Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 21

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 21 May 30, 2005


Happy Memorial Day!This weekend we headed out to the
World's Biggest Bratfest and had a great time. Still time to
make it out there for some music and a few brats:
http://www.bratfest.com/

With all the TV schedule changes this may be handy:
http://tvlistings.zap2it.com

Next weekend:
http://www.riversplash.com/ Milwaukee
http://www.overturecenter.com/jazz.htm Madison
http://www.capcan.org/vitensefest2005.htm Madison


Madison Feis 2005 Alliant Energy Center
Alliant Energy Center Way Madison, WI
Saturday, June 4, 2005 8:30 AM - 4:30 PM
The World Champion Trinity Academy of Irish Dance will
host a dance competition in which 1500 competitors, ages
5-18 are expected. Ten stages with live musicians will
provide an unforgettable event.
http://www.alliantenergycenter.com/

FRIENDS OF THE DRAGON ART FAIR
Downtown DeForest, WI JUNE 4, 2005
http://dragonartsgroup.org/


Festa Italia McKee Farms Fitchburg , WI
Italian dancers, children's activities, "A Taste of Italy"
and bocce ball await you 608.288.8284
Friday, June 3, 2005 -Sunday, June 5, 2005
http://www.iwcmadison.com/festa/index.html


Mount Horeb's Summer Frolic Grundahl Park
Mount Horeb's kickoff to the summer. Beer Tent, food,
entertainment, Tough Truck competition, fireworks, parade,
carnival rides, softball & volleyball tournament, bingo, raffle
for a Harley Davidson and more!Thursday, 5-10pm, Friday,
5-12:30pm, Saturday, 8:30am-12.30, Sunday, 8:30am-7pm.
http://www.trollway.com

Milwaukee travel links:
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=131489&xstate=view_story

Chicago travel links:
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=129014&xstate=view_story

Madison
http://www.mononaterrace.com/community/community_events.html#tunes
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=117536&xstate=view_story
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=182107&xstate=view_story
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=141963&xstate=view_story

Breakfast
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=139152&xstate=view_story

Getaways
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/getaways/
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=100966&xstate=view_story
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=152467&xstate=view_story


Amnesty International Takes Aim at 'Gulag' in Guantanamo
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/05/25/AR2005052500367_pf.html

What's the big stink here:
http://www.conservatoryofflowers.org/whatsnew/index.htm

The latest on the Supreme Court and abortion laws:
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050523/D8A90GNO0.html

Sex offenders get Viagra paid for by Medicaid, CNN
reported Monday.
http://www5.cnn.com/2005/LAW/05/23/offenders.viagra/

Newer net dangers
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/business/local/bal-idtheft0523,0,2790551.story

Life after "Star Wars"
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050527/ap_en_mo/film_star_wars_what_now;_ylt=AsBtZDM7rpZljX44bZmSgAqs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA2OXY1b2VrBHNlYwNlbg--

The Star Wars pick up line generator:
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourstarwarspickupline/

Thanks to Erin for this sad news:
Thurl Ravenscroft, the highly recognizable voice of a host
of Disney characters, as well as Kellogg's famous Tony the
Tiger, died Sunday at the age of 91 of prostate cancer.
Ravenscroft was probably best known as the vocal talent
behind the Frosted Flakes advertising icon for more than
50 years, but Disney fans also knew him as the deep bass
who voiced characters in numerous Disney attractions,
such as the Pirates of the Caribbean, Splash Mountain, the
Enchanted Tiki Room and the Haunted Mansion. He also
did voices for the animated Disney films Cinderella, The
Jungle Book, Mary Poppins, Alice in Wonderland, Lady
and the Tramp and many others. He was named a Disney
Legend by the company in 1995.
http://legends.disney.go.com/legends/detail?key=Thurl+Ravenscroft

Since 1996, designed to be the search engine of choice for
information on current affairs, new science, politics, and
the "hidden information" that is seldom exposed by the
corporate-owned media conglomerates. It has evolved into
one of the largest and most popular alternative news and
underground culture destinations on the Web.
http://www.disinfo.com/site/

Very cool article on what to do with those telemarketers
http://news.scotsman.com/scitech.cfm?id=549052005
just in case the article is no longer available here are the
anti-telemarketer resources they suggested
http://www.hahaha.com.au/coldcallcomedy/AFD2005.asp
http://www.xs4all.nl/~egbg/counterscript.html

And don't forget to register to get rid of them for 5 years
https://www.donotcall.gov/default.aspx

You can find most state do not call lists here but if its not
try your favorite search engine (google, snap, yahoo)
http://www.ataconnect.org/GovernmentAffairs/StateDoNotCallLists.html

Hysterical bridal apparel (what were they thinking?)
http://www.visi.com/~dheaton/bride/the_bride_wore.html

For the athelete or anyone who would rather workout
than hang out in the airport on a layover, this web site
lists more than 50 health clubs in the US and Canada.
A few are in airports or airport hotels, but most of the
gyms are a short taxi ride away and have a fee of $5-15.
http://www.airportgyms.com

Can you pass the U.S. Citizen's test? According to the
INS, most regional offices require a score of 7 or 8 out
of 10 to pass.
http://www.herald-sun.com/votebook/citizenship/citstart.html



"Fighting ignorance since 1973", for all those times when
you wonder why its that way:
http://www.straightdope.com/

Juvenile humor from a defunct ezine, but in this case
its an 8 year old advice columnist:
http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_dr_michael.html


Hmmm not sure if I like this. It makes no sense but it was
kind of fun exploring just click whenever the pointing finger
(or whatever your cursor does to indicate a link)
http://www.superbad.com/index17.html

You don't have to be disabled to enjoy these games:
http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/cat_index_41.shtml

A neat site for quizzes: choose from psychic, nerd, weird,
Star Trek and more. Also a word scramble game here:
http://www.nerdtests.com/funtests.php

More quizzes:
http://www.blogthings.com/quizzes.html

Just in time for all those campfires learn how to play that
guitar sitting in the corner gathering dust:
http://www.cyberfret.com/
http://www.guitarforbeginners.com/
http://www.guitarnoise.com/guitar.php


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't believe everything you think ~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of
course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
~~ Jerome K. Jerome

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For every complex problem there's a simple solution,
and it's wrong. ~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial
reasons. ~~ Bertrand Russell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power.
~~ Abraham Lincoln

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's not that life is one thing after another - it's the same
damn thing over and over. ~~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right
here by me. ~~ Alice R. Longworth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to
public office. ~~ Aesop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Here's my idea for another one of those 'reality-based'
TV shows: NO SURVIVORS! One by one, a pstcopathic
serial killer tracks down and kills all of the Survivor
survivors. Think of it as a public service."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"See I'm hooked up to a taser and if I do any Bush jokes,
the first lady can zap me from backstage." ~~-Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman renewing her driver's license at the County
Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state
her occupation. Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to
classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder,
"do you have a job, or are you just a .....?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers
it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her
story until one day I found myself in the same situation,
this time at our own Town Hall.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient,
and possessed of a high - sounding title like "Official
Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your
occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply
popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and
looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated
the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was
written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what
you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard
myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research
(what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field
(normally I would have said indoors and out).

I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and
already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job
is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother
care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is
more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-
of- the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction
rather than just money." There was an increasing note of
respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood
up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous
new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7,
and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model
(6 months) in the child-development program, testing out
a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And
I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just
another mother."

Motherhood...what a glorious career. Especially when
there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates
in the Field of Child Development and Human Relations", and
great - grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?

I think so!

I also think it makes aunts "Associate Research Assistants!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the
limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that
the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your
Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never
let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver,
wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the
Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his
decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme
Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until
they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my
license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back
to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,"
said the cop.

Chief exclaimed........ "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked...... "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop:"Bigger."

Chief:"Governor?"

Cop:"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"

Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these:

This is what The Dalai Lama has to say for 2005.
1. Take into account that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for
others and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is
sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate
steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for
your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the
current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which
your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order
to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2004...
according to Reader's Digest:

Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to
check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her
hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and
flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you
all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows
it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under
the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."

AND NOW...FOR THE...#1 SMART ASS ANSWER SO
FAR FOR THE YEAR 2005 ...A college teacher reminds
her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't
tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family,
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand
and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly
at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says : "Well,
I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

LIQUOR WARNINGS

Of course this does not apply to you and me, but you
may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.

Canadian liquor manufacturers have accepted the Health
Canada's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you can logically converse with members of the
opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major
factor in getting your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack
you tink you kan tpye reel gud..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the
knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a
woman wears leather clothing?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to
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Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 20

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 20 May 23, 2005



Well last weekend they opened the last of the Star Wars
movies so of course my kids and I all went. No I wasn't
at that first midnight show (that was Dan and Erin and
their friends) but I did get there Friday afternoon with
Adam and Amanda. I enjoyed it much more than the
last two Star Wars movies.

So Erin sent me this link to a movie from not so long ago,
in a supermarket not so far away. . .
http://www.StoreWars.org
Join the adventures of Cuke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Cannoli,
Chewbroccoli and the rest of the Organic Rebels fighting
against Darth Tader and the Dark Side of the Farm.

This week Google introduced personalized home pages
http://news.com.com/Google+introduces+personalized+home+pages/2100-1032_3-5714284.html?tag=nl&tag=nl.e496

My daughter in law has asked that I pass along this
request to act on this Autism Bill. With 1 in 166 kids
now being affected isn't it time to kick our politicians
into action? This is a non partisan bill and they might
as well do something besides line their pockets.
http://www.kintera.org/siteapps/advocacy/index.aspx?c=hjJXJcMQIsE&b=619823&action=2244&template=x.ascx&refid=jkLSI9MQLgJRL5NYE

9 year old girl raises money to protect RCMP dogs:
http://news.monstersandcritics.com/northamerica/article_1001279.php/Alberta_girl_raises_funs_for_buys_dogs_bullet-proof_vests

Mike got another scam email this week, this time from the
“head of the Treasury Dept. at the Bank of South Africa”.
He did a little Google searching and turned up this gem of
a page. Follow the links as they string along the would be
scammer. http://www.improving.org/paulp/nigerians/

While we are talking scams, I happened across this tale
of a most interesting ebay scam. However, this time the
scammer DID NOT win. Here is the website with all the
funfacts (aka what went down, and how).
http://www.p-p-p-powerbook.com/
(just click on the pdf file towards the top of the site).

If you aren't scared yet read this project where identities
were stolen with a few bucks and some spare time
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/18/technology/18data.html?

Would you like to quickly bypass the login of web sites
that require compulsory registration and/or the collection
of personal/demographic information (such as the New
York Times).
http://www.bugmenot.com/

Every once in a while we all can use some free tech tips
http://malektips.com/


Star Wars Gangsta Rap
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/funpages.htm


Hysterical pet videos
http://www.msnfound.com/karen.aspx


More great videos at
http://www.msnfound.com/

The best commercials are always European:
http://www.holylemon.com/adverts.html

Draw with your friends
http://www.imaginationcubed.com/LaunchPage

If you loved Kaleidoscopes as a kid you will love this site
(adults can play too).
http://www.permadi.com/java/spaint/spaint.html

More fun at Permadi
http://www.permadi.com/

From Erin came this great photo sharing site:
http://www.flickr.com/

Also thanks to Erin: Put your birth date in the pop up
window after you click on the link below. What happens
is pretty interesting and see how quickly it computes!!
http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html

More fun here:
http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/

Play games online
http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/index.html
http://members.cruzio.com/~sab/


Great photo site from Shanghai by Tony
http://spaces.msn.com/members/tony2002/

What can I say you have to see it to believe it:
http://www.ninjaburger.com/

More silliness "The 86 Rules of Boozing":
http://www.drunkard.com/issues/01-02/01_02_booze_rules.htm

Nostagia here - 1 minute portraits of many celebrities
http://www.movietone-portraits.com/

Great link to the blog for BB King's guitar player
Larry J
http://spaces.msn.com/members/larryj/

Pediactric website
http://www.drgreene.com/

Work smart not hard - a blog with practical advice
http://michaelhyatt.blogs.com/workingsmart/2005/04/recovering_the_.html

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One of the best expressions in the English language is,
'Who says so?' I guarantee, if you keep saying, 'Who
says so? long enough, sooner or later someone will take
you into custody." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread to
the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse, and
we will become a primitive society where we all run around
naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings. Wouldn't
that be GREAT?" ~~Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My brother wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me
to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates.
Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up
the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions
Wanted section of the newspaper. I asked him what he wanted
to call himself in the ad.

He said, "A self-starter!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell if a wolf is blonde?

It's chewed off three legs . . . .
the remaining leg is still in the trap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see
that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing
that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "Pull Over!"

"No!" the blonde yelled back, " It's A Scarf!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When

You answer the door before people knock.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are
good in the sack."

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know
how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without
using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house
and you don't even work there.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe".

You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good
to the last drop."

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest
of eternity in a coffee can.

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before,
coffee during and coffee after.

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass
of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an
I.V. hookup.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Positive Side of Life
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free
trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer
you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you
left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much
jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and
all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in
the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery
on a detour.

Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His
Retirement plan is out of this world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are some less common smilies:
(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15
hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a BIG girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-7 User just made a wry statement
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)~ User drools
:-~) User has a cold
:'-( User is crying
:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
- - -:-) User is a punk rocker
- - -:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
-I User is asleep
-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is reaally bummed
<-) User is Chinese
<-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@= User is pro-nuclear war
:-o Uh oh! (8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie 3:[ Mean Pet smilie
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
@:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
.-) User only has one eye ,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died 8 :-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a
toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin
Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make
midget smilies.
:) Midget smilie
:] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be
your friend

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The human brain starts working the moment you are
born and doesn't stop until you stand up to speak in
public.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People who think they know it all are a pain in the neck
to those of us who really do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support
employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the
screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

......"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."

......"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,
not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."

......"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's
because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the
store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have Rick to thank for this one:

As I understand it, Joseph Ratzinger was not the
Cardinals first choice. That was, interestingly, Cardinal
Hans Grapje. Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in
The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a
priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and
spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was
shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain,
giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary
in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap)
to villages across the continent.

In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when
an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. He went
down into the mine to administer last rights to those too
severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and
he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries,
including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content
in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition
characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service
of God as a scholar, mentor, as a high holy man, church
leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy.
They felt that the Church would never accept... a one-
eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:
A college class was told they had to write a short story
in as few words as possible. The short story had to
contain the following three things:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story.

Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From "I'm not Martha":
So how about other funny phobias? I get a kick out of:
A) what people are scared of; and
B) what goofy names they come up with for the fear.
Try these on for size:
Bald People -- Peladophobia
Becoming Bald-- Phalacrophobia
Chickens -- Alektorophobia.
Cooking -- Mageirocophobia.
Dinner Conversations -- Deipnophobia.
Being Tickled By Feathers -- Pteronophobia.
In-Laws -- Soceraphobia.
Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof of The Mouth
--Arachibutyrophobia.

And of course...the very best...
Long Words -- Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally :
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that
when you yell the name will carry." ~~ Bill Cosby

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
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respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 19

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 19 May 16, 2005




It seems that just before I left on vacation Dave Chapelle
left the country. Despite the rumors, he is lucid and
telling why in this interview with Time:
http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1061415,00.html

Another news compilation source to speed your news
reading time even further:
http://www.newsbleed.com/

This site intelligently reads hundreds of web pages
from search results and extracts short and concise
answers to your question.
http://www.brainboost.com/

Explore the last frontiers: sea and sky
http://seasky.org/

For the kids or for the kid in all of us a dinosaur that
looks like a fairy tale dragon:
http://www.childrensmuseum.org/new_content/promo/new_promo2.html

Great site for doing those pesky conversions: length,
weight, area, or temperature:
http://www.asknumbers.com/

More on weights and measures
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/cdkaese/home.htm

Pick a word and find the rhymes, synonyms, antonyms,
or sound a likes; all that would be cool enough, but you
can even find pics to go with your word here:
http://www.rhymezone.com/

DifficultWords dictionary - limited in scope but worthwhile
http://www.difficultwords.info/


All about first names: origins, popularity, history, names
for twins, name translations, name days and much more.
http://www.behindthename.com/

Interactive world map:
http://www.find-our-community.net/

Great shopping ahead:
http://www.torrid.com/ cute clothes for big girls
http://www.davidandgoliathtees.com/index.php
http://www.cooking.com
http://www.containerstore.com
http://www.improvementscatalog.com

While I think of it, did you ever have a great idea
and then wonder if you could patent it? Do a search
here to see if someone got there first or just look at
the crazy patent section for a laugh.
http://www.freepatentsonline.com/index.html

Get more organized to free up time for fun this summer
http://www.onlineorganizing.com/ExpertAdviceToolbox.asp


Lots and lots of quizzes
http://www.blogthings.com/quizzes.html

This picture hoax or fact quiz came from Mike
http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/4462/real_or_hoax1.swf


Mike also reminded me there will be blues and fun in the
sun May 21 & 22 at Pere Marquette Park. This event
has little coverage on the web that I can find but will provide
music from 11 to 11 Saturday with the headliner Jimmy
Dawkins followed by a jam and on Sunday music will be
from noon to 6pm with our good friends the Reverend
Raven and the Chain Smokin' Altar Boys playing later
in the day
http://www.experienceart.info/index.php?n=Venues.PereMarquettePark

Other nearby venues in Milwaukee for this event
http://www.experienceart.info/index.php?n=Main.Schedule

If you are a gamer you will want to peek here:
http://www.creativeuncut.com/cat03.html

More fun with the Mexican name generator:
http://www.blogthings.com/mexicannamegenerator/

One more . . . "You know you are addicted when . . ."
http://www.blogthings.com/addicted.html

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When will the rhetorical questions all end? "
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Tradition is what you get when you don't have the
time or the money to do it right."
~~ Kurt Herbert Adler (1905-1988)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You know, in a way, I feel for this runaway bride. I
once put my name on the list at Applebee's, then
changed my mind, panicked, and hid behind a
Goodwill drop box for a week." ~~ Dennis Miller

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval ratings in California
have gone down to Gray Davis levels. I saw a bumper
sticker on the way to work today that said 'Don't blame
me I voted for Gary Coleman.'" ~~ Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I've been studying up on some of my Las Vegas facts -
did you know, on the average, 151 people get married
every day in Las Vegas. One hundred and fifty-one.
You know, shouldn't that be an even number? Maybe
I'm wrong." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been
together, I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-
respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so
damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough
to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd
die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you
kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since
I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you
cheating bastard!

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Real Meanings of Medical Terms
Anti-body - Against everyone.
Artery - The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria - The back door of a cafeteria.
Barium - What you do after CPR fails.
Benign - What you are after you be eight and before
you be ten.
Bowel - A letter like A,E,I,O,U, and sometimes Y
Cesaerean section - A district in Rome.
Cardiac arrest - Taken into custody after stealing a
coupe deville.
Cardiology - Advance study of poker playing.
CAT Scan - Searching for the kitty.
Cauterize - To make eye contact with a woman.
Charlie Horse - A 10 to 1 long shot in the Kentucky Derby.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
Congenital - Friendly
D&amp;amp;amp;amp;C; - Where Washington is.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Uncle.
Fibula - A small white lie.
Genes - What you wear cutting grass.
Genital - Not a Jew.
G.I. Series - A baseball game between teams of soldiers.
Hangnail - A coat hook.
Hemorrhoid - A male alien from outerspace.
Herpes - What a woman does when we stop at a rest area.
Hormones - What a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Labor pain - Getting hurt at work.
Medical staff - A doctor's cane.
Minor operation - Coal digging.
Morbid - A higher offer.
Nitrates - Cheaper than the day rates.
Node - Was aware of.
Organic - An organ work repairman.
Outpatient - A patient who has fainted.
Pap smear - A fatherhood test.
Paralyze - Two far fetched stories.
Pelvis - A cousin of Elvis.
Pharmacist - A person who makes living in agriculture.
Post-operative - A letter carrier.
Protein - In favor of young people.
Recovery room - Where they do upholstery.
Rectum - Dang near killed 'em.
Scalpel - What you stand on to clean windows in high rise
buildings.
Secretion - Hiding something.
Seizure - A Roman emperor.
Tablet - A small table.
Terminal illness - Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor - An extra pair.
Urine - The opposite of "you are out".
Vericose - Nearby.
Vein - Conceited.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed
a desire to become a "great writer." When asked to define
"great," this is what he said: "I want to write material that
the whole world will read, material that people will react
to on a truly emotional level, material that will make them
scream, cry, wail, and howl in pain, desperation and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my
girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting
to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open
the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murd-
erous expression, holding out a handshake that, when
gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering
how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my
dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel
even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and
they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced.
Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to
APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into
two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd
better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck
not picking anything up.

Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at any-
thing below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable
for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that
they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take
this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may
come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In
order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will
take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four - I'm sure you've been told that in today's
world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some
kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex,
I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I
need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with
me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting
for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes
by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for
the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for
a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds,
sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there
is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs
and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight
simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too! There
are only eight of them, for crying out loud!

And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to any one of these
cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he
couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is
prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the
rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate
(-ink washes off-) and that my wood burning set was
probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my
daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the
driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the
front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured
he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she
asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you
remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with
the eight simple rules?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Depending on where someone is from and where they
are driving you can make some assumptions about their
driving styles and etiquette...

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot
solidly on accelerator.

Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering
wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of
you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in
rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is
flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat
double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on
accelerator with gun in lap.

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel,
eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on
accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back
seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling
cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet being on the accelerator
and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag
out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun
mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel
tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely
visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate
in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater,
feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently
decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel,
broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk; neither foot on
accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the
roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.

Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26
blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.

Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right
hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling
from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained
cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.

Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the
other. Knee on the steering wheel.

Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.

California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop
computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console
installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with
microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a
dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between
knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked
off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past
hour.

Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4,
Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back,
hay blowing out of bed while going down the highway.

Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass,
chunks of rust falling off by the pound.

Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso
in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians
who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.

Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.

Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as
possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people
behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to
fully clear before making any forward progress.

Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving
too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jocks Vs Nerds
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in
endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every
night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll
make $18,550 while he's there.

$ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618
while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000),
it would take him a whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement
money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every
second.

$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf,
but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his
income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions
will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made,
you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter
dash in the Olympics and about $15,600 during the Boston
Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal
in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S.
past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing
isn't it?

However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450
years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over.

Nerd wins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill: The Cadbury's Candy
Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the
new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may
take immediately before sex. The Pill to be distributed
by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's
Pharmacies will be called....

"Pre-dick-a-mints."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Think About It!
* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables
you to look for it in more places.
* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.
* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make
great ancestors.
* Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it
the rest of your life.
* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can
bet you're in a public restroom.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* The real reason you can't take it with you is that
it goes before you do.
* Junk is something you throw away three weeks
before you need it.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home,
even if you wish they were.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go
wrong has found someone to blame it on.
* A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through
a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
* The world is full of willing people: some willing to
work and some willing to let them.
* Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money
orders, and travelers checks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I
have to do is mention it to my husband and he says,
"Let's eat out!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a
convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the
priest's much-loved roses.

"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease
peculiar to this area known as the black death."

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to
increase his garden knowledge.

"Nuns with scissors."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For Those who Reed and Right
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aimara, a Mexican maid announced to her Boss Mr
Blanco and his wife that she was quitting. When asked
why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."

The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked
who the father could be.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.

"Well," Aimara explained, "I go to the library to clean it
and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the
living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'.
So I'm in the family way and I quit."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kid's Letters to President Bush
[From a book by Bill Adler]
* Dear Mr. President: How much money does the
president make? Could you please write and tell me
because if it isn't enough money then I will become a
dentist. --Timoth U., age 7 Jamestown, NY
*
When will we have a woman president? I am ready.
--Brooke A, age 10 Peoria, IL
*
Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says
your only friend is the vice-president. --Richard D.,
age 8 Greenwich, CT
*
Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But
not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the
Democrats and Republicans. --A citizen, Lawrence K.,
age 8 Atlanta, GA
*
What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible
because you have to pray a lot. --Kimberly W., age 8,
Meriden, CT
*
Dear President Bush: Can you help with the weather
in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even
the president can do anything about the weather. I
hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle.
--Elizabeth P., age 8 Seattle WA
*
What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that
Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble.
--Ralph N., Palm Beach, FL
*
What does the vice president do all day? I have asked
a lot of grownups and nobody knows the answer.
--Shannon D., age 8 Bismarck, ND
*
I think you won the election because you were a better
speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were
talking about. --Tracey O., age 10 Green Valley, AZ
*
My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in
the White House when we get married someday. We
will be married in 20 years. --Peter N., age 7
Bismarck, ND
*
Dear President Bush: What size shoes do you wear?
My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of
shoes and my brother and I would like to send you
and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like
brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes
before we send them to you. --Joey P., age 8 Erie, PA
*
On TV you didn't answer some questions because
you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my
answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke
something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the
answer is classified, I wouldn't be in trouble.
--Martin J., age 9 Philadelphia, PA
*
Dear Mr. President: My girlfriend is a Republican
and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married.
Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy?
I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your
answer before we are 18. --Ryan C., age 12
Philadelphia, PA
*
Someday if we have a woman president we will need
more closets in the White House so the president will
have room for all her clothes. My mom has 3 closets
and my sister has two closets and my dad and my
brother and I have to share closets. --Michael P.,
age 8 San Diego, CA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Things That Will Make You Crazy"
I found myself nodding my head at more than one of
the things on this list...
*
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid
little plastic thing in the middle of them.
*
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on
or off.
*
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing
down to find an address.
*
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
*
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never
works for you.
*
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
*
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying
to get a reading.
*
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop
out of the tray.
*
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and
your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
*
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm
instead of 7am.
*
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
*
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom
doorknob to get out.
*
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the
dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
*
You have to inform five different sales people in the
same store that you're just browsing., but then when
you need them they have all disappeared.
*
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and
now you can't find it.
*
You reach under the table to pick something off the
floor and smash your head on the way up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lastly, "Probation officials in New York are reportedly
examining whether Martha Stewart violated the terms
of her house arrest by attending a lavish party here in
Manhattan last week. Stewart is now trying to solve
the problem, by paying to have Manhattan moved
within 25 feet of her home." ~~ Dennis Miller

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 18

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 18 May 14, 2005

Wow, finally back from DC and getting organized again! I
have posted comments on my travels in and around West
Chester, but I still need to work on the DC portion of my
trip. All I can say is I'm glad to take some time away and
then glad to come back home again . If you are interested
in these or any of the other places I visit, go to:
http://blues-baby-rants.blogspot.com/

Sheila sent me to this site that claims to "fight discrimination
with facts, humor and fake fur". There are some amusing
posters to download and while this may be true, it's also
a place to sell their books, T-shirts, slides, and other items.
http://www.guerrillagirls.com/

I think these options are for the better in the fight against
discrimination: shop at these sites of women working on
the web provided by Soapbox Girls
http://www.soapboxgirls.com/buyersguide/index.html#other

Or better yet get involved with women in politics
http://www.ipu.org/bdf-e/BDFsearch.asp
http://www.libr.org/wss/WSSLinks/politics.html


Canadian site for women in politics
http://polisci.nelson.com/women.html

And if you are convinced that women in the US are among
the downtrodden see what goes on elsewhere
http://www.onlinewomeninpolitics.org/
http://www.idea.int/gender/index.cfm

This brand new site features dozens of name-brand bloggers,
as well as news coverage.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

The soup nazi of Seinfield fame to offer soup in grocery
stores and restaurants soon
http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/22/smbusiness/soup_man/
http://www.originalsoupman.com/

Since digital cameras are so popular there are more and more
photo blogs and sites with photos as commentary:
http://www.treemeat.com/archive.php

Short comment from me: if you have pics stored on your PC,
have you backed them up to disk? or online? Try:

http://www.ofoto.com
http://www.shutterfly.com
http://www.snapfish.com

http://www.freewebspace.net/guide/diskstorage.shtml
http://www.all-the-free-space.com/
http://www.emailaddresses.com/email_storage.htm
http://www.andromeda.com/people/ddyer/photo/albums.html

Great photos and photo tips here:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/jasonspace/Blog/cns!1pz8CKSZOwOZvi0adDLZDKZA!641.entry

Found that site here
http://whatsyourstory.msn.com/
where they feature sites from MSN Spaces

I also enjoyed this site by Jerry a pilot in Iraq.
http://spaces.msn.com/members/Freedom4allofus/

And this one with tips on dog training and Trick of the Week
http://spaces.msn.com/members/flamingeagle/

A Strange Ride Through Disney Theme Parks
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/WolfFiles/story?id=236498&page=1

More Disney News as the 50th Celebration Starts
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/popup?id=721390 Pics
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/popup?id=721403 Quiz
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/business/orl-bizdisneycelebration04050405may04,1,7909351.story?coll=orl-business-headlines&ctrack=1&cset=true
http://www.disneylandreport.com/disneynews/050502disneyland50thanniversaryhappiesthomecomingonearth.html
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/business/orl-bizclarke04050405may04,1,5623494.column?coll=orl-business-headlines&ctrack=2&cset=true

Play games online
http://www.playnestegg.com/
http://www.leedungarees.com/games/hangman/
http://www.buddyleerocks.com/crowdcontrol/crowd_control.html
http://www.lookandfeel.com/portfolio/games/pantsofchance/
http://www.123games.dk/game/puzzle/rainman/rainman_eng.htm

List of weird town names
http://amusingfacts.com/weirdtowns/

You've heard of shareware, now comes "toyware". You
can use these fonts free for non commercial purposes,
but for commercial use, payment must be made in the
form of either a toy or (to make it easier) an item from
his Amazon wishlist.
http://www.robotjohnny.com/fonts/

A resource for the lovers of mystery, suspense, and
intrigue books. They have hundreds of authors, with
complete, chronological lists of their books, and links
to other mystery, fantasy, and sci fi sites.
http://www.stopyourekillingme.com/index.html

Smallest, Coolest Apartment Contest
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/main/archives/cat_all_smallest_coolest_apartments.html

Award winning liberal politics blog with links to more
http://www.bigbrassblog.com/

One of my favorite authors with her sleuth Goldy Schultz
who is a caterer by trade and finds herself all to often right
in the middle of a mess (not the cooking kind). She solves
the mystery and provides some great recipes in every book.
Some "test" recipes are available if you join her cooking club.
http://www.dianemottdavidson.com/about.html

"Best selling author and illustrator Trevor Romain sees
himself as Monty Python meets Dr. Seuss at Jerry
Seinfeld's house in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood."
http://www.trevorromain.com/

However his blog is more of the day to day drawings
and musings on life and those around him including his
14 year old writing partner who is dying of cancer.
http://www.trevorromain.com/blog/

The doodles and comments of a web designer
http://www.ultramicroscopic.com/index.html

Rather a profound entry for a blog
http://www.tumbledry.org/archives/issue/435/
and here
http://www.tumbledry.org/inspiration/

These folks are after my own heart and describe
their blog as "an eclectic collection of links on a
universe of subjects. . . a scrapbook of things we
find interesting." And I love the title!
http://spaces.msn.com/members/anyfoolcanblog/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When you think about it, attention deficit disorder makes
a lot of sense. There isn't a whole lot worth paying
attention to in this country." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I suppose it would be nice if reincarnation were a reality,
but I have problems with the math. At some point,
originally, there must have been a time when there were
only two human beings. They both died, and presumably
their souls were reincarnated into two other bodies. But
that still leaves us with only two souls. We now have
nearly six billion people on the planet. Where are all the
extra souls coming from? Is someone printing up souls?
Wouldn't that tend to lower their value?"
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Short History of Medicine
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this
potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore.
Here, eat this root.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dictionary for Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that
occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized
it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally
becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries,
washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the
onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything
up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short
so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in
a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36
hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and
say "focus, ...breath...push..."

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed
to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a
convenience store to go with a half pound bag of
peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a
football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall,
occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half
an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to
create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black
hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime
soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance
the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only
a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning,
"to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun
meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient
for dating, marriage and children.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. It
comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come
off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you
have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and
romance, but consider yourself lucky to get card.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Real Definitions

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's
to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries
to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put
together kitchen cabinets

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when
his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians

Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the
top of the Eiffel Tower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from
in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring

Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store
does

Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works
on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a
government official

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush,
a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful
looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the
train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable
sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel,
Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch
me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat
lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his
hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde
and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon
so I can smack Clinton again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in
one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically.
"Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready
in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather
than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit
is still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music
Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,
obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten
minutes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went
to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad
said that men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have
to parallel park?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a Mama lion, a Daddy lion & a Baby lion. The
mama lion & the daddy lion were having a lot of fights so
they decided to get a divorce. The lion family goes in front
of a judge to decide custody of the baby lion.

The judge asks the baby lion "Do you wanna live with mama
lion?"

The baby lion answers "No, mama lion beats me."

The judge said "Alright, do you wanna live with daddy lion?"

The baby lion answers "No, daddy lion beats me worse."

The judge asks "who do you wanna live with then?"

The baby answers "The Detroit Lions, they don't beat
anybody."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Tech Support Fee Schedule

Calling me with a question --- $10

Calling me with a stupid question -- $20

Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite
articulate - $30

Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret
your inarticulate problem description - $1000 +
punitive damages

Questions received via phone without first trying help
desk - $10.00

Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00

Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it
once - $100

Insisting that you're not breaking the software, that the
problem is on my end somehow - $200

Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the
problem - $5/step

Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem -
$50/mile + gas

If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix
somebody else's problem - $45/hr

If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr

If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr

If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that
I'm currently working on - $70/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you just
yesterday - $75/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed
yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr

If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that
didn't work - $95/hr

If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the
room who could have done it for you - $150/hr

Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then
leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500

Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office
is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being
there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in
the office knows anything about it. - $1700

Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE
mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500

Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to
do - $150.00

Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs
I told you not to do - $300.00

Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00

Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive
- $50.00

-- AFTER I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00

Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00

Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad
90 degrees - $35.00

Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00

Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge -
$35.00

Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button -
$250.00

Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk
back on - $200.00

Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet
transceiver back in - $375.00

Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the
SCSI cord someone accidentially yanked out on Friday
afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two
week vacation - $400

Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by
plugging the monitor lead back in - $50

Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you
don't have an account there - $10

Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine
you used to have an account on because you used it to try
to break into the above server - $500

Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your
index finger - $25

Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50

Installing programs without informing me /getting permission
first - $100 per program

Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour
(regardless of whether I know the program or not)

Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard

Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor

Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap
plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the
system

Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file
is left unclaimed

Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities
v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200

Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25

Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog
through NYC streets - $50

Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem
is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to
hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up
on my screen was telling me to do!" - $400

Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you
check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing
yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug
type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish,
"Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)

Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated
software - $25

Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously
pirated software]? Mine just died." requests - $45

Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk
to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the
box in which you bought it?" line - $55

Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you
failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95

Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface
larger than 18 points - $15

If I wrote the sign - $45

If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor
facing the door - $75

Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets
to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/
Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00

Reporting it more than once - $50.00

Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on
tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00

Beeper Prices:
Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $50

Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure
that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had
been run on all machines before I left - $100

Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's
offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200

Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per
beep

Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first
5 seconds - $25

Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you
placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the
problem - $500

Special Rates:

Dealing with user body odor - $75.00/hour

Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language
spoken at site - $50.00/hour

Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than
you are, but still calls every other day for help -
$100.00/hour

Dealing with computer hobbyists - $125.00/hour

Questioning the other prices -- $50

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for these 30 Lines to Make you Smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-
spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be
When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries
With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already
taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're
paying for. ~~Will Rogers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!

A teacher asked her third grade class, "What do you want
out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I
want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom
always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals
would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the
garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A priest is walking down the street one day when he
notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a
house across the street. However, the boy is very small
and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across
the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his
hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and firmly
rings the doorbell.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This will warm your heart.

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone
who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida,
forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the
lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This
story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you
know who might need a lift today:

"Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
Safety HarborAssisted Home for the Aged. All of my family
has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know
that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your
kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but
before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers,
even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off
the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful
and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine,
and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these:

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg.
We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
" If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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