FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 32

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 32 December 15, 2006

First I have to say HAPPY HANUKKAH and
MERRY CHRISTMAS, for those celebrating
KWANZAA, HABARI GANI?"

Well as usual at this time of year the weeks slipped by
while I ran about like a loon never quite accomplishing
all the things on my list so today is catch up time. I hope
to have one more issue before the end of the year but I
doubt it will be before Christmas. I still have to do my
shipping and my cards, my baking will be done with the
grandkids this year, oh yeah and that wrapping part, I
have everything assembled so that is today's project.

I found hundred of cookie recipes here:
http://www.christmas-cookies.com/

Want to see where Santa is by radar?
http://www.noradsanta.org/index.php

First before the rest of the holiday goodies,
Sheila sent me this collection of the top songs from
1954 through 1982, about 700 songs. Also, if you are
already sick of Christmas music there are many more
songs. This is going on my favorites list!
http://www.tropicalglen.com/

Thanks to Andrea for this tax credit we can take
http://www.snopes.com/business/taxes/excise.asp

She also sent this: Have you ever wondered why phone
companies don't seem interested in trying to prevent
the theft of mobile phones?
http://www.snopes.com/crime/prevent/celltheft.asp

PLEASE NOTE: No charge for directory assistance -
Phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for
411 - information calls when they don't have to
- When you need to use the 411 information option,
simply dial 1-800-FREE-411 or 1-800 373 3411
without incurring a charge.

THIS WORKS ON HOME PHONES
AND CELL PHONES!!!!

Thanks to my sister for the fun penguins
http://www.star28.net/snow.html

Erin sent this link for a simpler Christmas
http://www.stretcher.com/stories/06/06nov20a.cfm

This came from Erin as well: Tis the season for new
electronics so. . .Remember to erase your hard drive.
Check with computer corporations on instructions for
wiping your hard drive of information, or purchase
software specifically for that purpose. eBay also
provides information on erasing hard drives and cell
phones. Did you know that Computers for Learning
(CFL) provides free computers and associated
equipment to schools (including home schools) and
educational non-profit organizations?
http://computers.fed.gov/public/aboutEligibility.asp.

More Recycle and Donation Resources:
Gateway: http://gateway.eztradein.com/gateway/ or www.gateway.com/about/corp_responsibility/env_options.shtml
The Rethink Initiative on E-Bay: http://rethink.ebay.com/
Hewlett-Packard: www.hp.com/recycle
Dell: www.dell.com/recycle
National Cristina Foundation: www.cristina.org/index.html
Computers For Learning: http://computers.fed.gov/Public/aboutProg.asp

Since Hanukkah is first I have opened to that page
BUT links for Christmas and Kwanzaa are there too
http://www.phillyburbs.com/hanukka/

Not all ecard sites have Hanukkah cards. Here are a few:
http://www.cyberspaceholidays.com/hanukkah4.html
http://www.123greetings.com/events/hanukkah/
http://www.greeting-cards.com/category.jsp?categoryTreeId=%7B742b5c19-82a2-0b66-e034-080020858268%7D

Hannukah started December 15
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Hannukah.html

And here is my Christmas Page too
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Christmas.html

Lots of fun for the family here:
http://xmasfun.com/Downloads.asp

Email Santa your letter this year
http://www.emailsanta.com/email_santa.asp

How to Make Your Christmas Lights Flash to Music
Make-Your-Christmas-Lights-Flash-to-Music

Holiday Guide to Buying Wine
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/26/dining/26wine.html?ex=1165467600&en=2757f898609d6988&ei=5070

15 Oddball Gift Sites
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,127972/article.html

An amazing page of fun and inspiration
http://www.tomslighthouse.net/

Not your ordinary paper snowflake. This is 3D
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-3D-Paper-Snowflake

This site has insights on modern life that can be boiled
down to a simple equation, such as “Brunch = Breakfast
+ Lunch + Cantaloupe,” “Paternity = What? + Are You
Sure?” and “Safety = What Would Your Mom Say?/
Ignore Your Mom.”
http://morenewmath.com/

Check out this site "What's the Meaning of This?"
http://www.rootsweb.com/~genepool/meanings.htm

Identify spoofed websites article
http://www.htmlgoodies.com/beyond/security/article.php/3473221

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts to Ponder

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers
and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs
on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're
celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred
Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are
giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney
before Santa Claus does.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing
carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way
through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas
pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and
they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the
other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is
on a mobile/cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
I know. I know. I know that people say "It's the thought
that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a
little bigger!

Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and
still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!

Father to three-year old: "No, a reindeer is not a horse
with TV antenna."

Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and
more a Clearance Sale.

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and
thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa Card Statement
twelve months a year also.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive.
This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it
to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in
different paper, so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.

When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a
Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.

Christmas is a time when people get emotional over
family ties, particularly if they have to wear them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So how many versions are there of the Night Before
Christmas? Well thanks to the ladies in my eBay
group we are collecting them so I have posted some
of them here.

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Revised Version
by Judy Carlson

'Twas the night before Christmas,and I couldn't sleep.
My sister was snoring too loudly--the creep!
So in my nightie, with socks on my feet,
Skipped out to the kitchen to see what was to eat.

I was stuffing down cookies when I heard someone humming
the theme song from STAR WARS--someone was coming!
Then from the chimney, I heard a loud crash,
And out of the fireplace fell a girl (and some ash)."

Oh, hi," she said calmly, dripping snow water,
"I'm Holly St. Nicholas--Santa's granddaughter."
She was dressed in old jeans and had curly red hair,
And her coat that read "North Pole is Cool" had a tear.

"Where's Santa?" I asked. "I hope he's all right."
"Oh, yes," Holly said. "He's on TV tonight!
Johnny Carson asked gramps to guest-host his show.
He needed exposure. He needed the dough.

His income from visiting stores wasn't good,
So he acquired an agent. He's gone Hollywood!
He's in CHRISTMAS LAGOON--co-starring Brooke Shields,
Next is SMOKEY AND SANTA with cute Sally Field."

Then Holly Claus groaned as she looked in her sack.
"This bag is no feather--my poor aching back!"
"Some oranges and walnuts," I cried. "Is that IT?"
She shrugged and said, "Yep. Inflation has hit."

Then she looked at her watch and said, "Oh, no! I'm late.
I must be in Oshkosh at twelve fifty-eight."
I looked at the reindeer. "Are these the well-known?"
Holly said, "No--they have careers of their own."

"Comet and Cupid dance on Lawrence Welk.
Dasher's in nature films, passing off as an elk.
Fly! is a rock group with Prance, Dance, and Vixen.
Donner does nightclubs with impressions of Nixon.

"I've named them these nice new ones after my favorite men!
"She sprang to her sleigh. "Time to call them again!
On Redford, Travolta, and B. Manilow!
On Pacino, DeNiro, and John McEnroe!

"To the corner split-level, to the new shopping mall!
Dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!
"Then I heard her exclaim as she lurched out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then there is the Teacher`s version

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste;
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash;
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;

"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.

First came a basket of popcorn to string
Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;
The pupils were merrily romping about.

The state they were in could lead to a riot;
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!

The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it; they did every year.

A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.

But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.

As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,

She smiled as she whispered,"Merry Christmas to All"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Al Bundy Version

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
No food was a-stirrin',
Not even a mouse.

Stockings were hung round
Dad's neck like a tie,
Along with a note that said,
"Presents or die.

"Children were plotting
All night in their beds,
While the wife's constant whining
Was splitting his head.

But daddy had money
This year in the bank,
Then they closed up early,
And now dad's in a tank.

All of a sudden,
Santa appeared,
A sneer on his face,
Booze in his beard.

"Santa," I said,
As he laughed merrily,
"You do so much for others,
Do something for me."

"Bundy," he said,
"You only sell shoes,
Your son is a sneak thief,
Your daughter's a floose."

"Ho ho," Santa said,
"Should I mention your wife?
Her hair's like an A-bomb,
Her nails like a knife."

He climbs up the chimney,
That fat piece of dung,
He mooned me two times,
He stuck out his tongue.

I heard him exclaim,
As he broke wind with glee,
"You're married with children,
You'll never be free."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Assembly Required
by Unknown
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand.
"And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!
"Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,

Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded;
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - At The Mall
by Unknown

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the mall,
Not a creature was idle, shoppers least of all;
The merchandise was placed in the windows with care,
In hopes that great sale shoppers soon would be there.

The parents were hoping to keep out of the red,
While visions of tax returns danced in their heads;
And Ma in her overcoat and Pa in his fleece,
Headed to the mall despite a tight winter squeeze.

When out from the womenswear, there arose such a clatter,
We looked up from our wares to see what was the matter.
Away to the sales rack we flew like a flash,
Tore off the clothing and paid it with cash.

The moms with kids were all in tow,
The stores were all aglow,
When all at once we saw him appear,
A fat old man with a great white beard!

With all the bustle so lively and quick,
We knew in a moment it was just a trick.
Ten bucks for a photo, on the lap of a man?
Better to catch bargains and shop while we can!

"Now Visa! now Mastercard! and American Express!
On Discover, on bank cards, on personal checks!
To the front of the line, to the front of the store!
I want it all! And I want it more!"

As we marched to the car with bags in our hands,
We were startled to see a hungry old man.
As he watched us walk past, down his face rolled a tear.
His clothes were dull rags, and no one drew near.

And suddenly, we felt so ashamed.
The fake glow from the stores had already waned.
For here was someone who reminded us so dear,
Of One who had come to end all our fear.

And lo! Above the mounting spectacle of greed,
Shone a bright star for all to take heed;
That Christmas is more than material things,
It is HIM who we celebrate, and the joy that He brings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Catmas Version
by Unknown

Twas the night before Catmas
When all through the house
Not an animal was stirring,
Not even the mouse.

The kitties were snuggled
And tucked in their beds,
While visions of cat goodies
Danced in their heads.

Their stockings were hung
By the cat bowls with care,
In hope that Father Catmas
Soon would be there.

Out on the rooftop
There arose such a hissing,
I knew Father Catmas
Was having trouble parking.

I jumped on the couch,
Stuck my nose to the curtain.
"Here he is!", I purred"
It is him, I'm certain."

What to my deep blue eyes
Should appear,
But Father Catmas himself
In his Catsled gear.

He purred and he purred,
But through the kitty door he went,
Then stopped and smelled the air
As he picked up a scent.

The cat cookies we left him
Were by the back door.
The kitties had baked them
Not an hour before.

He went about his work
With never a sigh,
Filling the stockings
With toys piled high.

He waved at me
With his mighty paw.
Although I was hiding,
'Twas my little nose he saw.

Out the kitty door he went
In oh such a rush,
Jumped on his catsled
And yelled out, "MUSH!"

The eight Maine Coon cat team
Were raring to go.
They hated 'stand stay',
Especially in the snow.

I could hear him hissing
As he disappeared that night,
"Merry Catmas to all!
OK team, turn rrrrright!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - College Version
by Unknown

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She started to bellow:

"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Dieter's Version
by Unknown

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Politically Correct
by Ehrlich, Harvey

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift,
it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Parent's Version
by Unknown

Twas the night before Christmas (12:15 am),
and all through the house,
All the kids were stirring, even the mouse;
The stockings were hung by the stove with care,
With mom on the floor pulling out her hair;

1:10 the children were wrestled and tied to their beds,
While visions of bikes and Barbie danced in their heads;
And mamma with her nerve pills. and I with my gin,
Had just sat down with the big pile of tin;

When out in the street there rose such a clatter,
I threw down the bike to see what's the matter;
Away to the door I flew like a flash,
Stepping on the cat, in my curious dash.

I stood on the porch and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind me, and I was locked out.
When what to my tearing eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;

With a little old man, so perky and quick,
I knew in a moment it was St. Nick.
He turned to me and said with a pause,
My name is Santa...the last name is Clause"

I was startled, confused all the same,
A little buzzed as I heard him exclaim;
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."

With all his help it seemed to be fit,
To ask him to sit with the kids for a bit;
His eyes-how they twinkled-his dimples so merry,
His cheeks red as a rose, his nose like a cherry;

He had a red face and a round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.
He said "Don't worry son, the stress that you feel now is a test,
In around 18 years you will finally get to rest;

Kicking the dog from his way, he turned to his work,
Filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And putting his finger inside of his nose,
And giving me a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He ran to his sleigh, to his team he gave a shout,
"Lets go guys, its time to head out."
But I heard him yell, as he flew out of sight,
"Remember, 18 years, then you will be alright."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Top 16 Rejected Candy Bars

16 Kevorkian Krunch -- dying for some chocolate?
15 Spittles
14 The 100,000 Peso Bar
13 Hershey's Hickeys -- when Kisses just ain't enough
12 Reese's Peanut Butter D-Cups
11 Buttafucofinger
10 Rocky Mountain Oyster Pops
9 Prunettes -- for the mature Raisinette lover
8 Malted Mothballs
7 Boutros-Boutros Bon-Bons
6 Pepsodent Patty
5 Phlegm & M's
4 Leper Bears -- melts in your mouth AND in your hands
3 Boogerfinger
2 That Ain't Nougat!
and the #1 Rejected Candy Bar...
1 Zits Ahoy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the
car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not
contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look
and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this
is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of
it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face
when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell
his story.

Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then
he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill
used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and
one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other
across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an
angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them,
"As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been
given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished
to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the
bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes,
the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel
tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left,

"Would you care to do it again?"He asks her.

"Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon
down, and you shit on its head."

.......AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and
coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry
right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the
edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something."A
bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes
my desire for food."

Come dinner time she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious
apple pie?Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the
Viagra...I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up?
I'm starving."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am
not available right now, but thank you for caring enough
to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave
a message after the beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's
house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked
straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for
a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could
make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces
without asking."

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's
one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see
something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those
who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son,
"We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
"Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance
to McDonald's."

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your
glasses.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to
know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to
think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps
getting harder to find one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for these:
1. Don't change horses......................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.........................bug is close.
3. Its always darkest before................Daylight Savings.
4. Never underestimate the power of........ Termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ..... How?
6. Don't bite the hand that...........looks dirty.
7. No news is...............................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a.................. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.......stink in the
morning.
11. Love all, trust........................ Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ......... Pigs.
13. An idle mind is.........................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's............ Pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......................not much.
17. Two's company, three's............Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .... You put on to go
to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry.......
and you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as...............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not..........spanked or
grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you...........see in
the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind..............get out of the
way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than.........................pregnant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these:

GIFTS ANYONE CAN [AND, MAYBE, SHOULD] GIVE:

Holiday gift suggestions:
To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service.
To all, charity. To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.
-- Oren Arnold

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Thanks and have a great week! MERRY CHRISTMAS

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates