Fun on the Web vol 6 Issue 16

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 16 July 23, 2007

Well the long awaited final chapters in the Harry Potter
series were finally made public and the next two links
deal with the book so don't peak if you think it will spoil
it for you. Of course if you have already read it. . .read on.

Review from the NYTimes
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/18/books/18cnd-potter.html

What fun
http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/article2112840.ece

What to do if your identity or wallet are stolen? Before and
after tips are here on Not Martha
http://www.notmartha.org/archives/2007/07/04/stop-thief/#more-2134

Wondering about Linked In or Facebook? Here is a great
description with examples:
http://ziffdavisitlink.leveragesoftware.com/blog_post_view.aspx?BlogPostID=bece013c223d4ef5ad0334ebd7350ede

Great Video http://baynhamtyers.com/index.html?http://baynhamtyers.com/Services/Business_Image/image_viral_frameset.html?http://baynhamtyers.com/contraptionII.html http://www.boingboing.net/2007/06/26/index.html

PC World announces their picks for 100 Best Websites http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,133119-page,2-c,sites/article.html

Does anyone know of any WI equivalent?http://www.reuters.com/article/inDepthNews/idUSN0530157720070619
New age town embraces dollar alternative

"a conservative encyclopedia you can trust."??? That
remains to be seen
http://www.conservapedia.com/

Thanks to Mike for sending me to this interesting writer:
http://www.violentacres.com/most-popular-posts

Spooky
http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/mindread/psychicSparkle2.swf

More Sudoku - this is a free program
http://komando.com/downloads/category.aspx?id=2307

More games
http://www.miniclip.com/games/en/webmaster-games.php

Do you save points?
http://www.pointmaven.com/

or Miles use these sites to get the most out of them
http://www.milemaven.com/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you
don't play, you can't win. ~~ Robert Heinlein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd
have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled
for very little. - George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patience is passion tamed. ~~ Lyman Abbott

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of
old age, but they die young. ~~ A.W. Pinero

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anything too stupid to be said is sung. - Voltaire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.
- George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Points to Ponder

Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

"Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless
acts of self-control."

Does killing time damage eternity?

All the world's a stage, and I missed rehearsal.

Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed!

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

RAM Disk is not an installation procedure.

All Wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.

'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can
cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop
licking, the frog gets depressed again.

If we all are here to help others, then what exactly are
others here for?

Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.

Next time someone asks,'Did you sleep well?' answer them
with your most sincere 'No, I made a couple of mistakes.'
and watch their reaction.'

If a tin whistle is made out of tin, then what, exactly, is a fog
horn made out of?

If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops
up the next Kleenex in the box?

I have to stop now. My fingers are getting hoarse!

If I save time, when do I get it back?

May I please be excused? My Brain is full.

My family coat of arms ties at the back.....is that normal?

My other computer is an abacus.

Whadya mean my grandparents didn't have any kids!?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This blonde and her girlfriend were talking about the usual
thing blondes and their girlfriends talk about over a latte at
Starbuck's.

"My boyfriend just has the most awful dandruff," confided
the blonde.

"Have you ever given him Head and Shoulders?," her
empathetic gal friend asked earnestly.

"MMMMmmmmmmmmmm," the blonde pondered.

"How do you give shoulders?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coach's Instructions - A must read for Grandparents. Those
who aren't will love it, too.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-
old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what
cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or
lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out
is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or
call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so
another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship
to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all
that to your grandmother".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these:

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In

Victoria's Secret:

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?

#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

#7 Mom will love this.

#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

#4 Will you model this for me???

#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

And the number one thing that a man should never,
ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

#1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your ass into that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let there be lightning
A bolt of lightning blew the hand and part of a foot off a
marble statue hundreds worship every Sunday at a
Catholic summer camp for orphans in Golden, Colorado.
Thankfully, the organization that runs the camp has
insurance for the valuable statute - which was brought
from Italy to the US by a Saint in 1954...

But ironically, the policy may not cover damage from "acts
of God." The camp's Sisters are taking donations to help
repair the damage until insurance officials can make the
determination. Whether the strike was punishment from
The Almighty for un-absolved sins of camp attendees or
staff may never be known.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lettuce not be victims Bravo to Briton George Smith, the
82-year-old pensioner who really used his "head" to foil a
gun-toting store robber. The WWII veteran octogenarian
belted the would-be bandit twice in the face - with an iceberg
lettuce he grabbed off the shelf!

Dazed by the vegetable barrage, the shotgun-wielding thief
fled the scene, escaping British police - on a bicycle! According
to The Sun UK, he is believed to be the same crook who
made off with £1000 in one of 3 earlier robberies with the
same MO. Hmmm. Four attempted robberies by a man
carrying a shotgun and riding a BIKE. No arrests. Gotta
love that British SWAT response...

The man in the un-ironed mask
Only in West Virginia. According to an Associated Press article
from May 10, a thief armed only with one of those cigarette
lighters that looks like a derringer tried to rob a convenience
store in the Mountain State town of Inwood... He didn't get
away with any money because the clerk behind the counter
thought the robbery attempt was a joke - but NOT because
of the obviously fake lighter-gun. It's because the robber
was wearing a pair of light blue women's panties on his head
as a mask!

Police apprehended a suspect a short time later in a vehicle
matching the car the "masked" man drove off in. Whether
or not they made him stand in a lineup with the panties on
his head is unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates

Fun on the Web vol 6 Issue 15

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 15 July 1, 2007

What happened to June? I blinked and it was over. Or maybe
I was in a trance. Who knows?

What is the Right Wing up to now?
http://www.rightwingwatch.org/

Find cheap gas with your cell phone
http://www.getmobio.com/

Just in case you missed stopping to smell the roses in June
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ny/planttherapy/planttherapy-june-is-the-month-of-roses-025558

For more check out Googles Image Gallery
http://images.google.com/images?q=roses&hl=en&um=1&sa=X&oi=images&ct=title

Good Grief! Captain America died. Now what will we do?
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070701/D8Q3O5CO0.html

Tips for parents of small kids
http://www.momready.com/articles/index.asp?Category=Tips

Since its summer try some quick and easy meals
http://recipes.bhg.com/recipes/mealideas/searchResults.jsp?searchTerm=9&searchType=theme

Age discrimination blog here
http://agediscrimination.blogspot.com/

Grumblebum - Free programs, useful sites, hints and tips
to reduce those grumbles!
http://www.grumblebum.net/

Create, edit and access files from anywhere over the Web
http://www.thinkfree.com/common/main.tfo

Professor Stephen Hawkings website
http://hawking.org.uk/

Its the time of the year for outdoor events and you may
need to bring an item. Check out this fruit bouquet!
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Fruit-Bouquet

Makeup reviews
http://www.makeupalley.com/

Welcome to the universe of Caricature Zone.
http://www.magixl.com/heads/index.html

Just in time for potato salad season
http://www.wikihow.com/Peel-an-Egg-Quickly
http://www.wikihow.com/Peel-a-Boiled-Potato

Lots and lots of trivia
http://www.funtrivia.com/

Amazing collection of gifs for posting to forums, My Space,
or websites - its in a foreign language but just click to see
http://www.gify.nou.cz/index.htm

Great photos from PC World's Digital Focus Hot Shots for 2007
http://new.photos.yahoo.com/davejoh975/album/576460762342590023

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious
~~ Peter Ustinov

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it
with a club. ~~ Jack London

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is
constantly making exciting discoveries. ~~ AA Milne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
~~ Ethel Mumford

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I
gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take
more than one night.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~~ Henry Cate VII

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
~~ Tom Robbins

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute
powerlessness make you pure? ~~ Harry Shearer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to
get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up
his hand and George asks him his name."Stanley," responds
the little boy."And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without UN support?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2
of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh,
that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him
out and asks him his name. "Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without UN support?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2
of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The North and South

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-
on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first
names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay
out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y' all" is singular, "all yawl" is plural, and "all
y'all's" is plural possessive

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.
They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted

Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or
"big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-
influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer
proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this,"
you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the
last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at
the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need
anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own
shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas
taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush
green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we
will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens
in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN...

• Your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

• All of your friends have an @ in their names.

• You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
through Excite.

• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check
it again.

• Your phone bill is delivered in a box.

• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

• You forget what year it is.

• You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is
allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would
be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and
I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another
gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked
her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You
really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.

"NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE,
ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a
baby so he went before the congregation and asked
for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded,
so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and
the congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling
and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
"Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in
her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God,
but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1. There's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and
the owner is nowhere to be found?

2. You buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls,
and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine
answer?

3. There's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they
have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

4. You're reading a magazine and all those annoying
little subscription cards keep falling out?

5. You tell someone that a door is locked and they try
to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and
not you.

6. Someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and
then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

7. A friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!"
and then tells you to try some.

8. You have to inform five different sales people in
the same store that you're just looking around.

9. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom
doorknob to get out.

10. A waiter or waitress is not around at any time
other than right after you put food in your mouth.

11. Your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire
when all you want is a pressure reading.

12. The dog in your neighborhood that barks at
EVERYTHING.

13. The power goes out, and you discover every
flashlight you have has dead batteries.

14. Someone gets in the express lane at the
supermarket and writes a check.

15. The elevator stops at every floor and nobody
gets on.

16. You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files
but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and
you lose everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Barb for these:

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is
unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his
doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said,
he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a
flash with billowing blue\smoke. Then he says, "This
is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for
as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I
don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies:
"All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it
will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again
for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He
showers and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He
gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He
suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life
... just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who
had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did
you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you should never end a
sentence with a preposition.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64
charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a
mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became
indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she
was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money
back again ...same scenario! I departed the store with the
$46.64. This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd
and Parmer Lane................They Walk Among Us

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over
at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'

'They're already buy-one-get-one-free', she said, 'so I guess
they're both free' She handed me my free sandwiches and I
walked out the door..........They Walk Among Us

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends
when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?
...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate
agent which direction was north because, he explained, he
didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked,
'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained
that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with that stuff.'
.........................They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what
hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number
you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.'

He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting
to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'...........
They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to
cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps
it in the trunk................They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that
the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party,
we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount................They Walk
Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman
there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told
me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your
plane arrived yet?'..............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone
and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'...............
Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND They Reproduce, AND they VOTE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates