FUN on the WEB From Bluesbaby

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 22

2007-12-29T10:24:00.001-06:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 22 December 29, 2007

Get a person instead of some voicemail loop
http://gethuman.com/

Worried about long delays at airports?
http://flightaware.com/

How about a high-quality, free 3D drawing program?
http://www.autodesk.com/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 21

2007-12-23T20:58:00.000-06:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 33 December 23, 2007

Ho ho ho . . . well I finally caught up with myself. I see that
somehow I have just missed this totally for some time
so now I combined the November one I started with the
December one I had also started. Where any references
to upcoming holidays appear they are no longer coming
they are here.

I am visiting with the kids and finally caught up with
sleep. I spent most of December sicker than a dog with
some horrid virus which I got rid of just in time to
travel.

Travel is a whole other story which I will save for next
time. I am going to try a wrap up issue for New Years
but we'll have to see how my time works out here.

Thanks to Erin for this web site where you can pick out a
thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent
to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq .. You can't
pick out who gets it, but it will go to some member of the
armed services. Please send a card. It is FREE and it only
takes a second.
http://www.letssaythanks.com/

Google just being fun again
http://www.lifehacker.com/software/fun/search-google-earth-for-giant-toys-221972.php

Thanks to Mike for this Santa jigsaw
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=ER13610552

Other fabulous cards by Jacquie Lawson
12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=HY27482779

PEAR TREE COTTAGE (CHUDLEIGH)
http://www.j-baertschi.ch/lawson/xmas2000.swf

VILLAGE GREEN
http://www.j-baertschi.ch/lawson/xmas2001.swf

DANCING PIPER
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=ZF33182754

SNOW DOG
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?cont=1&hdr=0&pv=XS01EN

Want to see where Santa is by radar?
http://www.noradsanta.org/index.php

How to create Quick-Open Wrapping (Rip Cord)
http://www.instructables.com/id/E8I8YKA38QEVYDU27D/?ALLSTEPS

Check out the seasonal tacky stuff here
http://www.worldofkitsch.com/features/kitschmas2003/index.html

Among the many really yummy recipes here are these
darling snow topped cupcakes for anytime in winter or
actually anytime at all will do.
http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/000132.html

Green and Crafty ideas for you
http://dannyseo.typepad.com/my_weblog/

Another great crafty site
http://www.getcrafty.com/

"House Gymnastics originated . . . in a joint and convoluted
attempt to put up a bedroom blind. It could be argued that
boredom was the real catalyst for House Gymnastics . . ."
Step by Step instructions included
http://www.housegymnastics.com/

How to get rid of junk mail
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Rid-of-Junk-Mail

Harry Potter fans check out this site
http://www.jkrowling.com/

Is it time to start saving some money and calories by packing a lunch?
http://www.cleverdude.com/content/frugal-lunch-by-clever-dudette/

For more ideas see 52 Projects here:
http://www.52projects.com/52_projects/2007/09/tips-for-bringi.html

Winter is upon us since they are forecasting snow
for next week so we may need this sooner than later
http://imakeprojects.com/content/view/41/32/

Speaking of that can the holidays be far behind?
http://makezine.com/blog/archives.html

Free Christmas Games
http://www.miniclip.com/games/en/christmas.php
http://www.merry-christmas.com/games/index.htm

Dress up the Christmas elves
http://akidsheart.com/holidays/christms/dresself.htm

Here's a match Christmas game.
http://www.akidsheart.com/ws/stocking.htm

Decorate the tree:
http://www.castlearcana.com/christmas/tree/

Cute Christmas Fun
http://badaboo.free.fr/merryxmas.swf

Maxine's Night Before Christmas!
http://wsww.humorhaus.com/hh1189.htm

North Pole Zodiac
http://www.merry-christmas.com/games/north.pole.zodiac/north_pole_zodiac.htm

Might as well take advantage of these tax dollars at work
http://origins.firstgov.gov/Citizen/Topics/Winter.shtml

Collection of free audiobooks, articles and podcasts
http://www.learnoutloud.com/Free-Audio-Video#directory

A little late to try this year but sounds like a fabulous twist on a turkey
http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/2007/12/05/the_best_roast_turkey_christmas_or_any_t

Get out the tissues for this or scroll down to
"On to the chuckles:"

The Last Straw
It was another long, winter afternoon with everyone stuck
in the house and the four McDonald children were at it
again; bickering, teasing, fighting over their toys. At
times like these, mother was almost ready to believe that
her children didn’t love each other, though she knew that
wasn’t really true. All brothers and sisters fight, of
course, but lately her little lively bunch had been
particularly horrible to each other, especially Eric and
Kelly, who were just a year apart. They seemed determined
to spend the whole winter making each other miserable.

“Gimme that. It’s mine!”

“Is not, fatso! I had it first!”

Mother sighed as she listened to the latest argument
coming from the living room. With Christmas only a
month away, the McDonald house seemed sadly lacking
in Christmas spirit. This was supposed to be the season
of sharing and love, of warm feelings and happy hearts.
A home needed more than just pretty packages or twinkling
lights on the tree to fill it with the Christmas spirit.
But how could any mother convince her children that being
kind to each other was the most important way to get
ready for Christmas?

Mother had only one idea. Years ago her grandmother had
told her about an old Christmas custom that helped people
discover the real meaning of Christmas. Perhaps it would
work for her family. It was worth a try. Mother gathered
her four little rascals together and sat them down on the
stairs, smallest to tallest: Mike, Randi, Kelly and Eric.

“How would you kids like to start a new Christmas project
this year”? she asked. “It’s like a game, but it can only
be played by people who can keep a secret. Can everyone
here do that”?

“I can!” shouted Eric, wildly waving his arm in the air.

“I can keep a secret better than he can,” yelled Kelly,
jumping up and waving her arm in the air, too. If this
was a contest, she wanted to make sure she beat Eric.

“I can do it!” chimed in Randi, not quite sure what was
happening, but not wanting to be left out.

“Me too, me too, me too,” squealed little Mike, bouncing
up and down.

“Well then, here’s how the game works,” mother explained.
“This year, we’re going to surprise Baby Jesus when he
comes on Christmas Eve by making him the softest bed in
the world. We’re going to build a little crib for him to
sleep in right here in our house, and we’ll fill it with
straw to make it comfortable. But here’s the catch: Each
piece of straw we put in the manger will represent one
kind thing we do for someone between now and Christmas.
The more kind things we do, the more straw there will be
for Baby Jesus. The secret part is we can’t tell anyone
what good things we’re doing and who we’re doing them for.”

The children looked confused.

“How will Baby Jesus know it’s his bed”? asked Kelly.

“He’ll know,” said mother. “He’ll recognize it by the
love we’ve put into the crib, by how soft it is.”

"But who will we do the kind things for”? asked Eric.

“It’s simple,” said mother. “We’ll do them for each other.
Once every week between now and Christmas, we’ll put all
of our names in this hat, mine and daddy’s too. Then
we’ll each draw a name and do kind things for that person
for a whole week. But here’s the hard part. We can’t tell
anyone whose name we’ve drawn for that week, and we’ll
each try to do as many favors as we can for our special
person without getting caught. And for every secret good
thing we do, we’ll put another piece of straw in the crib.”

“But what if I pick someone I don’t like”? frowned Kelly.

Mother thought about that for a minute.

"Maybe you could use extra fat straws for the good things
you do for that person, because they might be harder to
do. But just think how much faster the fat straws will
fill up our crib. Then on Christmas Eve, we’ll put Baby
Jesus in his little bed, and he’ll sleep that night on a
mattress made of love. I think he’d like that, don’t you”?

“Now, who will build the crib for us”? she asked.

Since Eric was the oldest, and the only one of the
children allowed to use tools, he marched off to the
basement to give it a try. For the next couple of hours,
loud banging and sawing noises came from the basement.
Then for a long time, there were no noises at all.
Finally, Eric climbed back up the stairs with the manger
in his arms.

“Here it is,” he grinned. “The best crib in the world!
And I did it all myself.”

For once, everyone agreed. The little manger was the
best crib in the world. One leg was an inch too short,
of course, and the crib rocked a bit, but it had been
built with love, and about a hundred bent nails, and
it would certainly last a long time.

“Now we need some straw,” said mother, and together
they headed out to the car to go searching for some in
the nearby fields. Surprisingly, no one fought over who
was going to sit in the front seat that day as they
drove around the countryside, looking for an empty
field. At last, they spotted a small vacant patch of
land that had been covered with tall grass in summer.
Now, in mid-December, the grass had dried down to
yellow stalks that looked just like real straw.
Mother stopped the car and the kids scrambled out
to pick handfuls of the long grass.

“That’s enough!” mother finally laughed, when she
saw that the cardboard box in the trunk was almost
overflowing. “Remember, it’s only a small crib.” So
home they went, where they spread the straw carefully
on a tray mother had put on the kitchen table. The
empty manger was placed gently on top, and the straw
hid its one short leg.

“When can we pick names!” shouted the children.

“As soon as daddy comes home for dinner,” mother answered.

At the supper table that night, the six names were
written on separate pieces of paper, folded up and
shuffled around in an old baseball hat. Then the
drawing began.

Kelly picked first and immediately started to giggle.
Randi reached into the hat next. Daddy glanced at his
scrap of paper and smiled quietly behind his hand.
Mother picked out a name, but her face never gave away
a clue. Next, little Mike reached into the hat, but
since he couldn’t read yet, daddy had to whisper in his
ear and tell him which name he had picked. Eric was the
last to choose, and as he unfolded his piece of paper,
a frown crossed his face. But he stuffed the name in
his pocket and said nothing. The family was ready to
begin.

The week that followed was filled with surprises. It
seemed the McDonald house had suddenly been invaded by
an army of invisible elves, and good things were
happening everywhere. Kelly would walk into her room
at bedtime and find her little blue nightgown neatly
laid out and her bed turned down. Someone cleaned up
the sawdust under the workbench without being asked.
The jelly blobs disappeared magically from the kitchen
counter after lunch one day while Mother was getting
the mail. And every morning, while Eric was brushing
his teeth, someone crept quietly into his room and
made his bed. It wasn’t made perfectly, but it was made.

“Where are my shoes”? asked daddy one morning. No one
seemed to know, but before he left for work, they were
back in the closet, all shined up.

Mother noticed other changes during that week, too.
The children weren’t teasing or fighting as much. An
argument would start and then suddenly stop for no
good reason. Even Eric and Kelly seemed to be getting
along better. In fact, all the children wore secret
smiles and giggled to themselves at times.

By Sunday, everyone was anxious to pick new names
again, and this time there was even more laughter
and merriment during the picking process, except for
Eric. Once again he unfolded his paper, looked at
it and stuffed it in his pocket without a word.
Mother noticed, but said nothing.

The second week of the game brought more amazing
events. The garbage was taken out without anyone
being asked. Someone even did two of Kelly’s hard
math problems one night when she left her homework
out on the table.

The little pile of straw grew higher and softer.
With only two weeks left until Christmas, the
children wondered if their homemade bed would be
comfortable enough for Baby Jesus.

"Who will be Baby Jesus anyway”? Randi asked on
the third Sunday night after they had all picked
new names.

“Perhaps we can use one of the dolls,” said mother.
“Why don’t you and Mike be in charge of picking out
the right one”?

The two younger children ran off to gather up their
favorite dolls, but everyone else wanted to help
pick Baby Jesus, too. Little Mike dragged his Bozo
the Clown rag doll from his room and proudly handed
it over, sniffling later when everyone laughed. Soon
Eric’s well-hugged teddy bear, Bruffles, joined the
dolls filling up the couch. Barbie and Ken were there,
along with Kermit the Frog, stuffed dogs and lambs,
and even a cuddly monkey that grandma and grandpa
had sent Mike one year. But none of them seemed
quite right.

Only an old baby doll, who had been loved almost to
pieces, looked like a possibility for their Baby Jesus.

“Chatty Baby,” she had once been called, before she
stopped chatting forever after too many baths.

“She looks so funny now,” said Randi, and it was true.
Once while playing beauty shop, Kelly had cut her own
blonde hair along with Chatty Baby’s, giving them both
a raggedy crew cut. Kelly’s hair had eventually grown
back, but Chatty Baby’s never had. Now the wisps of
blonde hair that stuck out all over the doll's head
made her look a little lost and forgotten. But her
eyes were still bright blue and she still had a
smile on her face, even though her face was smudged
here and there by the touch of many chubby little
fingers.

“I think she’s perfect,” said mother. “Baby Jesus
probably didn’t have much hair when he was born
either, and I bet he’d like to be represented by
a doll who’s had so many hugs.”

So the decision was made and the children began
to make a new outfit for their Baby Jesus; a little
leather vest out of some scraps and some cloth
diapers. Best of all, Baby Jesus fit perfectly into
the little crib, but since it wasn’t quite time for
him to sleep there yet, he was laid carefully on a
shelf in the hall closet to wait for Christmas Eve.

Meanwhile, the pile of straw grew and grew. Every
day brought new and different surprises as the secret
elves stepped up their activity. The McDonald home
was finally filled with Christmas spirit. Only Eric
had been unusually quiet since the third week of
name picking.

The final night of name picking was also the night
before Christmas Eve. As the family sat around the
table waiting for the last set of names to be put
in the hat, mother said, “You’ve all done a wonderful
job. There must be hundreds of straws in our crib,
maybe a thousand. You should be so pleased with the
bed you’ve made. But remember, there’s still one
whole day left. We all have time to do a little
more to make the bed even softer before tomorrow
night. Let’s try.”

For the last time, the hat was passed around the
table. Little Mike pulled out a name, and daddy
whispered it to him, just as he had done every
week. Randi unfolded hers carefully under the table,
peeked at it and hunched up her shoulders, smiling.
Kelly reached into the hat and giggled happily
when she saw the name. Mother and daddy each took
their turns, too, and then handed the hat with the
last name to Eric. But as he unfolded the small
scrap of paper and read it, his face pinched up and
he suddenly seemed about to cry. Without a word, he
ran from the room.

Everyone immediately jumped up from the table, but
mother stopped them. “No, stay where you are,” she
said. “Let me talk to him alone first.”

Just as she reached the top of the stairs, Eric’s
door banged open. He was trying to pull his coat
on with one hand while he carried a small suitcase
with the other hand.

“I have to leave,” he said quietly, through his
tears. “If I don’t, I’ll spoil Christmas for everyone!”

"But why? And where are you going”? asked mother.

“I can sleep in my snow fort for a couple of days.
I’ll come home right after Christmas. I promise.”

Mother started to say something about freezing and
snow and no mittens or boots, but Daddy, who was now
standing just behind her, put his hand on her arm and
shook his head. The front door closed, and together
they watched from the window as the little figure with
the sadly slumped shoulders and no hat trudged across
the street and sat down on a snowbank near the corner.
It was very dark outside, and cold, and a few snow
flurries drifted down on the small boy and his suitcase.

“But he’ll freeze!” said mother.

“Give him a few minutes alone,” said dad quietly.
“Then you can talk to him.”

The huddled figure was already dusted with white when
mother walked across the street 10 minutes later and
sat down beside him on the snowbank.

“What is it, Eric? You’ve been so good these last few
weeks, but I know something’s been bothering you since
we first started the crib. Can you tell me, honey”?

“Aw, Mom, don’t you see”? he sniffed. “I tried so hard,
but I can’t do it anymore, and now I’m going to wreck
Christmas for everyone.” With that, he burst into sobs
and threw himself into his mother’s arms.

“But I don’t understand,” mother said, brushing the
tears from his face. “What can’t you do? And how could
you possibly spoil Christmas for us”?

"Mom,” the little boy said through his tears, “you
just don’t understand. I got Kelly’s name all four
weeks! And I hate Kelly! I can’t do one more nice
thing for her or I’ll die! I tried, mom. I really
did. I sneaked in her room every night and fixed her
bed. I even laid out her crummy nightgown. I emptied
her wastebasket, and I did some homework for her one
night when she was going to the bathroom. Mom, I even
let her use my race car one day, but she smashed it
right into the wall like always!”

“I tried to be nice to her, mom. Even when she called
me a stupid dummy because the crib leg was short, I
didn’t hit her. And every week, when we picked new
names, I thought it would be over. But tonight, when
I got her name again, I knew I couldn’t do one more
nice thing for her, mom. I just can’t! And tomorrow’s
Christmas Eve. I’ll spoil Christmas for everybody,
just when we’re ready to put Baby Jesus in the crib.
Don’t you see why I had to leave”?

They sat together quietly for a few minutes, mother’s
arm around the small boy’s shoulders. Only an occasional
sniffle and hiccup broke the silence on the snowbank.

Finally mother began to speak softly, “Eric, I am so
proud of you. Every good thing you did should count as
double because it was especially hard for you to be
nice to Kelly for so long. But you did all those nice
things anyway, one straw at a time. You gave your love
when it wasn’t easy to give. Maybe that’s what the
spirit of Christmas is really all about. If it’s too
easy to give, maybe we’re not really giving much of
ourselves after all. The straws you added were probably
the most important ones, and you should be proud of
yourself.”

“Now, how would you like a chance to earn a few easy
straws like the rest of us? I still have the name I
picked tonight in my pocket, and I haven’t looked at
it yet. Why don’t we switch, just for the last day?
It will be our secret.”

“That’s not cheating”?

“It’s not cheating,” mother smiled.

Together they dried the tears, brushed off the snow
and walked back to the house.

The next day, the whole family was busy cooking and
straightening up the house for Christmas Day,
wrapping last-minute presents and trying hard not
to burst with excitement. But even with all the
activity and eagerness, a flurry of new straws piled
up in the crib, and by nightfall it was overflowing.
At different times while passing by, each member
of the family, big and small, would pause and look
at the wonderful pile for a moment, then smile before
going on. It was almost time for the tiny crib to be
used. But was it soft enough? One straw might still
make a difference.

For that very reason, just before bedtime, mother
tip-toed quietly to Kelly’s room to lay out the
little blue nightgown and turn down the bed. But
she stopped in the doorway, surprised. Someone had
already been there. The nightgown was laid neatly
across the bed and a small red race car rested next
to it on the pillow.

The last straw was Eric’s after all.
--Paula McDonald

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still

have monkeys and apes? ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows

where all the bad girls live. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa lives at the North Pole ... JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters
your heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little
boy (or girl,) what's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He
know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our
history and future and He even knows how many hairs
are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs
broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa is a "jolly old elf"
JESUS is the King of Kings

Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Florida Version
by Unknown

T'was the night before Christmas
and all through the town,
no noses were frozen,
no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms
were adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn't a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,

There weren't any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house....stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.

Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up Highway 436 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Texas style
by Unknown

T'was the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw 'cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was "Geein" and "Hawin", with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."
The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
"To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Cowboy style
by Kelley, David

A Cowboy's Night Before Christmas

'Twas just before Santy came,
the story is told.
Cattle weren't stirrin',
fact they's bunched against the cold.

The tack was hung
near the chuckwagon with care.
Why, we didn't know Santy was
close anywhere.

Cowboys on the ground were
wishin' for their beds
While nightmares of wild steers
ran through their heads.'

Tween now and the next gather,
we needed a nap.
Cookie had just finished, and
tied down the flap.

When out past the cavvy,
there rose such a fuss,
I sprang to my feet,
leavin'the bedroll a muss,

And grabbin' my shotgun
and myragged ol' hat
I run t'ward the racket thinkin'
"...what'n thunder's that?"

When thoughts of amazement
through my head courses,
It was a buckboard teamed up
with draft horses,

A driver in red buckskins,
so spry and dainty,
I know'd in an instant,
it must be ol' Santy.

Quicker than jackrabbits,
them horses they came,
And, he's shoutin' commands
to each one by name...

"Get a step, Joe!. One more, Prince!
On, Big Ed!
Pick it up, Sam! Tighten up, Lou!
On, Old Ned!

Don't spook the cavvy,
back awayfrom them pens,
You're a pullin' this wagon
like abunch of ol' hens!

Now, when I haul on these lines
I mean to stop.
Hold up in this cow-camp
like a ton of cow flop!

"They sat down in their riggin',
like I knew they would,
With a wagon of goodies ...
made of leather and wood.

Then, in a twinklin'
with no further delay,
He said, "Back it up, boys,
this here ain't no sleigh".

I couldn't believe my ears,
and lookin' around,
Off that wagon ol' Santy
came with a bound.

He was short, and his chinks
reached near to his toes.
He was happy and fat,
with a little red nose.

There was a ton of packages
and some new tack,
And, ol' Santy was carryin' it
all on his back.

His eyes sort of bloodshot,
much like a cherry,
From 'rastlin' them horses
clean across the prairie.

His lips was plumb puckered,
his mouth drawn and droll,
(Mine got that way, the day I
swallered my Skoal.)

He was holdin' a piggin' string
tight in his teeth,
Not fer' tie down,
but for tyin''up' a fine wreath.

His head was too big and
he had a round belly,
No doubt derived
from eatin'Texas Chili.

He's chubby and plump all right,
I'd say quite jolly.
I laughed plumb out loud when
I seen him, by golly.

He winked his bloodshot eye,
and spat 'tween his lips,
And, it made me to know we
were all in the chips.

He weren't much for chatter,
just done what was due,
Givin' presents and goodies
to the whole durn crew.

Then, he stuck his finger in
his wee little ear,
Wallered it around and said,
"We're through bein' here".

He fled to the wagon,
and his team called 'em up,
"Come on you swaybacks ...
what's the dad-burn holdup?

We won't be back till next year'
cause we're flat broke.
Merry Christmas, my eye,
I just busted a spoke!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing.
Nerds? Yeah, you bet.

The e-mails were stacked by the inbox with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.

My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!

"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!

He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!

My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.

Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.

But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

'Twas the month after Christmas,
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as only I can
" You can't spend a winter disguised as a man! "
So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip,
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
" Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want to chew only on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Hip Version
"YULESVILLE"

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all thru the pad,
Not a hep cat was swinging
- and that's nowhere, dad,

The stove was hung up
in that stocking routine,
Like, maybe the fat man
would soon make the scene.

The kids that fell by
had just made the street;
I was ready for Snoresville,
and man, was I beat;

When there started a rumble
that came on real frantic,
So I opened the window
to figure the panic.

I saw a slick rod
that was making fat tracks,
Souped up by eight ponies,
all wearing hat racks;

And a funny old geezer
was flipping his lid.
He told them to make it,
and man, like they did!

They were out of the chute,
making time like a bat,
Turning the quarter
in eight seconds flat.

They parked by the smokestack
in bunches and clusters,
And Chubby slid down,
coming on like gangbusters,

His threads were from Cubesville
and I had to chuckle,
In front, not in back,
was his Ivy league buckle!

And the mop on his chin
had a button-down collar,
And with that red nose
he looked like a baller.

Like he was the squarest,
the most absolute,
But let's face it,
who cares when he left all that loot?

He laid the jazz on me
and peeled from the gig,
Wailing, "Have a cool Yule, Man!"
and clutched off in his rig.

+-------------- Bizarre Christmas Traditions --------------+

In Italy they have no Christmas trees. Instead they decorate
small wooden pyramids with fruit.

Ukranians decorate their trees with an artificial spider and
matching web. A spider web found on Christmas morning is
believed to bring good luck.

The citizens of Caracas, Venezuela block off the streets on
Christmas eve so that people can roller-skate to God's house.

It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while
mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the
ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head
of a pig prepared with mustard.

Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes
bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily
printed in red.

In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house
are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches
and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and
would steal their brooms for riding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember my dad was shopping in a toy store. He said,
"That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."

The Clerk said, "Great, I'm sure your son will love it."

Dad said, "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas Downsizing

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to
continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures
are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable
savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is
simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance
during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated
voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis
is underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board
of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix
of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production
rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will
assure management that from now on every goose it
gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number
chosen in better times. Their function is primarily
decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has
been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female
balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.
This function will be phased out as these individuals
grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords
plus the expense of international air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group
with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming
is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution
with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no
uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down
to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people,
fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete,
studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve
days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service
levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association
seeking expansion to include the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may
be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that
happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize
the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right
number.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably
well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other
end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers
blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas
carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously,
and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good
mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason,
had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw
hanging mistletoe.

Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on
some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the
flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe
only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else
to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not
married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly
mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the
place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there." (pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Lori for these:

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally
cut off the tail of her cat who was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-
MART! Why WAL-MART???

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

Positive?

Okay, you asked for it!

WAL-MART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these:

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings
Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing
About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and
Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and
Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to
Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out,
I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy
oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why
is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visit From Uncle Nick
or, "Christmas in South Philly"
or, "'Twas? What da hell kinda word is 'Twas?"

By Steve DiMeo

'Twas da night before Christmas,
You hear what I'm sayin'?
And all through South Philly,
Sinatra's Christmas tunes was playin'.

Da sink was piled high,
Fulla dirty dishes,
From da big Italian meal
Of gravy and seven fishes.

Da brats were outta hand
From eatin' too much candy.
We told them to go to bed
Or there wouldn't be no Santy.

And me in my sweatpants,
Da wife's hair fulla rollers,
Plopped our butts on the sofa
To fight over remote controllers.

When out in da shtreet,
There was all dis friggin' noise.
It sounded like a mob hit,
Ya' know, by Merlino and his boys.

I trew open da stormdoor
To look and see who's who.
Like a nosy little old lady
Who's got nuttin' better to do.

In da windows of da rowhomes
Stood white tinsel trees.
And those stupid moving dolls
You get on sale at Kindy's.

When what should I see,
Comin' from afar.
But fat Uncle Nick
In his big ole Towne Car.

He was swervin' and cursin',
Givin' all da gas he got;
As he barreled up the shtreet,
Looking for a spot.

More faster than Santa,
My drunk Uncle came;
Wit' a car full of relatives,
All drunk just the same.

"Yo Angie! Ay Dino!
Vic, Gina, and Pete,"
He yelled out there names,
Then spit a loogee in da shtreet

"I can't find no spot nowheres,"
Pissed off, he said.
So he double-parked the Lincoln,
And came in to hit da head.

As he hugged me, he burped,
And passed a loada gas.
It stunk up da house,
Like a rotten sea bass.

His coat was pure cashmere,
His pinky ring shined;
His toupee was all twisted,
The front was now behind.

He ran up to da bathroom,
Bangin' pictures wit' his hips.
Never lettin' da smelly stogie
Fall from his lips.

With eyes oh so bloodshot,
And a butt, oh so flabby;
In walked Aunt Angie,
All dolled-up and crabby.

D 'jeat yet?" she asked,
As she thundered to da kitchen;
"All da calamari's gone?"
Aunt Angie started bitchin'.

In came Cousin Gina,
In Guess jeans too tight.
She was bathed in Obsession,
Her hair reached new height.

In strut Cousins Dino, Little Petey
and Big Vic;
Shovin' pizzelles down their throats,
It was makin' me sick.

I said, "What da hell
Are all youse people doin?"
Not one of them answered,
They was too busy chewin'.

Uncle Nick came down at last.
His face was beet red
"Sorry I missed da toilet.
I pissed in the bathtub instead."

That was it, I had had it.
I yelled, "Get the hell out."
Uncle Nick looked real puzzled.
Cousin Gina started to pout.

Wit' that they mumbled curses,
And opened a Strawbridge's bag.
And fumbled 'round to find da gift
Wit' our name on da tag.

I then felt kinda stupid,
As I thanked them for their gift.
But they stormed out da stormdoor,
All of them miffed.

We tore open da paper
That was taped on and on.
It was a bottle of Sambuca,
And half of it was gone.

But I heard him yelling
As he slammed on da gas.
"Merry Christmas, ya ingrate!
You can kiss my ass!"

Yo. Happy Holidays, a'ight?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
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If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 20

2007-10-29T13:56:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 20 October 29, 2007

Yikes is that spooky time of the year again. Are you
into the whole Halloween thing? Lots of cool things on
my website here:
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Halloween.html

This site’s calculator compares your positions on the
issues with those of all the candidates (some of whom
I have never heard of) and determines with whom you
are most aligned. I think it is accurate.

Confused about who to support for President? You already
do support someone... you just don't know who yet.

http://www.vajoe.com/candidate_calculator.html

Just in time for Halloween
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Fake-Blood

In their ongoing quest to "celebrate the unusual,
honor the imaginative -- and spur people's interest
in science, medicine and technology" the Ig Nobel
Awards were given this month. See the winners and
their field of expertise here:
http://improbable.com/

Amazing painting recreated with pumpkins
http://www.kuhnewer.com/paintings/paintings.htm

50 fantastic musician pumpkins
http://www.kuhnewer.com/thumbs/a_to_z%20pumpkins_2004.htm

LabPixies is a free online directory for web gadgets
available for personalized homepages like Google,
Live.com, Netvibes and Pageflakes, and can also be
embedded on most blogs and web pages.
http://www.labpixies.com/

Clean up your online reputation - here's how
http://career-advice.monster.com/job-search-essentials/How-to-Clean-Up-Your-Online-Reputat/home.aspx?WT.mc_n=MNL000283

This will help you kill some time
http://www.wikihow.com/Look-Busy-at-Work-Without-Really-Working

100 Best Blogs from PC World
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,133119/article.html

Need a new signature for your email? Over 400 here:
http://coolsig.com/

COUPON SAVINGS
http://www.judysbook.com/

Save money on energy with an energy audit
http://www.thestreet.com/s/how-hiring-an-energy-inspector-can-save-you-money/newsanalysis/clean-energy-news/10384728.html

10 Legal Ways to Find Cheap Music
http://www.thestreet.com/s/10-legal-ways-to-find-cheap-music/funds/saving-money/10385067.html

Games, E-Cards and of course the comic strip
http://www.snoopy.com/comics/peanuts/fun_and_games/game_gallery.html

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the
wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule.
~~ Stephen King

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
before you get tired. ~~ Jules Renard

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
~~ Albert Einstein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without
taste. ~~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty
small package. ~~ John Ruskin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
~~ Albert Einstein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately
unrehearsed. ~~ Sean O'Casey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only people who find what they are looking for in life
are the fault finders. ~~ Foster's Law

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~~ Mae West

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
~~ Don Marquis

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Lori for these:

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I
got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the work had been completed a whole year
ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that
I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast
talking sales guy had told me last year,..... That in ONE
YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up.... he never called back. Guess I won
that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his
sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to
call multiple times before he would even answer the phone".

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the
druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more
than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a
minute, listen to my side of it.

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
getting up. "I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both
house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get
my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I
had a flat tire. "When I finally got to the store there
was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the
store opened and started waiting on these people, and all
the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook".

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled
all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees
to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still
ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and
broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She
wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer
there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists
have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -
bacteria found in feces.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &
beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because
alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of you know what.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A very self-important University of Pittsburgh freshman,
attending the Pitt - Penn State football game, took it
upon himself to explain to a Senior Citizen sitting next
to him why it was impossible for the older generation to
understand his generation. "You grew up in a different
world, actually an almost primitive one," the student
said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The
young people of today grew up with television, jet planes,
space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have
visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen
cars, computers with light-speed processing ......and,"
pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's
litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those
things when we were young........so we invented them.
Now, you arrogant little brat, what are you doing for the
next generation?"

The applause was resounding...
Gotta love those Senior Citizens!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

The Seniors Breakfast Special
**********************************
I LOVE this one.....it will make your day. ----
Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll
appreciate it!! Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!!
It pays to think outside the box!

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the
"seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the
eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-
nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,"
the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?"
my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special then." my wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the
block more than once.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every year, English teachers from across the
country can submit their collections of similes
and metaphors found in high school essays. These
excerpts are published each year to the amusement
of teachers across the country by http://www.manbottle.com/humor/Take_five_minutes_and_chuckle

Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without
Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
from experience, like a guy who went blind because
he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers
of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli,
and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years
had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity
came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the
pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement
like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The
whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like
when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose
hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just
like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each
other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood
with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's
teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like
two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind
like a steel trap, only one that had been left
out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind
you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually
lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at
a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers
chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage
truck backing up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way
to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $ 100.
People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can
still be your friend.
You NEVER see the dust accumulating.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for
all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 19

2007-09-30T10:54:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 19 September 30, 2007

Wow does time fly. Here we are in fall with the leaves
brilliant and the sky a clear blue in the background.
Where do the days go? I finally will have more time for
this and other things I like to do now that I am only
working 5 days a week outside the home. Whoohoo!

Catch the article in the NY Times on Ikea hacking
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/06/garden/06hackers.html

and the blog they mention for some cool ideas
http://ikeahacker.blogspot.com/

A place to buy and sell homemade things
http://www.etsy.com/

Ever wonder about slang (particularly foreign slang)?
http://slang.otheday.com/

Starting to think "Made in the USA" is no joke?
http://www.stillmadeinusa.com/

What a riot this is: I was talking to Sheila and she was
saying she found Crypt Magazine while surfing and that
it has cool recipes. Imagine my surprise to find this:
http://www.cryptmagazine.com/index2.html

but finally I found what she was looking at here:
http://thecryptmag.com/phpnuke/modules.php?name=magazine

"Every keystroke on your computer is there, forever
and ever," Mr. Mulvaney said. he had one bit of advice.
"The only thing you can truly erase these things with
is a specialty Smith & Wesson product," he said. "Throw
your computer into the air and play skeet with it."

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's
more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody has the same size bucket.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The future, according to some scientists, will be
exactly like the past, only far more expensive.
~~ John Sladek

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history,
is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and
rebellion that progress has been made.
~~ Oscar Wilde

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states
that something is possible, he is almost certainly right.
When he states that something is impossible, he is very
probably wrong. ~~ Arthur C. Clarke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What you risk reveals what you value.
~~ Jeanette Winterson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As long as people will accept crap, it will be
financially profitable to dispense it.
~~ Dick Cavett

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,
their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have
turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up an office in
my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I
look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something
I can use to write proposals, track expenses and
run my business. what do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything

?ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if
you don't start with some straight answers. What
about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

St Peter is walking around heaven looking for God.
He hasn't seen God for 6 days. Finally, on the
seventh day St. Peter sees God sitting in a lawn
chair drinking iced tea. St. Peter walks up to Him
and asks where has He been. God explains to St. Peter
that He has been busy making the universe.

St. Peter asks if he could see it. God takes St. Peter
by the hand and they go to look at God's creation. St.
Peter is admiring everything God has created when he
notices an amazingly beautiful blue planet.

"What is that?" St. Peter asks.

"Oh", says God, "That's what I call Earth. That is my
most perfect creation."

"What makes it so perfect?" St. Peter asks.

God explains to St Peter that Earth is perfect because
it is balanced. He has the Sahara Desert where it is
very dry, which is balanced by the Amazon Rainforest
which is very wet. He made Mt. Everest which is very
high and the Marianas Trench which is very deep.

God is listing off more examples when St. Peter spots
a most idyllic area. "Lord, what do you call that
paradise over there?"

"That, my child" says the Lord,"is my most perfect of
all my creations. It is perfect in every way. I call
it Wisconsin!"

"But Lord, asks St. Peter, what did you do to balance
out paradise?

"The Lord replies, "Take a close look St. Peter. See
how I surrounded it with Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota.........."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idle Thoughts Of A Wandering Mind

I planted some bird seed
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it

********************

I had amnesia once---or twice

********************

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Now what?

********************

Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make
me happy.

********************

If the world were a logical place, men would be the

ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

********************

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge
his car onto the freeway.

********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything
else is gone.

********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

********************

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?

********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do
you explain whales?

********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

********************

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS TO PONDER

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always
starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will
make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all.
4. Seatbelts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're
in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they
demonstrate how many people a company can operate
without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who
wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more
publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this: no one ever says "It's only a game"
when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're
going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos?
(And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in
every joint, you are probably dead.

I can add one more!
How is it that a little boy who is deathly afraid of needles
has to have piercings when he turns 18?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a
play date."Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the
mother replied."It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions
and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get
a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"The
exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin
to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl
says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her
drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you
find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in
heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know
why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife as really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200
in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She
opened it and found a brand new Bathroom Scale. Ed
has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 18

2007-08-27T13:53:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 18 August 27, 2007

Thanks to Dan & Erin for this great video about WalMart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C9s4GcQbvE

Have you heard of Pocket Shots?
http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/magazine/15-09/st_pocketshots

Can Nicotine benefit humanity
http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2007/06/nicotine

The next Erma Bombeck (be prepared to laugh out loud)
http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/

Free Online Storage and Sharing Website. Think music, pics,
video or just plain files. PC World likes it, why wouldn't you?
http://www.4shared.com/

Powerful new tools let you search for free software and music,
zoom in on landmarks and buildings, and add comments to news
stories. Part 1 of a special five-part series by Steve Bass.
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,136164/article.html

Penny Postcards from all over the country
http://www.rootsweb.com/~usgenweb/special/ppcs/ppcs.html

They also show a cool list of how names have changed for
occupations over the years
http://ftp.rootsweb.com/pub/usgenweb/wi/jefferson/misc/oldoccup.txt

Happiness at work is a strange idea to many people, who
have gotten used to the idea that work is unpleasant,
tough and hard. Trust me, it doesn’t need to be that way at
all...says the author of this site
http://positivesharing.com/

A sandwich blog. Did you observe sandwich month?
http://www.keaggy.com/sandwich/

Comix
http://bigwhitebear18.googlepages.com/archive

Although many of their items are for sale there are
many worthwhile articles available to read free here
http://www.loveandlogic.com/articles.html

To get some ideas to turn your bath into a spa
http://www.wisebread.com/spa-bathrooms-on-the-cheap

If you like http://www.52projects.com/52_projects/

Fun on the Web vol 6 Issue 17

2007-08-06T10:11:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 17 August 6, 2007

25 THINGS TO ENJOY IN BOSTON FOR UNDER $25
http://www.explorenewengland.com/travel?photo_gallery=/massachusetts/towns/boston/galleries/25_under_25_summer

$1.63 TAX BILL
http://www.redorbit.com/news/oddities/1002146/couple_may_lose_home_over_163_tax_bill/index.html?source=r_oddities

SAD DAY FOR SHOW CAR OWNERS
http://www.redorbit.com/news/oddities/1003479/unknown_spray_damages_over_300_show_cars/index.html?source=r_oddities

http://www.local6.com/news/index.html
THEN CLICK Strangest Images, Stories Of 2007
(on bottom third of the page)

Create your own smiley
http://www.thelolfamily.com/

100 Best Movies Ever Slideshow
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_172095014

More Movie Greats
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_179135553
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_184120011

Slideshow of NY City Landmarks - Take a Trip in your Chair
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_209100840

Wacky and Outrageous Celebrity Comments
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_073173134

THERE ARE PUZZLES AND THEN THERE ARE PUZZLES
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/main.jhtml;jsessionid=G4HTVYFDKKTSNQFIQMGSFFWAVCBQWIV0?xml=/travel/2007/07/14/et-france-treasure-114.xml&DCMP=ILC-traffdrv07053100

SO CUTE
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=469379&in_page_id=1811
http://www.channel3000.com/slideshow/boredroom/10672929/detail.html
http://www.channel3000.com/slideshow/wisctv/10671816/detail.html

AND NOT SO CUTE
http://www.channel3000.com/slideshow/style/13664124/detail.html
http://www.channel3000.com/slideshow/style/13368624/detail.html

Interesting Recipes
http://www.garfield.com/about/kitchen.html

Fun Stuff to Make
http://craftzine.com/projects/

hmmm buy and sell homemade items http://www.etsy.com/index.php

Baby Animal Games for the Kid in All of Us
http://www.babyanimalz.com/Games.php
http://www.squiglysplayhouse.com/Games/Quizzes/Animals/BabyAnimals.html
http://biology.usgs.gov/features/kidscorner/quizzes/bbynme.html
http://www.cleverisland.com/free_games/baby_animals/index.asp

Baby Animal Book
http://cgcreations.org/babyanimals/index.html

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
T. S. Eliot

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An expert is a person who avoids small error as he
sweeps on to the
grand fallacy. ~~ Benjamin Stolberg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
~~ Rudyard Kipling

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding
address. ~~ Lane Olinghouse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A great many people think they are thinking when they
are really rearranging their prejudices. ~~ William James

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. ~~ John
Lehman Secretary of the Navy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-
day basis. ~~ Margaret Bonnano

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lie told often enough becomes the truth. ~~ Lenin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole
cause of all our adversities. ~~ Sophocles

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things you Should Know but Probably Don't

1. The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.

2. The longest one-syllable word in the English language
is screeched.

3. Skepticism is the longest word that alternates hands
when you are typing.

4. Tom Cruise, Cher, Henry Winkler, Sarah Miles, Jackie
Stewart. Walt Disney, Whoopi Goldberg, Thomas Edison,
Leonardo da Vinci, Richard Branson, Guy Ritchie, Tommy
Hilfiger, Liv Tyler, Robbie Williams and Ozzy Osbourne
have all suffered with dyslexia.

5. Rice paper contains not a grain of rice.

6. Great Danes come from Germany, not Denmark.

7. A quarter of the 206 bones in the human body are in
the foot.

8. The average person sleeps about 220,000 hours (or
just over 25 years) in a lifetime.

9. When we blush, our stomach lining also turns red.

10. Your tongue print is as unique as your fingerprints.

11. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

12. There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee;
of those, only 26 have been tested, and half of them caused
cancer in rats.

13. Cut an onion in half, rub it on the sole of your foot, and
a half an hour later you'll taste onion in your mouth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Classic Steven Wright Wisdoms to Ponder:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect
it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.

10- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before
we met.

11- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

12- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

13- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

14- When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

15- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the sense
to be lazy.

16- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?

17- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get s--ked into
jet engines.

18- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

19- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder."

20- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.

22- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.

23- The problem with the gene pool is that there is
no lifeguard.

24- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just
don't have film.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How To Drive In Jersey-------------------------

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is
New-erk not New-ark.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon.

The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is
85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less
is considered "Wussy."

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey
has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/
trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop;
the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However,
in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking
moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another
offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in
all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for
your entertainment pleasure during the middle of
the night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks,
skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-
neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other
road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these
items.

9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads
are where they say they are or go where they say
they do and all the Turnpike ez pass lanes are moved
each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave
them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it
has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a
55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard
and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the
flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave
Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by
noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on
Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Interesting Observations

If men can run the world, why can't they stop
wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
the day by tying a noose around your neck?

A friend of mine confused her valium with her
birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she
doesn't really care.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only
need a parachute to skydive twice.

The only trouble with baptists is that they don't
hold them under long enough.

There are people who are trying to put a stop to
sex on tv. The truth of the matter is, the only time
that sex on the tv hurts, is when you fall off!

Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there
is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be
found and stopped.

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment
world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey"
died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble
putting the body in the casket. They'd put his left
leg in . . . well, you know the rest.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly,
much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.

Boycott shampoo ~ demand real poo instead!

Most people go through life believing, and claiming
(often quite loudly) that they are indeed, playing
with a full deck. Take note of those making this
claim, and I'm sure that you will see, most of
them are wrong - the majority are, at the very
least, still a "jerk off "!

I May Be Schizophrenic, But At Least I Have Each
Other, And When I Am Alone I Am Together

Mirrors Don't Talk But Lucky For You They Don't
Laugh Either.

On The Road Of Life, Don't Forget To Stop And
Eat The Roses

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean
that morality comes from morons?

I found god . . . he was behind the sofa the whole
time.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted,
clicked his spurs and rode off.

Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for
valuable prizes.

You found God? If no one claims him in 30 days,
he's yours.

Total rejection is when even your hand falls asleep!

I have a perfect body ~ unfortunately, it's in the
trunk of my car and it's starting to stink.

I have a detached retina, well, actually it's not really
detached, it's more emotionally unavailable.

I solved my drinking problem. I joined A.A., I still
drink but I use a different name now to do so.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all
of it's students.

Life...it's sexually transmitted and always fatal, so
don't take it so seriously, it's only temporary. No
one gets out alive!

Jesus saves ....and redeems for valuable prizes.

I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.

If going to church makes you a christian ~ does
going into the garage make you a car?

A lot of people think that jugglers are very talented.
Me, I always wonder if they aren't just schizophrenics
playing catch.

Before you criticize someone...walk a mile in their
shoes-that way if they get pissed you'll be a mile
away and they'll be barefoot.

Why don't you slip into something a little more
comfortable? (Like a coma.)

Beauty is only skin deep; it's really gross under that.

Did you hear about the new teenage Barbie? You
wind it up and it resents you.

If people from Holland are called "Poles", why don't
we call people from Holland "Holes"?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Truth hurts-but not as much as jumping onto a bike
with a missing seat

Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second
knock it's probally a Jehovah's witness.

Jesus saves . . . passes to Moses . . . he shoots . . .
and he scores!

Why do we call someone who plays the piano a
pianist, but someone who drives a race-car is not
called a racist?

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Always remember, Above all else: Sky.

Does your little brain ever get lonely in your big head?

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with
my inner sociopath.

Friends pick you up when you fall, real friends laugh'
cuz they're the ones who tripped you to begin with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

Where to Live After Retirement

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because
you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt
from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and
never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that " dry heat" is comparable to what
hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't
afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going
down your driveway.
3 . You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your
neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is,
you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and
Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know
you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how
to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but
can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in
their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup,
and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than
eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost
winter, and construction

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob,
Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your
$500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his
way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have
a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor
knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to
pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C"
on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's
my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place,
you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind --
even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent
dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the
state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless
people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for these:

for 2007 For all of you with any money left, be aware
of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on
the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for
these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics,
Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and
become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta
Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner
Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and
become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to
become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization
of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally ...9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson
will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And with a subject line of "Something to Offend Everyone"

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry
virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and
a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck
schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays
and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed
class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do! you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say
the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and
a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for this one:

Jay says: The government is getting to be like a bad
production of The Wizard of Oz...
Cheney needs a heart, Gonzales needs come courage,
and Bush needs a brain!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Fun on the Web vol 6 Issue 16

2007-07-23T10:10:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 16 July 23, 2007

Well the long awaited final chapters in the Harry Potter
series were finally made public and the next two links
deal with the book so don't peak if you think it will spoil
it for you. Of course if you have already read it. . .read on.

Review from the NYTimes
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/18/books/18cnd-potter.html

What fun
http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/article2112840.ece

What to do if your identity or wallet are stolen? Before and
after tips are here on Not Martha
http://www.notmartha.org/archives/2007/07/04/stop-thief/#more-2134

Wondering about Linked In or Facebook? Here is a great
description with examples:
http://ziffdavisitlink.leveragesoftware.com/blog_post_view.aspx?BlogPostID=bece013c223d4ef5ad0334ebd7350ede

Great Video http://baynhamtyers.com/index.html?http://baynhamtyers.com/Services/Business_Image/image_viral_frameset.html?http://baynhamtyers.com/contraptionII.html http://www.boingboing.net/2007/06/26/index.html

PC World announces their picks for 100 Best Websites http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,133119-page,2-c,sites/article.html

Does anyone know of any WI equivalent?http://www.reuters.com/article/inDepthNews/idUSN0530157720070619
New age town embraces dollar alternative

"a conservative encyclopedia you can trust."??? That
remains to be seen
http://www.conservapedia.com/

Thanks to Mike for sending me to this interesting writer:
http://www.violentacres.com/most-popular-posts

Spooky
http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/mindread/psychicSparkle2.swf

More Sudoku - this is a free program
http://komando.com/downloads/category.aspx?id=2307

More games
http://www.miniclip.com/games/en/webmaster-games.php

Do you save points?
http://www.pointmaven.com/

or Miles use these sites to get the most out of them
http://www.milemaven.com/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you
don't play, you can't win. ~~ Robert Heinlein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd
have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled
for very little. - George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patience is passion tamed. ~~ Lyman Abbott

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of
old age, but they die young. ~~ A.W. Pinero

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anything too stupid to be said is sung. - Voltaire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.
- George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Points to Ponder

Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

"Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless
acts of self-control."

Does killing time damage eternity?

All the world's a stage, and I missed rehearsal.

Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed!

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

RAM Disk is not an installation procedure.

All Wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.

'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can
cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop
licking, the frog gets depressed again.

If we all are here to help others, then what exactly are
others here for?

Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.

Next time someone asks,'Did you sleep well?' answer them
with your most sincere 'No, I made a couple of mistakes.'
and watch their reaction.'

If a tin whistle is made out of tin, then what, exactly, is a fog
horn made out of?

If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops
up the next Kleenex in the box?

I have to stop now. My fingers are getting hoarse!

If I save time, when do I get it back?

May I please be excused? My Brain is full.

My family coat of arms ties at the back.....is that normal?

My other computer is an abacus.

Whadya mean my grandparents didn't have any kids!?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This blonde and her girlfriend were talking about the usual
thing blondes and their girlfriends talk about over a latte at
Starbuck's.

"My boyfriend just has the most awful dandruff," confided
the blonde.

"Have you ever given him Head and Shoulders?," her
empathetic gal friend asked earnestly.

"MMMMmmmmmmmmmm," the blonde pondered.

"How do you give shoulders?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coach's Instructions - A must read for Grandparents. Those
who aren't will love it, too.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-
old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what
cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or
lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out
is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or
call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so
another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship
to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all
that to your grandmother".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these:

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In

Victoria's Secret:

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?

#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

#7 Mom will love this.

#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

#4 Will you model this for me???

#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

And the number one thing that a man should never,
ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

#1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your ass into that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let there be lightning
A bolt of lightning blew the hand and part of a foot off a
marble statue hundreds worship every Sunday at a
Catholic summer camp for orphans in Golden, Colorado.
Thankfully, the organization that runs the camp has
insurance for the valuable statute - which was brought
from Italy to the US by a Saint in 1954...

But ironically, the policy may not cover damage from "acts
of God." The camp's Sisters are taking donations to help
repair the damage until insurance officials can make the
determination. Whether the strike was punishment from
The Almighty for un-absolved sins of camp attendees or
staff may never be known.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lettuce not be victims Bravo to Briton George Smith, the
82-year-old pensioner who really used his "head" to foil a
gun-toting store robber. The WWII veteran octogenarian
belted the would-be bandit twice in the face - with an iceberg
lettuce he grabbed off the shelf!

Dazed by the vegetable barrage, the shotgun-wielding thief
fled the scene, escaping British police - on a bicycle! According
to The Sun UK, he is believed to be the same crook who
made off with £1000 in one of 3 earlier robberies with the
same MO. Hmmm. Four attempted robberies by a man
carrying a shotgun and riding a BIKE. No arrests. Gotta
love that British SWAT response...

The man in the un-ironed mask
Only in West Virginia. According to an Associated Press article
from May 10, a thief armed only with one of those cigarette
lighters that looks like a derringer tried to rob a convenience
store in the Mountain State town of Inwood... He didn't get
away with any money because the clerk behind the counter
thought the robbery attempt was a joke - but NOT because
of the obviously fake lighter-gun. It's because the robber
was wearing a pair of light blue women's panties on his head
as a mask!

Police apprehended a suspect a short time later in a vehicle
matching the car the "masked" man drove off in. Whether
or not they made him stand in a lineup with the panties on
his head is unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Fun on the Web vol 6 Issue 15

2007-07-01T10:09:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 15 July 1, 2007

What happened to June? I blinked and it was over. Or maybe
I was in a trance. Who knows?

What is the Right Wing up to now?
http://www.rightwingwatch.org/

Find cheap gas with your cell phone
http://www.getmobio.com/

Just in case you missed stopping to smell the roses in June
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ny/planttherapy/planttherapy-june-is-the-month-of-roses-025558

For more check out Googles Image Gallery
http://images.google.com/images?q=roses&hl=en&um=1&sa=X&oi=images&ct=title

Good Grief! Captain America died. Now what will we do?
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070701/D8Q3O5CO0.html

Tips for parents of small kids
http://www.momready.com/articles/index.asp?Category=Tips

Since its summer try some quick and easy meals
http://recipes.bhg.com/recipes/mealideas/searchResults.jsp?searchTerm=9&searchType=theme

Age discrimination blog here
http://agediscrimination.blogspot.com/

Grumblebum - Free programs, useful sites, hints and tips
to reduce those grumbles!
http://www.grumblebum.net/

Create, edit and access files from anywhere over the Web
http://www.thinkfree.com/common/main.tfo

Professor Stephen Hawkings website
http://hawking.org.uk/

Its the time of the year for outdoor events and you may
need to bring an item. Check out this fruit bouquet!
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Fruit-Bouquet

Makeup reviews
http://www.makeupalley.com/

Welcome to the universe of Caricature Zone.
http://www.magixl.com/heads/index.html

Just in time for potato salad season
http://www.wikihow.com/Peel-an-Egg-Quickly
http://www.wikihow.com/Peel-a-Boiled-Potato

Lots and lots of trivia
http://www.funtrivia.com/

Amazing collection of gifs for posting to forums, My Space,
or websites - its in a foreign language but just click to see
http://www.gify.nou.cz/index.htm

Great photos from PC World's Digital Focus Hot Shots for 2007
http://new.photos.yahoo.com/davejoh975/album/576460762342590023

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious
~~ Peter Ustinov

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it
with a club. ~~ Jack London

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is
constantly making exciting discoveries. ~~ AA Milne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
~~ Ethel Mumford

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I
gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take
more than one night.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~~ Henry Cate VII

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
~~ Tom Robbins

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute
powerlessness make you pure? ~~ Harry Shearer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to
get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up
his hand and George asks him his name."Stanley," responds
the little boy."And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without UN support?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2
of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh,
that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him
out and asks him his name. "Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without UN support?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2
of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The North and South

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-
on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first
names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay
out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y' all" is singular, "all yawl" is plural, and "all
y'all's" is plural possessive

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.
They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted

Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or
"big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-
influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer
proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this,"
you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the
last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at
the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need
anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own
shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas
taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush
green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we
will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens
in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN...

• Your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

• All of your friends have an @ in their names.

• You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
through Excite.

• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check
it again.

• Your phone bill is delivered in a box.

• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

• You forget what year it is.

• You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is
allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would
be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and
I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another
gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked
her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You
really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.

"NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE,
ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a
baby so he went before the congregation and asked
for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded,
so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and
the congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling
and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
"Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in
her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God,
but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1. There's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and
the owner is nowhere to be found?

2. You buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls,
and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine
answer?

3. There's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they
have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

4. You're reading a magazine and all those annoying
little subscription cards keep falling out?

5. You tell someone that a door is locked and they try
to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and
not you.

6. Someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and
then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

7. A friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!"
and then tells you to try some.

8. You have to inform five different sales people in
the same store that you're just looking around.

9. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom
doorknob to get out.

10. A waiter or waitress is not around at any time
other than right after you put food in your mouth.

11. Your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire
when all you want is a pressure reading.

12. The dog in your neighborhood that barks at
EVERYTHING.

13. The power goes out, and you discover every
flashlight you have has dead batteries.

14. Someone gets in the express lane at the
supermarket and writes a check.

15. The elevator stops at every floor and nobody
gets on.

16. You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files
but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and
you lose everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Barb for these:

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is
unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his
doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said,
he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a
flash with billowing blue\smoke. Then he says, "This
is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for
as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I
don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies:
"All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it
will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again
for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He
showers and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He
gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He
suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life
... just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who
had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did
you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you should never end a
sentence with a preposition.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64
charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a
mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became
indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she
was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money
back again ...same scenario! I departed the store with the
$46.64. This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd
and Parmer Lane................They Walk Among Us

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over
at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'

'They're already buy-one-get-one-free', she said, 'so I guess
they're both free' She handed me my free sandwiches and I
walked out the door..........They Walk Among Us

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends
when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?
...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate
agent which direction was north because, he explained, he
didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked,
'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained
that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with that stuff.'
.........................They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what
hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number
you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.'

He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting
to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'...........
They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to
cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps
it in the trunk................They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that
the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party,
we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount................They Walk
Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman
there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told
me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your
plane arrived yet?'..............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone
and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'...............
Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND They Reproduce, AND they VOTE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 14

2007-05-20T10:02:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 14 May 20, 2007

Ok I am going to try to get back to normal now. First I was
working extra hours at work while getting ready for house
guests at home. The kids came from out east and we had a
great time. We also had a postal increase so I have been
trying to revise all my listings on Ebay. Outside of being
tired its time to get back to the normal schedule of things.

Gas saving tips
http://jalopnik.com/cars/and-you-will-know-us-by-the-trail-of-parts/gas-saving-tips-for-flummoxed-drivers-261618.php

We all like a bargin but do you know what you should never
buy used? Here is a list from MSN Money: http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/FindDealsOnline/10ThingsYouShouldNeverBuyUsed.aspx?wa=wsignin1.0

Who's on the Time Magazine's Most Influential List and maybe
more important who isn't
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070503/D8OSSOOO0.html

The official list
http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/time100/article/0,28804,1595326_1595332,00.html

Did anyone's kids see this giant faux paux? You just have to watch
what they watch.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070502/D8OSFKFO1.html

Somebody should sue this guy for being a pain in the pants
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070503/D8OSRVJO0.html

The idea is to complete 50 craft or art projects of your choice
during 2007. (That's less than one project a week!)
http://community.livejournal.com/50projects07/

That's just one of the 105 members currently participating
in this great project. To get some great craft ideas or to join
http://community.livejournal.com/50projects07/profile

10 Reasons to Eat Locally
http://fogcity.blogs.com/jen/2005/08/10_reasons_to_e.html

You just have to love these guys and the tips they come up with:
http://lifehacker.com/software/organization/organize-your-rewarddiscountmembership-cards-234306.php

This is a group blog written by authors who are interested in
the benefits of eating food grown & produced in their local area.
http://www.eatlocalchallenge.com/

Remember Twin Peaks? David Lynch may not have become
a household name when his innovative television series aired
around the world for two seasons in the early nineties but he
sure has some interesting art phases.
http://thecityofabsurdity.com/index.html

These photos will have been taken that day, and each day will
be a different person. Some will be in the studio, some will be
in the wild. Hopefully they will all be interesting.
http://www.365portraits.com/

Dress Britany for the Funny Farm
http://www.heavy.com/dressup/britneyspears/index.php?partner=aff50

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style."
~~ Quentin Crisp

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much
money."
~~ Robin Williams

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The statistic on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think
of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I
gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take
more than one night.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OBSERVATIONS:

"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than
you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"

"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of
Our Country."

"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is
cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."

"Swimming is not a sport, swimming is a way to keep from
drowning! That's just common sense!"

"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day,"
I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have
all day?"

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots
wore helmets."

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"Experience is the name every one gives to their
mistakes."

"There is only one thing in life worse than being
talked about, and that is not being talked about."

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either."

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently
three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than
any invention in human history -- with the possible
exceptions of handguns and tequila."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light
into a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an
instant dislike to it and at the next yard sale, it was the
first thing she put out.

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check
it out and finally bought it.

"That'll look great in your home," I said.

"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me. My bridge club is having
a charity sale and we were asked to bring the most hideous
thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why My Dog Won't Use a Computer

1. Can't stick his head out of Windows `98

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

3. Too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

4. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears,
"You've got mail."

5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.

7. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

9. "Sit" and "Stay" were hard enough;
"Delete" and "Save" are out of the question!

10. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOoTgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
("Too hard to type with paws!")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete"
and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and
control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette
to recover from a crash.

We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on "back".

Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".

If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was really surprised when I stumbled on this on one of my
web wanderings, as I have been looking for my copy for quite
some time. I went on a bus trip with my Mom and two of my
aunts, many years ago, and they had this in a magazine that
they available to pass the time on the long ride. I read it
quietly to my Mom, who then insisted that I repeat it for her
sisters, sitting behind us. While doing so, as quietly as I could,
of course, I was still overheard. Needless to say, before I could
think of anyway out of doing so, the agent running the trip,
and the bus driver, had a microphone stuck in my face insisting
that I repeat it one more time, so they could all enjoy it, as they
had a hard time understanding it themselves when trying to
read it. Many of the other guests who were traveling with us
said that now, upon hearing me read it, it all seemed to suddenly
make sense. They were all enjoying it and laughing so hard
that no one even noticed just how embarrassed I was at the
time, See if you can make sense of the following exchange...

TENDJEWBERRYMUD

Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the end
of the conversation...... Read aloud for best results.

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a
while after reading this.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest
and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo
one toes 'means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'Fine.

Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy,
singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Golden Books That Never Made It:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curios George and the High Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets A Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. You Were An Accident
19. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
20. Pop! Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games
21. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
22. Your Nightmares are Real
23. Where would You Like To Be Buried?
24. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
25. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
26. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one
hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes,
and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few
friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via
the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on
the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for
email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if
it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget
to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is windows a virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down
the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system
is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. -
Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are
fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by
their authors, are running on most systems, their program
code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become
more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the HELL is wrong with
you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I’m driving.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've
used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was
the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new
white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started
to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started
becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and
somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I
grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my
surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came
by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were
negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no
longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without
being a murder suspect! I thank you, again, for having a great
product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Robin for these:

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces,
this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call,
you didn't write!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls
like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to
get that schmutz off the
ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card are you? Show me!
Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap
like other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac,
you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" Oka y, so I'm proud that you invented the electric
light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man,
midnight is long past your bedtime!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph, and you couldn't have done
something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert schmesert!! Where have you really been for the
last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 13

2007-04-23T21:55:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 13 April 23, 2007

Boy it sure has taken me some time to get this one together!
Working my butt off as usual so just no time. Now if I could
just dictate this while I was driving down the highway then I
could publish daily.

BTW Happy Easter, Happy Earth Day and would someone put
Sheryl Crow out of her misery please?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/6583067.stm

Bless this little old lady for demonstrating the proper use of a
handgun
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8OKT5S00&show_article=1

Thanks to Erin for this:

There is a crisis in health freedom. On April 30, 2007 the FDA
will close the public comment period on a "Guidance" which will
classify every alternative practice as medicine so that only
licensed physicians can carry out the procedure AND vitamins,
minerals, herbs, etc., will suddenly become "untested drugs"
which will be forbidden. Bad? Real Bad! But public outcry can
stop this assault on your health and your freedom. Spread the
word!

Tell everyone in your Circle of Influence, professionals,
alternative practitioners, nutrient and herb companies,
everyone! Let them know how important their participation
is to make sure the FDA backs off from this repressive
course. Please share this link with them and urge them to
take action: http://tinyurl.com/2u7ghc
Yours in health and freedom, Rima E. Laibow,
MDMedical DirectorNatural Solutions Foundation
www.HealthFreedomUSA.org

As if the Drug Companies are not raking in huge profits now,
what happens when we can't get alternatives at the health
food store? Will the prices go down?

Take action now at http://tinyurl.com/2u7ghc

The Lost Tolkien Novel
http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1611448,00.html

Is there more to the big blowup over Imus and his big fat mouth?
Does this shut down a showcase for the Democratic politicians?
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-imuspol13apr13,0,2734444.story?coll=la-home-headlines

and then there was a "hit and run" here
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8OFNVA00&show_article=1

About Working online
http://www.slate.com/id/2161519?nav=tap3

Do it here
http://www.google.com/a/
or http://www.openoffice.org/

How to avoid phishers
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,130516-pg,1/article.html

Meatcake Gallery (a manly cake)
http://www.blackwidowbakery.com/demo/meatcake/gallery.html

For an explanation on Meatcake see Not Martha here
http://www.notmartha.org/archives/2007/04/11/food-stuff-3/

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be
missing out on the joke of the century.

~~ Dame Edna Everage

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

…. a world without humour is … Germany.

~~Shaun Micallef

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just give me the coffee and no one gets hurt.

~~ witty quote from a calendar

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I used to think I was indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a
life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
~~ Kurt Vonnegut

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the end, everything is a gag.
~~ Charlie Chaplin (1889 - 1977)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
~~ Jean Giraudoux (1882 - 1944)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying
I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since
I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh...
is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And
uh... and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh...
try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
~~ Ellen DeGeneres

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over.
Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from
the center. ~~ Kurt Vonnegut

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and
exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less
cleaning up to do afterward. ~~ Kurt Vonnegut

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've learned that depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nobody knows everything. I am a nobody. Therefore I
know everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 12

2007-04-12T09:51:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 12 April 12 2007

Thanks to Erin for this mindbender
http://www.glumbert.com/media/shift

More amazing stuff on that site to make you think
http://www.glumbert.com/archive/

April is Autism Awareness Month. Can you believe, most
Autism symptoms are not covered for treatment under
your average health coverage? It's true! 1 in 6 children
are now diagnosed with this puzzling disorder. Autism
varies widely in its severity and symptoms and may go
unrecognized, especially in mildly affected children
or when it is masked by more debilitating handicaps.
Doctors rely on a core group of behaviors to alert
them to the possibility of a diagnosis of autism.

These behaviors are:
* impaired ability to make friends with peers
* impaired ability to initiate or sustain a conversation with others
* absence or impairment of imaginative and social play
* stereotyped, repetitive, or unusual use of language
* restricted patterns of interest that are abnormal in intensity or focus
* preoccupation with certain objects or subjects
* inflexible adherence to specific routines or rituals

Famous people with Autism or are rumoured to have Autism are......

Bill Gates, 1955-, US Microsoft Giant
Jane Austen, 1775-1817, English novelist, author of Pride and Prejudice
Thomas Edison, 1847-1931, US inventor
Albert Einstein, 1879-1955, German/American theoretical physicist
Henry Ford, 1863-1947, US car maker
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, 1756-1791, Austrian music composer
Isaac Newton, 1642-1727, English mathematician and physicist
John Denver, 1943-1997, US singer/musician
Jim Henson, 1936-1990, creator of the Muppets
Andy Warhol, 1928-1987, US artist
Bob Dylan, 1941-, US singer-songwriter
Keanu Reeves, 1964-, Lebanese/Canadian/US actor
Find an enhanced list here
http://incorrectpleasures.blogspot.com/2006/09/referenced-list-of-famous-or-important.html

For more info go to:
http://www.autismspeaks.org
http://www.autism-society.org/

This article has lots of video and other links on it
http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/story?id=3006889&page=1

If you have interest in keeping this article about GF/CF diets
for autism print it out or cut and paste since they do not stay
online more than a month
http://www.livingwithout.com/features/feature-llewis.html
http://www.livingwithout.com/features/feature-surmountingautism.html

Best of 2006 in the Arts
http://www.boston.com/ae/specials/2006remembered/

Cute Otters on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybs0eJ3i3FU

Since you either lover her or hate her try the "Rachel Ray
Drinking Game Rules"
http://www.slobak.com/rachaelray.html

How cool is this solar grill?
http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/gadgets/solar-grill-cooks-burgers-with-the-sun-250841.php

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.
~~ Jules Renard

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of
truth. ~~ Albert Einstein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The average man's opinions are much less foolish than they
would be if he thought for himself.~~ Bertrand Russell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s only one person in the world who could look OK in
that color of lipstick, and his name is Ronald McDonald.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We cannot escape irrationality, for it’s the price we pay
for relying so heavily on the views of others.
~~ Kim Sterelny, in the book “Richard Dawkins: how a
scientist changed the way we think”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake
that you've got it made.~~ Jean Giraudoux

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me
an authority myself.~~ Albert Einstein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've met the man in the street ... and he's a *$#@
~~ Sid Vicious

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never fall apart because I never fall together.
~~ Andy Warhol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Consumption today consists of people spending money
they don’t own, to buy things they don’t need, to
impress people they don’t like.~~ Dr Clive Hamilton

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am at heart a gentleman ~~ Marlene Dietrich

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were two guys riding motorcycles on a windy day.
One of the guys was complaining because the cold air was
blowing into his shirt. His buddy told him to turn his
jacket around, so that the collar of the jacket would be
at his neck. That way no air could get into his shirt. So
that is what he did.

After riding for a while the two men came up on a curve.
They were going too fast and they crashed. Witnesses
called 911 and rushed to the motorcyclists aid. When
the police arrived, they began doing a report.

The police asked a witness if both of the men were deceased
when they got to the scene. "No" the man replied, "The one
man was still alive, but by the time we got his head turned
around to where it was supposed to be, he was dead!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few
steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly
sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman
acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid
all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and
said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your
husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't.
He just walked in the door".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top 10 Caddy Replies

10.) Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long"?

9.) Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on
this course."
Caddy: "Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the
Earth.

8.) Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving"?
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7.) Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron"?
Caddy: "Eventually."

6.) Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

5.) Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."

4.) Golfer: "How do you like my game"?
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3.) Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday"?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2.) Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

1.) Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 11

2007-04-03T21:43:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 11 April 5, 2007

This is exactly what is wrong with conservatives at this point in
time: they don't know when to mind their own business:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200703/s1877316.htm
but they won't provide a government that protects citizens
from big business (Enron, BP explosion in TX, Haliburton with
http://www.chron.com/content/chronicle/special/05/blast/index.html#

their no bid war contracts, Exxon - who still hasn't paid for the
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exxon_Valdez_oil_spill

Valdez mess from 18 YEARS AGO, the run away profits of the
oil companies caused by the hugely inflated price of gas), the
weather after the fact (Katrina, Rita, Global Warming, and
other natural disasters FEMA flubbed), they won't or can't
(because they are inept) protect us from Bin Laden or any
other terrorist since they are too busy getting us into wars
(where stealing and cheating is so much easier), they are too
busy shouting stand by our troops while cutting the benefits
to soldiers and their families and offering up the type of
treatment such as our soldiers get at Walter Reed, allowing
the lack of training and equipment our soldiers face in this
war which is just the tip of the iceberg in disgraceful ways
this administration is disrespecting our troops.

The cronyism has run the gamut from the VP to FEMA, the
attorney general and all those attorneys fired which they were
going to replace without congressional oversight or approval
due to a little loop hole in the Patriot Act.

Stepping down from my soap box now.

"Books to the ceiling,
Books to the sky,
My pile of books is a mile high.
How I love them!
How I need them!
I'll have a long beard by the time I read them."
Arnold Lobel

If this describes you then let me introduce a site I was sent
by my sister where you can trade your books for just the price
of postage. Start by entering 9 books you are willing to trade
and you will get 3 credits, then every time you send out a book
you get another credit. Since you also get credits for any new
members introduced to this please mention me by the following
email address baubles-and-bling-bling at charter.net Thanks!
http://www.paperbackswap.com/

Hysterical dog videos
http://www.longliveyourdog.com/dogpark/videos/default.aspx?DCMP=BAC-LLYD-ABOUT-Buster&HQS=300x250%20HGC&activeVideoId=120

And then there is Ifilm for the best in internet videos
http://www.ifilm.com/

The end of Life (Magazine that is).
http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=entertainmentNews&storyid=2007-03-26T161714Z_01_N26366501_RTRUKOC_0_US-TIME-LIFE.xml&src=rss&rpc=22

Is your email inbox overflowing? This may help get it back
in shape:
http://www.43folders.com/2006/03/27/process-to-zero/

Revisiting other great software savers
http://www.lifehacker.com/software/retro/

How to dine out with kids ... and enjoy it!
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/ptravel/63913.html

If you just have to have ribs you can have them delivered.
http://www.countyline.com/index.asp

You can find other favorite foods to be delivered to your
door at the Food Network
http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/episode_archive/0,1904,FOOD_9962_164,00.html

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"According to "Sports Illustrated," a winery is coming out
with a NASCAR wine. Which will finally answer the question,
which wine goes with chili corn dogs?" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife forgot one marriage. Originally,
she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was
actually married three times. But she said she never talks about
the first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"According to the latest census survey, the number of people
without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh,
they're dead because they didn't have health insurance."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In his new tell-all book, Republican former House
Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank
too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married
to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A
Democrat." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT IF?

Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it
with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin, then what, exactly, is a fog
horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
up with, 'Quit while you're ahead'?

If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the
next Kleenex in the box?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is
when I'm in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unique answering machine messages:

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE
ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a
message at the tone,and we'll assimilate you later.

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

(or)Hello, you're caller number nine!

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious.

"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the
sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and
I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate
it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line.
Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right
ear? ... BEEP

(Rod Serling imitation You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a
world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows
explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary
telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight
Phone".

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to
Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong
number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button
pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.

(Recorded directly from AT&T We're sorry, but the number
you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem
ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed.
The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.
Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and
stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be
able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands
of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you.

(Klingon voice ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. You have
reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a
message after the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If
I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our
teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into
a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle
of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make
it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

I'm sorry, the number you have reached is imaginary. Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and dial again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

400 Bricks

1. Put 400 bricks in a room.

2. Put your new employees in the room with the bricks and
close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put
them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put
them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them
in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has
been moved, congratulate them and put them in top
Management.

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in
such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from,
put them in Congress.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Texas, "feminine protection" means a concealed, pink,
Glock 9 mm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. My mother taught me
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I
just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear with NO
HOLES, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went
through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR
MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like
you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are
going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME
AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never
grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you
were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about
JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn
out just like you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...

- You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do
the dishes.

- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you
start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth.
However, your children are at school!

- You actually start to like the smell of strained
carrots mixed with applesauce.

- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is
taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

- You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a
book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint
and Eggshells.

- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses
only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you
wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

- You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband,
enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you
realize that you've reached over and started to cut up
his steak!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my good friend Anita for this one:

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect;
they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds
and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed
in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount
of thought he had put into organizing the display. There
were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium sized
bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and enormous
bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it
strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a
while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God ! Maybe, this
guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father my children ?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He
responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically
lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where
they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and
even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well, how was it ?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this one:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because
he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table
with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's
teacher."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 10

2007-03-19T10:55:00.000-05:00

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 10 March 19, 2007

Very expensive but oh so pretty faux roses
http://www.mommymakesroses.com/

Cute and amusing
http://www.dancingpaul.com/

Have you ever sung along to a song only to realize that

you've had the lyrics completely wrong? This site is
full of such incidents.
http://www.kissthisguy.com/

Butts Across America This is a family site; safe fun for all -
which features no nudity, just buttcracks in amazing places.
http://buttsacrossamerica.com/

Workingfortheman.com "humorously explores the horrors and
absurdities of the workplace, and provides a much-needed
antidote to the doldrums of dealing with a bad boss and a
dead-end job."
http://www.workingfortheman.com/

Take a stroll down memory lane with the 100 most well-
remembered - for better or for worse - toys of our youth.
Each listing is accompanied by a hilarious written
description of the toy, so be sure to take the time to
enjoy the memories!
http://tv.cream.org/extras/toys/index.html

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and
making false statements -- or, as the White House calls it, a
press conference." ~~ Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"While he was there, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian
press and he said the most difficult decision a president could
ever make is sending troops into harm's way. But enough
about Walter Reed." ~~ Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let
former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but
guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal
detector. The head of security said, 'We had to search Al
Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.'"
~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Another horrible day for the stock market. It went down
another 100 points. In fact, the only company to make
money was the Tennessee power company that sells
electricity to Al Gore." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Timing is everything." ~~ Annie Darling in Murder at the Party

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The deer should not play with the tiger." ~ Charlie Chan in
Charlie Chan Carries On

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The man who is about to cross a stream should not revile
the crocodile's mother." ~ Charlie Chan in The Black Camel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Bachelor Diet

Monday
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth. Lunch - Send
your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little
hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty
five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a
soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family
size bottle of Maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox.
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-
piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw.
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five
cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever
comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

Wednesday
Breakfast - Stomach couldn't handle breakfast after a night
at El Flasho's.
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke.
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.

Thursday
Breakfast - Order out for pizza.
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
sack for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar. Ask the bartender for extra olives.

Friday
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder.
Dinner - Steak, medium-rare, baked potato and asparagus. Don't
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto.
Dinner - Steak, well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.

Sunday
Breakfast - Three Bloody Mary's and a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? And waste a good buzz?
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup. Call home and ask about renting
your old room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was
called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the
same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know
exactly what they sounded like because there are no known
descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze
Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica,
Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if
they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between
the Hatfields and the McCoys.

- A harp is a nude piano.

- Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part
you'd better not try to sing.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a
woman composer famous for her church music.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical
compositions and had a large number of children.
In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept
up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer
of piano concerti.