FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 26

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 26 August 28, 2006

OMG baking cookies in the car
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/08/03/D8J9AIDO0.html

Consumer news blog and reviews
http://www.my3cents.com/

Thanks to Erin for this link to a new website from XPN that
hosts concert archives, interviews, concert calendars for
the philly area, links to other sites and three live streams
(one of them blues)!
http://www.xponentialmusic.org/



This is pretty funny
http://www.mostfungames.com/bush-ragdoll.htm

Online games to play for free
http://www.mostfungames.com/collapse.htm
http://www.ultimatearcade.com/classic/games/invaders.html
http://games.yahoo.com/games/downloads/cl.html
http://www.uproar.com/
http://www.candystand.com/all-games.do

On to the chuckles:

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Everyone is born with genius, but most people only
keep it a few minutes. ~~ Edgard Varese

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"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made
President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
~~ Douglas Adams

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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make
as they fly by. ~~ Douglas Adams

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A common mistake people make when trying to design
something completely foolproof is to underestimate
the ingenuity of complete fools. ~~ Douglas Adams

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The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in
shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of
technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was
he, by peddling second-rate technology, who led them
into it in the first place. ~~ Douglas Adams

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There is a particular disdain with which Siamese cats
regard you. Anyone who has walked in on the Queen
cleaning her teeth will be familiar with the feeling.
~~ Douglas Adams

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There are two things in particular that it the computer
industry] failed to foresee: one was the coming of the
Internet(...); the other was the fact that the century
would end. ~~ Douglas Adams

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More Trivia

1) Besides humans,the only animal that can stand on it's
head is the elephant.

2) There isn't a single reference to a cat in the bible.

3) Watching TV uses up 50% more calories than sleeping
does.

4) The bible is the most shoplifted book in the United
States.

5) The armadillo is the only animal - apart from man -
that can catch leprosy.

6) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
an hour.

7) We shed an average of 40 pounds of dead skin in a
lifetime.

8) The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

9) China has more English speakers than the United
States does.

10) There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

11) 111,111,111 X 111,111,111= 12,345,678,987,654,321.

12) Ten percent of the Russian governments income is
from vodka.

13) The buttons on a man's jacket cuff were originally
intended to stop manservants from wiping their noses
on the sleeves of their uniforms.

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This is a test for us old kids! The answers are printed
below, but don't you cheat. READY? Here we go!

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off
into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who
was that masked man? Invariably, someone would
answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he
leave behind?____________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964,
we all watched them on The __________________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

04. "The story you are about to see if true. The names have
been changed___________________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi,
we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we
could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best
_______________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill."
Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? __________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________
and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good
Night, and "_______________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so
by burning their____________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the
trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names
did it go by?
____________ &_______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the
day the music died." This was a tribute to
___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians did it. It was called _________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large
plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called
the ________________

Scroll down for answers...

ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion sleeps tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and "Good Night, and may
God Bless."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop

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The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by
children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e.,
bad spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired
of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built
the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history
they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray
by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find
the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to
eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit
adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

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Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
" now just rest
and let the poison work."

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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as
if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door
on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour
shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into
mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough
about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

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A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,
but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation
3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he
found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this
cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to
check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I
was afraid for I was naked."

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Hello Friends,

I just wanted you to know that I have entered the
SNAPDRAGON part of my life...

Part of me has snapped! And the rest of me is draggin.

I don`t skinny dip anymore...I Chunky Dunk.

I`ve written the IRS and asked that they Cancel My
Subscription, and Please Remove me from their mailing
list.

I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.

I`m not 60 something...I am $34.95 plus Shipping and
Handling.

I don`t have HOT FLASHES, I have short, private
vacations in the Tropics.

A balanced diet is Chocolate in both hands.

I hope these brought a smile to your face.

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Thanks to Andrea for this one

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a
fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE
MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem
to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE
IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them
to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say
if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and
that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
second date.
- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS
TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call
all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in
all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't
want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then
you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the
right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one
thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't
want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE
DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she
looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10

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Thanks to Mike for these:

Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room
talking about many things. The idea of a living will came

up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Bitch...

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A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each
one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the
bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and
tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One
is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our
home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way
to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm
drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves
it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks
the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in
turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes
back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light
dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's
just fine,” she explains,” It’s just that my husband and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

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Thanks to Davi for this one:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works,
and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show,
you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The
way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I
started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house
this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle
of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old
Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some
Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel. Please pass this on to
those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

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Thanks to Davi for this one:

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor
of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other
people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular
activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George,
a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old
pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend,
or deny... he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly
parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home...
and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
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http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates