FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 29

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 29 October 23, 2006

Wow Halloween is rushing at us with a vengeance. Here it has been
unseasonably cold, rainy and windy. All the more reason to stay
inside and curl up cozy and warm. We had snow this morning!

You may wonder why I included the website for the LA Public
Library but aside from its new historic photos section they have
a Day of the Dead exhibit
http://www.lapl.org/

For more Day of the Dead info
http://www.lapl.org/events/muerto/index.html
http://www.public.iastate.edu/~rjsalvad/scmfaq/muertos.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day_of_the_Dead
http://www.dayofthedead.com/TraditionAltars.html

Want Halloween sites? They are here:
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Halloween.html

Real mummies from around the world
http://www.mummytombs.com/

BTW if you love Wkipedia and wish it were simpler for youngsters
or ESL folks here you are:
http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

Time to order your fruitcakes:
http://www.monasteryfruitcake.org/productsfruitcakes.asp

Federal Vampire & Zombie Agency (FVZA) also known as
"the Vanguard," was responsible for controlling the nation's
vampire and zombie populations while overseeing scientific
research into the undead. This site is a tribute to the men
and women who served in the FVZA, especially the over 4000
Agents who lost their lives fighting to keep our country safe.
http://www.fvza.org/

Over 1040 images scanned from more than 80 different
old books, most with multiple high-resolution versions
and many with text excerpts! They are all public domain
(copyright-free, out of copyright) to be used by you.
http://www.fromoldbooks.org/

An undated interview with the then current owner,
known only as Kim in the article, of the infamous
Haunted eBay painting, titled The Hands Resist Him.
http://www.allaboutghosts.com/10hebay.html

Halloween Recipes
http://www.zoinkies.com/halloween/halloweenrecipes.htm

Just in time for the party comes this cocktail recipe site
http://www.cocktaildb.com/index

Oldest oldies site on the web: fads, classic rock & TV, Elvis

http://www.fiftiesweb.com/fifties.htm

Urban Outfitters has cool clothes plus free music
courtesy of emusic.com they offer 5 free songs
to download every week
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/jump.jsp?itemType=CATEGORY&itemID=1158&iMainCat=1158&iSubCat=1158

Paper Plates - a unique genre of education materials! Ever needed mp;amp;amp;amp;
a simple explanation? Try this site from DePaul University:
http://analyzer.depaul.edu/paperplate/

Nature shots
http://www.webshots.com/g/33.html

Who knew you could make a Corvette ugly?
http://neptune.spacebears.com/gallery/ugly.html

Another version of the EBay song
http://www.dorks.com/html/Ebay-Song.html

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best things in life are not free, but priceless. ~~ Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush at a press conference is like the dumb kid in
school gets called up to the blackboard. You feel bad for him,
but there's nothing you can do to help." ~~ Jimmy Kimmel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There's a new book out that says President Bush used marijuana
while in the National Guard. When President Bush heard the
news he said, "See I told you I was in the National Guard!"
~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"CBS also has a brand new hit show. It's called 'Survivor
Congress.' Last week, Mark Foley was voted off. Next week,
Dennis Hastert is being voted off." ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"With so many politicians being taken down by sex scandals this
year, I tip my hat to Wisconsin Secretary of State candidate Sandy
Sullivan who has written a book detailing her sexual exploits with
multiple members of the Green Bay Packers during the team's
heyday in the 1960s. It is so refreshing to see a candidate whose
closet has been so thoroughly cleaned out." ~~ Stephen Colbert

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In wake of the George Allen controversy, Virginia Democratic
Senate challenger Jim Webb declined to say on Tuesday whether
he ever used the 'N' word. But it did not help his case when he
asked, 'Does it count if it was in Scrabble?'." ~~ Seth Meyers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Daffynitions:

1 ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and
is now growing in the middle.

2. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where some women go to dye.

3. CHICKENS: Animals you eat before they are born and after
they are dead.

4. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

5. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

6. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth
will do more damage.

7. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the
paper.

8. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes flies look good after
all.

9. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

10. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

11. TOMORROW: One of today's greatest labor saving devices.

12. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Top 14 Ways Hell is Better Than Your Job

14. Your coffee stays hot all day!

13. Never have to look very far to find the legal department.

12. In hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge --
Satan!

11. 30% fewer "Dilbert" cartoons in the break room.

10. In hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.

9. You get to spend more time with your spouse now.

8. No more wondering if the boss hates you.

7. Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public
transportation.

6. Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite
invigorating.

5. Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the
boss!

4. Your office: One free stale donut every Friday.
Hell: One brutal mutilation of a "Full House" cast member every
Friday.

3. Your job? Suit and tie. Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby!

2. Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty
joke now and then without threatening a sexual harassment
complaint.

1. Microwave popcorn -- without leaving your cubicle!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe we should go back to the way it used to be...........

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your behind, belch, and
yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in
the culture Wars, the Retrosexual Movement."

The Code : A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists,
PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that
fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS WITH IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how
long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still
smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having
sex, you are a God.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a
woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff.

Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you
include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when
he's 30 years old. A Retrosexual should know how to properly
kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "DEALING
WITH IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his
house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness
for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself
will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the
long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major
mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your
entire family in a freak wood chipper accident, favorite sports
team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring,
etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't
pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT.
When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe
designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing
a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can
brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you
can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL
WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of
those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up". Crying.
There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none
of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.
Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred
method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control.
Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to)
death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in
this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part
on your Ford truck. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus
and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any
woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to
that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in
their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with
the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the
words to the Star Spangled Banner

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother
do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that
they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/
engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing,
shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen
utensils. A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard)
without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety,
and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where
he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of nature",
and then the Retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with
IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women
but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's)

NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but
the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and
thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good
enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances
change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone
when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand
that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we
just DEAL WITH IT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional and says:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you work for the government when...

* The process becomes more important than the product

* You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on
a subject you know nothing about

* You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there

* You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will
be the one answering them.

* You fly first class across the country to attend a conference
with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not
have enough money.

* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is
an acronym.

* You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed
of acronyms.

* You know that the location of a meeting is directly related
to its importance.

(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a
contractor

(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal
attention

* You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same
thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN

* You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a

flyswatter.

* Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

* Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

* You burn your yard rather than mow it.

* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they
don't want it.

* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

* You come back from the dump with more than you took.

* You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

* You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

* You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

* Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

* Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to
help him take the wheels off.

* You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.

* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.

* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.

* You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said
concentrate.

* You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The
waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would
like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would
like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would
like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order
correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How is the witches team doing?
They're having a spell in the first division!

How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting for two hours!

What do you call a skeleton that is always telling lies?
A boney phoney!

What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he goes out to
work in the evening?
"Have a nice bite"!

Why did the ghost go to the funfair?
He wanted to go on a rollerghoster!

How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give them a hand!

When do cannibals cook you?
On Fried-days!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around
your neck?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this item from the Washington Post

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an
artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real
word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until You realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through
the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed
just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

AND THE PICK OF THE LOT....

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates