Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 16

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 16 April 25, 2005


Wow what a week! We had the market bouncing
up and down like a rubber ball, a new pope elected
without too much trouble, and the one lone person
finally convicted in a U.S. court for the devastation
of September 11, 2001:
http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/ns/news/story.jsp?id=2005042220140001362357&dt=20050422201400&w=APO&coview=

In honor of Earth Day:
Freecycle offers community-based forums where
people give (and get) stuff for, well, free.
http://www.freecycle.org

Under the category of they lied to us again (and got
caught) it's not as risky to be overweight as they
claimed all this time.
http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/nation/3142605

The week in pictures from the BBC:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/4473579.stm

Wynn to open his latest and greatest casino/resort
this week in Las Vegas:
http://www.lasvegassun.com/drudged/518626651.html

Did you ever wonder what plants are poisonous
to your cat? As spring is planting season it's
time to get a handle on that.
http://www.cfainc.org/articles/plants.html

WOW what great LEGO projects . . .
http://www.ericharshbarger.org/lego/index.html

Speaking of projects this site has interactive items
like lights (there were other items but they are not
working at this time) you can turn on or off. There
are also how to's but now he is renovating his new
house so there are multiple projects happening.
Check it out:
http://www.drivemeinsane.com

When I was a kid we did origami (the art of paper
folding). Here they have gone to new lengths with
Star Wars as the theme:
http://ftmax.com/Origami/

The most amazing collection of photos of cats dressed
up as motorcycle riders and cops, school children and
teachers, surfers, beatniks, and in both modern and
traditional clothes.
http://members.shaw.ca/pelorian/index.html

Speaking of photos, now that I as so many others have
switched to digital cameras, just where do you store all
your pics so you can keep shooting on the go?
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/14/technology/circuits/14pogue.html?ex=1116216000&en=52ec8cf4b392602e&ei=5087

While you are ther you might want to peruse the "how
to's" and "How does it work" section here:
http://tech.nytimes.com/pages/technology/howtos/index.html

Video and computer game music of yesterday
http://www.ocremix.org/

Some people are simply here on earth to make us laugh.
http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/

Fabulous masks made from cardboard
http://www.ericstraw.com/

Have you seen Mean Kitty? Don't miss the advice
column for Mean Kitty and her typing slave. . . hehehe.
http://www.meankitty.com

Dialtones is a large-scale concert performance (26 Min)
whose sounds are produced by the dialing and ringing
of the audience's own mobile phones. CD available and
samples are downloads.
http://www.flong.com/telesymphony/

I think I'd rather listen to BB King
http://www.worldblues.com/bbking/default.asp

Or Steve Cropper
http://www.playitsteve.com/

Buy and sell textbooks or other stuff (like DVDs, Music, or
Computers), find jobs and internships, look through profiles,
and communicate with students or staff at your campus or
campuses across the nation.
http://www.campusgrind.com/


I have included this guide to offbeat tourist attractions.
http://www.roadsideamerica.com
Mike found these tips on grilling ribs there:
1. Rub your baby back ribs with you favorite dry rub and let
stand at room temperature for 1/2 hour. After they sit you'll
notice the rub turns into a paste.
2. Meanwhile set your Weber gas grill to MOM (Medium, Off,
Medium). Temperature should run around 325 degrees.
3. Place a smoker box full of your favorite wood chips on the
back of the grill. If you don't have a smoker box you can use
heavy duty aluminum foil. Wrap up the chips and poke holes
in the foil. I only do one smoking.
4. Put your ribs on a rib rack and place it in the center of the
grill over indirect heat. CLOSE COVER AND TRY NOT TO
PEEK (this is impossible to do so try not to peek too often as
you'll let out the heat). Cook for 1 1/2 hours.
5. Remove from grill and place on aluminum foil. Brush the
ribs with your favorite BBQ sauce. Wrap in the foil and place
in a brown paper bag and close it up. Let them sit at room
temperature for 1/2 hour. Trust me this is very important.
6. Remove from the bag and foil (yes they are still hot) and
enjoy the best ribs you have ever had.


OR Light your coals, let them turn white, divide them in half,
pushing them as far to both sides of the grill as possible with
a shallow drip pan between the piles of coal; then put your
prepared ribs in the center of the grill between the piles of
coal, bone side down, put the cover on the grill, go mow the
lawn, drink a beer, prep your sides (about 2 hours).
(My note: I’m guessing at some point more charcoal must
be added) Rake the coals back to the center of the grill,
sauce and finish directly over heat.


MIDI conversions from scanned player piano rolls
produced in the golden era of player piano music. Includes
a description of the scanning process.
http://members.shaw.ca/smythe/rebirth.htm


Free games to play online
http://www.jotto.com/bubblesoap/playground.html

Does an author really need a big publisher? Maybe not
is the answer these days as self publishing becomes more
affordable and more accepted:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/24/books/review/24GLAZERL.html?ex=1114574400&en=4cd176a99467631f&ei=5070

Weblogs everywhere
http://cardhouse.com/links/links.htm

This Yahoo site of the week talks about the many
uses quonset huts have been put to since WWII:
http://www.polarinertia.com/may04/quonset01.htm

This weblog has many more great photos here:
http://www.polarinertia.com/

Continuing to be amazed by the depth of what is on the
web, this website offers a selection of descriptions (with
some pics) of manuscripts from this private collection.
The whole collection of about 13,500 manuscripts and
inscribed objects, reside in London and Oslo (but about
650 are available on the present website).
http://www.nb.no/baser/schoyen/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Waffle iron? Why on earth would you want to iron a
waffle? Wouldn't that just flatten out all the little squares?
No, I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of
course should always be ironed." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always
thought it was one of those things that would happen to
someone else." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Headlines From The Year 2050
*Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJR-
NabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly Charges
*50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
*Baby Conceived Naturally
*It Wasn't the Cigarettes -- It Was the Ashtrays
*Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums
Overcame Lurid Past With US President
*Florida to Be Readmitted to Union
*Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
*Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome
young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams.
*Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In DC
*Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
*Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife
*Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
*Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
*DC National Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
*Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day
since 2005 and third-straight triple-digit loss for the
Dow Jones Industrial average. On the bright side, your
Social Security money isn't in there yet." --Amy Poehler

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sounds like a Republican to me . . .

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he
saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor
fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking
all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The
grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later,
Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is
in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all-
powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does
it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you
idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An atheist became incensed over the display of Easter
and Passover items for sale and decided to contact his
lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists prior
to each holiday by merchants.

The case was brought before a wise judge who, after
listening to the long, passionate presentation of the
lawyer, promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case
dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood, objected to the ruling and
said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case?
Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many
other observances. And the Jews - why, in addition to
Passover, they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah - yet my
client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply stated,
"Obviously, your client is too confused to know about or to
celebrate the atheists' holiday!"

The lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such holiday
for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"

The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the
same date - April 1st!"

The fool says in his heart, "There is no God."
Psalm 14:1; Psalm 53:1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members
knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait
was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take
up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
a member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a
hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the
logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!!"
Y'all Hear......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some say a certain man (name of George) quit drinking
because of this incident...

Back in his party days, George got behind the wheel after
a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas.
He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost
face appeared in the window. George saw it and began
screaming at the top of his lungs.

He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in
the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110
mph but the face did not disappear. White hands gestured
for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to
do, he rolled it down slowly.

The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help
getting out of the mud?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done
everything, and the time had come to depart from this
world. After considering various methods of doing away
with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest
and surest method would be to shoot herself through the
heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly
where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked
him. He told her that her heart was located two inches
below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual
position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these
Scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE
have announced the discovery that affiliation with the
Republican Party is genetically determined. This has
caused uproar among traditionalists who believe it's a
chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political
conservatism, discovered after a decades-long study of
quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves
through the medical, political and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that
Republicans' unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently
unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional
family dynamics -- a remarkably high percentage of
Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers
and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them
how to be kind and gentle.

Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is
inherited. "After all," said one author of the NURTURE
article, "it's quite common for a Republican to have a
brother or sister who is a Republican." The finding has
been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of
Republicans (PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves
for the political views of otherwise lovable children, family
and unindicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped
her hands in ecstasy on hearing of the findings. "I just
knew it was genetic," she said, seated with her two sons,
both avowed Republicans. "My boys would never freely
choose that lifestyle!" When asked what the Republican
lifestyle was, she said, "You can just tell, watching their
conventions in Houston and San Diego on TV: the flaming
xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone
not rich, you know."

Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from
an early age but did not confirm it until they were in
college, when they became convinced it wasn't just a
phase they were going through.

The NURTURE article offered no response to the
suggestion that the high incidence of Republicanism
among siblings could result from their sharing not only
genes but also psychological and emotional attitudes as
products of the same parents and family dynamics.

A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to
having voted Republican at least once -- or often dream
or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that three out of
five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience,
although most outgrow teenage experimentation with
Republicanism.

Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward
eliminating conservophobia. They argue that since
Republicans didn't "choose" their lifestyle any more than
someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn't
be denied the civil rights that others enjoy.

If conservatism isn't the result of stinginess or orneriness
(typical stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is
something Republicans can't help, there's no reason why
society shouldn't tolerate them in the military -- or even
high elected office -- provided they don't flaunt their
political beliefs.

For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a
different future. In a few years, gene therapy might
eradicate Republicanism altogether.

But should they be allowed to marry?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This truly puts a Billion in perspective!!!............

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion,"
casually, think about whether you want the politician
spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one
advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure
into perspective in one of its releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1964.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the
Stone Age.

A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.

A billion dollars ago was only 4 hours and 10 minutes,
at the rate our government spends it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Leave to Mike for the first or is it worst football joke:
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when
the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was
that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one
go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7".

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and
says,"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker
and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to
get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything
he's got, and accidentally soils in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally Mike sent me here
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7/Drug.htm
which offers quite a bit of good clean fun including this gem

RULES THAT CATS LIVE BY

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything; Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get
door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you
have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in
and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito
season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair
or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time get to an
Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When
throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as
long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is
called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following
are the rules for "hampering":
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better
chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible.
Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the
pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First,
sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch
sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your
ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her,
be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk
across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay
in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
7) When human is using laptop, make sure to walk on keys,
then lay down on computer blocking screen and keys. This
will teach them not to hold laptop, instead of you!
(submitted by a viewer)

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they
have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first
get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she can
not move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as
much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of
kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the
humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four
hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans
to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away
or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you
with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a
human, especially their face, turn around, and present your
rear end to them. Humans love this, so do it often.
And don't forget guests.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
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Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 15

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 15 April 18, 2005


Lots of kid friendly sites this time but plenty of new game
sites for all of us as well. Just scroll down to find them.

Six weeks after being released from federal prison,
Martha Stewart has reached a deal with Sirius Satellite
Radio Inc. to create a 24-hour channel featuring cooking,
gardening and entertaining programming for women.
http://beta.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050418/ap_en_bu/sirius_martha_stewart_6

Check out the new Yahoo news site
http://beta.news.yahoo.com/

Computer files containing 310,000 people breached at
Lexisnexis (which specializes in legal and business info.)
Rival data broker ChoicePoint Inc. announced last month
that the personal information of 145,000 Americans was
compromised and at least 750 people were defrauded.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050412/D89E4KI80.html

And more of the same at Polo Ralph Lauren.
http://apnews.excite.com/article/20050415/D89FJL101.html

Looks like the US has a few less criminals on the streets:
http://apnews.excite.com/article/20050415/D89FITT00.html

Redrawing ancient civilizations from papayrus
http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_technology/story.jsp?story=630165

Two volcanos errupted this week
http://www.volcanolive.com/volcanolive.html

McDonald's turned 50 this week
http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/14/news/fortune500/mcdonalds_anniversary/index.htm?section=money_latest

More lawsuits against downloaders http://financialtimes.printthis.clickability.com/pt/cpt?action=cpt&title=FT.com+%2F+Industries+%2F+Media+%26+internet+-+Lawsuits+target+online+music+pirates&expire=&urlID=13868717&fb=Y&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.ft.com%2Fcms%2Fs%2Fccbe25a8-ab34-11d9-893c-00000e2511c8%2Cft_acl%3D%2Cs01%3D1.html&partnerID=1744

Bush stamps as art, probed by Secret Service
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050413/ap_on_re_us/secret_service_exhibit_5

Just in case you wondered, Viagra can be Kosher
for Passover
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/15/international/middleeast/15viagra.html?ex=1113796800&en=6a7654f84a44a789&ei=5070

Road sign goofs and other road info
http://www.millenniumhwy.net/roads.html

Central Minnesota Ghostbusters???
http://community-2.webtv.net/Central_Minnesota_Ghostbusters/CentralMinnesota/index.html

Too funny! Most of us have been here!
http://csbd.org/~jason/blockme.swf

Prepare to laugh
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/fartingcat.html

More great animations at:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/cartoons.shtml

Flash movies and animations
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/

This game of balancing a tray of food while everything
but the kitchen sink comes down at you is a challenge.
To play click here or paste this link into your browser: http://www.123games.dk/game/other/snackattack/snackattack_eng.php

Actually there are all kinds of games here
http://www.123games.dk/

Name that tune (if you don't like the music, change the
band - I played B B King and didn't do too badly)
http://www.scenta.co.uk/gamescenta/site/whatsthatsong.cfm

Scroll down to play Invaders Note Pad Style
http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2005/02/notepad-invaders.html

Hehehe music by Vikingsix "Gay Bar"
http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar/

More at http://www.rathergood.com/




Been a while since I listed kid safe sites
http://www.funbrain.com/kidscenter.html
http://www.lego.com/eng/Default.aspx
http://www.nick.com/
http://www.crayola.com/
http://www.enchantedlearning.com/Home.html
http://www.surfnetkids.com/
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/
http://www.sesameworkshop.org/
http://www.worldvillage.com/kidz/
http://www.newzoorevue.com/links.html
http://www.safesurf.com/safesurfing/
http://www.nanaellen.com/kidlink.htm
http://guides.msn.com/family/parentspreschoolers.armx
http://www.football-linx.com/kidsafe.htm
http://www.genaustin.org/public/
http://ktoon.4-evercards.com/main.html


Major news sources
http://news.yahoo.com/
http://news.google.com/nwshp?hl=en&ned=us
http://news.myway.com/index/id/home.html
http://channels.netscape.com/ns/news/default.jsp?floc=ne-main-3-l1
http://www.drudgereport.com/
http://www.womensenews.org/index.cfm


Amplestuff is a unique company which serves the needs
of people who are plus or supersize. Not a clothing store
they offer things like hangers in a larger size, fanny packs,
and folding chairs made to hold a larger person.
http://www.amplestuff.com/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are only two places in the world: over here and
over there. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't give a hoot. Not since 1959. That was the last
one I gave . Wait! I think I gave a hoot in 1967. Just
one. As a favor to a friend. But that was it. I'm not
even sure I have any left. Frankly, I'd be afraid to look.
I think I'm all out of hoots. If you want one, you're
gonna have to find it on your own. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was a kid I used to think it was all the same
clouds that kept coming by. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While working on a lesson in world religions, a teacher
asked her students to bring something related to their
family's faith to class. At the appropriate time, she asked
the students to come forward and share with the rest of
the students.

The first child said, "I am Muslim, and this is my prayer
rug."

The second child said, "I am Jewish, and this is the Star
of David."

The third child said, "I am Catholic, and this is my rosary."

The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist, and this is
my casserole dish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio
over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are
going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,
so the snow plows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later
while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next
week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow
today. You must park..." Then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her
face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side
of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get
through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men
who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why
don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Black.
"Miss Black, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The
frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty then
explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as
collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean,
what in the world is this?"


(you're gonna love this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a
knickknack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan. His old
man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned,
I know you did!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built
the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may
ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that
needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were
on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float a while.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the
Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God,
there's always a rainbow waiting.
My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted
God to bless and I picked you. Please pass this to people
you want to be blessed. Give it! Don't just get it. Most people
walk in and out of your life......
but FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The year is 2029..
*Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
formally known as California.
*White minorities still trying to have English recognized
as Mexifornia's third language.
*Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops and livestock.
*Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped.
*Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual
marriage.
*Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
*Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least
10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
*France pleads for global help after being overtaken by
Jamaica.
*Castro finally dies at age 112.
*Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President
Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking
*George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
*Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89
and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
*An 85-year, $75.8 billion study says diet and exercise
are the keys to weight loss.
*Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
*Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a
fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman
with her mouth shut.
*Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
*Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates
their civil rights.
*Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven.
*New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw
drivers, flyswatters, and rolled-up newspapers must
be registered by January 2036.
*Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal
political contributions to campaign accounts.
*Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex
with congressman.
*IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
*Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting
machine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new store named Husband-Mart opened. Husband-
Mart is a store where women can go and choose a
husband from among many men. The store is composed
of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes
as the shopper ascends the flight of stairs. There is,
however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you
may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a
floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the
building.

So, this woman goes to the shopping center to find a hus-
band. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the
sign and says to herself, "Well, that is better than my
last boyfriend, but I wonder what is further up?"

So up she goes. The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman
remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?"

And up she goes. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are
extremely good looking. "Hmm, better," she says. "But
I wonder what's upstairs?"

Up she goes. The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking and help with the housework. "Wow!", exclaims
the woman, "very tempting. But, there must be more
further up!"

And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor
sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and
have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just
think... what must be awaiting for me on the sixth floor?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor1,260,459,789,015 to this
floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at Husband-Mart and have a nice day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I love spring in New York City. Spring is in the air,
also carbon monoxide, lead, zinc..." --Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Someone gave President Bush an iPod and President
Bush asked 'where can I get one for the other eye?'"
~~ Craig Ferguson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


SIGNS THAT LEAD TO MISUNDERSTANDING
In a restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER
STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In another office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE
TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAIN
BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE
ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW
IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU
HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these:
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and
spotted the mostbeautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and
walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward
to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little burst of flatulence escaped her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to
see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing
behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he
greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help
you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting
as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and
asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very
sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are
gonna shit when you hear the price.''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was written by an 8-year old named Danny Dutton,
who lives in ChulaVista, CA. He wrote it for his third
grade homework assignment. The assignment was to
explain God.

EXPLANATION OF GOD
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them
to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people
to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups,
just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to
make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable
time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that
to mothers and fathers."

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An
awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers
and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have
time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he
hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his
ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off."

"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere
which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his
time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for
something they said you couldn't have."

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think
there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who
come to our church."

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like
walking on water and performing miracles and trying to
teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They
finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified
him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told
his father that they didn't know what they were doing and
to forgive them and God said O.K."

"His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done
and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have
to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So
he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers
and seeing things which are important for God to take care
of and which ones he can take care of himself without having
to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important."

"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help
you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty
all the time."

"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes
God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy,
it's God. Don't skip church or do something you think will be
more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides
the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you
will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere
with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's
around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't
swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."

"But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for
you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime
he pleases. And...that's why I believe in God."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy
when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an
hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds
crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should
try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months
later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks
Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, " I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually
gotten smaller!-- I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day
with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco's
shortening!..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Thanks and have a great week!

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 14

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 14 April 11, 2005


What a beautiful weekend we had! The weather was
supposed to be rainy today but that sun just keeps
shining. I have discovered that it's anywhere from
8-12 degrees warmer here in spring than it was living
next to Lake Michigan so I am headed out for a walk
when I am done here.

Make sure to read this article on the latest email scam.
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1620&ncid=738&e=10&u=/sv/20050409/tc_sv/emailscamdirectsuserstoboguswindowsupdate
Thanks to Erin for sending this website that provides
information on how low-income individuals can get
meds for free:
http://www.needymeds.com/

I usually use Mapquest but recently added this to my
list of essential links since the maps are easy to read:
http://maps.google.com/maps

Our farmers market opened this weekend.
To find one near you:
http://www.ams.usda.gov/farmersmarkets/map.htm

Wisconsin Farmers Markets
http://www.reapfoodgroup.org/atlas/farmers_markets.htm

The original Los Angeles Farmers Market
http://www.farmersmarketla.com/

UK Farmers Markets
http://www.farmersmarkets.net/visit/

If you can't make it to a farmers market you can try to buy
fresh produce, specialty foods, and other products online:
http://www.farmersmarketonline.com/

MMMMMMM over 500 recipes for ice cream
http://www.astray.com/recipes/?search=ice+cream

For the science buffs, radio broadcasts from the BBC with
young scientists of many descriptions most of whom have
advanced degrees. Archives of the shows can be streamed
from the website. Articles with resources are on topics
the kids may be asking about one of these days.
http://www.thenakedscientists.com/

Amazing sidewalk art here:
http://gprime.net/images/sidewalkchalkguy/

Great puzzle game here just click, drag and drop pieces
http://homokaasu.org/gasgames/getgame.gas?27

If you need a slower paced game try this one from
Johnsonville (there are several games here)
http://www.johnsonville.com/siteconf.nsf/Lkp/catchgame.html

Pretty funny stuff here.
http://www.glumbert.com/

Very cool . . . Local Wisconsin art, music, dance, classes,
events, grants, fellowships, conferences, jobs, and
residencies. Virtually all art forms are represented
here. Check it out:
http://portalwisconsin.org/

Great Wisconsin Travel Site with events, places to stay,
places to eat, indoor attractions, packages and deals,
guide books, virtual tours, even a just for kids section
http://www.travelwisconsin.com/index.htm

By the way Chocolate Festival is early this year and
a whole 5 days long this year (Memorial weekend)
http://www.chocolatefest.com/location.html

Reviews, articles, recipes and more:
http://www.thenewhomemaker.com/home

Have you seen the revolutionary new alarm clock?
http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050408/2005-04-08T123736Z_01_N07717994_RTRIDST_0_ODD-ODD-ALARMCLOCK-DC.html

Did you know there are alarm clocks that shake the bed?
http://www.activeandable.com/catalog/15

Does this mean gas is going down?
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050407/ap_on_bi_ge/oil_prices_75

I always said you had to be a little "off" to play in the NFL
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=487&e=1&u=/ap/fbn_siegfried___roy_shooting

Look who's going to be calling in China:
http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050408/2005-04-08T124002Z_01_PEK212082_RTRIDST_0_ODD-CHINA-AVON-DC.html

2 new suffixes to be used online
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050409/D89BIMRG0.html

If you missed the eclipse you'll have to wait till 2012 to see
another in the US.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050409/D89BV8V80.html


How much caffine does it have? The answers:
http://deskpotato.lekei.ca/dpcaff.html

Convicted spammer sentenced to 9 years.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050409/D89BI7SO0.html

Many of us are trying to eat more healthy foods and/or
reduce carbs so this recipe site may come as a happy
suprise. Oh go ahead they have yummy recipes here:
http://vgs.diabetes.org/recipe/index.jsp

Has anyone gotten a free ipod?
http://www.freeipods.com/Default.aspx?N=1&P=187

Did you know illegal immigrants pay in but never get
it back? What's happening to the money?
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/05/business/05immigration.html?ei=5070&en=80eed4b5c4d3e201&ex=1112932800&adxnnl=0&adxnnlx=1112889813-KkktZdgu9Y/z4r1LbiLb6w&pagewanted=print&position=

Paris on the frugal side. OK I understand budgets but
staying in a hospital?
http://travel2.nytimes.com/2005/04/10/travel/10frugal.html?ex=1113278400&en=b0d7f05163d70f70&ei=5070

MMMMMM Maple syrup time
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/10/magazine/10FOOD.html

With all the fancy schmancy video products out there
came all the lingo. Here they help define the terms used
when discussing projection TV's
http://www.goodguys.com/sony/projectiontvs.asp

Brand new hub for sci fi fans
http://scifihub.clicdev.com/f/

One of our readers was not happy with some of my
more political statements so I was forced to search
out a few reasons online for my feelings.

Our allies just have to listen as he opens his mouth
http://www.bushisms.com/

The Unions hate him
http://www.aflcio.org/bushwatch/

124 reasons Bush must go
http://www.radioleft.com/article.php?sid=440

On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blonde to a darker haired friend, "I'm trying to count
to 5 and I can't remember what comes after 7."

"If you're just counting to 5, nothing comes after 7."

Blonde, "Gee, I thought for sure you'd know!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: you can park in the handicap zone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do blondes have more fun ?
A: They're easier to keep amused.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some
trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and
asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but
why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation
and get the top of the line model. This chainsaw will cut
a hundred cords of wood for you in a day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working
on the trees. After cutting for several hours, only cutting
two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks something is wrong
with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and cut only
two cords?" the man asks himself. "I'll begin first thing in
the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So the next morning the man gets up at 4 am and cuts and
cuts, and cuts till nightfall and still he only manages to cut
five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The
dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a
day, no problem. I'll take this saw back to the dealer, " the
man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the
dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by
the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The
dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man
responds, "What's that noise?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman
walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and
quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman
if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the
woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of
small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat
silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying
every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle
of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,
"Good trade."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was soo blonde that .......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box
because it said "concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted
to make up her mind.
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~she studied for a blood test.
~she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
~ she missed the 44 bus, so she took the 22 bus twice.
~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that
said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You might be redneck, if your fly-swatter doubles as
your back scratcher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly',
meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood
sucking parasites'~~Larry Hardiman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Words of Wisdom

*When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by
your own taste.

*Never refuse a breath mint when offered.

*If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other
person.

*When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

*Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

*Work is good, but it's not that important.

*Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

*Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

*If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What are the two main political parties in Canada?
A: Moose and Squirrel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
One, but it takes five sessions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts to Ponder:

* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an
"s" in it?

* Since light travels faster than sound...isn't that why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

* How come abbreviated is such a long word?

* Why do you press harder on a remote-control when
you know the battery is dead?

* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals
throw hamburgers?

* Why do people without a watch look at their wrist
when you ask them what time it is?

* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee"
on money they already know you don't have?

* If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see
it, do the other trees make fun of it?

* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

* Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar
is open, it's not adoor?

* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has
to touch it.

* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

* Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get
rid of?

* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when
we use them?

* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments
in a suitcase?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* What do little birdies see when they get knocked
unconscious?

* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

* Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me,
it would defeat the purpose.

* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

* Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

* Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part
shut?

* War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

* Do Roman Paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?

* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened,
small stain.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy.

* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets
pretty crowded.

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* What's another word for "thesaurus"?

* When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and
get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
how many people ask if I'm leaving.

* When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the
backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

* I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do
anything. Every once in awhile I turn it on and off.
One day I got a call from a woman in France who said,
"Cut it out!"

* I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

* My driver's license photo got taken out of focus and
I left it that way on purpose. Now when I get pulled
over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther,
trying to see it clearly) ...and says, "Here, you can go."

* I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy
anything specific.

* I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went
back in time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computers

Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at
a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice,
intermediate and expert.

Novice Users: People who are afraid that simply pressing
a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users: People who don't know how to fix
their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users: People who break other people's computers.

Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's
released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Programmers: Computer avengers. Once members of that
group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses,
played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek
episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly"
software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Default Directory: Black hole. Default directory is where
all files that you need disappear to.

Error message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers
to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable
name (It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file
cabinet--except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet
gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is
unknown.).

Help: The feature that assists in generating more questions.
When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to
navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where
they started from without learning anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sign in tourist shop window:
SORRY WE'RE CLOSED
PLEASE SHOVE MONEY UNDER DOOR

Sign at a traffic court:
DON'T COMPLAIN JUST THINK OF ALL THE
TICKETS YOU DESERVED BUT DIDN'T GET!

Sign in a restaurant:
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS

Sign in a men's clothing store:
15 MEN'S WOOL SUITS $10.
THEY WON'T LAST AN HOUR!

Sign in a shop window:
OUR MOTTO IS TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS
THE LOWEST POSSIBLE PRICES AND
WORKMANSHIP

Sign on an Electrician's truck:
LET US REMOVE YOUR SHORTS

Sign outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
BEST PLACE IN TOWN TO TAKE A LEAK

Sign in a Non-smoking area:
IF WE SEE YOU SMOKING
WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE
AND TAKE THE APPROPRIATE ACTION

Sign on Maternity Room door:
PUSH, PUSH, PUSH

Sign on a scientist's door:
GONE FISSION

Sign in a Podiatrist's window:
TIME WOUNDS ALL HEALS

Sign at a Used Car Lot:
SECOND HAND CARS
IN FIRST CRASH CONDITION

Sign at a Car Dealership:
THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET --
MISS A CAR PAYMENT

Sign outside a Muffler Shop:
NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY.
WE'LL HEAR YOU COMING

Sign at an Auto Body Shop:
MAY WE HAVE THE NEXT DENTS?

Sign at a Dry Cleaners:
DROP YOUR PANTS HERE

Sign on a Music Teacher's door:
OUT CHOPIN

Sign in a Beauty Shop:
DYE NOW!

Sign on the side of a Garbage Truck:
WE'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES
TO TAKE WHAT YOU'VE GOT

Sign on the door of a Computer Store:
OUT FOR A QUICK BYTE

Sign in a Restaurant Window:
DON'T STAND THERE AND BE HUNGRY;
COME IN AND GET FED UP

Sign inside a Bowling Alley:
PLEASE BE QUIET.
WE NEED TO HEAR A PIN DROP.

Sign in a Cafeteria:
SHOES ARE REQUIRED TO EAT IN THE CAEFTERIA.
SOCKS CAN EAT ANYPLACE THEY WANT

Sign on the door of a Music Library:
BACK IN A MINUET

Sign in front of a Funeral Home:
DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT.

Sign in a Counselor's office:
GROWING OLD IS MANDATORY.
GROWING WISE IS OPTIONAL

Sign at a gas station:
WE WILL NOT SELL GAS TO
ANYONE IN A GLASS CONTAINER.

Sign at a loan company:
ASK US ABOUT OUR PLANS
FOR OWNING YOUR HOME

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.
NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Sign on a front door:
EVERYONE ON THE PREMISES IS A
VEGETARIAN EXCEPT THE DOG

Sign at an Optometrist's Office:
IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR,
YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

Sign in a Taxidermist's window:
WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF

Sign in a Butcher's window:
LET ME MEAT YOUR NEEDS

Sign on another Butcher's window:
PLEASED TO MEAT YOU

Sign in a veterinarian's office:
ALL CHILDREN LEFT UNATTENDED
WILL BE GIVEN A FREE KITTEN!

Sign on a Fence:
SALESMEN WELCOME.
DOG FOOD IS EXPENSIVE.

Notice in a Veterinarian's Waiting Room:
BE BACK IN 5 MINUTES. SIT! STAY!

Sign in a gas station:
COKE -- 49 CENTS. TWO FOR A DOLLAR

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his
speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to
try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket,
and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies
that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well
yeah, is that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies"?

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on
farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost
always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket
after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are
you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect
for law enforcement and police officers to even think about
calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back
to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies
though."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and
what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be
aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head
is alive and about to bite off your ear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BAD AMERICAN By: George Carlin
I am your worst nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am
George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family,
not some medieval governmental functionary with a bad
comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts
squirting out babies.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne,
Ice-T or Marilyn Manson ever sang.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better
do it in English!

I don't use the excuse "It's for the children" as a shield for
unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more
enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your
parents are footing the bill to put you through 4-7 years of
college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpson's and whoever
canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't want to waste time
arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts
now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave. I didn't wander 40
years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't
burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and
neither have you, so shut up.

I think cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your
ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color
you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, then
I don't want you deciding who should be running the most
powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I hate those idiots standing in the intersections trying to sell
me crap or trying to guilt me into making '"donations" to their
cause. These people should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your
license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride
the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes
two parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how
desperately the mainstream media would like the world
to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a Bad American, then yes, I'm a Bad
American. If you, too, are a Bad American, please forward
this to everyone you know. We need OUR COUNTRY BACK!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for these bits of trivia:
*A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
*A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
*A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
*A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
*A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
*A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
*A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
*A snail can sleep for three years.
*Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture
dealer.
*All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
*Almonds are a member of the peach family.
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
*Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age! .
*Butterflies taste with their feet.
*Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only
have about 10.
*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
*February 1865 is the only month in recorded history
not to have a full moon.
*In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been
domesticated.
*If the population of China walked past you, in single
file, the line would never end because of the rate of
reproduction.
*If you are an average American, in your whole life, you
will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
*It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
*Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
*Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
*No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple.
*On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
*Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our
nose and ears never stop growing.
*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
*Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
*"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the
left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
*The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
*The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns. (i.e. 10,560 gals per mile;
1,056,000 per hundred miles)
*The microwave was invented after a researcher walked
by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
*The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy
dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
*The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze
completely solid.
*The words 'radar', 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the
same whether they are read left to right or right to left
(palindromes).
*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
*There are more chickens than people in the world.
*There are only four words in the English language which
end in "dous":> tremendous, horrendous, stupendous,
and hazardous
*There are two words in the English language that
have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
*There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables
Vitamins.
*Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
*TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made
using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
*Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during
a dance.
*Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
*Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus
every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself
..............Now you know everything

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that
I take her out to some place expensive . . . . .

So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when
one said, "Where Did you get such a great bike?" The
second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist,
the glass Is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is
twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The
engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must
have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed
in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's
with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't
they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a
group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving
our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime." The group was silent for
a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I
will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor
said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these
guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build
weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does
it work?" The Graduate with an Engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
graduate withan Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a Mechanical Engineer ." Just look
at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an Electrical
Engineer. The nervous system has many thousands
of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually
it was a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix
it. " Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't
have enough features yet."

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a
mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his
wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because the passion and mystery he found
there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah.
If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you
can go to the lab and get some work done".

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into
a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog
and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at
it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried
out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again
the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is
the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and
that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I, _________________________ (fill in blank),
being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept
alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the
hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit
up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that
I won't ever get better.When such a determination is
reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes
and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the
Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-
support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay
attention instead to the health, education and future
of the millions of Americans who aren't in a
permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt
into this case.

I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're
trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in
2008, it is my wish that they play politics with
someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send
e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care
about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly
haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on
my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns
my case into apolitical cause, I hereby promise to come
back from the grave and make his or her existence a
living hell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More from Mike:
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate
when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi,
crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and
sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world
was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He
dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.
'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,'
said the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'

'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need,
but let me show you this dog.' They walk over to the
splattered remains of the dog.'Do you think you could bring
this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Is there something else you would like?'

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and
pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman
called Diana,' said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first
photo but, I love this woman called Camilla,' and he showed
the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at
all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes
said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally thanks to Erin for this one:
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit
Eve."So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and
sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything
is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts
you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two
out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches, and snagging them on bushes.
They are a real pain," reported Eve. Eve went on to tell God
that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such
as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two
breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced",
as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God. "It was my first attempt at
this, you know. I gave many of the animals six breasts, so I
figured that you needed only half of those. But, I see that you
are right. I will fix it up right away."And God reached down,
removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the
Garden of Eden."Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your
part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a
ram, and the cow has her bull. All of the animals have a mate.
I don't, and I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment, and said, "You know, Eve, you are
right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate,
and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now
let's see ... where did I put that useless boob?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing
please respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Thanks and have a great week!

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 13

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 13 April 4, 2005

Wow what a day! Since its going to hit 70 I am off and
running . . . hope you can enjoy the day too!

Our good friend Reverend Raven and his Chain Smokin'
Altar Boys have a new website here:
http://www.reverendraven.com/

Which ended up turning me on to this site:
http://www.mnblues.com/

Specializing in civic participation, this site offers readers
a chance to comment on topics, identify and locate their
leaders (and their voting records), but not just the elected
type also Supreme Court, Agencies, Departments, local
and state government as well as the media. There is also
a lisiting of current bills in Congress
http://www.congress.org/congressorg/home/

A search engine for your neighborhood with listings that
show Name and address, then have the chance to get more
info and map, even websites when they are available
http://www.truelocal.com/

For me Wisconsin is home so is this my homepage?
http://www.wisconline.com/

This is interesting, with the demographics of Wisconsin
if you choose that button first or if you pick a city and
then the demographics button it shows them for that city
http://www.wisconsin.com/

Over 18,000 pages about the exploration of North America
funded by the U.S. Institute of Museum & Library Services
and donors. View, search, or download more than 150 rare
books, narratives, and original manuscripts from libraries
and archives of the Wisconsin Historical Society.
http://www.americanjourneys.org/


Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican
http://tvnewslies.org/Day_in_The_Life_Of_Joe_Middle1.pdf


Nuke your pick of websites or let dinosaurs stomp them.
Just enter the website and pick your vehicle of destruction.
http://www.netdisaster.com/

Too funny . . . the Messy Gourmet
http://www.messygourmet.com/


Wow Great games, audio, video, jokes here.
http://www.killsometime.com/index.asp

Interactive crossword puzzle
http://www.thehighhat.com./Detritus/005/xword.html

Talking search engine. Just type in your search then ten
results are listed and read out to you in order (some may
be skipped if they have no content or if they have been
slow to connect).
http://www.speegle.co.uk/

Online music case may control outcome of the next
technology as the case against Betamax did
http://dmec.haas.berkeley.edu/?q=node/78

MGM vs Grokster
http://www.publicknowledge.org/issues/grokster

Court Ruling May not Hinder Music Theft
http://www.ecommercetimes.com/story/legal/41868.html

Google increases storage on Gmail
http://www.ecommercetimes.com/story/41955.html


By the way if you still need an invitation to gmail write
to me at bluesbaby.us@gmail.com


Hehehe . . . did you catch Googles online prank on April
Fool's Day?
http://www.google.com/googlegulp/


Having used Groove at one time, I am suprised it didn't
catch on for general use with more of us
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A14490-2005Mar30.html

But now it is no longer free and apparently Micro$oft is
buying it so on to the next great progam. To see the
features it offers click this link:
http://www.groove.net/index.cfm/pagename/solutions_personaluse/




Pretty amusing quiz although they do run ads during this
http://www.runormal.com/

If you enjoyed that, here is the quiz archive at iVillage
http://www.ivillage.com/archive/0,,17-3,00.html


For those who are following the papal choices this article
from 2003 may be of interest since they suggest many
who could follow Pope John Paul II.
http://slate.msn.com/id/2089815/nav/ais/


First of all who knew there was a Duct Tape Club?
And then who knew there was such a contest? Make
sure you check out the "Previous Playas"!
http://www.ducktapeclub.com/contests/prom/


And while we are the "who knew" section . . . I always
say you can find anything on the internet so why was I
suprised by this site for single or gay women to become
parents and not have that pesky biological parent problem?
http://www.mannotincluded.com/



On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway
places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it."
~~ Sam Ewing

More from Sam
http://home.no.net/ewing/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time can be your enemy or your friend.
~~ Ray Charles (1930-2004)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

20 Blues Rules to Live By
1. Do not trust the levee to function as intended.
2. Chances are if you can’t find your baby, she is with
your best friend.
3. Trusting people that you meet at the Crossroads
is unwise.
4. While sex with Stagger Lee's woman is great, the
consequences are also dire.
5. Knocking on doors rarely works, run around back
to see who’s slippin’ out.
6. While you may share your troubles, no one will know
them.
7. The preacher man is frequently of no comfort.
8. Moderate consumption of liquor is uncommon.
9. Lemon juice on your leg is a satisfying sensation.
10. Your baby will always break your heart.
11. The long-term success of a railroad line is not good.
12. Your happiness is directly linked to the day of the
week.
13. Travel is only possible by V-8 Ford or Cadillac car,
bus, a train, or foot.
14. Your only possible choice of pet is a dog, and the
dog must be old.
15. Death rarely happens by accident. It always requires
some fair amount of fixin'.
16. No one is happily married.
17. The policeman is not your friend.
18. Your mama is rarely cold, and your daddy is never hot.
19. A moderate case of the blues has never been recorded.
20. An infinite number of blues can be created by the
application of random nouns ie Roadhouse, Milk Cow,
Highway, Killing floor, Summertime, Bell Bottom, Mexicali,
Folsom Prison, etc.) before the word "blues."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blues Lingo From
http://blues.about.com/library/blgloss.htm
American Blues has established a colorful language to
go with the heartfelt music. Most terms come from the
rural African-American experience or the melting pot
of New Orleans. Here is a glossary of those terms.

Alligator - Or 'Gator. A dance from Florida that involves
squirming on the dance floor.

Back Door Man - A clandestine lover who must sneak out
the back door as the as the husband/wife comes in the
front door.

Balling the Jack - A railroad work term that quickly became
a metaphor for lovemaking. It was also the name of a popular
dance step in the 1940's.

Barrelhouse - A common nightclub (see juke joint). Probably
named after barrels of beer needed to fuel proceedings.

Beale Street - A Blues hotspot in Memphis, Tennessee. B.B.
King started there. The area has been revived and is once
again a thriving party scene.

Black Cat Bone - A mystical charm that is actually a bone
from a black cat that has been ritually processed. Carried for
good luck.

Blues - Musical form that came from rural African-American
experience. Using flatted and bending notes in the common
music scale, an ultra-emotional sound developed.

Boll Weevil - An insect that eats cotton. This pest was
responsible for crop failures that plagued the South.

Boogie-Woogie - A Blues style most associated with the
piano. From the ragtime and stride piano traditions of New
Orleans and Kansas City, it evolved into a very Texas
musical form.

Bourbon Street - Traditional party street in New Orleans,
Louisiana. Famed for music and decadence.

Canned Heat - Sterno. Jellied alcohol that could heat your
food or get you very drunk.

Captain - The big boss. The plantation owner or prison guard.

C.C. Rider - A prostitute's boyfriend or anyone who gets a
free ride in exchange for sex.

Chicken Shack - A food establishment where a party could
also be found.

Creeper - A clandestine lover who sneaks around town.
The Midnight Creeper.

Delta - Fertile flat land in western Mississippi that was the
heart of the slavery and cotton eras.

Dozens - An insult game usually about your mother.

Dust My Broom - Break up with a lover. Start an new life
by cleaning out the old.

Eagle Rock - Popular dance from the 1920's

Flag a Ride - Hitchhike or jump a passing freight train.

Gandy Dancers - Railroad workers who straightened track
to a call and response work song.

Gris-Gris - A magical spell or voodoo technique.

Hands - A collection of voodoo charms worn or carried for
protection and luck.

Harp - A harmonica. Also known as the Georgia Saxophone.

Highway 51 - Highway runs north and south through the
Mississippi Delta. It was the main route of the migration to
Chicago.

Hobo - A homeless person who jumps on freight trains to
travel the counrty. The source of some real Blues.

Honeydripper - A superlover. The one you love or hope to love.

Hoochie Coochie Man - A man obsessed with booze (hootch)
and women (cootch).

HooDoo - A mix of African spirituality, Voodoo, and
Christianity. Folk magic of the rural South.

House Party - Musical parties in an apartment or house
instead of a club or juke.

JellyRoll - A metaphor for the female genitalia.

Jinx - The bearer of bad luck. A mojo hand would be worn
for protection from a jinx.

Jitterbug - A popular dance of the 1940's.

Jive - Bogus, false, or untrue. B.B. King sings "My momma
says she loves me, but she could be jivin' too".

Johnny Conqueroo - A woody tuber related to the sweet
potato used in a mojo hand.

Jug Band - A band using common items like a jug,
washboard, or kazoos to play music.

Juju - African musical genre and another term for a
mojo hand.

Juke Joint - A bar or club in the rural South. Sometimes
just known as "jukes".

Killing Floor - The room where cows are slaughtered.
Usually referring to the stockyards of Chicago.

Lucille - B.B. King's guitar. Named after a woman whose
love caused a man to burn the club he was playing in at
the time.

Maxwell Street - Chicago market area where Blues
performers could play and sell records.

Mojo - A magical spell or item. Someone could put some bad
mojo on you or you could carry a mojo hand to ward off these
evil intents.

Monkey - An addiction or addict. As in "monkey on my back".

Moonshine - Home made liquor usually distilled from corn.

Parchman Farm - Famous Mississippi prison that inspired
the deepest Blues.

Piedmont Blues - Blues music that came from the East
Coast and Appalachian Mountains.

Ramblin' - Blues music that came from the East Coast
and Appalachian Mountains.

Rent Party - Musical parties in an apartment where
admission was used to cover the rent.

Ride the Blinds - Riding a freight train.

Roadhouse - A juke joint or honky tonk next to a highway.

Root Doctor - Person versed in magical cures from plants.

Rounder - A real party animal and womanizer.

Sharecropping - Paying rent on your farm by giving
most of the yearly crop to the farm owner. After the Civil
War, this effectively kept African-Americans from economic
advancement.

Slide - A guitar style that uses a glass or metal tube to
slide on the strings, creating variable pitches.

Smokestack Lightin' - A mule fart. Some may say it
describes a steam train in the night.

Stagger Lee - Criminal Folk hero who defined the
"baddest of the bad".

VooDoo - Folk mysticism from the Caribean.

Yea You Right - New Orleans' answer to every question.

Wang Dang Doodle - A big party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Some things just aren't funny. Beatings aren't funny.
Mimes aren't funny. But beating a mime - why is that
so hilarious?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Is it illegal to charge admission to a free-for-all?"
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are from potential visitors. They were posted on
an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously
have quite a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen
it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?
(Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can
you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville
and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the
Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing
is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us
when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
(USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight
after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/
gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come
from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be
safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia,
but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
(USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called
because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of
anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go
out walking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Undocumented List of New Version Windows Errors
*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
*WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is
now in every file
*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
*WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Disk view found on drive
*WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money
spent on hardware
*WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - No one knows
what has happened
*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB
*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More!
More! More!
*WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this
happened
*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
*WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been totally
destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid
anymore.
*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please
reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
*WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this
error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be
inadequate.
*WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our
own code.
*WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait.
And wait.
*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors
will be lost.
*WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-
box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been
installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors were
encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you
want to play another game?
*WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while
waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 580,312,583
Bytes available

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I think we've outgrown the word gripe. When everyone
has automatic weapons, a word like gripe is sort of
irrelevant. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Supposedly, these classified ads appeared in the New
York Times:
*FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL
LITTLE DOG. BITES.
*FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY
NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
*FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART
STUPID DOG.
*GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS
GERMAN. FREE.
*FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ...
BEEN OUT AWHILE .. BETTER BE A REWARD.
*SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY
DAYS.
*NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
*GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
*NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
*JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER &
DRYER $300.
*OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE
COFFEE & DONUTS.
(AND THE BEST ONE) . . FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete
set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer needed. Got married
last month. Wife knows everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Christine for this one:
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing
on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a
young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down
beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy"
so that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man.
Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Heck, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And
that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin
is planning to do it's own, entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin
Style." The contestants will start in Milwaukee; travel
up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay.
Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander
and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland
and Superior. Then back down through Rice Lake, Eau
Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to
Milwaukee. Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo
with Illinois license plates and a large bumper sticker that
reads: I'm a vegetarian. Bratwurst clogs your arteries.
The Green Bay Packers suck! Go Bears! Cheese is high in
cholesterol. Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder and
I'm here to confiscate your guns! The first one that makes
it back to Milwaukee alive wins.

Good luck to all contestants!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dedicated to all the folks who live in cubes 40 hrs a week!
This one's For you! David Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks
to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a
freakin' boxall day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without
turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind
of gun fire.
7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button,
you'll get apiece of cheese.
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work
right.
4. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more
signs of life than your coworkers.
And the Number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle is. . .
1. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO
FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask for directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR
BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole
and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN
DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET
SEAT DOWN?(don't know.....it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman's joke . . . It has long been contended that there
are male jokes and there are female jokes. And there are
unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.
I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and
men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome,
extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking
that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-
at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he
leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The
man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words."(controlling huh?) The woman considered
his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill
from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along
with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly,
and meaningfully said..... "Clean my house."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these really bad puns
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International
Pun Contest.
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other
and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my
electron."The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies
"Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
"Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name
him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. Two friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a
rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to
close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town,
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars
and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time,which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made
him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him...[Oh, man, how bad is this
one?!!]...a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the
puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for The best of bad writing
For lovers of good writing, listed below are the 10 winners
of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Contest, aka the "Dark and
Stormy Night Contest" run by the English Department of
San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the
first line of a bad novel:
10. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were
ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never
hear the end of it."
9. "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8. "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied,
a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick
brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black
lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small
straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7. "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind
as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep...
Andre creep.'"
6. "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge
of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back
alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5. "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not
keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4. "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but
then penguins often do."
3. "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage
cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on
the hotel floor."
2. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't
know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh
in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short,
a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS... 1. "The sun oozed over the horizon,
shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and,
with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder,
gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian
lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's
deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.........
by David Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to
his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and
locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that
rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also from Mike:
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what
is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such
a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know
to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight
answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded
to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and
responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining,
the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging
open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face,
the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question,
honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that 'dinner will be
ready in just a couple of secs.' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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