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Monday, January 31, 2005

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 4

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 4 January 31, 2005

February 2 is Groundhogs Day and provides lots of fun
for kids and adults who are young at heart. Do you think
he will see his shadow?

The Official Site of Punxsutawney Phil
http://www.groundhog.org/

More on Phil
http://www.punxsutawneyphil.com/

For the origins of Groundhogs Day and Punxsutawney
Phil and reports of his sightings back to 1973 see
http://www.gojp.com/groundhog/

More on the origins and sightings back to 1887. The
weather almanac people have greeting cards for this
momentous day too!
http://www.stormfax.com/ghogday.htm

Where the heck is Punxsutawney anyway?
(For those at work, this site has loud music.)
http://users.penn.com/~mweimer/

Committee for the Commercialization of Groundhog Day
http://www.groundhogsday.com/
For those who don't live on the east coast there are other
Groundhogs...Ours is in Sun Prarie WI (his name is Jimmy)
We can make anything about food, here we have a breakfast
and also offer chocolate groundhogs here:
http://www.carla-online.com/seasonal/groundhogsday/

Peewee is from Vermont
http://www.vtonly.com/peewee.htm

Canada's Groundhog is Wiarton's Wee Willie and his
celebration includes a winter festival with winter olympics,
parade, dart tournament, hockey, skating,Monte Carlo
Night, curling, craft show, art show, dancing, even a luau!
http://www.wiarton-willie.org/index.cfm

The Yellow River Game Ranch in Georgia has General Beau
Lee Ph. D performing the duty on a 24 acre animal preserve
http://www.yellowrivergameranch.com/ghday.htm

Even more Groundhogs!http://www.groundhogsday.com/groundhogcentral.html
http://www.uen.org/utahlink/activities/view_activity.cgi?activity_id=5335
http://www.hoghaven.com/
http://www.birminghamzoo.com/

Songs for Groundhog's Day
http://ourworld.cs.com/DonaldRHalley/ghdsongs.htm
http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/631/files/grndhgcarols.htm


Mardi Gras season is well underway with daily parades
starting tomorrow
http://www.nola.com/mardigras/parades/?content/daycal.html

Many great sites out there to catch the action even if you
can't go yourself:
http://www.mardigras.com/http://mglinks.com/

mother lode of links
http://www.mardigrasday.com/mardigras/
http://www.mardigrasneworleans.com/
http://www.mardigrasdigest.com/
http://www.mardigrasunmasked.com/
http://www.howstuffworks.com/mardi-gras.htm

Origin of Chinese New Year
http://www.cikgu.net/malay/chinese/origin.php3

Since Chinese New Year is 2-9-05 this year we will have
more on this next week, but to get started
http://www.chinapage.com/newyear.html
http://www.muddlepuddle.co.uk/Chinese%20new%20year/chinese%20taboos.htm

And we thought our unemployment was tough
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/01/30/wgerm30.xml

It's incredibly useful, a feminine swiss army knife and check
out the Lolliclock for a cute little clock on a stick that works
stuck in vases or pencil holders so takes no space on your desk.
http://missakit.com/

I got this from Erin and lost it so thanks to Andrea for
this fun and educational place the state game
http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/states_experiment_drag-drop_Intermed_State15s_500.html


Found a great poetry site
http://www.poets.org/index.cfm

Did you know?
It was decided by one vote the Declaration of
Independence was written in English and not German.

Very young calves are sometimes fed magnets in order to
prevent hardware disease because it keeps metal objects
(nails, bits of wire) swallowed in a ball to reduce chances of
penetrating internal organs.

The US was undefeated in the Americas Cup for 132 years.

Dolly Parton met her husband at a Wishy Washy Laundromat.

Boiled water freezes faster than tap water because hot water
evaporates during the freezing process causing less ice but
faster freezing time.

I keep saying you can buy anything on eBay. Just look at this
from CoffeeBreak "Texas snowball melts eBay wallets,
Although they could find an abundance in the Midwest
Wednesday, people bid fast and furiously for Texas snowballs
being auctioned off on eBay. One auction, for a snowball made
Christmas Eve in Laguna Vista, Texas, was up to $1,225 with
44 bids as of midday Wednesday. Another, hawked as "the
purest south Texas snow" from McAllen, was up to $997.

Patricia Lucas, 18, of Sugar Land was among the Texans trying
to turn the white into green, the Los Angeles Times reported.
The sale is "probably weird for people who live up north and
see snow all the time," Lucas said. But it had been decades since
Houston had snow for Christmas and more than 100 years since
snow fell in the Rio Grande Valley. Lucas said she is selling only
one snowball and keeping others "maybe forever.""People sell
crazy stuff on eBay, and I figured someone would buy a
snowball," Lucas said. "
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1467&item=5552963921&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

Or the price is more reasonable for Arizona snow I guess
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1467&item=5554419230&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

You missed your chance for a New England snowman
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=88433&item=5552983155&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

The holidays are over; are you sick of cooking? Thanks to Real
Simple for these ideas on turning take out into company food
in no time. Try 'em on Superbowl Sunday!

BTW thanks to Dan and Erin for my subscription I love it!

Mediterranean Bruschetta
start with:
Garlic bread from your favorite Italian spot.

to make:
Slather slices with prepared marinara or pesto sauce.
Top with goat cheese or mozzarella, a marinated pepper,
or an oil-packed sun-dried tomato, then toast in the oven.

Guacamole-stuffed Cherry Tomatoes
start with:
Fresh guacamole from a gourmet market.

to make:
Take a pint of cherry tomatoes, cut off the tops, and scoop
out the seeds. Take a thin slice off the bottom of each to help
it stand up. Fill each with guacamole and top with a cilantro
leaf.

Taco casserole.
start with:
Turn Mexican takeout into a meal by layering chicken, beef,
and bean soft-shell tacos in a baking pan. Top with salsa and
grated queso fresco or Monterey jack and bake till bubbly.
Serve with guacamole on the side.

Burrito Buffet
start with:
Request 8 soft flour tortillas, 1 large serving of Mexican rice
(about 2 cups), and 1 order each of salsa, beans, guacamole,
chicken or beef strips, plus any tasty-sounding salads on
offer that day. Place the ingredients in festive serving dishes
and place on a buffet table, along with 1 sliced avocado (rub
a little lime juice on the flesh to keep it from turning brown),
1 cup grated Cheddar or crumbled queso fresco (white
Mexican cheese available at some supermarkets), 1/2 cup
sour cream, 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro, 3 sliced scallions
(or 2 tablespoons minced red onion), and additional lime
wedges. Let people assemble their burritos as they like.
Serves: 6 to 8 as a main course.

Chicken- or Shrimp-boat Hors d'oeuvres
start with:
Your favorite chicken or shrimp Chinese stir-fry.

to make:
Mound spoonfuls of stir-fry into the cuplike center leaves
from a head of Boston lettuce. If desired, top the boats with
chopped nuts or scallion slices.

Asian-Mexican fusion.
start with:
Roll any dish with rice and some soy sauce in a giant tortilla.
Slice into single-serving pieces.

Antipasto Platter
start with:
Assorted salad-bar treats.

to make:
Arrange Swiss and Cheddar cheese cubes, prosciutto and
salami slices, marinated vegetables (artichoke hearts, red
peppers, mushrooms), mixed olives, and giant capers on a
platter.

Dressy Artichoke Chicken Salad
start with:
1 roasted chicken Toss the shredded meat from 1 roasted
chicken with 3 tablespoons good-quality purchased
vinaigrette (or blend 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, 2
teaspoons red wine vinegar, and 1 crushed garlic clove), plus
1 cup drained and chopped marinated artichoke hearts, and
1 cup cubed fresh mozzarella or crumbled fresh goat cheese.
Serve over washed baby greens (No bagged lettuce for me
because of the nitrates but the recipe says 2 bags should be
enough). Season with freshly ground black pepper.
Serves: 4 to 6 people.

Now my next suggestion is get out the slow cooker use your
favorite recipe for chili, stew, even a can of chili and Velveeta
mixed together (trust me they will love it) served with tortilla
chips or give this next recipe a shot:

Tuscan Pot Roast
hands-on time: 30 minutes
total time: 4 1/2 hours or 8 1/2 hours
makes 6 to 8 servings
Egg noodles on the side will soak up the delicious gravy.
1/3 cup olive oil
2 1/2- to 3-pound bottom-round pot roast
2 large onions, quartered
2 celery stalks, thinly sliced (2 cups)
2 large carrots, thinly sliced (2 cups)
3 garlic cloves, minced1 6-ounce can tomato paste
1 cup dry red wine
1 1/2-ounce package dried mushrooms
(such as portobello)
1 tablespoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 28-ounce can whole plum tomatoes, chopped, liquid reserved
Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat and
brown the roast on all sides. Transfer the roast to a 4- to 6-
quart slow cooker. To the fat remaining in the skillet, add the
onions, celery, carrots, and garlic. Cook, stirring frequently,
until tender, about 10 minutes. Add the tomato paste and
stir to coat the vegetables; transfer to the cooker. Pour the
wine into the skillet and scrape up any browned bits; add
the contents of the skillet to the cooker, along with the
mushrooms, salt, oregano, and tomatoes (plus 1 cup of their liquid).
Cook 8 hours on low heat, or 4 hours on high heat.
to make it without a slow cooker
hands-on time: 30 minutes
total time: 3 1/2 hours makes 6 to 8 servings
Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat and
brown the roast on all sides. Transfer roast to a heavy
casserole. To the fat remaining in the skillet, add the onions,
celery, carrots, and garlic. Cook, stirring frequently, until
tender, about 10 minutes. Add the tomato paste and stir
to coat the vegetables; transfer to the casserole. Pour the
wine into the skillet and scrape up any browned bits; add
the contents of the skillet to the casserole, along with the
mushrooms, salt, oregano, and tomatoes (plus 1 cup of
their liquid). Cover the casserole and cook in a 300º F
oven for 3 hours or until the meat is very tender, adding
more of the tomato liquid if necessary.

If you can't wait for the football part
http://www.superbowl.com/
or do you really just watch for the commercials?
http://www.superbowl-ads.com/

Personally I am into the company and the food.
Try the easiest Taco Dip ever.
Spread 8 oz cream cheese on large plate.
Spread 10 oz sour cream over that
Pour on a jar of favorite salsa or taco sauce
Top with shredded cheese (any of the taco/mexican kind
work the best but even plain ole cheddar is fine)
Now get creative, do you have green onions with nice tops?
or black olives? Green, yellow or red peppers? Pick any or
all, chop or slice and decorate your dip in rings or sections.
If you are taking this somewhere just put the chopped
garnish in ziplocks and pick up the rest of the ingredients
on the way to the party.
Just grab a big plate, (I have a big metal one which travels
well) something to spread with (can double as serving
untensil), and your baggies. If you planned ahead, the
ingredients all can be in a bag ready to grab from the
fridge on the way to the party. Toss in your serving
plate, spreader and a bag or two of chips.
Don't be suprised when its all gone.

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual
anything. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever started a path? No one seaems willing to
do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely
start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't
lead anywhere. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch? I have trouble selecting
a wine in the morning. Sometimes I give up.
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting
into the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little
peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting
backward on the train."

"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting
across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm
going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch
my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a
member of the United States Congress?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's
all right. I'll trust you anyway."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking
the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny
and asked what he did over the break.

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney,
Pennsylvania," he replied.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the
teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come
to think of it, we went to Ohio."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys are in a bar. One says, "Did your hear the news?
Mike is dead!"

"Wow, what happened to him?"

"Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day
and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake
properly and boom! He hit the pavement and the car flips
up and he crashed through the sunroof. He went flying
through the air and smashed through my upstairs
bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's
landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in
broken glass on the floor. Then he spots the big old antique
wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle
to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when
bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of
him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he survived that. He manages to
get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He
tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight,
the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first
floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall
on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's
on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls
in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but
reached for a big pot of boiling hot water. Whoosh, the whole
thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the
ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and
tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs
the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the
water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted.
BAM, 10,000 volts shot through him!"

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he..."

"Hold on now, just how did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? Why did you shoot him?"


"He was wrecking my house."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When her late husband's will was read, a widow learned
he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman.
Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her
spouse's tombstone.

"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in
Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."

"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again.' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the
one I've never tried before." ~~ Mae West

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening
night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the
stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just
love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating
the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully
follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a
mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get
me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."


The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking
forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers
in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just
three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at
the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man
in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me."

The usher leads the man down to the second row and proudly
points out the empty seat right in the middle.

"Thanks so much," says the theatergoer. "This seat is perfect."
He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over, and whispers,
"The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No one should live by the early bird policy without finding
out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief
to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies...
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans. However, the French
eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans. Meanwhile, the Japanese drink very
little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British
or Americans while the Italians drink excessive amounts of
red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British
or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Apparently,
speaking English is what kills you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the back woods of Kentucky, a redneck's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no
electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I
am doing. " Soon, a baby boy was brought in to the world.

"Whoa there, " said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush
to put that lantern down. I think there's another one
coming."Sure enough, within minutes he delivered a baby
girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down yet; there's
another one! " said the doctor. And within a few more
minutes, he had delivered another baby girl.

"No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it
seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and
asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's
attractin' 'em?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this:
CDC Warning: New STD is Rampant
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning
about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease.
This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk
behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim
(pronounced "gonna re-elect him").

Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed
for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to
protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive sequelae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea
Lectim include, but are not limited to: Antisocial personality
disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic
flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme
cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information;
pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for
actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced
bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography
and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies;
and a strong propensity for categorical, all-OR nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and
epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant
disease originated only a few years ago in a Texas Bush.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these pick up lines:

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great
Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."


Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also from Erin

DEAR ABBY,

My husband has a long record of money problems.
He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the
month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying
I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and
let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can
hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our
neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The
few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been
giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even
more. Also, he has gotten religious in a big way, although
I don't quite understand it. One week he hangs out with
Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is
the Anti-Christ.

And now he has been going to the gym an awful lot and
is into wearing uniforms and cowboy outfits, and I hate
to think what that means. Finally, the last straw. He's
demanding that before anyone can be in the same room
with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly
creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

Dear Lost: Stop whining, Laura. You can divorce the jerk
any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for
four more years!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this:

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take
to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its
conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its
lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal
media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything
you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate
freedom?

Or

Question: How many Bush Administration officials does
it take to screw the country?

Answer: I'm still counting....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like
some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like
some fries with that?'" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Travel agent: "I can get you three days and two nights
in Rome for a hundred bucks."

Customer: "How come so cheap?"

Travel agent: "The days are July 11, 12 and 13. The nights
are July 21 and 22."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God looked at the earth and wanted to know what kind of
behavior was going on. He decided to send an angel down to
Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent
the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth;
95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." God thought for a
moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time
too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes,
it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5%
are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5%
that were good, because He wanted to encourage them.
Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

No? I didn't get one either.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby@charter.net with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Thanks and have a great week!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 3

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 3 January 27, 2005

Well I said you were getting two this week but I didn't
guarantee it would be early in the week. Next week I
should be back to my only slightly irregular schedule
(till my next trip).

The first month of the year January is a month to explore
new beginnings and innovative solutions.

Try these new Stress Busters
http://www.mbmi.org/pages/wi_ms1cc.asp

Of course the best stress buster is to get away (even if
you can't go a few minutes daydreaming just seems to
do us good. Here is a new site like google but for travel.
It searches dozens of websites for you.
http://www.mobissimo.com

But I have to say with day dreaming in mind Expedia with
their virtual tours is hard to beat and the prices are not too
bad either.
http://www.expedia.com

Talk about politically incorrect! The Vermont Teddy Bear
Co. is selling the $70 holiday gift, a Valentine's Day Teddy
in a straitjacket and comes complete with its own commit-
ment papers and is advertised "for someone you're crazy
about." The Vermont chapter of the National Alliance for
the Mentally Ill called the bear a "tasteless use of
marketing that stigmatizes persons with mental illness."
And the Vermont Association for Mental Health said it
diminished the plight of those who suffer from mental illness.
http://store.yahoo.com/vtbear/crazyforyou.html

This gets me going on a rant. Here the same people (the
Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals) who determined that the
phrase "under God" is offensive when uttered by school
children believe that calling a man a "pimp" is a compliment.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/internet/01/04/knievel.reut/


California Senator Barbara Boxer has been in the news lately.
This time at Condoleezza Rice's confirmation hearings http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050118/2005-01-18T190746Z_01_N18402944_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-BUSH-RICE-DC.html



If you are concerned about Social Security read:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/16/politics/16benefit.html?ei=5065&en=8fc5397cab02d3e0&ex=1106456400&partner=MYWAY&pagewanted=print&position=

Bush's stand on Social Security
http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050115/2005-01-15T163859Z_01_N15665852_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-RETIREMENT-BUSH-DC.html

If you have space on your wrist for yet another bracelet
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=519&u=/ap/20050115/ap_on_re_us/anti_bush_bracelets_3&printer=1

A Conservative Answer to Michael Moore
http://www.nysun.com/article/8027

Mr Blackwell's Best Dressed for 2004
http://www.amiannoying.com/(e22h0bqebyjb2n2hjtbnym45)/collection.aspx?collection=3824

Mr Blackwell's Worst Dressed for 2004
http://www.amiannoying.com/(e22h0bqebyjb2n2hjtbnym45)/collection.aspx?collection=3825

While you are there check out the 100 Most Annoying
http://www.amiannoying.com/(e22h0bqebyjb2n2hjtbnym45)/collection.aspx?collection=3734

Since February of 2003 Josh Rubin: Cool Hunting has been
a daily update on stuff that inspires Josh in his practice
as a designer and strategist. Today the site has grown and
includes stuff from contributing writers.
http://www.joshrubin.com/
http://www.joshrubin.com/coolhunting/

Checking in on sites from other issues
http://shes.aflightrisk.org/
http://www.savekaryn.com/
http://www.savekaryn-originalsite.com/
http://www.on-this-day.com/
http://www.megan.scatterbrain.org/notmartha/index.html
http://www.thriftdeluxe.com/
http://www.roadsidepeek.com/

Just need to pop some bubble wrap?
http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com/popnow.shtml

Funny answering machine messages (turn down speakers
at work because there is loud music playing)
http://www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor215.htm

Find out how popular your first name has been over the
past 100 years, just click below and enter your first name.
http://www.birthdayalarm.com/name

Listen to blues music online
http://www.bluescities.net/
http://www.thebluesnet.com/
http://windowsmedia.com/radiotuner/MyRadio.asp

Live from Blues Festivals
http://www.bealestreetcaravan.com/

More music
http://www.thebluehighway.com/linksra.html
http://www.wdcb.org/
http://knon.org/
http://www.wpfw.org/
New Orleans's http://www.wwoz.org/
St Louis' http://www.kdhx.org/
Roots Music http://www.thehound.net

Friday 8-10pm Pacific time streamed live at
http://www.khsu.org

Or all the time on shoutcast
http://www.allblues4u.com/
http://www.xpn.org/blues.php
http://www.xmradio.com/programming/channel_page.jsp?ch=74

Blues and Jazz
http://www.wglt.org/

From my home town comes the best for listening 24/7
online even though many types of music are played just
follow the blues drive 3-6 weekdays and download or
stream on RealPlayer for continuous Blues. They have
recorded shows archived here:
http://www.wmse.org/schedule.php

Tips on Identity Fraud from MSN
http://special.msn.com/money/0501idtheft.armx

How to choose storage organizers from MSN
http://women.msn.com/991333.armx

Tips on Storing Holiday Decorations from MSN
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Decorate/StoringHolidayDecorations.aspx

Even More Storage Suggestions
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Improve/11HiddenStorageSolutions0.aspx
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Improve/20KitchenStorageTips0.aspx
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Improve/KitchenandBathStorageIdeas0.aspx
http://houseandhome.msn.com/improve/efficientgaragestoragespaces0.aspx

What do you remember about 2004? Scroll all the way
down the site page for more on 2004 from MSN.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6707439/

Best Photos of 2004
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=sl&g=events/lf/120904pictures2004&e=1

Most emailed photos
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=sl&g=pop_mtp_all&e=1

For the really bizzarre: £2,850 haggis to celebrate Burns Night
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/01/25/nhaggis25.xml

For more on Burns Night (January 25th)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/scotland/history/burnsnight/
http://www.rabbie-burns.com/burnssupper/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oxymorons from George Carlin:
Resident Alien
Silent Alarm
Sports Sedan
Wireless Cable

More Oxymoron
http://www.oxymoronlist.com/
http://www.oxymorons.com/oxymorons.html
http://www.ethanwiner.com/oxymoron.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And from the Department of Redundancy Department
Advance planning
ATM machine (ATM= Automated Teller MACHINE)
Each and Every
End result
Free gift
Future plans
Past History
Period of time
PIN Number (pin= personal identification NUMBER)
The place where/ the time when/ the reason why
Unexpected surprise
Usual habit

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old married couple was driving through Arizona for the
first time. They came upon a mileage sign and the husband
says to his wife "Oh, look, we're 30 miles away from Gila Bend."

"No dear, the "G" is pronounced with an "H" so it sounds
like "Heela Bend". his wife tells him.

They bicker about it for a few miles, until the husband
says "Ok, why don't we stop at the first place we get to
and ask them how to pronounce it."

The wife was happy with this idea, so they stopped at
the first place they got to in the small town. The wife
goes up to the counter and says "Excuse me, young man.
My husband and I can't agree on something. Can you,
very slowly, tell us how to pronounce the name of where
we are?"

The young man looked at her oddly, and then, very slowly,
says "Daairry Queeen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel there are two people inside me - me and my
intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every
time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely."
Kim Basinger

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I try not to worry about the future -- so I take each day
just one anxiety attack at a time." Tom Wilson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From The Coffee Break Wacky Warning Lables

"A flushable toilet brush warning 'Do not use for personal
hygiene' has been named the world's wackiest warning
label of 2004."

"The annual Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its
eighth year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse
Watch and draws hundreds of entries from around
the world."

"The toilet brush label was found by Ed Gyetvai, of
Oldcastle, Ontario. He receives $500 and a copy of
the book, "The Death of Common Sense" by Philip K.
Howard."

"The $250 second place award went to Matt Johnson
of Naperville, Ill., for a label on a scooter for children
That warns: 'This product moves when used.' "

"Third place and $100 went to Ann Marie Taylor of
Camden, S.C., who found the following warning on a
digital thermometer that can be used to take a person's
temperature several different ways: 'Once used rectally,
the thermometer should not be used orally.' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When?
*You can jump start your car without cables.
*You answer the door before people knock.
*Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze.
*You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet.
*Instant coffee takes too long to make.
*You don't sweat... you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you
realize it's not plugged in.
*Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
*When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to
the last drop'.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*You don't get mad, you get steamed.
*You don't tan, you roast.
*You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
*You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V.
hookup.
*You take your morning coffee with you in the shower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is this a joke? From Coffee Break
Math teacher sued over homework
A Milwaukee high school student and his father are taking
the legal route to stop the student's math teacher from
giving homework during summer vacation. The lawsuit by
Whitnall high school student Peter Larson and his father,
Bruce, argues school officials have no legal authority to
make students do homework over the summer because
the state requires only a 180-day school, reports the
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

"These students are still children, yet they are subjected
to increasing pressure to perform to ever-higher standards
in numerous theaters," says Bruce Larson. Critics say the
schools and courts need a break from lawsuits such as the
one brought by the Larsons. "If I were a judge, I would not
only dismiss the lawsuit, I'd levy a fine against the father for
misusing the courts," says Philip K. Howard, a lawyer and
legal reform advocate based in New York City. Peter says
his summer vacation was stressful because he had to do
math homework in addition to a summer job as a camp
counselor that often exceeded 40 hours a week. Whitnall
School District Superintendent Karen Petric says the
district tried to resolve the matter but to no avail. She sees
no reason for Larson to sue his teacher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More from Coffee Break
A 9 and 10 year old boy were arrested for making stick
figure drawings depicting a 10-year-old classmate being
stabbed and hung, police said.

One drawing showed the two boys standing on either
side of the other boy and "holding knives pointed through"
his body, according to a police report. The figures were
identified by written names or initials.

Another drawing showed a stick figure hanging, tears falling
from his eyes, with two other stick figures standing below
him. Other pieces of scrap paper listed misspelled
profanities and the initials of the boy who was allegedly
threatened.

The children were charged with making a written threat to
kill or harm another person. Both were taken from school
in handcuffs.

The boys' parents said they thought the children should be
punished by the school and families, not the legal system.

Comment from me "Dan and Adam you are so lucky to be
finished with the school system or all those drawings you
made would have gotten you in deep doodoo now."

And to the schools, "Do you think you could worry more
about teaching and less about BS? Do the job you are paid
to do, let parents know what's going on, and let kids be kids."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mike sent these quotes
"Today Condoleezza Rice was confirmed. When the
President heard the news he said, 'I didn?t even know
she was Catholic.'" --Craig Ferguson

"A man in Florida has been arrested for selling marijuana
while working at a Long John Silvers. Police became
suspicious when they saw someone going into Long John
Silvers." --Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just in from Erin God's Customer Service Survey
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take
a few moments to answer the following questions. Please
keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or
address unless you prefer a direct response to comments
or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ New Testament
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ God of Israel
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Higher Power
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son &Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in
good working order and with no obvious breakage or
missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered
here. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ His will conflicts with my will
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To tick off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Annie's Mailbox
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock &Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________
6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which
false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Eric Clapton
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushrooms
___ Other: ________________
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to
preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer:
___ More Divine Intervention
___ Less Divine Intervention
___ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
___ Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters
and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling
of the following:
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship
9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
for improving the quality of God's services?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these:
Have you seen these? Original Hollywood Squares
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and
its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These
great questions and answers are from the days when
"Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull,
as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the
questions, of course. Enjoy!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should
do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a
party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come
out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say
"I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and
a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the
next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less
with your hand while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are
you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in
the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the
bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of
the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body,
what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish
on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife
or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex ?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should
never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these
20 Ways to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on
And point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, Ask If They
want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone
has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are.
Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play
Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You're not in the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name,
Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream
"I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the
Parking Lot, Yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To the Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." And the
final way to keep a healthy level of insanity ...
20. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they
sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these Answers to Why God made Moms
(Answers given by elementary school age children to the
following questions.)
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me.
He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they
mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms
like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be
pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he
get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom
eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such
a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under
the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some
kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would
it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was
my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist
AND .....
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling
through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping
that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news
96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot
in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's
"too spendy," you might live in Wisconsin.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November
through March, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out
of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't
work there, you might live in Wisconsin.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle
of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of
Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you
might live in Wisconsin.

If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett," you might
live in Wisconsin.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with
someone who dialed wrong number, you might live in
Wisconsin.

If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie
& Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in
Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing
bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters,....
you might live in Wisconsin.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor
on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and
back again.
6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings and funerals ).
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend
knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet
Farm at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
15. You refer to the Packers as "we."
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction.
17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.
20. You know how to polka.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
your blue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
23. Down South to you means Illinois.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
26. You go out to fish fry every Friday
27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."
30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to
all your Wisconsin friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these 10 first place winners in the
International Pun Contest.
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the
Other and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm
positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. Two friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good
fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up
shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on
his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail,
and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This
made him...[Oh, man, how bad is this one?!!] . . . a super
callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am sending this only to those whose level of maturity
qualifies them to relate to it.

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair


1974: KEG
2004: EKG


1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux



1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm


1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage


1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM


1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian


1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint


1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones


1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office


1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system


1974: Disco
2004: Costco


1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test


1974: Whatever
2004: Depends

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit
College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give
the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming
freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the
nation were born in 1986.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle
blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a
mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who
J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies
on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of
you who have trouble reading.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby@charter.net with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://bluesbaby.8k.com

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.
Thanks and have a great week! Expect groundhogs and
Chinese New Year next time.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 2

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 2 January 10, 2005

Wow I just discovered that this never got sent before my
trip. So this week you get two . . . Hmm beginning to feel
doomed . . . I went to get breakfast and lost issue 2 AND 3
grrrrrr.

I am going to reconstruct as much as I can. This issue is
mostly about Vegas and now has much more info since we
were there. If you want to skip the Vegas stuff scroll down
to the triple row of *.

Well this week I'm thinking about travel since I'm headed
for California in the morning to vsist my sister. We are all
going to Vegas for a few days later in the week so I have
been exploring sites for that trip.

Travel Channels Wild Interactive Map
http://travel.discovery.com/convergence/vegasweek/interactives/main.html

Best in the World of Las vegas
http://travel.discovery.com/fansites/worldsbest/vegasworld/vegasworld.html

More Best of Las Vegas
http://www.concierge.com/destination/lasvegas

Best in the world
http://travel.discovery.com/fansites/worldsbest/worldsbest.html

Casino ABC's
http://www.concierge.com/destination/lasvegas/features/Editorial/Feature/data/lasvegas/fodors/CasinoABCs.xml/

Each One of the new Hotels is an attraction in itself http://www.concierge.com/destination/lasvegas/search/result/attraction?DestinationName=Las+Vegas

The Vegas Guide
http://travel.discovery.com/destinations/unitedstates/nv/lasvegas/lasvegas.html

Bob Taylor's Original Ranch House
As recently as the 1980s, this was smack in the middle of
nowhere, a large ranch house located in empty acres in
the northwest valley. Today Bob Taylor's is enveloped by
subdivision sprawl. Don't let that stop you from enjoying
this remainder from Las Vegas' Old West past.

Since 1955 the ranch house with wood paneled walls covered
with cowboy memorabilia has served impressive, mesquite
grilled steaks to locals in-the-know. Seriously hungry?
Try the Diamond Jim Brady, nearly two whole pounds of
New York beef. 6250 Rio Vista Street (702) 645-1399
Open Daily, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m.; and 11 p.m on weekends http://www.bobtaylorsranchhouse.com/

****************************************************
Red Rooster Antique Mall
In a city fixated on tomorrow, it's really unusual to find a
building more than 40 years old still standing and more so
one that sells all manner of old stuff, from collectibles to
dust collectors. Located in the heart of old Vegas, the Red
Rooster's musty old buildings house dozens of independent
antique booths. Hours of browsing can be rewarded with
eye popping vintage Las Vegas memorabilia, including
ashtrays, matchbooks, gambling supplies, and postcards
from the city's vanished past.

Don't be surprised if the smell of fresh bread wafts through
from the city's oldest operating bakery, Holsum, is a few
doors down (drive by at night to see its newly restored neon
sign). 1109 Western Avenue (702) 382-5253 Open 10 am
to 6 pm Mon thru Sat noon to 4 pm Sunday
http://www.expedia.com/daily/vacations/las-vegas/guides/Shopping/L7010042I1.asp

****************************************************
Neon Museum
If Las Vegas possesses a native art form, it would have to
be neon signage. Since the 1920s, Las Vegas has established
a global reputation based on the sparkle generated by excited
neon, argon and mercury. So it's hardly surprising that one
of the city's emerging art galleries occupies a huge chunk of
outdoor space and requires massive amounts of electricity
to operate. Officially opened in November 1996, the Neon
Museum has rescued classic Vegas signs from the junkyard,
restoring and exhibiting them in fully lit splendor in the
heart of downtown.

Downtown Las Vegas, Fremont Street and Las Vegas
Boulevard; Phone: (702) 229-5366
http://www.neonmuseum.org/pages/1/index.htm

****************************************************

Old Las Vegas Mormon Fort Historic Park

The conflicted history, the age-old challenges created by
Las Vegas' existence as both a religious mission site and a
wild west outpost began at the Mormon Fort in June 1855.
Settled by 30 Mormon missionaries dispatched from Salt
Lake City, the fort is the oldest Euro-American building in
Nevada. On a hill overlooking the lower valley, the fort was
abandoned early by the Mormons, eventually became part
of the massive Las Vegas Ranch, which was sold to the Union
Pacific Railroad during that company's land acquisition in the
area.

The complex, a rare example of pre railroad Las Vegas, was
recently reconstructed and opened in spring 2000 with Las
Vegas Creek, a bastion, stockade and historic gardens.
Open Daily, 8:30 am-4:30 pm 500 E. Washington Avenue
Phone: (702) 486-3511
http://parks.nv.gov/olvmf.htm

****************************************************

Floyd Lamb State Park
Still known to old timers as Tule Springs, this desert oasis
was first utilized by Native Americans and eventually became
a working ranch. A few of the original ranch buildings still
stand, shaded by massive cottonwood trees as old as the city
itself. Tule Springs then (d)evolved into a divorce ranch where
the unhappily married could comfortably wait out Nevada's
six week residency requirement for quickie divorces. In 1964
Tule Springs was purchased by the city for use as a park. It
became a state park in 1977, rechristened in honor of state
senator Lamb after a bitter battle that pitted neighbor against
neighbor. Like most of the northwest valley, the park has been
encroached upon by suburban sprawl but not enough to spoil
the calm oasis produced by four fishing lakes, grassy expanses
and miles of walking trails except, of course, for the occasional
gunshots heard blasting from the nearby Las Vegas Gun Club
where Elvis and Ann-Margret filmed sc enes for "Viva Las
Vegas." 9200 Tule Springs Road Phone: (702) 486-5413
http://www.state.nv.us/stparks/fl.htm
http://parks.nv.gov/fl.htm

****************************************************

Gateway District
The Gateway District, named after the Gateway Motel (or
perhaps more accurately after its neon sign), is the up- and-
coming cultural district of Las Vegas. The Gateway District
is part of an old neighborhood largely untouched by recent
development where early 20th-century homes line the
numbered streets. The Gateway's many notable cultural
spots include the Enigma Garden Cafe (918 1/2 S. Fourth St.,
702-386-0999) in a 1920s bungalow;

The Attic (1018 S. Main St., 702-388-4088), a funky retro
shop that is often patronized by film crews seeking props;
and the city's oldest Mexican restaurant, El Sombrero Cafe
(807 S. Main St., 702-382-9234).

The Gateway District's centerpiece is The Arts Factory
(103 E. Charleston Blvd., 702-676-1111), two stories of
exhibit space that includes the Lost Vegas Gallery, a
collection of Vegas memorabilia that puts most gift shop
kitsch to shame. Downtown, roughly bounded by Las
Vegas and Charleston Boulevards, Main and Fremont Streets

****************************************************

Golden Gate Hotel
Built in 1906, the Golden Gate is the city's oldest hotel and
notable as the site of the city's first telephone. The Hotel
Nevada (as it was then known) opened just one year after
the Union Pacific Railroad auction, held a cross the street
where the Plaza Hotel now stands.

A throwback to the early horse-and-carriage days of Las
Vegas, the hotel offers small, plaster walled rooms with
wooden floors, one bed and mahogany doors overlooking
the exciting Fremont Street Experience pedestrian
promenade. The 24 hour Bay City Diner, perhaps the
oldest operating diner in the valley, is a favorite lunch spot
for power brokers and the original seller of the Vegas classic,
the shrimp cocktail. 1 Fremont Street (702) 385-1906
http://www.goldengatecasino.net/

****************************************************

Fremont Street is a panoramic light show that is not to be
missed. 12.5 MILLION Lights convey the impression of
birds Soaring, planes flying, fireworks, even a spaceship.
Every hour another of the 5 shows plays.
http://www.vegasexperience.com/

****************************************************

Ethel M Chocolate Factory Tour
It's not quite Willie Wonka, but it will do. Chocolate magnate
Forrest Mars (son of Frank C. Mars, inventor of M&Ms)
opened this specialty chocolate factory in 1981 in honor of
his mother. Because Mars couldn't stand to be far from his
creation, he chose to live, at least temporarily, in an on-site
apartment. Inside the factory, visitors can watch how gourmet
chocolate is made and sample tasty treats. Outside, stroll
among the largest desert gardens in southern Nevada, with
more than 300 cacti. The Ethel M's Botanical Cactus Garden
is especially alluring during the holidays, when decorated with
lights. 2 Cactus Garden Drive, Henderson (702)433-2500
Open Daily, 8:30 am to 7 pm
http://www.ethelm.com/

****************************************************

Scotch 80s Neighborhood
After Rancho Circle was gated, the Scotch 80s inadvertently
became the only old money urban Las Vegas neighborhood
left to cruise. Scotch 80s residents did win the right to raise
restricted access barriers that limit entrance to Shadow
Lane (off Charleston Boulevard), but anyone can drive in
and marvel at the wonders of a ranch home development
in what is now central Las Vegas.

Many early movers and shakers (including Frederick
Boulware, the city's first African-American neurosurgeon)
lived in these sprawling, one-plus-acre estates; current
mayor Oscar Goodman still does. In 1913 Peter Buol, a
founding resident of Las Vegas who in 1911 became its first
mayor, initiated the development. Buol, who owned this 80
acre parcel with his brothers and their company (Southern
Nevada Land and Development), traveled to Scotland to
secure investors, hence the name Scotch 80s. But the parcel
was not developed until the 1950s, just as a new wave of
wealthy settlers was making its way to town. West central
Las Vegas, bordered by Rancho Drive, Charleston Boulevard,
Interstate 15, and Oakey Boulevard

****************************************************

Now this is just my two cents worth here but When you go
into a casino it's always worth going to their customer service
desk and registering for a slot club card (find out which other
casinos are in their group), asking what coupons they offer
or honor, and what complimentary show tickets are available.

Most tickets you can get as freebies or 2 for 1, someone is
paying full price to see because they didn't ask! We got great
tickets to see the Neil Diamond Tribute from a half price
broker. Pick up the magazines you will see like Las Vegas
Today and Showbiz, there will be more coupons there too.

The 3 logical divisions are strip, downtown, and outlying or
off strip. Don't try to do all 3 at the same time or even 2
areas, you will go nuts. My suggestion would be do the
downtown and split the Strip, forget the rest on a first visit.

Downtown: check out the Fremont Street Experience at
night, (from 6:00 to 11:00 p.m.) the 4 block long, 90 ft high
light canopy with over 12 million lights over a multi million
dollar remodeling spree of the oldest part of Las Vegas.

Downtown is older, both the buildings and the clientele, but
it can be a hoot especially if someone gets on a roll at the
craps table or roulette. Downtown is not as crowded as the
strip, not as new or glamorous, but it may well be more
rewarding. The comps are good (usually no rooms) and the
slots are looser. Remember if you are gambling the drinks
are usually free in any casino but do remember to tip.
Besides the waitresses come back much sooner that way.

The Gold Spike has a bunch of penny slots. This is one of
the oldest of the hotels from 1905 or 1906.
http://www.goldspikehotelcasino.com/

Binion's used to be the place to go for steak and eggs @
$1.99, now I hear its $5.95 but they still have $2 blackjack
and nickel slots.
http://www.binions.com/

The other ones I have been to are the Fremont,
http://www.fremontcasino.com/

Lady Luck, which now is a Park Plaza (holy cow!)
http://www.parkplaza.com/ladylucklv

and the Four Queens
http://www.fourqueens.com/

You might want to add the Stratosphere to that trip since
its so far down the Strip you are almost downtown (nickel
slots and $2 blackjack and some crazy rebate with the slot
club where you get a check after you get home.) They have
rides at the top and webcams on the site.
http://www.stratospherehotel.com/

The Strip is really, really long. If you don't have a car, it
would be best if you decided how far up or down you want
to go, get in a cab and go to the farthest point first. . . I'd say
Circus Circus on the one end to Caesers.

Circus Circus has. . . you guessed it, circus acts every 20
minutes, all day, 11 am till midnight, an arcade and the
theme park (which I walked through for free. . . about what
it was worth to me.) This one could be easily omitted if the
circus acts aren't appealing. It makes the walk back so much
longer and if gambling is not the goal and you aren't going to
Palace Station to eat, you could make that end of the strip
start at the Riviera where they always film the casino (Con
Air, Casino, and many others) in movies.
http://www.circuscircus.com/index2.php

Although the Sahara has $1 blackjack so starting there has
its merits. Roller coaster, Indy Car stuff and rides, Arabian
theme through the casino and food areas, and maybe a good
lounge act in the Casbar are all a draw.
http://www.saharavegas.com/

There is a problem about crossing the Strip...Its not as easy
as it could be. Soooo try to do one side and then the other
rather than crossing back and forth. I see there are some
bridges overhead now for pedestrian traffic but they are
limited at this point and I only saw them between Ballys,
the Flamingo, Caesars and Bellagio.
http://www.caesars.com/corporate/

Closer to Caesers, maybe walking distance depending on
the heat, are Treasure Island and Mirage on same side and
the Venetian, Casino Royale, Harrahs, Imperial Palace,
Bourbon Street, and Flamingo on the other.

Treasure Island has their Pirate Battle every 90 minutes
5:30 to 10 pm weekdays and 5:30 to 11:30 weekends.

The Mirage has their Volcano erupt every 15 minutes
7 - midnight, best viewed from the other side of the street,
the rest of their attractions are: the dolphin habitat, the
aquarium, tropical rainforest under the dome, and the white
tigers. Never could get to see Sigfried and Roy but the rest
is cool. Enjoyed walking through the grounds and building.
http://www.mgmmirage.com/

Harrahs has free live entertainment in the Carnaval Court
and a number of reasonable restaurants and a couple of
comedy shows. We had a good brunch there one day on a
previous visit. They still send me email. They own the Rio.
http://www.harrahs.com/

Imperial Palace has a pretty good buffet as I recall and a
classic car exhibit which has become a dealers showroom
for buying and selling antique cars. The Legends Dinner
Show (impersonators) is fun.
http://www.imperialpalace.com

Casino Royale boasts a 24 hr Dennys and an Outback Steak
House that about says it all. Tiny place, amenities NO -
no spa, no room service, no attractions, no entertainment,
and no shuttle service.
http://www.casinoroyalehotel.com/

From Caesers to Mandalay Bay is the other half of the strip.
Madalay Bay is another newer one, sports a mixed Asian
theme, a wave pool, and the House of Blues. Walked thru It
was huge and has a Shark Reef attraction that was cool.
http://www.mandalaybay.com/home.jsp

Luxor I have been to and did the tourist thing there. Aside
from its unusual shape it offers underground tours by boat
similar to Pirates of the Caribbean with an Egyptian theme
and a replica of King Tuts Tomb. They have inclinators rather
than elevators going up the slanted walls of the pyramid. Blue
Man Group, a topless revue, and an IMAX Theater are all
part of the Entertainment there.
http://www.luxor.com/index-flash.php3

Excalibur was just not a big deal for me but we never did the
Jousting Tournament or the dragon show so maybe that is
fun. Even the casino seemed to have kids in it which is a major
no no everywhere else in Vegas. They also have a male revue
like Chipendale dancers. The outside is a castle.
http://www.excalibur.com/index2.php

Across the street is more interesting with MGM, Aladdin,
Paris and Bally all in a row but first the Tropicana is really at
the end. The Tropicana has a free bird show in the afternoon
and a 20 minute variety show free. Look for freebie coupons
to get into the Legends Hall of Fame (which I thought was
really fun and would like to have watched more of the historic
film clips). We saw Rick Thomas and his magic/tiger show.
Absolutely a "how did he do that" kind of magic.
http://www.tropicanalv.com/

MGM has an Emeril Restaurant, actually most of the food
there in any of them at MGM are way overpriced but they
have a lion habitat, cool movie stuff, and when I was there
they had virtual reality glove and headware for a price. This
was just a place to see, not really gamble or eat, but great
entertainment there.
http://www.mgmgrand.com/pages/index_flash.asp

Aladdin may still have their steak and lobster deal but I
think it was replaced by a buffet which was more expensive
but one of the best on the strip. PF Changs there too and
some great window shopping in the Desert Passage but some
of their stores are in the Shops at the Forum in Caesers too. A
full featured Spa has been added in a massive renovation.
http://www.aladdincasino.com/

Paris was built after my last visit (add I didn't get to see it this
time) but it looks neat and has a mall between it and Ballys.
http://www.caesars.com/Paris/LasVegas/

All I remember about Ballys' is seeing George Carlin there
and Daniel walking across the casino floor into an area blocked
off (which is a major no no) and me having nightmares about
this huge kid (he was 17) walking through no mans land, being
detained by security, who would then discover he was concealing
his new knife in his trench coat pocket, and going to jail. No
wonder I blocked out the whole thing.
http://www.caesars.com/ballys/

Boardwalk was being redone when I was there last but they
do have the Lighthouse Lounge where the show is free with
a one drink minimum. Bad food, bad service and a tiny casino
But the rooms are cheap.
http://www.boardwalklv.com/

New York New York includes a midway, a rollercoaster, a
dueling piano bar, and a rock climbing, skateboarding, ESPN
Zone as well as Lady Liberty, Central Park and Krispy Kreme
donuts. No free drinks here. The site has webcams.
http://www.nynyhotelcasino.com/pages/index_flash.asp

Monte Carlo has a relatively $27 million new showroom
created for Lance Burton and a monorail to Bellagio.
http://www.montecarlo.com/intro-flash.php3

Bellagio dancing fountains perform every half hour 3-7pm M-F,
noon-7pm Sat & Sun and every 15 minutes 7-midnight 7 days
a week. Music lights and water choreographed together, people
rave about it for a reason. Lobby has hand blown glass flower
art by Dale Chihuly. The Botanical Gardens there are another
stopping point as is designer shopping. The Gallery there is a
bit steep. I think $15 to see Andy Warhol soup cans is over the
top. Located near Bellagio's lobby is the tram to the Monte Carlo.
http://www.bellagio.com/

Non Casino places are Ethyl M's Chocolate Factory, Hoover
Dam, Chloride Mining Town, Gondolas at Lake Las Vegas,
Marjorie Barrick Museum of Natural History, Mardi Gras at
the Rio Hotel, M & M World, the Neon Museum, Showgirls
Exhibit at the Sahara, World of Clowns Museum, and the
Wildlife Habitat at the Flamingo. Most of these attractions are
free.

There are also exhibits like The Star Trek Experience at the
Hilton, Madame Tussads Wax Museum, the Houdini Museum,
the Liberace Museum, Las Vegas Villa, the Wynn Collection,
and the Las Vegas Art Museum which is an affiliate of the
Smithsonian.

****************************************************
****************************************************
****************************************************

Most of the following information was obtained from Gopher
Central with editorial comments from myself.
(Yes I'm up on my soapbox again.)
New York State refused to allow a company to sell Freaky
Ice, frozen pops spiked with malt liquor. The NY State Liquor
Authority said "the frozen confections were banned because
they're so similar to nonalcoholic ice pops popular among
children," according to the New York Daily News Sunday.

And the adults-only labeling on the pops was too small, the
authority said. The ices, which come in plastic tubes, include
flavors like Passion Cocktail, Cherry Fusion and Lemon Stinger
with an alcohol content of nearly 5 percent.
OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo where do I get these?

And for another truly great idea, how about Travelers waiting
for overseas flights from Vancouver can slip into a dim, quiet
pod to escape airport clatter and catch a nap. For only $15,
passengers on flights to Thailand, Korea and Japan can spend
two hours in ergonomically designed recliners under a cocoon,
according to the Toronto Globe and Mail. The Vancouver
airport is the first in the world to offer the pod, which was
unveiled this year by Metronaps.

A dark fiberglass visor fits over the top of a padded recliner,
encasing the traveler's upper body inside a cone. A soft, grey
blanket covers the feet and legs while acoustic guitar music
alternates with the sound of ocean waves and running streams
to cover most of the airport noise.

Gentle vibrations awake travelers in time to make their flights
and they are handed a moist handcloth to wipe their faces.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three years after the first detainees were held in Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba, not one alleged terrorist has been prosecuted, the
New York Times reported recently. The Times said only four
of the 560 men being held at the Guantanamo Bay detention
facility have been charged and preliminary hearings for those
four had produced such a barrage of procedural challenges and
public criticism that verdicts could still be months away.

In October Amnesty International urged both U.S. presidential
candidates to publicly commit to ending torture and inhuman
treatment of detainees in U.S. custody. This followed a report
issued in April. I am not suggesting anything other than we
prosecute these criminals under our system of laws rather than
continue to act as a despotic and lawless government.
http://web.amnesty.org/library/index/ENGIOR410242004

As the local radio station calls them "the Bush Crime Family"
is at work again and we should all be outraged that due process
has been totally ignored. The Geneva Convention says that
"Prisoners of war must receive due process and fair trials. "
http://www.genevaconventions.org/

Our three braches of the government are meant as a system
of checks and balances, however in the last few years this has
been largely ignored. Unfortunately the next few years will
bring sweeping changes as the retirement of Supreme Court
Justices brings Bush an opportunity to stack the Court with
good ol' boy mentality which will affect my grandkids far more
than myself. I feel helpless to understand just how anyone can
see the abuses of power and re-elect a party and a president
who sanctions cheating, lying, violations of basic rights, and a
disregard for "We the people" in favor of lining the pockets of
the weathy.

A study shows nearly a quarter of corporate executives are
not entirely truthful on their resumes. The survey, by the
outplacement firm Christian & Timbers, involved 500 execs
and found 23% fudged on facts, ABC said.
44% embellished their job descriptions
48% inflated their salaries
52% embellished their academic histories 60% increased the
size of the team they managed 64% lied about their accomplishments.
And the No. 1 resume lie?
71% of the executives misrepresented the number of years
they'd served in their jobs.

Adult Dating Tips
http://women.msn.com/965003.armx?GT1=5953

A group of Canadians got together this political satire after
the election "results" were reported. Too bad its not real.
http://www.marryanamerican.ca/

For my Canadian friends, how about This Magazine
"Because Everything is Political"
http://www.thismagazine.ca/features/

U.S. President George Bush, portrayed in Michael Moore's
"Fahrenheit 9/11" has been named Movie Villain of the Year
by readers of a British film magazine. Bush defeated the evil
scientist Doctor Octopus in "Spider-Man 2," Leatherface, the
chainsaw-wielding cannibal in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"
and "Lord of the Rings'" Gollum, in Total Film magazine's poll.
http://www.futurenet.com/totalfilm/magazine/default.asp?pagetypeid=2&articleid=32690&subsectionid=1721

The Register was more forthcoming about it http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/10/28/bush_movie_villain/

Not One Damn Dime (oops its over)
http://www.counter-inaugural.org/phpical/includes/event.php

More to do after the election
http://notonedamndime.com/boycott/AfterJan20.asp

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two cab drivers were waiting for fares in front of a downtown
hotel. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your
cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you
should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Illustrated Guide to Breaking Your Computer http://members.aol.com/spoons1000/break/index.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More silly sites
http://www.penncen.com/7wonders/7wonders.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends.

If they're okay, then it's you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years
finally improved to the point where it was thought he might
be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided
it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview
him first.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are
considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real
life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former
mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the
stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put
me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure
theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and
stressful."

"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.

"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is
something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding
the knowledge of young people."

"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.

"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books
on science, or I may even write a novel based on all my
experiences in the psychiatric institution."

"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me...
I can always continue to be a teakettle!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kindergartner was having trouble putting on his boots,
so he asked his teacher for help. With her pulling and him
pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough,
they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it
was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to
get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me
wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle
the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your
mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to
take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that
a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour
before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane
was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted,
"Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung
the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air,
though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer.

"I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in
touch with it. "~~ Lily Tomlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his
life."~~ Terry Pratchett.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay
for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist
asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears
on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We're getting back to good old-fashioned family values
at our house. At dinner last evening my daughter even
pushed the TV mute button when we said grace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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