FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 14

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 14 May 20, 2007

Ok I am going to try to get back to normal now. First I was
working extra hours at work while getting ready for house
guests at home. The kids came from out east and we had a
great time. We also had a postal increase so I have been
trying to revise all my listings on Ebay. Outside of being
tired its time to get back to the normal schedule of things.

Gas saving tips
http://jalopnik.com/cars/and-you-will-know-us-by-the-trail-of-parts/gas-saving-tips-for-flummoxed-drivers-261618.php

We all like a bargin but do you know what you should never
buy used? Here is a list from MSN Money: http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/FindDealsOnline/10ThingsYouShouldNeverBuyUsed.aspx?wa=wsignin1.0

Who's on the Time Magazine's Most Influential List and maybe
more important who isn't
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070503/D8OSSOOO0.html

The official list
http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/time100/article/0,28804,1595326_1595332,00.html

Did anyone's kids see this giant faux paux? You just have to watch
what they watch.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070502/D8OSFKFO1.html

Somebody should sue this guy for being a pain in the pants
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070503/D8OSRVJO0.html

The idea is to complete 50 craft or art projects of your choice
during 2007. (That's less than one project a week!)
http://community.livejournal.com/50projects07/

That's just one of the 105 members currently participating
in this great project. To get some great craft ideas or to join
http://community.livejournal.com/50projects07/profile

10 Reasons to Eat Locally
http://fogcity.blogs.com/jen/2005/08/10_reasons_to_e.html

You just have to love these guys and the tips they come up with:
http://lifehacker.com/software/organization/organize-your-rewarddiscountmembership-cards-234306.php

This is a group blog written by authors who are interested in
the benefits of eating food grown & produced in their local area.
http://www.eatlocalchallenge.com/

Remember Twin Peaks? David Lynch may not have become
a household name when his innovative television series aired
around the world for two seasons in the early nineties but he
sure has some interesting art phases.
http://thecityofabsurdity.com/index.html

These photos will have been taken that day, and each day will
be a different person. Some will be in the studio, some will be
in the wild. Hopefully they will all be interesting.
http://www.365portraits.com/

Dress Britany for the Funny Farm
http://www.heavy.com/dressup/britneyspears/index.php?partner=aff50

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style."
~~ Quentin Crisp

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much
money."
~~ Robin Williams

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The statistic on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think
of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I
gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take
more than one night.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OBSERVATIONS:

"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than
you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"

"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of
Our Country."

"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is
cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."

"Swimming is not a sport, swimming is a way to keep from
drowning! That's just common sense!"

"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day,"
I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have
all day?"

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots
wore helmets."

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"Experience is the name every one gives to their
mistakes."

"There is only one thing in life worse than being
talked about, and that is not being talked about."

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either."

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently
three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than
any invention in human history -- with the possible
exceptions of handguns and tequila."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light
into a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an
instant dislike to it and at the next yard sale, it was the
first thing she put out.

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check
it out and finally bought it.

"That'll look great in your home," I said.

"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me. My bridge club is having
a charity sale and we were asked to bring the most hideous
thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why My Dog Won't Use a Computer

1. Can't stick his head out of Windows `98

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

3. Too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

4. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears,
"You've got mail."

5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.

7. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

9. "Sit" and "Stay" were hard enough;
"Delete" and "Save" are out of the question!

10. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOoTgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
("Too hard to type with paws!")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete"
and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and
control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette
to recover from a crash.

We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on "back".

Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".

If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was really surprised when I stumbled on this on one of my
web wanderings, as I have been looking for my copy for quite
some time. I went on a bus trip with my Mom and two of my
aunts, many years ago, and they had this in a magazine that
they available to pass the time on the long ride. I read it
quietly to my Mom, who then insisted that I repeat it for her
sisters, sitting behind us. While doing so, as quietly as I could,
of course, I was still overheard. Needless to say, before I could
think of anyway out of doing so, the agent running the trip,
and the bus driver, had a microphone stuck in my face insisting
that I repeat it one more time, so they could all enjoy it, as they
had a hard time understanding it themselves when trying to
read it. Many of the other guests who were traveling with us
said that now, upon hearing me read it, it all seemed to suddenly
make sense. They were all enjoying it and laughing so hard
that no one even noticed just how embarrassed I was at the
time, See if you can make sense of the following exchange...

TENDJEWBERRYMUD

Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the end
of the conversation...... Read aloud for best results.

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a
while after reading this.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest
and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo
one toes 'means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'Fine.

Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy,
singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Golden Books That Never Made It:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curios George and the High Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets A Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. You Were An Accident
19. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
20. Pop! Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games
21. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
22. Your Nightmares are Real
23. Where would You Like To Be Buried?
24. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
25. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
26. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one
hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes,
and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few
friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via
the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on
the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for
email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if
it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget
to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is windows a virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down
the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system
is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. -
Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are
fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by
their authors, are running on most systems, their program
code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become
more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the HELL is wrong with
you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I’m driving.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've
used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was
the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new
white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started
to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started
becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and
somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I
grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my
surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came
by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were
negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no
longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without
being a murder suspect! I thank you, again, for having a great
product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Robin for these:

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces,
this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call,
you didn't write!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls
like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to
get that schmutz off the
ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card are you? Show me!
Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap
like other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac,
you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" Oka y, so I'm proud that you invented the electric
light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man,
midnight is long past your bedtime!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph, and you couldn't have done
something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert schmesert!! Where have you really been for the
last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates