Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 25

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 25 June 29, 2005


Sorry for the delay this week but I'm having a problem
with my eyes which translates to less time at the computer
before my eyes are aching and lots of blurry vision. Hoping
to improve soon and be back "on track" next week.

Wow it's the end of June but it seems more like August
with the sizzling heat everywhere. Hope you all are
keeping cool and well hydrated. It's been so hot here
that custard is a great plan. By the way, there is custard
in CA, FL, TX, SC and other places I would never have
expected to see it served. Check it out here:
http://www.custardlist.com/

Counting the moments till Summerfest but unfortunately
for us the days of Bo Black are gone. No more do I see
band after band that I want to see listed for any one day
but maybe you can have better luck. On the bright side
you can now get martinis there, not just beer and wine.
http://www.summerfest.com

Please visit
http://www.kintera.org/TR.asp?ID=M69607868144422216004765
now and do your part to keep the Combating Autism Act
of 2005 alive and well on its way to becoming a law.

If you thought the moon was larger lately, you are not
the only one. Although it's size is an optical illusion, many
people observed this last week.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/4619063.stm

While we are talking about the sky check out this scenario
(which sounds like it was lifted out of a movie script). We
are going to blast a hole in a comet on the 4th of July.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050626/D8AVHLEO0.html

Every week Yahoo impresses me with their tech page.
Check out their techno savy resource:
http://news.yahoo.com/techtuesday


Here is another site recommended by my friend Anita
for installing and repairing Windows
http://www.windowsreinstall.com/

Thanks to Mike for this site showing
THE BIRTH OF A HUMMINGBIRD
Be sure to click on NEXT PAGE at the bottom of each page;
there are 5 pages in all. A lady found a hummingbird nest
and got pictures all the way from the egg to leaving the nest.
Took 24 days from birth to flight. Because you'll probably
never in your lifetime see this again, enjoy; and please share.
http://community-2.webtv.net/Velpics/HUM/


Sheila recommended this show and website. I can't see
it on my TV schedule but the projects online are great.
http://www.beadsbaublesandjewels.com/

Is eBay on the decline?
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050627/D8AVLPCG0.html

Hmm has hell frozen over? Billy Graham quips that Bill
Clinton should become an evangelist and allow "his wife
to run the country."
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050626/ap_on_re_us/billy_graham_14

Virus can kill some cancer cells :
http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050621/2005-06-21T202145Z_01_N21629972_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-HEALTH-CANCER-VIRUS-DC.html


The Lake Mills Library offers an extensive look at small
town architecture, history, and victoriana:
http://www.lakemills.lib.wi.us/Old%20Homes/old_homes.htm

Have you seen Parodyville? Their motto is
"Life’s too short to be so serious!"
http://www.octanecreative.com/Parodyville/index.html

Remember TaB? Take a trip down memory lane with this
site about TaB (they even have links to help you find some
near you). Other cool links if you scroll to the bottom:
http://home.epix.net/~tjwagner/tab.html

Here's what the ladies need "The Analysis of Available Men"
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/manchart.html

Play games online:
http://www.nascar.com/games/room/index.html
http://www.starwars.com/kids/games/
http://www.tetris1d.org/

Scroll down and download the Nascar racing car demo
http://www.easports.com/games/nascarsimracing/downloads.jsp

If you are looking for family friendly sites, you may want
to bookmark this site for future reference: http://www.familyfriendlysites.com/FamilyFriendly/default.asp

Speaking of family friendly here is one with strawberry
recipes, helpful hints, and ecards:
http://strawberry.mynid.com/index.html


More for the kids:
http://www.thefairies.com.au/home.html

Winne the Pooh site:
http://www.lavasurfer.com/pooh-guide.html

Someone asked the question
what is the difference between blues and rock . . .
(for those who don't know . . . it's 70 watts) . . .

For those who need or want an explanation of what exactly
is the blues.
http://www.pbs.org/theblues/classroom/lessons.html


Now these guys have the blues:
http://www.deadbluesguys.com/index.html

More famous obituaries:
http://www.einsiders.com/features/columns/2005obituaries.php

If you are up for fiddle music check out this site for strings
http://www.oldtimemusic.com/otrechome.php

Great diabetes resource:
http://www.mendosa.com/index.html

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all
day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you
not have all day?" ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"'Everything comes in threes. ' Not true. In reality, every-
thing comes in ones. Sometimes, when three 'ones' comes
in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From 1998 Washington Post column by Marion Abbott

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are
some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR
aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic . . .

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-
lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!),
neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha
Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch
her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration
appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and
tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift,
see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers
and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with
these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the
tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels
are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels
have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched
feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters,
then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-
feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from
Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-
leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high
school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes
with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled
with doughnut holes and fruit punch

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie
needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just
what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're
hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking
Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught
up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps
instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to AA
meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big
Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants
when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and she
cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch
watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes
with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book
"Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My employment search preoccupied our family for
months...One day my husband told our three boys that
to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for
them. They were all silent, until our six-year-old spoke
up:"When are the interviews?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Billy was taking a flight to New York. He boards
the plane, finds his seat and settles in, but does not
fasten his seatbelt. The flight attendant comes down
the aisle and sees Billy's unfastened seatbelt, and says,
"Young man, you need to fasten your seatbelt for takeoff."

Young Billy says, "Not necessary - Superman doesn't
need a seatbelt."

"Superman," the flight attendant said, "doesn't need
an airplane either. Now fasten your seatbelt!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Make sure you wash your hands before your piano
lesson," I reminded my seven-year old son. "They're
probably dirty from soccer practice."

"Don't have to, Mum." he reassured me.
"Today I'm practicing in E-flat Minor.... You know...
They're black keys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a lady and her daughter had selected some toys,
they brought them to the counter. I asked the little girl
if she'd like to carry them herself. She nodded happily.

When I started to put the teddy bear into a plastic bag,
however, she exclaimed: "No. No, don't do that! He
won't be able to breathe!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One morning, a three-year-old boy asked his mother,
"Mummy, how can I make this new toy helicopter fly?"

"You will have to use your imagination," she replied.
"Do you know what the word 'imagination' means?"

"Yes Mummy," he answered immediately. "It means
you've got no batteries!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Congress is now considering legislation that would
require people to present four different forms of
identification when they apply for a driver's license.
Well that should speed up that line at the DMV."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-
the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast
fortunes without doing any productive work or
contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How
can I get in on that?'" ~~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"NASA just released their new report on global warming
or, as President Bush, calls it--Spring." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain
stuff like "one banana plus two bananas make three
bananas"?

Here's a list of high school math courses based on bananas:
-----
Algebra I - A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter).
Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.

Algebra I - B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using
the quadratic formula.

Geometry
Prove : Bananas are not vegetables. Given : Bananas are
fruits.

Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one
of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns
that their dreams will become reality if they only raise
them to the fourth power.

Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?

Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.

Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and
also to find the area under the banana.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's
license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite
well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however,
and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over
toward the examiner. "Now what?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a
slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492,
Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route
to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if
you make a call from Europe to a company in America
today - it's re-routed to India." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada.
To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading
skills by calling out road signs.He fell asleep just before
they entered Québec.When he awoke he saw the French
highway signs and said in a worried tone. "Mummy, I
think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one
Tom finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself
on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of
his life . . . until the boat sank. He found himself swept
up on the shore of an island with no other people, no
supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day
when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up
to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from?
How did you get here?"

"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "
I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat
wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of
raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from
gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches;
and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Tom. "You had
no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side
of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in
my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that
for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Tom is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes
of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Tom looks
onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue
and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead,
dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much,
but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a
drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more
coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still.
Howabout a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they
sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have
exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take
a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet
in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Tom goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to
its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines'
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here
for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!

"You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the
Packer game from here?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to
8 full hours.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by
reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and
how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup
trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road
rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance
to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person ..Can we get naked now?.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases
potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the
toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in
elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides
the same irritation level as nagging him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this advice:
I usually don't forward warnings like this on but felt
this was important since summer is approaching.
Remember to be safe!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this good advice:
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits
and veggies.Take your vitamins and bump up your
vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps
build your immune system.Walk for at least an hour a
day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator,
etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a
bottle of the antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh
air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR
Take the doctor's office approach.Think about it...When
you go for a shot, what do they do first?

Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills
germs. So......
I walk to the liquor store (Exercise).
I put lime in my Corona (Fruit).
Celery in my Bloody Mary (Veggie).
Drink outdoor at the patio bar (Fresh Air).
Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (Relieve Stress).
Then pass out (Rest).
The way I see it....If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail
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If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail
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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
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If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing
please respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 24

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 24 June 20, 2005


Another gorgeous weekend here in Wisconsin and I guess
I got my share of fresh air and sunshine. Amanda and I
took the grandkids to this really cool park on Saturday
where they could climb around and then on Sunday we
headed to the Aquatic Center in Sun Prairie.


Retirement age change to 69?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/14/AR2005061401257_pf.html

Time magazine details interrogation log
http://www.time.com/time/press_releases/article/0,8599,1071230,00.html


If it's Bush plans, perhaps obstructionist is a good thing
http://www.washtimes.com/national/20050614-114627-2954r.htm


Summer time tip from Jiffy Lube
During the summer, be sure to crank up the heat. Sound
crazy? Once a month, try to turn on your heater for 1-2
minutes to let the fluid circulate. This will help keep your
heater's core clean and prevent corrosion.

My friend Mike sent me this link. I checked it out on
Snopes.com the Urban myth site. Here’s a link for mail order https://www.costco.com/Pharmacy/frameset.asp?trg=HCFrame.asp&hcban=Banner.asp&hctar=rxAbout.asp&catid=678&Article=pharmacy%20information

Here's the link to check it out and see the cost savings
http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/generic.asp



The Medical Library Association offers tips on deciphering
medspeak (the lingo used in the medical field)
http://www.mlanet.org/resources/medspeak/

Do you still have Girl Scout cookies you don't know what to
do with (besides eat them from the box)? Try these recipes:
http://www.girlscoutcookiesabc.com/atc/recipes/

Some recipes from Newman's Own products
http://www.stonyfield.com/Recipes/NewmanRecipes.cfm

If you're a gardener or plan to landscape your yard, please
consider planting species that provide both food and shelter
to birds. Think of these species as "bed and breakfast"
plantings for birds. Some of the more popular B&B plants
include:
* Annuals: amaranthus (Amaranthus sp.), coreopsis
(Coreopsis sp.), cosmos (Cosmos sp.), marigold (Tagetes sp.),
sunflower (Helianthus sp.), zinnia (Zinnia sp.)
* Perennials: aster (Aster sp.), goldenrod (Solidago sp.),
black-eyed Susan (Rudbeckia sp.), purple coneflower
(Echinacea purpurea), and many grasses such as little
bluestem (Andropogon)
* Shrubs: sumac (Rhus sp.), elderberry (Sambucus sp.),
viburnum (Viburnum sp.), boxwood (Buxus sp.)
* Small trees: holly (Ilex sp.), serviceberry(Amelanchier
sp.), dogwood (Cornus sp.)
* Fruiting trees and shrubs: blueberry (Vaccinium sp.),
cherry (Prunus sp.), crab apple (Malus sp.), hawthorn
(Crataegus sp.), mountain ash (Sorbus sp.), spicebush
(Lindera), sassafras (Sassafras), and black gum (Nyssa
sylvatica)


Who owns your wedding photos?
http://www.techdirt.com/articles/20050607/1945250_F.shtml

Poetry and prose from a blog
http://spaces.msn.com/members/aginghippies/

Challenge Darth Vader (from Burger King) Don't miss
the Prologue (pretty funny):
http://www.sithsense.com/flash.htm


What breed of dog are you?
http://web.tickle.com/dog/authorize/register.jsp?url=/dog/index.jsp

Things cats must remember
http://www.my-tgif.com/catsremember.htm

Need a great line to "dump" that loser:
http://www.budugllydesign.com/archiveow/top100/dumping.htm

More top and bottom lists:
http://budugllydesign.com/archiveow/top100/index.html

Play fridge magnets with others or download a single player
version just for yourself
http://web.okaygo.co.uk/apps/letters/flashcom/

Play solitare online or download version
http://www.kewlbox.com/games/game.cfm?gameId=128&utm_source=kewlbox&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=march-game-promo2

Look at these silly shop names:
http://www.shophorror.co.uk/pages/gallery.html

Ever heard of a Bazantar? Or a Bonang? If you'd like to see
these and other odd musical instruments go here:
http://www.oddmusic.com/gallery/index.html

Some programs designed for earlier versions of Windows
won't run under Windows XP. Until you can get your hands
on a program upgrade for Windows XP, you can try running
the program in one of Windows XP Compatibility Modes by
following these steps:
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-355.html



On with the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Instead of listening to music during your morning drive
to work, Playboy is now offering nude pictures that
people can download on their iPods. In a related story,
Playboy has bought a controlling interest in every auto
repair shop in America.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's
one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see
something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who
might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should
pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request:"Please,
God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A computer *Does* save time at work. I can play solitaire
without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman
walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and
quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman
if she would like a ride.

After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the
Navajo woman noticed a brown bag in the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle
of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment; then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder said........."Good trade."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in
the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn
mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as
a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling
was ipmorantt!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wanting to surprise her husband, an executive's wife
stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she
found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without
hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen,
budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to
operate this office with just one chair."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I heard a rumor that the White House burned down and
Bush's library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! Up in
flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Seuss On Aging
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad --
can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost
60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good
health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's
neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took
them to their mansion, which was decked out with a
beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter
how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf
course the home backed up to. They would have golfing
privileges every day, and each week the course changed
to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet
lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is
heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?"
the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like
of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never
get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your
damn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago...!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife
of fifty years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go
somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did
when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where
he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.
Upon returning home, his wife said ''I've been thinking.
There is no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr.
Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for
twelve bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the
children are on their own, what's stopping us from
cruising the world?" So back to the pharmacy he went,
and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same
amount of condoms up to the counter.

The pharmacist finally had to ask. "You know, Mr.
Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over
thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes
you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q:How are politicians like diapers?
A:You have to change them both often, and for the
same reason.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.
The Lamaze class was in full swing; the instructor was
teaching the women how to breathe properly. She was
also telling the men how to give the necessary assurances
to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said first, "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD
for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens
the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much
easier."Then she looked at the men in the room. "And
Gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. So it
wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed
this information.Then a man at the back of the room
slowly raised his hand."Yes?" asked the teacher."

I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she
carries a golf bag?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Anita for these
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that
our government can track a cow born in Canada almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the
state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give
them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot
of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and
we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...

It creates a hostile work environment.

And Last but not least.....

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart .. "Boy, I
feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too,
but they take the one woman in America willing to cook,
clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing
please respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 23

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 23 June 13, 2005

A former American Petroleum Institute lobbyist has put
the "spin" on the global warming report for the current
Bush Administration. Current is key here since the Senior
Associate in the office that coordinates government climate
research has resigned and is stating that revsions to their
report "undermine the credibility and integrity of the program."
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/08/politics/08climate.html?ei=5090&en=22149dc70c0731d8&ex=1275883200&adxnnl=1&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&pagewanted=print&adxnnlx=1118206907-q2jGEVj+eMoFM7rwe6m/gQ

While they are busy taking away nail clippers and crochet
hooks, perhaps a bloody chain saw should cause a more
reasonable response than this:
http://www.lasvegassun.com/sunbin/stories/nat-gen/2005/jun/08/060800164.html

Does big business win again? The long awaited suit against
"Big Tobacco" had its expectations pared down in closing
arguments, but will the judge listen to this administration
and its views led by business rather than the people or go
ahead with penalties exceeding those asked originally in
the "Clinton" Era. (You remember back when we had a
good economy and we looked out for the people and the
environment rather than the situation now.)
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/09/politics/09tobacco.html

How the FBI "blew it" on 9/11; the report comes out just
in time to aid in the Bush push to renew the Patriot Act
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050610/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/sept_11_missed_opportunities;_ylt=AhSfmzT.26zX0DKBLCwp9R2s0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA2M2YzbmJmBHNlYwN1cw--

Great news in the war against the mosquito
http://www.nature.com/news/2005/050606/full/050606-13.html

As a child I remember see chain gangs by the side of the
road in the south as we made our annual road trip to
Florida, well they are resurfacing in other states:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/usjusticeprisons;_ylt=Aux2f0iq8UC16xhZjj9XRmas0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA2bm5xNHVjBHNlYwNtcA--

Antispam advice at Yahoo:
http://antispam.yahoo.com/

My friend Mike suggests this political website:
http://www.counterpunch.org/

Sheila suggests this site for recipes:
http://songstress7.typepad.com/beyond/2005/06/carnival_of_rec_1.html

A listing of the summer festivals along the lakefront in
Milwaukee ( at the Summerfest grounds)
http://www.summerfest.com/otherevents/festivalparkcalendar.htm

Wisconsin Church Festivals
http://www.cfcfestivals.com/index.asp

The official site of rock n' roll
http://www.rock.com/index.html

Interesting article on ASCAP, BMI, and music royalties
http://www.woodpecker.com/writing/essays/royalty-politics.html

Blues content:

Festivals:
http://www.festivals.com/
http://www.festivalfinder.com/


Pics from Wayne Baker Brooks
http://photos.groups.yahoo.com/group/WayneBakerBrooks/lst

2005 WC Handy Pics:
http://www.vividpix.com/handys2005/index.htm

A few pics from the Chicago Blues Fest
http://members.tripod.com/twist_turner/index-41.html

Chicago Sun Times piece of the Chicago Blues Fest http://www.suntimes.com/output/music/cst-nws-blues12.html

BB King news
Highway
http://www.newsday.com/entertainment/music/sns-ap-people-king,0,7295624.story?coll=sns-ap-music-headlines
Museum http://metromix.chicagotribune.com/news/celebrity/sns-ap-ms-b.b.-king-museum,0,4797134.story?coll=mmx-celebrity_heds
Class http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=14681385&BRD=1838&PAG=461&dept_id=104621&rfi=6

A year long study results in a series of articles on class
- defined as a combination of income, education, wealth
and occupation - influences destiny in our society
http://www.nytimes.com/pages/national/class/index.html

Bloopers from kids on the History of the World
http://members.cruzio.com/~spitzer/history.html


Speaking of history, here is a crash course in 4000 years of
Jewish History from an organization based on sharing their
knowledge with as many as possible
http://search.aish.com/literacy/jewishhistory/default.asp?s=g&k=judaismhistory

This Doonesbury is pretty much right on:
http://news.yahoo.com/comics/uclickcomics/20050612/cx_db_uc/db20050612

Stress calculator: see how you rate
http://html.themilwaukeechannel.com/sh/idi/health/stress/calc.html

BMI (body mass index) calculator
http://html.themilwaukeechannel.com/sh/idi/health/calcs/bmicalc.html

Children's BMI calculator
http://html.themilwaukeechannel.com/sh/idi/health/calcs/childbmicalc.html

How many calories have you burned
http://html.themilwaukeechannel.com/sh/idi/health/calcs/fatburnercalc.html

What are your calorie and protein needs
http://html.themilwaukeechannel.com/sh/idi/health/calcs/caloriecalc.html

60 uses for vinegar
http://groups.msn.com/harmfulhouseholdproducts/alternatives.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=244&LastModified=4675457366200247347

If you ever need to know what's in that product if you
can't read the label (in case of misuse or to dispose of)
http://householdproducts.nlm.nih.gov/products.htm

This site is about knowing and controlling toxins in and
around our homes:
http://groups.msn.com/harmfulhouseholdproducts/indoorpollution.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=65&LastModified=4675418980056581810

More on having a healthy home:
http://cha.healthyhometour.com/

Providing satirical commentary on controversial worldly issues.
http://www.whiteninjacomics.com/archive-comics.shtml

A new and improved? virtual bubble wrap
http://www.viceking.net/bubblewrap.swf/bubblewrap1.swf

Online art community complete with galleries, print services,
forums, and tutorials covering a wide range of art.
http://www.deviantart.com/

The gadget guide
http://www.gizmodo.com/

Geek and media center podcasts
http://spaces.msn.com/members/iandixon/




On with the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Male / Female dictionary

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male......Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend
with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.......Not trying to pick up other women while out
with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male......Anything that can be done while drinking, and
ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male...... Source of entertainment, self-statement, and
male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we
end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel
to another.
Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels
every 5 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-
story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only".

Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go
in. The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them
how it works, "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and
once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you
what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you
can't return to it." The women talk it over and decide to go
for it.

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are very
sensitive and kind".

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the
next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads:
"All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally
treat women badly".

This wasn't going to do so again they head for the stairs.
The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read:
"All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the
needs of women."

This was good but there were still two more floors... So on
to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect.
"All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and
attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single,
rich and straight"

The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would
rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle
for the fourth.

When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove
that there is simply no way to please a woman."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personal Ads

WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish........................ 49
Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
Athletic...................... No tits
Average looking.......... Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster
Free spirit................. Junkie
Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as
a slut
Fun......................... Annoying
Gentle...................... Comatose
Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............... Lights out,missionary position only
Open-minded................. Desperate
Outgoing........ Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................ Certified Bitch
Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
Social............... Has been passed around like an hors
d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height................. Hugely Fat - as tall
as you are wide
Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............. Old bat

MEN'S ADS
40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &
back
Educated.............. Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit........... Banging your sister
Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.......... Arrogant
Very good looking..... Dumb as a board
Honest................ Pathological Liar
Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy
Mature................ Older than your father
Open-minded........... Wants to sleep with your roommate
but she's not interested
Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive........ Gay
Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blond woman named Shannon found herself in dire
trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in some
serious financial trouble. She was so desperate that she
decided to ask God for help. She began to pray.

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please
let me win the lotto."

Lotto night came and somebody else won. Shannon again
prayed. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night came and Shannon still had no luck. Once again
she prayed. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost
my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time
so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens
opened, and Shannon was confronted by the voice of God
Himself. "Shannon, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting
her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby market
to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her
sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with
her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of
her head. One customer who had been at the store for
a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she
looked -- very strange. He asked her if she was okay,
and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of
the head, and had been holding her brains in for over
an hour.

The man called the paramedics who broke into the car
because the doors were locked and Linda refused to
remove her hands from her head. When they finally got
in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat,
making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the
wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she
reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out,
but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for
over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You'll know that America has relaxed if we someday elect
a president named Booger. If we ever get a president
named Booger, Skeeter, T-Bone, or Downtown President
Brown, you'll know finally this country is a relaxed,
comfortable place to live." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As long as you've decided to drink all day, there's nothing
wrong with starting early in the morning."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good
for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see
one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty
cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to
make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is
located among the millions and millions of cows in America
but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal
immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should
put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do
you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you
see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes,
it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and
said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even
more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she
pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see
that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing
that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY,
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're
watch dogs!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally thanks to Mike for these ACTUAL LETTERS
THAT DEAR ABBY ADMITTED THAT SHE WAS AT A
LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby, --- A couple of women moved in across the hall
from me. One is a middle aged gym teacher and the other
is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go
everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, --- What can I do about all the se*x, nu*dity,
language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, ---have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,
I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, ---I am a twenty-three year old liberated
woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting
expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the
cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.

Dear Abby, ---I've suspected that my husband has been
fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he
denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, ---Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why
would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn
against his own?

Dear Abby, ---I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen
it. Now, how do I get out?


Dear Abby, ---I was married to Bill for three months and I
didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, ---My mother is mean and short tempered. I
think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, ---You told some woman whose husband had
lost all interest in se*x to send him to a doctor. Well, my
husband lost all interest in se*x and he is a doctor! Now
what do I do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Robin for this one:

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival the doctor said he had
invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of
the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they
were willing to try it. Both were very much in favor. The
pain transfer machine was set at 10% for starters, the
doctor explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before.

But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his
vitals and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this
point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued
to feel great. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping
his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. His wife delivered a healthy
baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were
ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this one:
A new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who
are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit.
What happens is that when the intended victim stops for
a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely
tanned, unbelievably well endowed young man comes up.
With muscles flexing, and body stretched to its full
potential, he pretends to wash your windshield. While he
is doing this, another person opens the back door of your
car, taking anything you have in the car.

They are very good at this. They got me seven times Friday
and five times Saturday---I couldn't find them on Sunday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Anita for 10 Reasons to Go to Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in
here by 8:00"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to
work on your tan.

3. "Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking
down your blouse.

5. You want to see if its like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add
"Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen
where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to
work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to
an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 22

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 22 June 6, 2005


Deep throat unmasked in Watergate case:
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050601/D8AEJAT80.html

10 reasons not to kill Bush:
http://www.uwire.com/content/topops052505002.html

The court expanded the scope of the Disabilities Act
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/06/AR2005060600578_pf.html

While at the same time it rules against the medical use of
marijuana but states "that Congress could change the law to
allow medical use of marijuana."
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/06/AR2005060600666_pf.html

House Republican Majority Leader Rep. Tom DeLay has a
pattern of repeated legal and ethical scandals. Yet he
remains in one of the most important positions in our
government—deciding what legislation Congress considers.
Sign the petition to urge Congress to fire Tom DeLay as
Majority Leader.
http://www.moveonpac.org/delay/
Check out their home page for other causes such as social
security and Operation Democracy.


Wow breathe like a fish?
http://www.livescience.com/scienceoffiction/050606_breathe_underwater.html

And you thought you were having a bad day:
http://www.wboy.com/story.cfm?func=viewstory&storyid=3161

Rainy day links (go anywhere you can imagine)
http://dir.yahoo.com/Regional/Countries/United_States/

CNN announced the Best Airline but I say they missed the
boat: Midwest Express still serves warm chocolate chip
cookies, it's food is now prepared by Maders, and the seats
are bigger (but there is no first class):
http://money.cnn.com/2005/06/02/pf/goodlife/best_airlines/index.htm

Not being a coffee drinker I haven't tried it but they sound
good to me, offer quite a variety, and are Kosher:
http://www.thecoffeefool.com/
Sometimes you need a shorter link for your website or
any item you may like to send:
http://makeashorterlink.com/index.php


A Get Organized forum:
http://www.getorganizednow.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi

Hmmm Tivo for radio
http://news.com.com/TiVo-like+devices+for+radio+raise+piracy+fears/2100-1027_3-5724494.html?tag=nefd.top


Remember Maxwell Smart and his "Cone of Silence"?
Well its here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/30/technology/30hillis.html?ex=1117771200&en=a9163575d087e6fc&ei=5070

In case you haven't figured it out I do like to check out all
the quizzes, so ready or not here they come

Mood analysis
http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/index.cfm

Test your IQ
http://www.iqtest.dk/main.swf


Click on the Game link for what dog are you?
http://www.gone2thedogs.com/

Cat memory quiz
http://www2.b3ta.com/catgame/

Legal grafiti
http://graffiti.playdo.com/

Maze fun
http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/6489

Sometimes I wish I could do this:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/stfu.php

Fascinating site with loads of info:
http://www.presidentsusa.net/index.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.
~~ Robert Byrne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are
all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin
we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites,
poltroons. ~~ Henry Miller

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Journalism is the last refuge of the vaguely talented.
~~ Walter Lippman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the headache would only precede the intoxication,
alcoholism would be a virtue. ~~ Samuel Butler

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the
answer but wish we didn't. ~~ Erica Jong

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
~~ Voltaire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Virtue is insufficient temptation.
~~ George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wisdom of the Mafia"
Occasionally suffer fools; you may learn something of
value from them.But never argue with them.

If you must lie, be brief.

Silence makes no mistakes.

The best armor is to stay out of range.

Never make an enemy that you don't have to.

You can't put a good edge on bad steel.

When you are angry, close your mouth and open your eyes.

If you don't spot the mark in your first half hour at the
table, you're it.

Let your adversary talk. When he has finished, let him
talk some more.

Victories are always temporary. So are defeats.

The best theories often make the worst practices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the fight between you and the world. . .
back the world. ~~ Frank Zappa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment. ~~ Dorothy Nevill

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her
for some money, because he ran out of it.

Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money.
You also left your calculus book here when you visited
2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'

'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the money in a
package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office
to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you
give the boy this time?

Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the
other for $1000.'

'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'

'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on
top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover
of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between
the pages in Chapter 19!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15
were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts."

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the
grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag
of money. Age 13

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.
But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man
smell. Age 5

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've
found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because
I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't
have a sense of humor. Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours,
set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year,
you'll have a couple of days saved up. Age 7

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank
my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted
number. Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into
an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if
anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Age 5

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same
ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really
a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you
leave it out. Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked,
except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited
my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning
when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to
myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.
Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates
about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder
at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I
live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and
I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that
we have found many more than four basic elements and I
show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches
and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest
of the night lighting farts. Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and
visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and
quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to be politically correct with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE
DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE
COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is
METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE
OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you
in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC
UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL
STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFOR-
MATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH
HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATH-
LETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY
ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits
FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM
DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY
INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached
COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY
REPETITIVE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at
various locations.

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and
be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person
to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from
picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without
permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water,
this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read
this, it's time to wash your car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin
her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad,
Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church
for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over
and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike
Men are like .....
Laxatives .......
They irritate the crap out of you.

Bananas .......
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Weather .......
Nothing can be done to change them.

Blenders .......
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate Bars ......
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for our hips.

Commercials .......
You can't believe a word they say.

Department Stores ......
Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Government Bonds ......
They take soooooooo long to mature.

Mascara .......
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Popcorn ......
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Snowstorms ......
You never know when they're coming, how many inches
you'll get or how long it will last.

Lava Lamps ......
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Parking Spots ........
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as
well as to any understanding good- natured, fun kinda guys
you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man staggered home late after another evening with his
drinking buddies. Shoes in his left hand to avoid waking
his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could to the staircase
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step
in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing
the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled
down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding
cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway. He
then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before
proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place
he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to
shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in his
head and butt and his wife staring at him from across
the room. She said, and I quote "You were drunk again
last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at
her and replied, "Now hon, why would you say such a
mean thing?"

She said, "It could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the
drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your
bloodshot eyes, but mostly....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is a moral dilemma for you...what would you do?
This test only has one question, but a very important one.
Please do not answer it without giving it some serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand
morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation, in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each
line. Thoughtfulness is important for this evaluation to be
meaningful!

Ready? Begin.
You are in Florida . . .

In Miami, to be exact . . .

There is chaos around you, caused by a hurricane and
severe floods.

This is a flood of biblical proportions--global warming
come home to roost.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper
caught in the middle of this great disaster. The situation
is nearly hopeless.

You are trying to shoot career-making photos. There are
houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
under the water. Nature is showing all its destructive fury.

You see a man in the water; he is fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken away with the water and debris.

You move closer. Some how the man looks familiar.

Suddenly, you know who it is . . . it is George W. Bush. At
the same time you notice that the raging waters are about
to take him under, forever.

You have two options. You can save him or you can take
the most dramatic photos of your life. So, you can save the
life of George W. Bush, or you can take a Pulitzer Prize
winning photo, documenting the demise of one of the most
powerful men of our world.


Now, here is the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Anita for these:
George Phillips, of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to
bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police and told them that there were burglars
in his shed.The officer asked, "Is someone in your house?"
and he said no. The officer replied that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would
be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the
police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry
about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit,
and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course,
the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night
after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They
begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have
passed. After a short lull in their conversation Harold turns
to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up
if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could
just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they
agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting
place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure
he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where
she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident,
Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does
Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally this on Men from Anita:



Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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