FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 19

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 19 September 30, 2007

Wow does time fly. Here we are in fall with the leaves
brilliant and the sky a clear blue in the background.
Where do the days go? I finally will have more time for
this and other things I like to do now that I am only
working 5 days a week outside the home. Whoohoo!

Catch the article in the NY Times on Ikea hacking
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/06/garden/06hackers.html

and the blog they mention for some cool ideas
http://ikeahacker.blogspot.com/

A place to buy and sell homemade things
http://www.etsy.com/

Ever wonder about slang (particularly foreign slang)?
http://slang.otheday.com/

Starting to think "Made in the USA" is no joke?
http://www.stillmadeinusa.com/

What a riot this is: I was talking to Sheila and she was
saying she found Crypt Magazine while surfing and that
it has cool recipes. Imagine my surprise to find this:
http://www.cryptmagazine.com/index2.html

but finally I found what she was looking at here:
http://thecryptmag.com/phpnuke/modules.php?name=magazine

"Every keystroke on your computer is there, forever
and ever," Mr. Mulvaney said. he had one bit of advice.
"The only thing you can truly erase these things with
is a specialty Smith & Wesson product," he said. "Throw
your computer into the air and play skeet with it."

On to the chuckles:

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Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's
more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

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The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody has the same size bucket.

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The future, according to some scientists, will be
exactly like the past, only far more expensive.
~~ John Sladek

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Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history,
is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and
rebellion that progress has been made.
~~ Oscar Wilde

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When a distinguished but elderly scientist states
that something is possible, he is almost certainly right.
When he states that something is impossible, he is very
probably wrong. ~~ Arthur C. Clarke

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What you risk reveals what you value.
~~ Jeanette Winterson

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As long as people will accept crap, it will be
financially profitable to dispense it.
~~ Dick Cavett

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If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,
their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have
turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up an office in
my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I
look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something
I can use to write proposals, track expenses and
run my business. what do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything

?ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if
you don't start with some straight answers. What
about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

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St Peter is walking around heaven looking for God.
He hasn't seen God for 6 days. Finally, on the
seventh day St. Peter sees God sitting in a lawn
chair drinking iced tea. St. Peter walks up to Him
and asks where has He been. God explains to St. Peter
that He has been busy making the universe.

St. Peter asks if he could see it. God takes St. Peter
by the hand and they go to look at God's creation. St.
Peter is admiring everything God has created when he
notices an amazingly beautiful blue planet.

"What is that?" St. Peter asks.

"Oh", says God, "That's what I call Earth. That is my
most perfect creation."

"What makes it so perfect?" St. Peter asks.

God explains to St Peter that Earth is perfect because
it is balanced. He has the Sahara Desert where it is
very dry, which is balanced by the Amazon Rainforest
which is very wet. He made Mt. Everest which is very
high and the Marianas Trench which is very deep.

God is listing off more examples when St. Peter spots
a most idyllic area. "Lord, what do you call that
paradise over there?"

"That, my child" says the Lord,"is my most perfect of
all my creations. It is perfect in every way. I call
it Wisconsin!"

"But Lord, asks St. Peter, what did you do to balance
out paradise?

"The Lord replies, "Take a close look St. Peter. See
how I surrounded it with Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota.........."

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Idle Thoughts Of A Wandering Mind

I planted some bird seed
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it

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I had amnesia once---or twice

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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Now what?

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Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make
me happy.

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If the world were a logical place, men would be the

ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

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They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge
his car onto the freeway.

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Experience is the thing you have left when everything
else is gone.

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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

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My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?

********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do
you explain whales?

********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

********************

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

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THINGS TO PONDER

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always
starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will
make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all.
4. Seatbelts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're
in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they
demonstrate how many people a company can operate
without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who
wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more
publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this: no one ever says "It's only a game"
when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're
going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos?
(And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in
every joint, you are probably dead.

I can add one more!
How is it that a little boy who is deathly afraid of needles
has to have piercings when he turns 18?

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A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a
play date."Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the
mother replied."It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions
and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get
a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"The
exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin
to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl
says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her
drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you
find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in
heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know
why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife as really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200
in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She
opened it and found a brand new Bathroom Scale. Ed
has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

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I hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates