FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 20

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 20 October 29, 2007

Yikes is that spooky time of the year again. Are you
into the whole Halloween thing? Lots of cool things on
my website here:
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Halloween.html

This site’s calculator compares your positions on the
issues with those of all the candidates (some of whom
I have never heard of) and determines with whom you
are most aligned. I think it is accurate.

Confused about who to support for President? You already
do support someone... you just don't know who yet.

http://www.vajoe.com/candidate_calculator.html

Just in time for Halloween
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Fake-Blood

In their ongoing quest to "celebrate the unusual,
honor the imaginative -- and spur people's interest
in science, medicine and technology" the Ig Nobel
Awards were given this month. See the winners and
their field of expertise here:
http://improbable.com/

Amazing painting recreated with pumpkins
http://www.kuhnewer.com/paintings/paintings.htm

50 fantastic musician pumpkins
http://www.kuhnewer.com/thumbs/a_to_z%20pumpkins_2004.htm

LabPixies is a free online directory for web gadgets
available for personalized homepages like Google,
Live.com, Netvibes and Pageflakes, and can also be
embedded on most blogs and web pages.
http://www.labpixies.com/

Clean up your online reputation - here's how
http://career-advice.monster.com/job-search-essentials/How-to-Clean-Up-Your-Online-Reputat/home.aspx?WT.mc_n=MNL000283

This will help you kill some time
http://www.wikihow.com/Look-Busy-at-Work-Without-Really-Working

100 Best Blogs from PC World
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,133119/article.html

Need a new signature for your email? Over 400 here:
http://coolsig.com/

COUPON SAVINGS
http://www.judysbook.com/

Save money on energy with an energy audit
http://www.thestreet.com/s/how-hiring-an-energy-inspector-can-save-you-money/newsanalysis/clean-energy-news/10384728.html

10 Legal Ways to Find Cheap Music
http://www.thestreet.com/s/10-legal-ways-to-find-cheap-music/funds/saving-money/10385067.html

Games, E-Cards and of course the comic strip
http://www.snoopy.com/comics/peanuts/fun_and_games/game_gallery.html

On to the chuckles:

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Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the
wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule.
~~ Stephen King

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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
before you get tired. ~~ Jules Renard

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The important thing is not to stop questioning.
~~ Albert Einstein

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There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without
taste. ~~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty
small package. ~~ John Ruskin

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If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
~~ Albert Einstein

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All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately
unrehearsed. ~~ Sean O'Casey

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The only people who find what they are looking for in life
are the fault finders. ~~ Foster's Law

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He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~~ Mae West

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Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
~~ Don Marquis

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Thanks to Lori for these:

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I
got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the work had been completed a whole year
ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that
I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast
talking sales guy had told me last year,..... That in ONE
YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up.... he never called back. Guess I won
that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his
sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to
call multiple times before he would even answer the phone".

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the
druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more
than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a
minute, listen to my side of it.

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
getting up. "I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both
house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get
my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I
had a flat tire. "When I finally got to the store there
was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the
store opened and started waiting on these people, and all
the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook".

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled
all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees
to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still
ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and
broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She
wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer
there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists
have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -
bacteria found in feces.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &
beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because
alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of you know what.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A very self-important University of Pittsburgh freshman,
attending the Pitt - Penn State football game, took it
upon himself to explain to a Senior Citizen sitting next
to him why it was impossible for the older generation to
understand his generation. "You grew up in a different
world, actually an almost primitive one," the student
said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The
young people of today grew up with television, jet planes,
space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have
visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen
cars, computers with light-speed processing ......and,"
pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's
litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those
things when we were young........so we invented them.
Now, you arrogant little brat, what are you doing for the
next generation?"

The applause was resounding...
Gotta love those Senior Citizens!

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Thanks to Mike for these:

The Seniors Breakfast Special
**********************************
I LOVE this one.....it will make your day. ----
Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll
appreciate it!! Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!!
It pays to think outside the box!

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the
"seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the
eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-
nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,"
the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?"
my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special then." my wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the
block more than once.

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Every year, English teachers from across the
country can submit their collections of similes
and metaphors found in high school essays. These
excerpts are published each year to the amusement
of teachers across the country by http://www.manbottle.com/humor/Take_five_minutes_and_chuckle

Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without
Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
from experience, like a guy who went blind because
he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers
of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli,
and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years
had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity
came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the
pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement
like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The
whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like
when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose
hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just
like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each
other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood
with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's
teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like
two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind
like a steel trap, only one that had been left
out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind
you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually
lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at
a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers
chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage
truck backing up.

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Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way
to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $ 100.
People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can
still be your friend.
You NEVER see the dust accumulating.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for
all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates