Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 43
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 43 October 31, 2005
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I hope you all got your clocks changed. I always wonder
why we do this. The answer and more exhibits on time:
http://nist.time.gov/exhibits.html
Now if you are in a science mood try the why files
http://whyfiles.org/
Be on the lookout for a new unnamed worm. "In addition
to the "lockx.exe" rootkit file, the new worm delivers a
version of the Sdbot Trojan horse which opens a backdoor
on the infected PC. The worm also places several spyware
and adware applications, including 180Solutions, Zango,
the Freepod Toolbar, MaxSearch, Media Gateway and
SearchMiracle. All that unwanted software can eat up
system resources, slowing down a PC. Also, the malicious
applications will attempt to disable security programs
and change the search page on the user's Web browser."
http://news.com.com/AIM+worm+plays+nasty+new+trick/2100-7349_3-5920403.html?tag=nefd.top
Halloween on State Street in Madison made National news
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051030/ap_on_re_us/halloween_arrests_2
In depth from Time magazine, the Libby indictment. . .
the theory of the case:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/printout/0,8816,1124343,00.html
Thanks to Erin for link to the Coors light challenge
http://www.coorslight.com/iceswipe/
Try this one too:
http://www.monsteroutreach.com/
Here is a Halloween Message from Erin
(Click on “Halloween” and then after it loads, be sure to
click on 'STOMP')
http://minibytes.mondominishows.com/poo/affiliates/play.asp?Affil=iwon&W
A real ghost story from the NY Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/30/realestate/30ghost.html?th&emc=th
I had to chuckle when I saw the 20 rules of Halloween:
http://www.wtv-zone.com/hoko/hallorules.html
If the kids are still in the Halloween spirit Ben & Jerry has
lots of fun for them: creepy crafts, coloring
http://www.benjerry.com/halloween/
Even Halloween Games for the kids
http://www.benjerry.com/fun_stuff/holidays/halloween/games/index.cfm
Sheila sent these Halloween games from MSN
http://zone.msn.com/en/root/category.htm?ln=en&origin=pindex_cat_u&code=110050893&genre=New&innerHeight=1265
Really, really, REALLY bad costumes
http://www.retrocrush.com/costumes/
Dr Elmo sings Halloween Heebie Jeebies
http://drelmo.com/ecards/halloween/index.html
How to see a ghost
http://encarta.msn.com/column_ghostmain_marthahome/How_to_See_a_Ghost.html
Spooky Games for Halloween
http://zone.msn.com/en/general/article/genhalloween05
MSN Halloween Guide
http://special.msn.com/network/05hauntedholiday.armx
Halloween Blog
http://allhalloween.blogspot.com/
More Halloween trivia
1864 Nevada admitted as 36th state
Notables who passed away on Halloween
1926: Erich Weiss better known as Harry Houdini
1984: Indira Gandhi was assinated by two of her Sikh
bodyguards
1987: Joseph Campbell died at 83
1988: John Houseman the actor made his final bow
1991: Joseph Papp Broadway producer joined the great
Chorus Line in the Sky
1993: Federico Fellini became truly immortal
Many experts believe the druids were the first to observe
Halloween. Dating back to 700 B.C., they celebrated the
festival of Samhain (the end of the harvest and a time to
honor the dead) on November 1. In the ensuing years,
the night before became known as the Eve of All Hallows,
a.k.a. Hallow Even, a.k.a. Hallow e'en.
Orange and black are Halloween colors because orange is
associated with the Fall harvest and black is associated
with darkness and death.
Black cats have long been believed to be a supernatural
omen since the witch hunts of the middle ages when cats
were thought to be connected to evil. Since then, it is
considered bad luck if a black cat crosses your path.
Some so-called vampire bats do drink blood, but they're
not from Transylvania. They live in Central and South
America and feed on cattle, horses, and birds.
Ever wonder how trick-or-treating got started? On the
evening before Samhain, people left food on their door-
steps to keep hungry spirits from entering the house.
Festivalgoers started dressing in ghost, witch, and
goblin costumes so wandering spirits would leave them
alone. To this day, these are popular costumes.
Jack O Lanterns originated in Ireland where people
placed candles in hollowed-out turnips to keep away
spirits and ghosts on the Samhain holiday.
In the days before the gallows, criminals were hung
from the top rung of a ladder and their spirits were
believed to linger underneath. Common folklore has
it to be bad luck to walk beneath an open ladder and
pass through the triangle of evil ghosts and spirits.
Halloween candy sales average about 2 billion dollars
annually in the United States.
In 1962, the Count Dracula Society was founded.
"Halloween" was made in only 21 days in 1978 on a very
limited budget.
If you are not totally sick of Halloween by now you may
just want to consider:
STAYING AT A HAUNTED HOTEL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Halloween is for kids of all ages. A quick spin through the
cable channels at this time of year is almost guaranteed
to turn up at least one show at any given time dedicated
to ghosts, monsters or spooky things that go ooooooo or
bump in the night. It's fun, and travelers are no exception.
Luckily, the world is filled with haunted hotels, mansions
and bed and breakfasts. The hotel expert for About.com
(http://hotels.about.com)/,
recently published tips for staying overnight in places
where some guests apparently never checked out.
Here they are:
http://hotels.about.com/cs/hauntedhotels/a/hauntedhotel.htm
Bring a camera
Photos of hotel lobbies, halls and guest rooms sometimes
end up filled with little floating crystal balls known as
"orbs" or other spooky effects.
If you're interested in spending a night sleeping with
spooky creatures, here is a list of the Top 10 haunted
hotels in the United States:
1) Myrtles Plantation
This plantation in Francisville, Louisiana, is known as
"One of America's most haunted." According to rumor
this plantation was built atop an ancient Indian burial
ground just like the movie "Poltergeist." But who needs
that as a reason when ten murders have been committed
in the same rooms where hotel guests now linger? There
is debate as to the veracity of the total but no doubt its
haunted by more than one spirit according to the staff.
http://www.myrtlesplantation.com/
2) Queen Mary Hotel
This former cruise ship-turned-hotel in Long Beach, CA,
celebrates its past with special haunted events, tours,
and an "experience" that recreates some of the scarier
moments in its history. Despite all the hype, this ship
has more than its share of unexplained phenomenon,
and is one of the most haunted hotels on record.
http://www.queenmary.com/
3) Hotel Del Coronado
Paranormal investigators detected more than 37 abnormal
readings in one particular guest room in a single day. The
hotel is thought to be haunted by Kate Morgan, a young
girl who died near the hotel a century ago.
http://www.hoteldel.com/
4) Crescent Hotel
Guests have reported sightings and other odd happenings in
a number of guest rooms, the lobby, and the dining room of
this historic and haunted Eureka Springs, Arkansas hotel.
http://www.crescent-hotel.com/
5) Stanley Hotel
This haunted hotel in Estes, Colorado, inspired Steven King
to write "The Shining" while he stayed in room 217, but it is
room 418 that reports the most ghostly activity.
http://www.stanleyhotel.com/
6) Le Pavilion Hotel
This haunted hotel in downtown New Orleans hired paranormal
investigators, who identified four separate ghosts in the hotel.
http://www.lepavillon.com/
7) Heathman Hotel
This haunted hotel is in Portland, Oregon. Guests staying in
one of the column of rooms that end in "03" (especially room
703) have reported odd events.
http://www.heathmanhotel.com/
8) Ramada Plaza Hotel
This haunted hotel in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, is built in an
interesting spot. The underground tunnels used by Chicago
gangsters to make their escapes ended in the hotel's basement.
The hotel's numerous unexplained phenomenon have been
well-documented by the staff.
http://www.ramadafdl.com/
9) Carolina Inn
Paranormal investigators visited this haunted hotel in
Chapel Hill, North Carolina and collected audio and video
recordings of a particular room on the second floor.
http://www.carolinainn.com/
10) Sagamore Hotel
This hotel in Bolton Landing, New York, is said to be home
to several spirits, including a little boy on the golf course, a
couple in the dining room and a mysterious lady in white.
http://www.thesagamore.com/
For more haunted hotels:
http://hotels.about.com/cs/hauntedhotelsaz/index.htm
http://www.historichotels.org/catalog/Vacations_and_Leisure/Haunted_Historic_Hotels.htm
More haunted history
http://www.prairieghosts.com/haunt_history.html
Great info site for mystery readers
http://www.stopyourekillingme.com/whats-new.html
This was pretty odd in NYC too
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/29/nyregion/29smell.html
Thanks to Mike for this amusing bit of fantasy
http://context.themoscowtimes.com/story/157173/
I know its late in the season for most of us to be grilling
but you can try this in the oven too. From an unlikely
source, an unusual way to roast a bird:
http://www.ghostories.com/brewbird.htm
Stressed out? Try a Kitten Break:
http://kittenbreak.com/
Or the Useless Information Page
http://home.nycap.rr.com/useless/index.html
This is a funny collection of things kids believe.
http://www.iusedtobelieve.com/
Video skit All Franken litteraly attacking a right winger
http://wm.amazon.usa.speedera.net/wm.amazon.usa/books/AMAZON_V6_crop_100k.wmv
On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jokes for the kids:
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves.
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with.
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein.
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts...
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a
person's corn flakes? A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...
What does the papa ghost say to his family when
driving? Fasten your sheet belts...
What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...
What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street
Journal? He heard it had great circulation...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.
Here stands Little Johnny plain but well dressed
who says, "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the Johnny what he's dressed up like
for Halloween.
Little Johnny says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he
takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't
say Thank You.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Half our life is spent trying to find something to
dowith the time we have rushed through life trying
to save." ~~ Will Rogers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried
anything new." ~~ Albert Einstein
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. "
~~ Albert Einstein
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called
research, would it?" ~~ Albert Einstein
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there
are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The road to success is always under construction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever
spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A new Rocky movie is being made - Rocky VI. During
the filming, Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 years old. The
movie isn't going to be too exciting. The fight scene in the
movie ...he goes 15 rounds with Regis."
~~ David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious
quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus this
cup is expensive!'" ~~ Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff said that he
wants to expel all illegal immigrants from the United
States. Which would reduce the population of L A
to 142 people." ~~ Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for these political quotes:
At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is
still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove
of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail.
No, I'm sorry, that's President Bush." ~~ Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein's trial started yesterday, were you
folks aware of that? In court he was stubborn and he
was defiant. Stubborn and defiant in insisting that he's
still the president. You know, sorta like Bush."
~~ David Letterman
"Saddam Hussein's trial began today, and during the
proceedings, Saddam refused to identify himself.
Luckily, everyone recognized him from that time he
ran the country for 25 years. The trial was televised
live throughout Iraq. Yeah, Iraqis were glued to their
TV sets, mainly because years ago, Saddam had them
glued to their TV sets." ~~ Conan O'Brien
"Saddam's trial, the TV event of the year. It's like the
Oscars, but with atrocities." ~~ Stephen Colbert
"Saddam Hussein went on trial today. See, I didn't
even know he worked in the Bush White House."
~~ Jay Leno
"There are rumors circulating that because of the CIA
leak investigation, Vice President Dick Cheney would
resign and Condoleezza Rice will take his place. Due to
the complex nature of the arrangement, it had to be
explained to the President using puppets." ~~ Jay Leno
"As you know, President Bush's approval rating at its
lowest number ever. It's gotten so bad that even Harriet
Miers is refusing to take his phone calls." ~~ Jay Leno
"Give you an idea about how bad George Bush's approval
rating is, more people approve of the job I'm doing. And
you know, Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, this is
a strange, fascinating woman. This woman refuses to talk
about herself. Will not talk about herself, and I'm thinking
to myself, hell, where do I find a woman like that?"
~~ David Letterman
"US News and World Report put out a breaking news
flash that rumors are flying Vice President Dick Cheney
might resign. Who's going to be president now?"
~~ Jay Leno
"The results from the Iraqi election are coming in and
the Sunnis are claiming that the election was rigged. So
looks like they got an American-style democracy after all."
~~ David Letterman
"You know Saddam Hussein goes on trial tomorrow, he's
on trial. He's accused of 143 murders. But Saddam did get
a break today when the prosecution dropped the two
counts of stealing satellite TV." ~~ David Letterman
"Saddam is the first ruthless cold blooded dictator to be
on trial since. . . that's right, Martha Stewart."
~~ David Letterman
"Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff announced
he planned to expel every illegal immigrant in the United
States. Boy, more bad news for the New York Yankees."
~~ Jay Leno
"Over the weekend in Iraq, they arrested the Al Qaeda
barber. That's right. That's not like a nickname, he was
actually the barber. It's an enormous breakthrough, and
now we have a lead on Osama bin Laden's aromatherapist."
~~ David Letterman
"Here's a reminder to Iraq: The crooked voting machines
are due back in Florida by Friday." ~~ David Letterman
"Over the weekend at one of the games, Houston and St.
Louis, one of the camera men caught former President
Bush and his wife Barbara Bush kissing. You know, by
God, you know you're at a dull game when you'd rather
make out with Barbara Bush." ~~ David Letterman
"Karl Rove testified in front of the grand jury for the
fourth time. This is the fourth time in front of the grand
jury. In fact this time he had to give his testimony
standing up. See the first three times he lied his ass off,
so he had to stand up." ~~ Jay Leno
"According to the latest polls, just 39% of Americans
approve of the job Bush is doing. The White House is
jumping on this 39% thing, they're saying he's now the
president who represents minorities." ~~ Jay Leno
"For a contribution of $2500 you can sit next to Hillary
Clinton at a U2 concert. What could be more fun than
going to a rock concert with Hillary Clinton, except
maybe going to a disco with Al Gore." ~~ Jay Leno
"The first baby has been born in New Orleans after
Hurricane Katrina. Yeah, they named it FEMA because
it finally showed up after nine months." ~~ Jay Leno
"President Bush has declared a War on Pornography.
Boy, I can't wait for those playing cards to come out. Hey,
I got the Queen of Spades!" ~~ Jay Leno
"We are divided between those who think with their heads
and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet
Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her
nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he
thought about his selection. He said this: "I know her heart."
Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have
to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers." ~~ Stephen
Colbert, "The Colbert Report"
"For all the talk about 'Desperate Housewives' and 'Lost,'
I still say the White House is the best scripted drama on
television. That new show 'Commander in Chief?' Total
ripoff. Move over, Geena Davis. This time a man will still
be President. ... For me and my fellow White House fans,
or 'Whities,' it isn't just a show. I mean, we live or die with
these characters. Like on season three, when the President,
George W. Bush, a competitive ex-alcoholic with a Texas
twang lands a jet on an aircraft carrier and yells 'Mission
Accomplished,' that's great TV!"
~~ Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry
"As if they don't have enough troubles at the White House.
They tried to have a live conversation with the troops
yesterday. Troops in Iraq on satellite, Bush at the White
House, it was supposed to look like an impromptu Q and
A. Well it turned out it was so scripted, the troops were
rehearsed down to the way they would read their lines.
Boy that's the Bush military for you. No gays but plenty
of choreographers." ~~ Bill Maher
"The White House adamantly denied the troops had been
rehearsed. Scott McClellan said, 'No script, no plan. Just
like everything else we do in Iraq.'" ~~ Bill Maher
"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is
down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse.
In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible
for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According
to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African
Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent.
You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and
Clarence Thomas." ~~ Jay Leno
"You know what you call a Republican with only 2 percent
of the black vote? A Republican." ~~ Jay Leno
"Former Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards has
taken a job on Wall Street. He's with a prestigious private
investment firm on Wall Street. Remember him, John
Edwards? He's the guy always talking about two Americas?
Well, I guess we know which America he picked." ~~ Jay Leno
"Ted Kennedy said even if Hillary Clinton runs for president,
he will still support John Kerry for the Democratic nomination
in 2008. Ted Kennedy backing John Kerry -- you know what
they say, two giant heads are better than one." ~~ Jay Leno
"Important weekend this weekend, Iraqi citizens will vote
to approve their new constitution. Yeah, it's important
because if they vote to reject the constitution, the country
could erupt in violence. If they vote to approve the
constitution, the country could erupt in violence."
~~ Conan O'Brien
"Well, you can sure tell it's fall. Down in Washington, D.C.
yesterday, Tom DeLay was in his front yard raking
indictments." ~~ David Letterman
"North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down.
Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could now be
replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill." ~~ David Letterman
"The Million Man March was 10 years ago, and tomorrow,
they're going to do it again. By tomorrow, there may be a
million black men down the road from the White House.
And Bush thought Cindy Sheehan was scary." ~~ Bill Maher
"No, the president not doing well. His approval rating
among blacks is at 2%. That's somewhere between Mark
Fuhrman and Sickle Cell Anemia." ~~ Bill Maher
"Pakistan had one of the worst natural disasters ever, up
to 50,000 people dead after an earthquake this week. But
of course it's not a resort, no supermodels like the tsunami,
so it doesn't really get covered. But other nations are trying
to help. They've offered food, medicine, corpse-sniffing dogs.
New Orleans sent a volunteer team of cops to beat the crap
out of survivors." ~~ Bill Maher
"You know I love New Orleans, they're vowing to hold
Mardi Gras this year come hell or -- no pun -- high water.
This is interesting, they've always had a Mardi Gras drink
called the Hurricane. They're not going to serve that this
year, but they've got a new one called the FEMA. It's strong,
it hits you about a week later." ~~ Bill Maher
"President Bush is getting a lot of grief from conservatives
about Harriet Miers' lack of legal opinions. Which is kind of
surprising, a woman without any opinions? That's like a
Republican's dream, isn't it?" ~~ Jay Leno
"According to the latest poll, only 2% of African Americans
think Bush is doing a good job. Yeah, the number would
have been higher, but Condoleezza Rice has a very small
family." ~~ Conan O'Brien
"It was raining so hard down in Washington, D.C., Tom
DeLay didn't even have to launder his money."
~~ David Letterman
"In speech earlier this at Harvard, Bill Clinton said he has
no idea if Hillary will run for president. But he says if he
ever sees her again he'll certainly ask." ~~ Jay Leno
"Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers told the New York
Times that George Bush was the most brilliant man she
ever met, which is kind of scary. She only has one known
opinion, and that's it." ~~ Jay Leno
"This is what we know about Miers. She's never been
married, and she has no known boyfriend. In fact, today
President Bush announced a very ambitious plan to put
a man on Miers by the year 2010." ~~ Jay Leno
"The latest approval ratings are out, not good for President
Bush. His ratings are now two points below the Bird Flu."
~~ Jay Leno
"In a scathing new book, former FBI chief Louis Freeh
criticizes former President Clinton's moral compass. You
all remember President Clinton's moral compass, don't
you? I believe his moral compass was always pointing
north." ~~ Jay Leno
"Last night was the Clintons 30th wedding anniversary.
You know what keeps them together -- spite." ~~ Jay Leno
"President Bush and the first lady were on the Today
Show building a house for Katrina victims. And before
they started building, they gave Bush a set of plans, and
he asked if he could keep them because, you know, he's
never had a set of plans." ~~ Jay Leno
"President Bush is taking more liberal positions. For
example global warming. He used to be against it. Now
it's the Republican plan for heating homes this winter."
~~ Jay Leno
"China has launched two guys into space, were you
aware of that? Like this week, two guys from China are
flying around in space. Their mission is to visit every
planet and leave take out menus. President Bush, who
has been accused of lying down on the job, he's not taking
these Chinese men in space lightly. In response, President
Bush announced a plan to put a man on Harriet Miers."
~~ David Letterman
"Newsweek reports that President Bush likes Harriet
Miers because she didn't go to an Ivy League school, she
worked hard, and she achieved everything on her own
without family help. See, opposites attract" ~~ Jay Leno
"The latest rumor is, she has so few supporters that her
nomination will be withdrawn. They think Bush may have
to go to the woman who has had more courtroom experience.
You know, like Courtney Love." ~~ Jay Leno
"Harriet Miers told the New York Times that President
Bush is the smartest man she's ever met, and Dick
Cheney's the best athlete she's ever seen." ~~ Jay Leno
"The White House is denying a report from the BBC that
President Bush said God told him to invade Iraq. President
Bush said that's not true. I invaded Iraq because Batman
told me to" ~~ Conan O'Brien
"As you know, there's terrible flooding in New Hampshire.
Give you an idea of how white New Hampshire is, FEMA
got there in a minute and a half." ~~ Jay Leno
"Pat Robertson now says all these earthquakes and
hurricanes we've been having are indications of the second
coming. To which President Bush said why would Santa
Claus be coming on Halloween?" ~~ Jay Leno
"I don't know if you've heard this. Earlier, President Bush
has promised to rebuild the Yankees at all costs."
~~ David Letterman
"Yeah, the Yankees didn't look that good last night.
Harriet Miers watched the games and said, and they
call me unqualified." ~~ David Letterman
"Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton was inducted into
the Women's Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, she's still
not in Bill Clinton's Women's Hall of Fame. Not even
in the top ten" ~~ Jay Leno
"President Bush's top adviser, Karl Rove will soon be
testifying for the fourth time before a grand jury at the
federal courthouse in Washington this week. President
Bush's Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers is just
fascinated by all this. She asked Rove, 'What goes on in
those federal court houses anyway?'" ~~ Jay Leno
"We don't know a lot about this Harriet Miers, but she
said George Bush was the most brilliant man she ever
met. You know, this chick has got to meet more guys."
~~ Jay Leno
"This Harriet Miers pick for the Supreme Court is
turning out to be the most controversial pick involving
the Supreme Court since...George Bush. "
~~ David Letterman
"More news on that spy they arrested who was working
in Vice President Dick Cheney's office. Turns out he
started working at the White House during the Clinton
administration. Well, duh. Where do you think he learned
how to sneak around without getting caught?" ~~ Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Thanks to Mike for these too:
http://www.yucs.org/~ephraim/bushlip/
http://www.satirium.com/pages/vol6/bushphotos.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also from Mike THE RELIGIONS:
Taoism: shit happens
Hinduism: this shit happened before
Confucianism: Confucius say: shit happens
Buddhism: it is only the illusion of shit happening
Zen: what is the sound of shit happening?
Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock, "Shit happens."
Atheism: there is no such thing as shit
Agnosticism: maybe shit happens, maybe not
Protestantism: shit won't happen if I work harder
Catholicism: if shit happens, I deserve it
Judaism: why does shit always happen to me?
Televangelism: send money or shit will happen to you
Rastafarian: smoke that shit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."
The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my sister for this one:
!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!
Research on bread indicates that:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in
the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women
died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever,
and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has
been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used
to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread
than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived
of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after
as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
"harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human
body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating
bread could lead to your body being taken over by this
absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than
one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to
distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless
statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed
that the following bread restrictions be made:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete
celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors
(which may appeal to children) may be used to promote
bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after
consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his
canteen was empty. (seriously :P )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Anita for this one:
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an
Accountant, the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and the
fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do
your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out
some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,
and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the
Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat
and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went
out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said
his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from
the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass
without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three
men turned to the Government Employee and said,
"What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,
"CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to
his feet,,,,,,,,,,, ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, drank the
milk,,,,,,,,, pooped on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, claimed
he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,
put in for Workers Compensation..............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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posted by Bluesbaby at 11:21 AM
