacam.com/default.asp

Look at how a site used to be, visit the WayBack Machine
http://www.archive.org/web/web.php

More on internet history
http://www.isoc.org/internet/history/


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Courage is the greatest of all the virtues. Because if you
haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use
any of the others." ~~ Samuel Johnson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Every time I learn something new it pushes some old
stuff out of my brain. Like that time I took that home
wine making course and forgot how to drive."
~~ Homer Simpson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"All that is gold does not glitter;
not all those that wander are lost." ~~ J. R. R. Tolkien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The secret of being boring is to tell everything."
~~ Voltaire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get
us out?" ~~ Will Rogers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you
walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives."
~~ Sue Murphy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12 Signs You've Joined A Cheap HMO!
1. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and
Dr. Demento.
2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
3. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
4. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come
in different colors with little "M's" on them.
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you
gave to Goodwill last month.
6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left
when you enter the trailer park."
7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your
surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave robbing.
8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
10. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of
coverage is "an apple a day".
11.“Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges" is not a typo..
12. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct
tape.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while
his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog
was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little
Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he
could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor
and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you
play something the dog doesn't know?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mandy had a puppy on a leash. She met Sandy and said,
"I just got this puppy for my little brother."

"Really?" said Sandy. "Who'd you find to make a swap
like that?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:

You wake up face down on the pavement

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the
candles

Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her
own business

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last
night's party - and there aren't any

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency
routes out of the city

Your twin sister forgets your birthday

You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and
then realize that you don't have a waterbed

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway

You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat

You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked
in the back of your pantyhose

Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to
flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"

You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light,
you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search
for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.

You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you
realize that you're driving the van this week

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Might Be An Accountant If...

at the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.

you consider it normal not to see your spouse or children
from February to April 15th.

you decide to change your name to a symbol and you
choose the double underline "=========="

you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses"

you had no idea that GAP was also a clothing store

you have a petty cash box at home and actually refer to
it as such

you know what the acronym MACRS stands for.

you refer to your child as Deduction 214 3.

your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill
out the guest comment card.

you've ever made a joke about a double-entry bookkeeping
method.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Might Be A Computer Nerd If ...

your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to
dinner

you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

your wrist watch has more computing power than a
486DX-50

you want an 48X CDROM for Christmas

Dilbert is your hero

you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"

you stare at an orange juice container because it says
CONCENTRATE

the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

your idea of good interpersonal communication means
getting the decimal point in the right place

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Might Be a Dog Person If ...

you can't see out the passenger side of the windshield
because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

you carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all
times.

you have baby gates permanently installed at strategic
places around the house, but no babies.

you have little songs that you sing to your dog, and
she always wags when you sing, even though you can't
carry a tune.

you like people who like your dog. You despise people
who don't.

your bedroom door has a doggie door

you put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be
comfortable.

your dog owns more clothing and toys than your neighbor's
children

you sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards
from your dog.

you decide you might have kids so the dog will have
playmates

you talk about your dog the way other people talk about
their kid.

you tell your relatives you aren't coming unless the dogs
are invited, too

you'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your
dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.

you care more about getting your dog's supper ready on
time than your spouse's.

your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you

you make your significant other sleep on the couch
because there isn't enough room for the three of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Might Be A Musician If...

you walk around conducting the Verdi Requiem, Dvorak
Requiem, Bruckner e-minor Mass, Beethoven 7, etc., and
wonder why people are looking at you funny.

you know Tchaikovsky's full name AND all its spellings.
you have played more instruments than the average
person can name.

you own more in sheet music than in CDs

you can define the difference between a sonata and a
concerto.

you know 101 jokes involving either violas, French horns,
or percussionists.

you know any jokes about players of any other specific
instruments.

your phone is unplugged for 2 hours or more a day so you
can practice.

you actually cheered on the marching band in high school.

you have ever played anything by Bela Bartok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes and Comments from and about Bosses

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to
blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work:
The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss:
"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we
hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because
it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I
see as a protective barrier."

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth
would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for
recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary
tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss
walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a
task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if
I ever gave you the impression your input would have any
effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate:
"I see you've had no computer training. Although that
qualifies you for upper management, it means you're
under qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry:
"We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we
won't start interviewing candidates for that position
until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Words of Wisdom and Observations on Life

Men and women will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.

Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.

A person is as big as the things that make him angry.

In every organization there will be one person who knows
what is going on....This person must be fired.

Everything depends.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than
a thin person.

Remember, pain is nature's way of reminding you who's in
charge.

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed
if you don't try.

If you love what you do you'll never work another day in
your life.

The best angle from which to approach any problem is the
try-angle.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Common sense is not that common.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays, it insists on it.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
discarded.

Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object
to realize that you are in a hurry.

Observation: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Observation: The user does not know what he wants until
he sees what he gets.

Observation: Logic is a systematic method of coming to
the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Observation: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion
to its value.

Observation: When you are over the hill, you begin to
pick up speed.

Observation: A carelessly planned project will take
three times longer to complete than expected; a very
carefully planned project will take only twice as long.

Budgets help you worry before you spend money, as well
as, afterward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Thanks to Mike for these:

Supposedly, these are actual quotes taken from Federal
Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere
of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy
to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other
is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other
sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe
of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot
of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to
laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's
wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat
us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also from Mike (stern look at him)
The World's Shortest and Best Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and
hunting and drank a lot of beer whenever he wanted.

THE END

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 36

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 36 September 14, 2005

It's always great to have the family here but I'm always
glad to be back to the usual routine too. It feels like a
Monday to me (I wonder why?) Next week back to my
usual Monday publishing day probably till the holidays.


Another gas price website
http://www.gaspricewatch.com/new/

There is something seriously wrong when the Pledge of
Allegiance is un Constitutional in America
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/09/14/D8CK6JOG4.html

Clearinghouse for pics and info on kids separated from
during and after Katrina
http://www.missingkids.com

What you can do to avoid the scams
http://money.cnn.com/2005/09/06/pf/saving/willis_tips/index.htm

Satellite images of NOLA
http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2005/hurricanes/interactive/fullpage.nola.flood/katrina.html

FEMA Dragging their feet in removal of bodies?
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/09/13/D8CJHQPG0.html

More fumbling and bumbling
http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/06/katrina.charleston/

Now that the waters are receding it's time to consider
the financial disaster of Katrina from Financial Times
http://www.ft.com/hurricane

New Orleans website for info from the horse's mouth
http://www.nola.com/


A test for early Alzheimer's detection
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050911/NEWS06/509110378/1012/NEWS06


With less time than ever for dinner since school has started
here are suggestions to help make dinner planning easier
http://www.meals.com/Recipes/Top10FavoriteRecipes.aspx



Thanks to Andrea for this Zen like site that depicts a very
relaxed woman floating down through space bouncing off
bubbles. You can use your mouse to shift her during her
descent which seems to be endless.
http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf


This site aims to raise interest in wildlife and wildlands
while promoting awareness of environmental issues. For
any age with simple explanations about some of the most
remote areas with fabulous pics, it's a fun exploration.
http://www.mongabay.com/



Wow 50 free 4 x 6 digital prints for signing up here. Check
out their gallery of photos too!
https://www.dotphoto.com/join.asp?source=50mfreeprints


Do you have motion sickness at times? Take RealAge
Motion Sickness Assessment to find new strategies
to prevent or manage symptoms:
http://www.realage.com/reg/regassess.aspx?mod=MOTSCK


A digital library of health information
http://www.vh.org/

The online book page: over 20,000 books on the web
http://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/

The internet public library
http://www.ipl.org/reading/books/

or the Virtual Library
http://vlib.org/

Classic short stories
http://www.bnl.com/shorts/

If you are looking for something on the internet, we all
have our favorite search engine but sometimes that is
not what you need. Instead try some basic resource sites.
Here are my favorites:
http://www.refdesk.com/
http://www.alphadictionary.com/
http://www.wordwizard.com/
http://nilesonline.com/data/
http://www.beliefnet.com/



Dictionary of smileys
http://www.cg.tuwien.ac.at/~helwig/smileys.html

Searchable database of acronyms
http://www.acronymfinder.com/


Free web tutorial from basic knowledge to peripherals
http://www.webteacher.org/windows.html



Ever wonder what that rash is and answers to other
pediatric questions
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/index.asp

Pics for what's that rash
http://dermis.multimedica.de/index_e.htm


If you are moving or buying a home check out this site
for helpful information:
http://www.homefair.com/homefair/readart.html?art=articleIndex

Resource for traveling with dogs:
http://www.dogfriendly.com/


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The future is not what it used to be. ~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of
your life. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there
have always been times like these. ~~ Paul Harvey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Keep a diary, and someday it'll keep you. ~~ Mae West

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life
in your own way. ~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More thoughts to Ponder

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all
stuck together?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-
up ATM?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we have hot water heaters?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a
suitcase?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we
are already there?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we
use them?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same
thing?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?

Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but
a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part
it is named after?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
open it's not adoor?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called
a "near miss"?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the
same?

Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why is there an eject button on the remote? Don't you
have to get up to get to the tape?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is
the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before
getting out of the water?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used
on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of
the same substance?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?

How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when
real hippos are brown?

Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice
is higher? Even when you have a low voice?

Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?

Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being
qualified as cold?

At what temperature does it qualify as hot?

If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would
you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?

Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?

Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-
to-earth at the same time?

If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured
would they remember that they forgot?

If you died with braces on would they take them off?

Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're
always covered with sheets?

If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party,
is it considered karaoke?

If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count
as one or two players?

Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?

Do cows have calf muscles?

How come French fries are not considered a vegetable,
they are just deep fried potatoes?

Do babies produce more spit than adults?

Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
~~ Marilyn Monroe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Karma means you don't get away with nothin'."
~~ Ruth Denison

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps
keep order - bad theory. And it's not even a new idea;
I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930's, but it
was hard to understand, because the narration was in
German." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"White people got no business playing the blues ever.
At all. Under any circumstances. What do white people
have to be blue about? Banana Republic ran out of
khakis? The espresso machine is jammed?"
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"White people ought to understand . . . their job is to
give people the blues, not to get them. And certainly
not to sing or play them! I'll tell you a little secret
about the blues: It's not enough to know which notes
to play, you have to know why they need to be played."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" Editor: One who sorts the wheat from the chaff and
prints the chaff." ~~ Adlai Stevenson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout
brings a race horse with him to add to the starting
lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring
that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat.
At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets
down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs
his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate.


Astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move.

The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the
horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the
manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at
Belmont!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer
to entertain my customers. After several performances,
I discovered the drummer had walked away with some
of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.

Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who
knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer
you had?" he asked me.

"I had him arrested," I replied.

My friend paused for a second and asked, "How badly
did he play?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oneliners

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall
Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
-- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base
Kadena, Japan

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're
on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the
ocean than submarines in the sky." -- From an old
carrier sailor

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene of
the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and
pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws
up, the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to
successfully complete the flight."

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight
bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something
was forgotten."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
peacetime." -- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-
Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when
it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

The school should pay me to skip class.
Call it a "tuition refund", if you will.

A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist.

I was wondering where my boomerang had landed --
and then it came to me.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

Scars: Tattoos with better stories.

Loved are the ones who are told of their faults in private.

A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.

Look after your wife; never mind yourself--
she'll look after you.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Say nothing . . . often.

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously
never had one.

Everything is always okay in the end.
If it's not, it's not the end.

You non-conformists are all alike.

Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for
5,765 years.

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.

Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're
in hot water.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son
of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba,
who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from
the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Toshiba who said
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed.
Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it
than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she
heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs
of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at
the end of each day's conference.


Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In
'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so
pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."


Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we
brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the King of
them all, gimme a Bud."


Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer,
verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of Beers,
danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would
ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement
written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are
you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin',
then neither am I".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of
popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this
recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly
cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. baking chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn
(ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
______________________________
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back
of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open
and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally from Erin this sad news in Crawford, Texas
A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library
of President George W. Bush. The fire began in the
presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept.
Both of his books have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was
devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the
second one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 35

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 35 September 7, 2005

Sorry this is coming so late but the kids were here from
the east coast for a long weekend, the grandkids were
around and we had a big party. Between some computer
issues and trying to get organized again yesterday I just
couldn't get this done any sooner. Since my sister arrives
Friday for a long weekend I will not publish again till next
Wednesday the 14th.


MoveOn members and others have offered over 150,000
beds to those displaced by Hurricane Katrina. But with
more than a million displaced, those spots will be snapped
up. If you have space available, even if you're nowhere
near New Orleans, you can still help as survivors are
relocated. If you have an extra bed or even a couch to
offer, click here:
http://www.hurricanehousing.org

Erin suggests Autism cares will coordinate support for
the unique needs of affected families dealing with autism,
by connecting families and professionals who can provide
resources with needy families.
http://www.talkautism.org/

Second Harvest will take food, time or cash donations to
feed the hungry:
http://www.secondharvest.org/

Periodically I post links to the Hunger Site where your
click turns into food with the help of their sponsors:
http://www.thehungersite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites


Apparently Hell has frozen over since Pat Buchanan is
calling for a Bill of Impeachment on Bush:
http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=46019

"In 2001, FEMA warned that a hurricane striking New
Orleans was one of the three most likely disasters in the
U.S. But the Bush administration cut New Orleans flood
control funding by 44 percent to pay for the Iraq war."
http://service.spiegel.de/cache/international/0,1518,372455,00.html

Here are some alternative meanings to the ancronym
FEMA:
Finally exceeded management ability
Federally excused muscle-bound assistance
Fearful executives mean anarchy
Far-flung extreme macho activity
Financial experiments make atrocity


I found several outstanding stories on New Orleans: this
one tells how rich and poor banded together.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050905/D8CDRMSG2.html

For more the NY Times is full of them, try Frank
Rich or Anne Rice, Maureen Dowd or Bob Herbert here:
http://www.nytimes.com/gst/mostemailed.html?type=1&period=7

To check the local gas prices near you:
http://www.gasbuddy.com/


Every year Beloit College releases a Mindset List covering
the new freshmen. This serves as a reminder to the staff
that frames of reference change. I'm sure you have seen
one of these lists in the past but here is the new one for
the Class of 2009:
http://www.beloit.edu/~pubaff/mindset/

Still plenty of summer concerts left, so check out what's
coming to your area:
http://www.aoltickets.com/feature.adp?zip=&brand=aolboxoffice&id=summerconcerts_national

Great templates for everything from greeting cards to
schedules to fundraisers and wedding planning even
some for Microsoft programs (Excel, Word, Power Point,
Publisher, and Front Page.)
http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/templates/default.aspx

Listen to live radio online from BBC Radio 4 or free trial
on podcasting (complete with podcasting software)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/

Well we all love Google, Gmail is not only handy but forced
the size of your email storage to increase with whatever
web client (Hotmail, Yahoo, Myway, Excite, etc.) you use
but now there are more new additions to their software:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/25/technology/circuits/25pogue.html

Only for windows users
http://www.google.com/downloads/

If you haven't looked you might be surprised by all that
Google has to offer (specialized searches, a chance to beta
test in Google Labs, Blogger, Picassa for Pictures, Earth
to explore the planet, translate web pages, and more).
http://www.google.com/intl/en/options/


Interesting section on Creationism vs. Intelligent Design
vs. Evolution from the NY Times
http://www.nytimes.com/evolution


If you think it isn't made any more, check with Lehman's
before you give up. Originating as a store for the simple
life needs of the Amish, then expanding to sell overseas
to missionaries and doctors, then as energy became more
costly to those who wanted a more self sufficiant home.
Not the cheapest place to find some of these items but a
wonderful idea place for becoming more energy wise.
http://www.lehmans.com/index.jsp

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Fashions fade, style is eternal." ~~ Yves Saint Laurent

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying
on Air Force One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, You know, I
could throw a $1,000.00 bill out of the window right now
and make somebody very happy.

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied I could throw
ten $100.00 bills out of the window and make ten people
very happy.

Cheney added, That being the case, I could throw one
hundred $10.00 bills out of the window and make a
hundred people very happy.

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said
to his co-pilot, "such big-shots back there. Hell, I could
throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million
people very happy".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When:

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they
high-five each other.

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you
Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to
the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little
quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
"Whatever."

- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once
said..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this:
Old age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life,
the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my
body! I sometime despair over my body ... all the
wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt.
And often I am taken aback by that old person that
lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those
things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful
life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flat
belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself,
and less critical of myself. I've become my own
friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra
cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that
silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so
avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat,
to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many
dear friends leave this world too soon; before they
understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on
the computer until 4 a.m, and sleep until noon?


I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of
the 60's and 70's

and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost
love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched
over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with
abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances
from the bikini set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.

But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten ...
and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken

How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one,
or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets
hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength
and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken
is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of
being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair
turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched
into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed,
and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive.
You care less about what other people think.

I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old.
It has set me free.

I like the person I have become.
I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here,

I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or
worrying about what will be.

And I shall eat dessert every single day.

Author unknown!


Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this one:

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how
was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first
got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up
a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where
your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it
was too late to hit the delete button, nine months
later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More thoughts to Ponder

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

Can blind people see their dreams?

If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception
to that rule?

Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?

Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least
130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it
doesn't work anymore?

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?

If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do
it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all
masochist?

Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?

If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow",
when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"

Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions
and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?

Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when
we keep worthless junk in the garage?

Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of
they skating rings?

What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be
leaving a dump?

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty
is an egg?

If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens
chained to the counter?

What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an
Immovable Object?

What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw
hamburgers?

How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

How can you hear yourself think?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?

Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?

How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?

If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did
they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones
Christmas?

If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman
there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million
stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells
you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to
make sure?

If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making
marmalade?

Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to
put in your two cents worth?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?

If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light
- how fast is a moving light?

Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?

Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a
Momma's boy?

How can something be new and improved? if it's new,
what was it improving on?

Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the
loom?

Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line
registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and
Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a
chimney?

If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who
do you complain to?

If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you
tell them to go?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?

Why are turds pinched off at the end?

I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be
underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her
friends?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out
of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few
times, does he become disoriented?

How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?

What would you use to dilute water?

What should one call a male ladybird?

How can military troops be deployed if they have never
been ployed to begin with?

If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians
government, where would they send you?

Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the
hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your a**?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
back to?

Aren't all generalizations false?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling
Movie! Movie!?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so,
how could you treat them?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he
sticks his head out the window!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite
a lot and quite a few are alike?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as
hell another?

How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How come you press harder on a remote control when
you know the battery is dead?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking
empty?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work
in the mornings?

How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so
you're never in darkness?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a
sound?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it?

If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a
sound and would anyone care?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter
butler?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or
a lemon called a yellow?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

How many people thought of the Post-It note before it
was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it
down on?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't
grow in it?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are
there locks on the doors?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home,
why not move 10 miles away?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station
is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on
my desk?

If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case
of the applause?

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always
lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied
buttered bread on top of a cat?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe
him?

If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?

If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned
on your radio would you be able to hear it?

If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash
his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
UP?

If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep
doing it?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make
TEFLON stick to the pan?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest
have to drown too?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from Holland called Holes?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of
congress?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came
up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek,
does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix
it with?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue
is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he
has the right to remain silent?

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged
with battery?

If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic,
wouldn't they call you first?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with
their lights off?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
beeth?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines
be shaped differently?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair
of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?

If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's
license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without
getting wet?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards,
would the driver end up owing you money?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but one of them, what do you call it?

If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends
Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for
them?

If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that
says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear",
how can that be possible?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something
keep going wrong?

If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime
for a neighbor, will he complain?

If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you
go back in time?

If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know
when you're done?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you take a shower, where do you put it?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty
litter?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read
correctly?

If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would
they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?

Is there a Dr. Salt?

Isn't hot water already hot?

Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience
cocoons in their stomach?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?

What came first the chicken or the egg?

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?

What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked
unconscious?

What do sheep count when they can't sleep?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal
that eats only endangered plants?

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits
foot?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a
bald man?

What happened to the first 6 ups?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

What is the speed of dark?

What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal
that is eating an endangered plant?

What's another word for synonym?

When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know
when they are done wiping their butt?

When people lose weight, where does it go?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on
their signs?

When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever
tempted to eat themselves?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant
to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does
he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you
pack it in?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Who invented accents?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an
"s" in it?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book
publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
prohibited there?

Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company
painted orange?

Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing
room?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead
of parachutes?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the
sudden stop?

Why aren't there bulletproof pants?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to
the light side of the Force?

Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop
eventually?

Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band
sound like?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside
down?

Why do guys wear underpants?

Why do people who only eat natural foods drink
decaffeinated coffee?

Why is the blackboard green?

Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?

Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls
come in packs of 10?

What do you call male ballerinas?

How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair
lighter?

If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you
come out with your feet
first?

Why are pennies bigger than dimes?

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black
stripes?

If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop"
why do they come with a resealable lid?

Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?

What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The math teacher saw that one of his students wasn't
paying attention in class. So she called on him and said,
"Bobby What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

She was surprised and not prepared for his quick answer,
"CBS, NBC, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet
dachshund when a passerby asked him "why in the world
he would buy such an "uncowboy-like" dog.

The cowboy answered, "somebody told me to get along
little doggie."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a
donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer
agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son,
but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked ,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two
dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of
Enron

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's
heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally
stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
"Mary, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged because since
you were able to jump in and save the life of another
patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself
with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but
he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there
to dry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness
by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they
had been traveling in circles. "We're lost!" One of the
hikers complained. "And you said you were the best
guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have
wandered into Canada."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Vicki for this one:

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came
upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the
other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me
the strength to cross the river."


Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was
able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost
drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God,
please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong
legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after
almost capsizing.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man
prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and
the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map,
hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across
the bridge.

GO AHEAD! SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS
A GOOD LAUGH...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Anita for this from

Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling
through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping
that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news
96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot
in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's
"too spendy", you might live in Wisconsin.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through
March, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out
of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't
work there, you might live in Wisconsin.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard
of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett," you
might live in Wisconsin.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with
someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in
Wisconsin.

If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha,
Menomonie & Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might
live in Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a
dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-
blue waters", ....you might live in Wisconsin.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a
tractor on the Highway.
2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the
weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than
once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day
and back again.
6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on
Sunday.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during
a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events
(including weddings and funerals ).
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and
venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or
girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at
Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes
are filled with snow.
15. You refer to the Packers as "we."
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter and road construction.
17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.
20. You know how to polka.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer
next to your blue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
23. Down South to you means Illinois.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
26. You go out to fish fry every Friday
27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."
30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward
them to all your Wisconsin friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these Words
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this
year's winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone
layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
(What a delightful word! This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action!

Dopeller effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed
just after you've accidentally walked through a spider
web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and
cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an
as*shole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these quotes:

Inside every older lady is a younger lady wondering
what in the world happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But
I can usually shut her up with cookies. -Rita Rudner

The hardest years in life are those between ten and
seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of
them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get
worse. -Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never
owned a car. -Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry
with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first
being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must
do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother"is redundant. -Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in
through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as
men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not
difficult. -Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several
days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to
be a horrible warning. -Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids
for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing
loss. And they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I
know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing
them. -Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride
on. -Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.. -Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you
want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man,
I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally thanks to Sheila for these
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Preliminary
2. Constitution
3. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Proliferation
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO
SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more for me.
3. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail
address so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.


If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing
please respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.