FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 31

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 31 November 23, 2006

My ecard for you on Thanksgiving
http://www.marlo.com/find/326/10/5523839.html

Heading out on my holiday visit to the PA kids so I had to
check the TSA list of do's and don'ts for air travel
http://www.tsa.gov/press/happenings/9-25_updated_passenger_guidance.shtm

Need help with the Thanksgiving bird or crafts? Plenty of fun
stuff for the kids and Turkey hotlines here:
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/THANKSGIVING.html

Thanksgiving ecards
http://www.bhg.com/bhg/category.jhtml?categoryid=/templatedata/bhg/category/data/ecard_Thanksgiving.xml

Decorating the Tree with Cats
http://www.fluffytails.ca/christmas.asp

When I saw this I thought, what a great thing to share! How to
save a wet cell phone. I wonder if this works with any other wet
electronics? Wiki How has many awesome how to ideas:
http://www.wikihow.com/Save-a-Wet-Cell-Phone

A new exhibit at the Guggenheim in NYC had an unexpected
problem when this Goya was stolen during transport
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/14/AR2006111400254.html

"Children With a Cart" was to be seen here but there are plenty
of other Old Masters including El Greco and Picasso in the exhibit
http://www.guggenheim.org/picasso/index.html

I was reminded of a great place to eat in Chicago recently.
Starting as a hot dog place in a trailer in 1963 by spring
2007 in several states there will be 33 Portillo's Hot Dogs,
10 Barnelli's Pasta Bowls, 1 Key Wester Fish and Pasta
House and Hemingway's Bar, 1 Luigi's House and Julian's
Piano Bar and 1 Catering company for a total of 46 units
and employing over 3,500 employees.
http://www.portillos.com/

Jeeves Volleyball - play with two butlers volleying a
teapot back and forth.
http://www.armorgames.com/games/jeevesvolleyball_popup.html

Bad Speller Take one of the 5 quizzes and see how bad
you really are.
http://www.badspelling.com/

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.
They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take
twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
-- Erma Bombeck

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I
invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we
had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took
their land." -- Jon Stewart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
~~ Jimmy Buffett

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"Have you heard of the turducken?
It's very popular for Thanksgiving. It's a chicken stuffed
inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey. In Asia they call it
the bird flu trifecta." --Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.”
~~ Tom Wilson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock
star or an opera diva.” ~~ Josh Groban

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the
one I've never tried before.” ~~ Mae West

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a
member of Congress. But I repeat myself”
~~ Mark Twain

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these Great Bumper Stickers:

IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The
Next Exit.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits with An Unarmed Person.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me Too.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For 70 mph

Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If Walking Is So Good For You,
Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Ax Me About Ebonics.

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down

Before He Admits He is Lost?

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

AND Finally
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED
OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night of Thanksgiving
With apologies to Clement C. Moore, author of 'A Visit
From St. Nicholas'

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...
Happy eating to all! (Pass the cranberries, please)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Signs You've Eaten Too Much

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags
around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man
17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift
in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you
to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire
department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a
halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Rules of Eating Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're
eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home
from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take
the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of
the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will
jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually
counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives
make you look younger.
9. Q:Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics
Anonymous?
A: Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to
do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the
freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's
wrong with you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting
with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there
were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating
the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store
get together.

"Well, I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I never could catch the
darn thing!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her
family.

She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger"?

The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from
the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of
two sandwiches was better.

The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first
sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical
look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are
they both listed with the same price on the menu?"

To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to
the turkey."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early
weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This
is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven
to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot
and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a
severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a
knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift
across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery
spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued
for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the
beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and
taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the
refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to
eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers
can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of
scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming
trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating
pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Barb for this one:

Stolen in The Night
This is a heads-up to those friends who haven't experienced
it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who
have:

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person
whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well,
read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this
one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years
ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body
and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had
the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such
a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?

Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally,
hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life
in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck
again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang
because they took pains to match my new rear end
(although badly attached at least three inches lower than
my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.
Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic,
I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been
switched. One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched
horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung
to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really
getting scary.

My body was being replaced one section at a time.
How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to
creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was
being attacked repeatedly and without warning.

In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to
me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanks-
giving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the
medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake
up and smell the coffee.

That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.
You KNOW where they are getting those replacement
parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face
"lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs... and I hope that Cindy
Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every
town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had
stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone!
As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had
just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week! If you know
someone who would enjoy my newsletter, please send it to them,
complete with my e-mail address so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 30

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 30 November 6, 2006

Don't forget to vote! If you don't, you can't complain about what
you get for government.

The Amazon flowed backwards
http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20061026/sc_space/amazonriverflowedbackwardsinancienttimes

If you are over run with books, here is a site that offers to buy
some of your books (I put in about 10 titles and it offered to buy
2 for not a lot but it was something) They pay postage!
http://www.mckenziebooks.com/cash4books/index.php

PC World offers the 25 Worst Websites!
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,127116/article.html

Was Houdini a spy?
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20061028/D8L1OS600.html

Make a Halloween Tree
http://www.ehow.com/how_2000499_Make-A-Halloween-Tree.html

For those who had too much Halloween
http://ftp.pcworld.com/pub/screencams/pumpkin1.jpg

PBS offers this site on volcanoes and megavolcanoes
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/megavolcano/

Amusing cartoons
http://www.animalshaveproblemstoo.com/archive.php

Need to check out the bling bling?
http://www.tiffany.com/

Cult and classic Science Fiction
http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/display.htm

Hollywood stories, locations, events & sound effects
http://hollywoodlostandfound.net/index.html

Some amusing files here (at the now defunct PIBMUG - Pasadena
IBM User Group site)
http://www.pibmug.com/files.html

Fun Things for your blog
http://www.blogthings.com/quizzes/

As we know the rich and famous get arrested and photoed.
Check out the mug shots here
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/index.html

I don't usually include special offers from vendors but this one has
a free voucher from Orbitz plus some cool vacation contests
http://www.tide.com/en_US/specialoffers/index.jsp

Thanks to Mike for the Doo Wop Horses, just click one two or more
http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would
ever get done.
~~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
~~ George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore
they attempt the impossible -- and achieve it, generation
after generation. ~~ Pearl S. Buck (1892-1973)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
~~ Hunter S. Thompson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bush one liner from Kerry ~~ "Bush used to live in the state of Texas,

now he lives in the state of denial...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the
Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster,
which would be a first -- a disaster they were actually prepared
for." ~~ Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Elections are coming and it looks like the Republicans are going to
lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures.
[on screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama
bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. Let me get this
straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again,
so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been
able to catch him for the last five years?." ~~ Jimmy Kimmel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now why is Kerry being attacked??

"I'm sick and tired of a bunch of despicable Republicans who will
not debate real policy, who won't take responsibility for their own
mistakes, standing up and trying to make other people the butt
of those mistakes," he said. "It disgusts me that a bunch of these
Republican hacks who've never worn the uniform of our country
are willing to lie about those who did." ~~ John Kerry
(But of course the news didn't jump on that quote.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.

Accept that somedays you're the pigeon, and somedays you're
the statue

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and
thought to myself - "Where the hell is the ceiling???"

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...

Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like,
you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's wierdo...

People in glass houses should always wear clothes.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

When ideas fail, words become very handy.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then
beat you with experience.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they
nail up pictures.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.

It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

Add life to your years, instead of years to your life.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Live such that when you die, even the undertaker will be sorry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ways in Which College is Different from High School

17. In high school, you do homework. In college you study.

16. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In
college, food must be provided at an event before students
will come.

15. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder;
in college on both.

14. In college, the professors can tell you the answer with-
out looking at the teacher's guide.

13. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

12. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In
college, you get to live with your friends.

11. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In
college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes
don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the
classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.

10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-
talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever
talk with the professor.

9. In high school, fire drills are planned by the
administration; in college, by the pranksters from the dorms.

8. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of
your grade even than your high school final exams did.

7. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning,"
you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good
morning," you write it down.

6. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza
three meals a day.

5. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

4. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money
from Mom and Dad.

3. In college, when you miss a class or two or three, you
don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip...
.uh, sick that day.

2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's
not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because
you can't afford it.

1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists
like this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The
friend recommended a kosher place nearby.

They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house
specialty: matzo ball soup.

The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup
suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So
he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly
liked it.

After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But
tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just
the balls?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A contestant on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" had reached the
final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she
would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would
pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

As she suspected it would be, the million dollar question was no
pushover. It read, "Which of the following species of bird does not
build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds"?

Is it: A.) the condor B.) the buzzard C.) the cuckoo or D.) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She was
double on the spot, because she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and
her audience poll lifeline. All that remained was her phone a friend
lifeline and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not
have to use it, because the only friend that she knew would be home
happened to be a blonde. But, the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly, "That's easy. The answer is
C, the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis
any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And,
considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the
logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded
with such confidence, such certitude that the contestant could
not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C, the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer"? asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the
answer is absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire! "

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family
and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the
million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am
now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was
your assuredness with which you answered the question that
persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you
happen to know the right answer"?

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil
before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I
washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and
asked, "Do I smell like olive oil"?

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye"?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal. As I
answered it, I was greeted with, "Is this Karl Brummer"?

Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who was calling.

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered
Freezer Company or something like that.

Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he
calling this number.

I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at
various angles and the blood smears."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he
had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because
we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a
summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he
knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about
one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers
were given in a shaky voice.

I then told him we had located his position and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody.

At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his
running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for
about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but it was the best
meal in a long, long time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize that he must first deal with the problem on "this" side
of the road before it goes after the problem on the "other side"
of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid
he's acting by not taking on his "current" problems before
adding "new" problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,
which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of
having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,
which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so
that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like
the rest of the chickens.

George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed
the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of
the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There
is no middle ground here.

Donald Rumsfeld: Now, to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Anderson Cooper, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to
the other side of the road.

John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,
I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross and I was
misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now and will
remain against it.

Judge Judy: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty!
You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market
to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've
not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road
and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we
will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart
warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting
and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken. The platform is much more stable and will never ever,
ever reboot.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

Al Gore: I invented the chicken!

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:

Laura Bush bought Dubya a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick
Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to
mispronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that
he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death
experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days
to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so
much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the
most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the
hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought
you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from
out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this!!!)

God replied, "I didn't recognize you..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Famous Love Story

I will seek and find you . .. .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when
I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

"The Flu"

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this one:

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy,
cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished
but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious
ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune."Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half
the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman
takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:Women are clever and evil.
Don't mess with them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates