FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 28

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 28 September 29, 2006

What a week! Just so busy these days, finding time to send email
is problematic plus I know its time to update the Halloween page
so if you have a favorite Halloween link I should add or if anyone
finds a broken link here please let me know. Thanks!
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Halloween.html

Warning, if you do not automatically upload your security patches
from Microsoft (or even if you do) you may want to check this out.
It's a "special" security update from the people who provide your
browser if you use Internet Explorer:
http://news.com.com/Microsoft+rushes+out+critical+fix/2100-1002-6119752.html

If you are anything like I am, you want to peruse the
headlines and look at a few articles. This site offers
what they call "Stories Worth Talking About By 9am".
http://www.radaronline.com/thedailysift/2006/09/stories-worth-talking-about-by-9-am-3.php

Want to know more about alternative fuels?
http://www.eere.energy.gov/afdc/

Want to know more about high cholesterol?
http://www.walgreens.com/library/careguides/28/default.jsp

http://www.walgreens.com/library/contents.jsp?doctype=1&docid=000392&ec=hn259_familialhypercholesterol

This week two journalists were sentenced to jail terms for
invoking First Amendment rights re steroid use. Now I could
maybe understand if the drug was cocaine or heroin but for
protecting sources for steroid use . . . puh-leeze. Just
another example of our rights going to hell in a handbasket!
http://www.ifex.org/en/content/view/full/77296/

Weekly journal of science
http://www.nature.com/nature/index.html

More science
http://www.science.gov/

Ever wondered about what's really in hair coloring, Silly Putty,
Cheese Wiz, artificial snow, or self-tanners? C&EN presents a
collection of articles that gives you a look at the chemistry
behind a wide variety of everyday products.
http://pubs.acs.org/cen/whatstuff/stuff.html

Who knew you could buy all this from vending machines? These
are all in Japan.
http://www.photomann.com/japan/machines/index.htm

Advertising on post cards wasn't a bad idea. But like anything
else, it can be done well or badly. You may not believe how
badly. Check out these examples:
http://www.tackymail.com/html/badvertising.htm

Also check out bad album covers for a laugh
http://www.zonicweb.net/badalbmcvrs/index.htm

"The International Air Guitar Championships are going on in
Finland. I hear the winner gets an imaginary check of $1
million." ~~ Jay Leno

To get ready for next year, learn to play air guitar on this cool site
http://www.mirrorimage.com/air/index.html

Did you celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day last week?
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

Prank celebrity phone calls
http://ebaumsworld.com/morepranks.shtml

Try one of these quizzes:
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsuperheroareyouquiz/
http://www.guesswhichmovie.com/

Science quizzes here:
http://www.explorit.org/quiz.html

Do you love those vanity plates? Check out this gallery:
http://www.coolpl8z.com/

Is he a schmuck? You can play out your break up fantasies here:
http://www.doodie.com/relationship_breakup_e.php

Click here: ARE YOU READY???
http://home.valornet.com/sabruf2/countchr.html

Awesome free game sites this week:
http://hallpass.com/channel/games
http://www.addictinggames.com/classic.html
http://www.amusingflashgames.com/
http://www.themic921.com/cc-common/mainheadlines3.html?feed=104677&article=684365
http://www.wheelhousecreative.co.uk/games/pages/toaster/index.php

Jigsaw puzzles online - interactive
http://www.jigzone.com/

Not exactly a game but kind of fun, make your own freeway sign,
http://www.kurumi.com/roads/signmaker/signmaker.html

FURIOUS GEORGE is a thrilling web-based adventure in which a
curious little monkey commits horrific crimes against humanity!
http://furious-george.net/

Rice Recipes from Around the World
http://www.ricegourmet.com/Recipes.htm

More recipes

http://www.walgreens.com/library/recipe/default.jsp?ec=hn259_recipefile

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers
with news. ~~ AJ Liebling

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Terrible traffic gridlock in Manhattan today. I don't know if you
know the reason, but it's because dozens of world leaders are in
town at the United Nations today. France sent President Jacques
Chirac, Canada sent Prime Minister Stephen Harper, and Mexico
sent the five guys who aren't already here." ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know
you'll grow out of it. ~~ Doris Day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"All the groups [on Survivor] are divided by race and they
have to fight against each other. Didn't we do this already?
It was called the L.A. riots." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I have some good news for out-of-towners. The crime rate in
New York City has never been lower. All the criminals are
stuck in traffic." ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many ideas grow better when transplanted into another mind
than in the one where they sprang up. ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

It is ironic that the irony hardly ever involves iron.

I have a photographic memory. It's just that sometimes I misplace
the camera.

My friends call me a double-crosser. I am obsessive-compulsive;
sometimes making the sign of the cross only once is not enough.

There is more than one way to judge a book by its cover.

Violence is not the answer. Unless the question is "an eight-letter
word starting with V and ending with E with L and E in the middle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am such a coffee lover that:

I answer the door before people knock.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after me.

The only kitchen appliances I own are made by Mr. Coffee.

I get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.

I get a speeding ticket even when I`m parked.

I speed walk in my sleep.

I soak my dentures in coffee overnight.

My coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

I introduce my spouse as my coffeemate.

I think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

My first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

** Things teachers would like to write on a student's report card **

1. Since my last report, the student has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. This student has delusions of adequacy.

4. The student sets low personal standards and then occasionally
fails to achieve them.

5. Student has been working with glue too much.

6. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.

7. Student has a photogenic memory but the lens cover is glued on.

8. The 'Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.'

9. If you give the student a penny for his/her thoughts, you would
get change.

10. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

QUOTES FROM THE FIFTIES

Here are some quotes from people in the US during the
1950's... Oh, how times have changed!

1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way
they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks
groceries for $20."

2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It
won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging
a dime just to mail a letter?"

5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything.
Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family
business or farm."

6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be
able to hire outside help at the store."

7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas
would someday cost 40 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better
off leaving the car in the garage."

8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make
it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys
will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

9) "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The
Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

10) "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent
cigar."

11) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's
possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing
for it down in Texas."

12) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't
surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the
president."

13) "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of
the country?"

14) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
appliances would be electric. They are even making electric
typewriters now."

15) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where
some married women are having to work to make ends meet."

16) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have
to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

17) "I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to
me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."

18) "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women
to wear slacks to their service?"

19) "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying
us to not grow crops."

20). "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes
wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

21). "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter
to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be
different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."

22) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for
a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

23) "Anymore no one can afford to be sick; $35 a day in the
hospital is too rich for my blood."

24) "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across
the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace
trains."

25) "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of
coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."

26). "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget
it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."

27) "We won't be going out much anymore. Our sitter informed
us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on
trees."

28) "Cars that dim their lights by sensors, automatic trans-
missions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will
drive themselves."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told
him to come into his office. "What is your name?" Was the first
thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-
pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by
their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown
in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only --
Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr.
Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computer Maladies

If you are half as worried as I am about infecting your computer
with something, you should avoid these sites like the plague,
virtually speaking.

1. www.e-flu.com
2. www.PC-herpes.net
3. www.computerAIDS.com
4. www.virtualmeningitis.com
5. www.e-lymedisease.org
6. www.PC-Parkinsons.com
7. www.digitalcrabs.com
8. www.Killa[shark]bytes.net
9. www.MicrosoftMontezumasRevenge.us
10. www.digitaldiarrhea.com
11. www.Encephalitis.OS-X.info
12. www.MadCowOnYourGateway.uk
13. www.GonorrheaVersion5.0.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Perfect Dress

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear and would be
the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm
wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another
gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked
her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You
really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses
that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of
auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much
lower."

My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an
airline just to get free peanuts."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Mary was pregnant, her five-year-old, Billy, was utterly
amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing
in his mom's tummy.

So, one day, when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy
to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick.

But, when he did, the baby was suddenly still.

"Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged Mary.

"A nap"? Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too"?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-
in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned
to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter
attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd
have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded,"
Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

According to Mike. . .

There is a higher power online..meet iGod ... he will answer all
your questions (whether it makes sense, is another thing)
http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this proof the world is nuts:

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a
male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the
examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different in reverse?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This
also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must
be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.!
(Now THAT is far worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in
any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room
to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was
a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? .... Well, not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall consumes 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of??? ... did the government pay for

this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last .....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those ..@!.. kids
next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around
you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's
leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset
rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate
them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry
ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you
know they'll enjoy it too....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this one:

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE New York WOMEN!!

A woman from New York and another woman were seated
side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from New York,
being friendly and all, said: So, where are you from?"

The other woman said, "From a place where they know
better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from New York sat quietly for a moment
and then replied: "So, where are you from, bitch?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this news story with a moral:

Barbara Walters of 2ø/2ø (USA-ABC Televisiøn) did a støry
in Kabul, Afghanistan øn gender røles, several years before
the Afghan cønflict. She nøted that wømen customarily
walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently
returned tø Kabul and øbserved that wømen still walk
behind their husbands.From Ms. Walters's vantage point,
despite the øverthrow of the øppressive Taliban régime,
the wømen nøw seem to walk even further back behind
their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custøm.
Ms. Walters apprøached øne of the Afghan wømen and
asked "Why dø yøu nøw seem happy with the øld custøm
that yøu ønce tried sø desperately tø change?"

The wøman løøked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and
withøut hesitatiøn said "Land mines."

MøRAL øF THE STøRY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WøMAN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 27

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 27 September 11, 2006

I am not going to join the masses of emails and media
coverage on the 9-11 tragedy and the dreadful new
docudramas that have been all over the news but
instead hope to lighten your spirits today.

Well it's back to school and I am settling in a new temp
job with a highway construction and landscaping firm.
Plus the part time job is increasing in scope and hours.

I am busier than ever, but the email is piling up so
here is Fun On the Web so that I can delete some of
these emails and not risk rejecting any more of them.
I figure we can all use a laugh so there are quite a few
new ones here but first, the cool stuff I found online:

Compare prescription drug prices for 1,000+ medications.
You'll also see online pharmacy ratings and shipping fees
so you can compare total costs.
http://www.pharmacychecker.com/

Amazon now sells groceries!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/browse.html/ref=gro_surl_grocery/?node=16310101

Not Martha has some fabulous gingerbread house ideas
http://www.notmartha.org/archive/2006_09_01_index.html#115708476937738346

More pictures of it here:
http://www.syndic8.com/~jeff/blog/?p=368

Martha also points the way to some other great sites
like this one that helps you hang pictures
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ny/how-to/how-to-hang-your-artwork-and-not-screw-it-up-006174

and has very cool redecorating ideas for most of us
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/

More for those who are decorating:
http://www.ux1.eiu.edu/~cfcek2/text/modernlinks.html#blogs

If you haven't checked out all the sites and services Google
has to offer lately you can do it here:
http://www.google.com/intl/en/options/

For those out east we should check out this market and
eatery when I come to visit, but for the rest of us there
is an online catalog of Italian delicacies available:
http://www.dibruno.com/

Entitled 10 Things to know this blog actually shows 12
awesome things everyone needs to know now at work:
http://blog.guykawasaki.com/2006/08/ten_things_to_l.html

With Halloween coming up we will see more scary movies
everywhere. Here are some great guideline for parents
(or grandparents) excerpted from an article titled "Can
My Kid See A Scary Movie?" by Liz Perle. She is the editor-
in-chief of Common Sense Media.
http://www.commonsensemedia.org/

Age Appropriate Guidelines for Scary Movies
Every child is different, but here are some helpful tips:

Ages 2-4: Nothing scarier than “boo” for this age unless
you want nightmares.

Ages 5-7: Spooky cartoon situations with haunted houses
and friendly ghosts are fine but peril involving parents,
siblings, or similar-aged kids is not. Kids at this age still
can’t easily recognize situations as fantasy, so they will
respond as if what they are seeing is real. Be very careful
with monsters, skeletons, aliens, and zombies.

Ages 8-10: Some psychological suspense with happy
endings is OK, as is physical jeopardy, ghoulish faces,
and phantoms as long as there is no blood or gore.

Ages 11-12: Kids can handle some dramatic suspense as
long as it the resolution is clear and positive. Skeletons,
monsters, aliens - bring it on! (Just not with blood or gore.)

Ages 13-15: Dramatic or psychological suspense and
horror are okay (although careful with the supernatural
and no graphic gore). Think Stephen King, though, not
The Hills Have Eyes.

Ages 16+: It all depends on your stomach. Frankly, I
can’t imagine an age when movies like The Omen remake
would be appropriate.

Multi player games online. All multiplayer games are free
and do not require a download. Play as a guest
or register as a regular player.
http://games.arcamax.com/multiGame.htm?code=110297140&RefId=3008
http://games.arcamax.com/multiGame.htm?code=110355440&RefId=3008

Play hangman
http://www.arcamax.com/games/hangman

Or free sudoku online
http://www.arcamax.com/sudoku

I know people who are into World of Warcraft but does
anyone do this? According to Second Life (it) "is a 3-D
virtual world entirely built and owned by its residents.
Since opening to the public in 2003, it has grown . . ."
(to). . . "270,946 people from around the globe." The
next question is, are you spending beyond the monthly
fee? Second Life says (it) "has a fully-integrated
economy architected to reward risk, innovation, and
craftsmanship" with businesses, a currency exchange,
and a real estate market.
http://secondlife.com/

For more on their booming economy check out this

article in Business Week. http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/06_18/b3982001.htm

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush.
He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush
said, 'The key for me is to keep expectations low.' I
think you can accurately say, 'Mission Accomplished.'"
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower
third of the country. In other words, geographically,
America has a fat ass."~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Germany has offered to send troops to the Lebanon
border. I bet Israel's breathing a sigh of relief there.
Nothing makes Jewish people feel safer and more secure
than the German Army marching on their border."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Yesterday the president of Iran challenged President
Bush to a televised debate. President Bush turned down
the debate, but did challenge the Iranian president to
a game of 'Hungry Hungry Hippos.'" ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There's a recent study about human behavior and
apparently, women are capable of making decisions about
the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions
often made without any rational thought. Yep and that's
why we're in Iraq." ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Republicans have a new talking point on Iraq. It's
about time they got one. The new one is: 'If we don't
fight them there, they'll follow us home.' There's a
representative -- a Republican named Curt Weldon --
who said we either fight them over there or we fight
them here in our supermarkets. Have you ever been to
that Ralph's on Sunset at 3 in the morning? I don't
think al Qaeda has the guts." ~~ Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently, the nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron
Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A
spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion
profit last year, says the new company will be called
'Bend Over, America!' ~~ Dennis Miller

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference
is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist
the hole!" ~~ Oscar Wilde

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable
planet to put it on?" ~~ Henry David Thoreau

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as
well be happy." ~~ Cynthia Nelms

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on
and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?"

~~ Bobby Kelton

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't
know what it's a plan for." ~~ Fred Hoyle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of
that comes from bad judgment.

There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither
one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative in the same night

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."

"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher.

"Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says little Johnny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting. I went to the store the
other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When
I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about
giving a Senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called
him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a dog turd. He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked
around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm almost
retired. It's important at my age.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist
could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.

One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to
pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual
Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin'
dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist
and the dog out in a boat duck hunting.

This he did. They got out into the middle of the lake, and
the Optimist shot down a duck...the dog immediately walked
out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back
to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said,

"What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home
received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care
of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" the friend asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked
again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly
explained her major worry:"Every close friend I ever
had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid
they're all wondering where I went."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center
and rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy
had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain
there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger
at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you
hear me? "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty
young blonde lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why
don't you just put it in park?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program
and the imaginary woes of people you have never met? Wife:
For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you
don't know makes a touchdown.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lewis' brother decided that he wanted to expand the line
of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France
to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being
his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some
manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought
would sell well back home in the States.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small
bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine,
he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that
the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in
the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to
his table, asked him something in French (which he did
not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He
invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English,
but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of
minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it
to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took
another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food
on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a
quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic
music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She
nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the
cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew
a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea
how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't
know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me
happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones
who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car
onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else
is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain
whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and
I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the
parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and
landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys
could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him
out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids
whatever they wanted.

The first kid said,"I sure would like to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force

One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan's."

Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael
sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a
built-inTV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't
look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your
butt from drowning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for these:

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names
on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-
fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I
just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we
could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize
you haven't fallen a sleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think
that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with something called labour!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember ! A Friend Is Like A Good
Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always

Close To Your Heart!

This should be written in large font so we can read it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one:

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it
goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the
smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing
and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon
and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Italian Boy's Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

”Yes, Father, it is."

”And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or
later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

”Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped,

Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and
have to atone. You cannot attend church services for four
months. Now go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino slides
over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

”Four months vacation and five good leads."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this one:

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question
if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern
small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me.

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when
you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you.

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know the defense attorney.

She again replied, "Why, yes,I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the
entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him. The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench
and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks
her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates